You know you have issues when...

You skip your shrink appointment and the guy you're seeing lets you stay at his place alone to chill, and you take the opportunity to raid his and his roommates' food, just because. And then get sick. Ughhh. What is WRONG with me?!

Midterm

Exam tomorrow. Didn't do much today, but cracked down this weekend and managed to get through all 50 lectures. I don't know if I'm ready, but it's 10pm and I've stopped caring. My rationalization: it's only worth 22% of my overall grade, I only need 55% on it to not get into any trouble, and my brain randomly retains things. So it should be ok. In the end, even if I don't get that 55%, I'll just get into sort of trouble, I think. Can you hear my brain rationalizing from where you're reading this? I've also made a post-midterm plan of how to better study for the final. I think that it should work out better than what I've been doing until now. But, honestly, I'm so much better school-wise than I was last semester, so I'm trying to have faith. I'm just anxious because I failed the last exam I wrote (this retake exam in August before school started) and I had to retake it. It was the first time I failed anything in my life, and it put me on sort of probation with the Associate Dean. Anyways, that's another story, but it's just making me anxious that I haven't written and passed an exam in a while.

After that, I'm going to a hospital not too far away to interview a patient (yes, a real live one, lol), then I have that UN thing that I do. I might also force myself to go to the post-midterm party, if only because I've never been to one of my class parties and I feel like I'm such a loner. Realistically, it probably won't happen because those sorts of things stress me out too much, but I'm keeping my options open. The UN guys might want to grab a beer too, so we'll see. 

I'm going to be exhausted. But I've been telling myself that it's just one day. That's what I've started telling myself when I can't sleep and/or I've got a big day ahead and/or I feel overwhelmed: it's just one day. That's all I can do, right?

Shrinky appointment on Thursday. Not really down, but whatever. Again, it'll be ok.

Mood and food and sleep have all been bad. I've had my first few binges in a couple of months. Nothing insane (so always under 1000cal at a time, never really over 2500cal in a day), but still. I can sort of feel myself sinking into old moods and hurts, and I'm not quite sure how to stop it from happening. I think that it has a whole lot to do with my sleep cycle being ruined since that roadtrip with Dan. Not that I'm blaming him at all, but I just really need to reset my sleep to get back to a good place, I think. It's amazing the impact that sleep, or the lack of it, has on how I'm feeling.

My Nonna came over for (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. It was hard because all she talked about was my Nonno. Honestly, I love her, but I just can't talk about him that much. I need to talk about him in small doses, only when I'm ready. I feel terribly guilty about it, because I know that she needs me right now, but I'm just not strong enough to do it. I'm a terrible person, I know.

Anyways, this post is sort of all over the place, sorry about that. I hope you all had a lovely weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

Quick update

Sleep's been terrible, mood's been terrible, studying's been terrible.

Only gotten through 6/50 lectures, not to mention the 22 Small Groups that I have to review.

It's Thursday night, my exam is on Wednesday.

I'm so screwed.

Keep thinking about bad things.

Keep missing/wanting to text D.

Dan came out to study with me tonight, God bless him.

He's being super supportive.

We may be about to get serious again.

We talked about it a little when we got back from our road trip (which I've been meaning to give a proper update about, but haven't had the chance). 

I think I may also be starting to fall for him.

Which is weird because I just don't do that.

I think he may be starting to fall for me too.

He kind of keeps dropping the L-word in weird/semi-joking contexts.

Weight-wise, been basically feeling sick/throwing up every single thing I eat, so I have no idea what my calorie count is at.

Lost 2lbs between yesterday and today, but I'm pretty sure I'm just dehydrated from vomiting and running.

Also, cancelled the shrink appointment I was supposed to have today because I didn't feel like spending 3 hours in transit just to go talk to him for an hour.

I kind of feel like tons of people (docs, shrinks) just want to pick at my brain like I'm some interesting creature to study because I was "sick" this summer (yes, that's the euphemism I've been using because I have trouble saying the real words). 

I mean, I'm all for science, but it's a bit much when you become the research project.

So that's sort of how I feel with mister shrinky-man. 

I should stop now and go to bed. 

God knows that I have so much to do tomorrow.

Including randomly going to school to do a mock patient interview.

Whoever scheduled this was really stupid.

Don't worry about me, girlies, I'm doing fine. 

Just a bit of a drop.

I guess it was overly optimistic to think that I was magically cured.

I was kind of expecting this.

I'm sure things will get better soon, that this is just the sleep-deprivation from the trip talking.

Sorry for this floundering, incredibly random, stream-of-consciousness post.

I'll stop now.

All my love,

Lena xx

"This is when the feeling sinks in

I don't want to miss you like this

Come back.

Be here."

Last night was a bad night.

Today is a bad day.

Exam in exactly one week.

Haven't started reviewing anything at all.

Can't.

Stuck.

Brain going round and round.

Ping pong balls of thoughts.

Flying and bouncing and giving me no peace.

My beautiful Nonno.

How I miss him.

He said he couldn't die until he attended my wedding.

That will never happen.

He will never see me graduate medical school.

I will never make him proud.

God, I miss him.

The worst was when they closed the coffin.

All I could think was that he wouldn't be able to breathe.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't do this without him.

He was the one sure thing.

And now he's gone.

I'm so tired.

I just want to cry and sleep forever.

Please leave me be.

But I can't.

This stupid exam. 

I couldn't care less.

Just leave me be.

Just let me drift away.

To a painless place.

Please.

Some numbers

Officially lost 1 more pound from my "pre-period weight". This tips the scale (oh, the pun) and leaves me below a BMI of 23. So I now have a BMI in the 22s :) It also leaves me 2lbs away from the weight I was at after my hospitalization in Singapore. Then, I had lost about 12lbs in 10 days, mostly muscle mass, and was very weak. Now, I've been eating clean and healthy, keeping my calories in a healthy range, and running 3-5 times per week. This is the right way to do it. I mean, I'm still throwing up sometimes, but it's only a few times per week now, and I honestly think there is something physiologically wrong with me, more than just the ED making me sick. This also leaves me 7lbs away from the LW I hit last December, and 20lbs away from where I'd like to be (though I may want to lose another 8lbs after that, but let's take it one step at a time. I honestly don't know if I have the frame to get there). Slowly but surely, I'll make it. What I've realized is that I'm in no hurry. Sure, I'd like to get there ASAP, but I'd also rather not constantly be bouncing up and down, so I think that slowly is the way to go. I can be patient, right?

In other news, I'm leaving on my roadtrip with Dan in a few hours. Still need to pack and everything. I wanted to go for a run, but there are construction guys redoing our driveway so there's a huge hole in front of the house that I don't really feel like crawling through and embarrassing myself in front of all of them... So I guess I won't  go. There probably isn't enough time anyways. I'm extremely anxious about this mini-trip for a bunch of reason, including food, meeting tons of new people/his closest friends, potentially meeting his brother, driving for 6 hours straight there and back, food (again), parties, them smoking up (I don't do weed), them drinking (I don't like who I become when I'm drunk), Dan wanting to stay up all night to party (I can't afford to do that since I have developed a very precarious sleep cycle that is just keeping me from having insomnia every single night and I don't want to ruin it with staying up and waking up late), the TONS of studying that I have to do since my exam is in a week and a half and I have about 150 hours of lectures to review before then (fml), frolicking... Oh, and did I mention food and meeting new people? Ugggh. I know, I sound like a boring old lady, but, seriously. I have finally found some form of (precarious) balance in my life, I don't feel like ruining it all this weekend. But I told him that he can do whatever he wants, I won't at all hold him back, but I may just head back home on my own when I'm tired.I just need to be brave enough to tell him when I need to go.

*Breathe*

Ok. It will all be ok. Right? Right.

Have a great weekend, my dears (where did the week go??). And be kind to yourselves.

All my love,

Lena xx

Comic

I should definitely be sleeping because I have to get up again in 7 hours and have tons of work to get done by 9:30am tomorrow. And I should definitely be posting about something more important/articulate/whatever because I have a lot on my mind and there is a lot to say and a lot has been going on. But instead I've been catching up on blogs and facebook and other intellectually stimulating things, and I happened to come across this, which I thought some of you might enjoy.

So, enjoy!

All my love,

Lena xx 

P.S. I seemed to have put on 3 pounds, but it might be just water-weight from being on my period, so I won't freak out just yet. 

Fool me twice...I'm an idiot.

Friday was what we call the White Coat Ceremony. It takes place partially through Med-2, and it's a pretty swanky event, where we receive our short white coats for the first time, representing our beginnings "in the wild", with "real patients". Basically, we will soon be starting our work in the clinics, so this ceremony's purpose is to mark this new transition. It was a nice event, though a bit too pretentious for my liking, but these things always are. My parents, nonna and godmother came, which was nice, and then I had a family dinner in the evening. My other aunts also watched it on the live stream online, getting teary-eyed, and Dan did too (watch it, not cry, haha). My dad and godmother got emotional too, which I found a bit odd. My dad has been getting emotional a lot this year, which is a completely foreign thing for me. 

The only thing that made the day bitter-sweet was that, just a few months ago, my ex-friend/roommate (let's call her D, because this is getting annoying) had promised that she would be there. I know that it's stupid, but part of me wished that she would show up and keep her promise, in spite of everything that has happened. But, obviously, that was dumb of me to think. 

I texted her, that evening (Friday), because I wanted to let her know that my parents would be paying her back shortly for the money that she dished out for my first few days in-hospital in Singapore. I also wanted to let her know about the White Coat Ceremony. And, finally, I also asked her if she could maybe pay me back the $52 I paid for the electricity bill at our apartment while I wasn't living there but she was. Oh, and I asked her if she could maybe stop spreading stories about us to our mutual friends. I was satisfied with my text, because it didn't sound spiteful or rude or petty or anything, it was just politely distant. But when I got her reply, I was disappointed because, though her tone was the same as mine, she took a few jabs at me. For example, she asked if the could subtract the $52 from the $475 that I owe her for July's rent. She also said that she would "keep that in mind", regarding the talking to our friends about us. I was a bit hurt, and just told her that I had already paid for July's rent before we left for Singapore, that I wish that she could have come to the White Coat Ceremony, and that I wish that she could just speak to me courteously. Also, that, if she would rather not pay me the $52, that was fine, no problem. To which she responded with what I consider to be a huge low-blow. She said that she needed closure and had to move one, so she would disregard July's rent (which, as I said, I've already paid), August's rent (to be clear, she forbade me from going to the apartment when we got back from Singapore, so the only time I went was to pick up my stuff with my parents, so I'm not quite sure why I would be expected to pay rent), as well as the $302 that it cost her to replace her medication. All three are below the belt, but it's the medication thing that really gets to me, first because that's not how much her meds cost, second because she gets them reimbursed through our school insurance, and third (and especially) because of how incredibly insensitive such a statement seems to me, especially coming out of the blue and clearly meant to just hurt me.

Now, just to put things into context, when I OD-ed, I took anything I could get my hands on, including her medication (effexor). And, to be clear, the number one reason for my distress and the "trigger" if you will was her. I obviously didn't take the medication to steal from her or to spite her, but with the hopes of ending my life, to punish myself for what she did to me, because I felt that I must have deserved it. Is it just me, or is it a bit insensitive for her to ask me to reimburse her for that? I mean, considering the context and all that. If I had tried to hang myself with her belt and didn't succeed because it broke, would I have been expected to replace it? Just the fact that she would stoop so low as to weigh that in the balance makes me feel sick. Honestly sick. Am I crazy?

Anyways, I remained polite and just said that I was trying to be courteous and polite, not hitting her with any low-blows, and that I didn't understand why she couldn't treat me with respect or why she had to be so hurtful. What I didn't say was how much that killed me a little bit inside.

I've had a very intense weekend, what with the Ceremony and this weekend-long refereeing course that I took yesterday and today. D's sister was in it with me, which was nice because I like her, but also difficult because she took me back to their dad's place where I spent basically all of last year, before I moved out. I miss her so much (D) sometimes. I just don't understand why she's being like this, where this is coming from. I don't get how someone can be your whole life and family one day, and then turn around and treat you like nothing at all. How does that work? How does it happen?

Anyways, the course was fun and I had a lovely evening last night with Dan. I felt really...loved? It was nice.

I have another hectic week coming up, and my huge midterm (yes, I only have one, but my program pretty much depends on it) is in two weeks, so obviously I'm starting to freak out. Dan and I also have a roadtrip this weekend, he wants me to meet his friends back home, so I'll be driving us there (about 6 hours away - he doesn't drive). Obviously, considering my general anxiety, this is really stressing me out. As is this day trip I'm going on tomorrow to see a more rural hospital where I may decide to do my clerkship next year.

Anywayyys. I apologize for what has been a very long and chaotic and boring post. My thoughts are kind of racing tonight, can't seem to get them straight.

Sorry.

Wishing you all a great start to the week.

All my love,

Lena xx