My first day back home (at my parents') has been a pretty big mess. I got off the bus and hopped into the car without saying goodbye to anyone, threw up as soon as I got home (there was nothing to throw up; I hadn't eaten anything in over ten hours), took a very short and restless nap, got my parts cut out of that Passion Play that I've been mentioning, stormed out about an hour before we were supposed to present, crashed at a friend's place, cried (which I haven't been able to do in months) in front of her (I never cry in front of people), witnessed the look of horror and pity in her eyes as I summarized the mess that I have become, and binged (a real binge like I haven't had since being vegan), in that order. Now I am afraid to go to bed, as is the case more nights than not. I don't have the strength to throw up, I cannot stop coughing a deep, wheezy cough, and I'm resisting the urge to hurt myself. I haven't weighed since getting back because I am far too ashamed of how fat I've gotten, and I desperately just want to disappear. Please just make me die.

Concrete jungle

Hi ladies,

I'm writing (what I hope will be) a quick post for the US's own Big Apple. Let's just say that it's been a bumpy ride. I'm sharing a room with my two co-faculty advisors who are male and they don't make my insomnia any better, trust me. So I have basically been sleeping an hour or two per night. The first few days were especially rough, with me trying to let myself cry (unsuccessfully) in the darkness and texting my boyfriend and roommate just wanting to go home. New York has lost it's magic for me; I used to love this city, and now all I can think is "What a waste." A waste of everything: ressources, money, energy, people... For real, if half of what goes into New York City in the form of advertisement went into developping nations, there would be a lot less problems. If half the food that is wasted, half the calories that are exaggerated and unnecessary, went to feed the hungry, we could solve world hunger and obesity all in one. I hate the excess here, of noise, of people, of light. It's all just too much.

I'm here for a model United Nations that gathers students from around the world to simulate the work that the UN does. So maybe it's just the fact that my students are talking about erradicating poverty all day that makes me hate this city. But I think it's more that I'm just hard inside.

When I signed up to be a faculty advisor for this activity, I was already broken down. But the last time that people involved in this project saw me, I was still the great, in control, perfect person that I used to be. So I don't think that the senior advisor and the teacher in charge expected me to be like this. I know that I've let them down this year and that I haven't been as involved as they expected and wanted me to be. I just couldn't. I am not who I was. I had a good talk about it with the senior guy yesterday. I didn't go into much detail, but I did tell him that he cannot imagine how hard the last couple of years have been. Of course, I could never explain how close to self-destruction I constantly am, how I'm walking on a very thin line all the time. He, and people in general, could simply never understand. So I just kept it vague. But he still told me that, since the last time he worked with me two years ago, it's as though something inside of me has died. He said that it's as though I have experienced so much pain that everything is too much, including this city. Which is true.

But today and yesterday have been a bit better. I am responsible for my students, and this kind of activity, with its high-stress and little sleep lends itself well to nervous breakdowns. I can deal with nervous breakdowns. I can take care of people. I can pick them up when they fall. It's fantastic because, while I am doing that, I don't have to try to fix myself. I don't have to worry about whether or not I will crumble. I just have to pick up other people's pieces and make them perfect again, which I know is impossible for me. But, them, I can fix them. And I'm good at it, I always have been. It's part of the reason that my place really is in medicine; because I can take people, give them what they need, and make them better again.

New York is also taking a toll on me food-wise. I haven't been able to maintain my vegan lifestyle here, though I have remained vegetarian. And I haven't been able to count calories either. The thing is that, in this kind of high-stress activity, everyone is looking out for everyone else and making sure that no one is forgetting to eat. So food is on everyone's mind and they notice right away if you haven't eaten. They also watch what you eat a lot. I thought that I would be able to get away with it by being vegan, but no such luck; people gave me such a hard time about it, that I had no choice but to let dairy and eggs back into my life. I hate it though; I feel fat and bloated and ugly. I can't wait to go back to what I want to eat. I also miss this blogging community and my thinspo pics and all of that. And running. God how I wish that I had brought my shoes.

Anyways, I haven't had much time to read blogs and I am incredibly behind in school work. I'll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back. But, here and now, it's like time stands still for this simulation.

I hope you're all doing well, you're in my thoughts.

Lena xx

Food post

I've been wanting to write a "good" post for a while, with more of my thoughts and feelings and what's going through my mind, but I just haven't had the time. I also want to update on how things went with my family but, again, no time. So this will just be another food post, sorry for being so boring.

Sunday, at my Nonna's, I had some Pasta San Giuseppe, which is spaghetti with bread crumbs, raisins and pine nuts. Sooo yummy. Being vegan gave me the perfect excuse to avoid absolutely everything else that was being served except fruits and veggies. It was very difficult, trust me. I am born and bred from a culture that loves to eat. I also had some rice and tofu later that night, and a spoonful of Raisin Bran. All in all, not as bad a failure as it could have been.

Yesterday was supposed to be a 400cal day on the SGD, but I ended up having 530 (thin raisin bagel (170), 1 tbs peanut butter (100cal), 1 slice of whole wheat bread (90cal), 1/4 cup mixed nuts (170cal)), plus fruits. I did walk to and from work (-128 cal) and I worked a four-hour shift (-635cal), so I think I'm ok. That's how I'm rationalizing it at least.

Today, I haven't really eaten anything yet though I have set out some food (peanut butter (100cal), 2 vinta crackers (67cal) and granola (160cal), plus fruits). I haven't touched it yet because the bf is coming over soon and I think he's going to be bringing food.

I can't decide whether these intakes are good or bad, but I haven't been binging and haven't ben snacking like crazy at work, so I'm assuming that I'm eating a hell of a lot less than I was. I know that I'm a terrible restricter, but if I can at least keep myself from binging and throwing up, I feel like that's a good start, right? :S

Head-wise, things have been a serious mess and I haven't been able to go to school yet this week (not to mention that there is a snow storm today). And I am extremely anxious about going to NYC on Thursday; lots of non-sleeping, sharing a room with two boys, no privacy, nowhere to freak out alone and quietly, no roommate to help me calm down.... Gaahh....

I'll try to write a proper post before I leave, sorry for all the boringness. Lots has been going on, but I just don't have much time/energy to write. I'm still reading though! :)

Take care!

xx

Update

First off, sorry, I know that I post too much on weekends. Too much time I suppose, ha.

Anyways, just wanted to give a quick update on how my day has been. I ended up cooking for over nearly 3 hours and a half, burning a lovely 450-some odd calories, which is great. I also did 21-27-21-21-10 full sit-ups and 30 crunches, as well as this little workout:

Set 1: 5 chin-ups, 10 squats, 10 push-ups, 30s plank

Set 2: 4 pull-ups, 20 lunges, 9 narrow push-ups, 5 v-sits

Set 3: 5 narrow chin-ups, 10 squats, 7 push-ups, 10 ins & outs

Obviously, because I suck, I can't actually do chin-ups and pull-ups, but what I did was like "hang" with tensed arms for the number x 10 seconds (so let's say for 50 seconds if it asked for 5 chin-ups or whatever). I did feel my arms working, so I think that it's a good compromise until my arms get strong again. The leg portions (squats and lunges) were obviously too easy because I have massive thigh muscles (flashback of my exam yesterday) form soccer and running and everything, but oh well. Not quite sure how many calories this burned, but I'm assuming at least 30, right? It's too bad because while I'm in NY it'll be pretty much impossible for me to do any running/workouts. My only consolation is that I will definitely be doing a ton of walking.

As for food, I had some of that pasta I made (140cal), a little under a tablespoon of peanut butter (80cal) and one of those thin raisin bagels (170cal). That puts me just under my SGD limit for today with 390cal. Thank God that I decided that fruits and veggies don't count because I think I might have died. No idea how you pretty girls manage, you have so much more control than I do. So I also had half a banana, some of that beet soup, some mango and some berries. I am currently trying to fight off the urge to binge, so I might just go and have more mango and berries and call it a night early to stop me from eating more. 

Tomorrow my limit is supposed to be 300, but that is so not happening with my Nonna cooking for me. I had said that tomorrow would be a freebie, so it's ok, right? Oh dear...

Have a lovely evening girlies!

xx

Plans and breaking fast

My fast has lasted exactly 24 hours and I am currently in the middle of a major cooking marathon, making a cream of asparagus and mushroom, a cream of roasted beet and potato, crumbled tofu, and balsamic tomato-basil pasta. A lot of my veggies were going to go bad and I'm leaving on Thursday (and God knows that my roommate will just ignore rotting things in the fridge while I'm gone), so I thought it best to just cook everything now. I have also been thinking about this game-plan of mine for the next 30 or so days. First off, I have decided that I will break fast when I'm done cooking, as I don't want to be starving tomorrow when I get to my Nonna's because that will surely mean a gorge-fest, meaning that I will be starting the SGD as of today. This leads me to my second thought: I will be doing the SGD the "proper" way, i.e. considering fruits and veggies as freebies. I think that this will make the transition easier and will help prevent me from binging. As it lasts 30 days, I can start off with that, then do a "pure" SGD for month two, and then ease into the ABC. This means that I have a plan for the next 3 months, which is perfect since I finish school on June 20th and will be leaving for Singapore right after. I would love to be skinny and bikini-ready for Singapore, and I think that this might be a good way to get there. What do you all think? Finally, I have also decided that, though I will not include regular walking to and from school into my calculations, I will include any extra activities that I do, for example when I run or the workout plan that I'm starting. I haven't decided yet whether I will subtract these from my total, but I think that maybe I should as it will keep me motivated to go. I mean, if I don't track how these sorts of things help my intake, I feel like I'll be more prone to make excuses not to go, right? Anyways, I like it when I'm in plan-mode, makes me feel a bit more alive. It is also rather extraordinary for me to be planning my next 3 months, because lately I have been unable to make plans for more than a couple of days in advance. Part of me just always thinks that I may be dead by then. Macabre, huh? 

In other news, I finally watched that show that all our British friends have been raving about, Supersized vs Superskinny. I'm not much for reality TV, but I think that this may serve as good thinspiration when I feel that I need it.

Hope everyone's having an excellent Saturday! I'm thinking that I may try writing some French poetry and posting it here. I don't know if any of you read French, but I think that it may do me some good. Hope that it won't be annoying for you... :S

xx

Out of hiding

I'm back. As you can imagine, this week was seriously hell. Everything seemed to be going wrong, my computer has stopped working, I couldn't concentrate, it was a mess. But now it's over. And now it's time for me to get things back under control. I have been seriously slacking off since January. I had managed to lose about 20lbs before the Holidays and I have put them almost all back on. And then I wonder why. Well, duh, it's because I've been letting myself go, giving in to whatever, whenever. Before Christmas, I was doing so well. It's time for me to get back to it. I need a plan and I need to stick to it. And I have to stop looking at net and start looking at intake. Net is lying to me. It's time to shine. Enough of this being fat, feeling crappy, hating myself. This week has been hell because I have been too freaking lazy/tired/depressed/whatever to attend my classes. I'm in med school. It's a freaking miracle that I've been managing to get 70s while not attending a single class. Imagine what I could accomplish if I tried. And that starts with discipline. Shit just got serious, ladies. I need to set goals, respect them, feel like I'm achieving something. So I'm kick-starting it with a fast. No food until Sunday (when I have to go to my Nonna's (grandmother's) for St-Joseph's (San Giuseppe)). Then, Monday, I'm SGD-ing it. I don't want to set myself up for failure by ABC-ing it (yet), so I think that this is a good compromise. It's going to be difficult enough as it is because I am leaving for NYC this Thursday (for that Model UN thing) until Good Friday, and then there will be Easter. I'm going to try to keep myself in check in NYC, but I won't be able to avoid Easter (unless I want to make my Nonna cry which, no, I don't). So Easter and San Giuseppe are my freebies, but the rest is SGD. And I can't decide whether or not to count the walking that I do in there, but I'm thinking not because I tend to slack off when I do. Plus, in New York, it's going to be very difficult for me to keep track, especially since I'm sharing a room with two guys and I don't want to be obsessively mapping out routes to see how much we walked. So I think a "pure" SGD is a good idea. Here's the plan (as of Monday - below). This diet also doesn't count fruits and veggies, but I'm gonna try counting them and see how it goes. I know that for you "real" restrictors, this seems like a joke, but I've never been a restrictor and I just want to start off by breaking the binge/purge cycle. I'm also going to get back to running (haven't been in a week because of this madness) and my workout plan is starting today (I'll post what I've done later). Now please excuse me while I go catch up on your blogs :)

Hope you all have an amazing weekend/spring break!

Mucho love xx

SGD

Day 1. 400 calories

Day 2. 300 calories

Day 3. 400 calories

Day 4. 500 calories

Day 5. 450 calories

Day 6. 650 calories

Day 7. 650 calories

Day 8. 400 calories

Day 9. 300 calories

Day 10. 400 calories

Day 11. 500 calories

Day 12. 450 calories

Day 13. 650 calories

Day 14. 700 calories

Day 15. 400 calories

Day 16. 300 calories

Day 17. 400 calories

Day 18. 450 calories

Day 19. 500 calories

Day 20. 650 calories

Day 21. 700 calories

Day 22. 400 calories

Day 23. 300 calories

Day 24. 450 calories

Day 25. 500 calories

Day 26. 450 calories

Day 27. 650 calories

Day 28. 700 calories

Day 29. 400 calories

Day 30. Fast!

I have just finished listening to my fourth lecture for today. Yesterday, I managed to get through 6, but I'm much more tired tonight and I started quite a bit later. I had a soccer game (won 4-1) and I ended up stopping by my house to say hi to my parents (generally pretty awkward and had me running out of there). Skyped with the bf for a bit; he's back in town, but he got home late and I'm trying to make him understand that, this week, I really do need to study. he kept saying how pretty I was and how much he missed me, and I kept answering no, that I look exhausted, that he's just "lonely" so to speak and that he didn't miss me, he was with his friends and family. It's like I've said before, I don't accept compliments very easily. It's not even that I'm trying to be difficult, I'm just being rational. I suppose that it was nice of him to say anyways... I also had that Passion Play thing today that I'm preparing for Good Friday. Got a new part, so I have a few more lines and some more singing. It's alright, but I get really nervous/self-conscious with my singing, so I'm going to have to practice quite a bit I think. Anyways, I have managed to get through 11 out of 23 lectures in 2 days, going to have to up that a little or I'm going to be in serious trouble. For tonight, though, I'm just too tired (it's nearly 2:30am). My roommate keeps reminding that I will do my very best and that that's all that I can do; she knows that I always aim too high and put too much pressure on myself, though I feel like I have considerably reduced my standards recently. I also finally got to weigh myself today, but it was on a full stomach. Even so, I'm down 5lbs in 3 weeks, which isn't great, but is ok considering that I'm on my period (i.e. water retention) and that I had eaten (didn't want to faint during my soccer game, that would've been bad). I want to step this up a notch though, which is why that workout thing is going to start getting serious. Tomorrow is when the official thing starts, and I'm promising myself that I will do it in spite of all the work that I have to do, especially since I have no idea when I'll get the chance to go running this week. I also hate that I used to be so toned, but am now becoming weak. I generally have larger bones and muscles than most of my female friends, so it has always made me very self-conscious because I have never been that "delicate girl", even when I'm lighter than my friends. At the same time though, I never wanted to be "delicate"; I wanted to be able to take care of myself, to stand up for myself, and to never have to depend on a boy to help me with anything. Which is why I am this guarded with my emotions, rarely cry, and make a point of opening my own beer bottles thank-you-very-much; it's a question of pride and principle. Anyways. Now I'm sort of unsure of what I want, body-wise, but I'm going to say that I would rather be toned than flabby either way. And this workout, like I said, is a great alternative/complement to running. It's also a great procrastination/re-energizing tool for when I'm studying. Let's just hope that I stick to it.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. Be kind to yourselves.

Love,

Lena xx 
P.S. Net for today is at -383cal.