Sunday, November 17, 2013

Shrinks galore

Tomorrow I have an appointment, a consult, with yet another shrink. This appointment was supposed to happen months ago when I came back from Singapore, but I had to get my documents released from the last shrink I saw back in January. I'm so incredibly tired of meeting people for an hour, having to divulge all of my life, my struggles, my deepest secrets, so that they can analyze me and decide, within 50 minutes, exactly what's wrong with me. I know that I'm seriously messed up. I'm already aware of that. I don't need some specialist to tell me this. I've seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors in the last year and a half, that I've lost count. I've been diagnosed with almost a dozen personality, mood and behavioral disorders. I've been on medication after medication, with so many side-effects. I'm just tired. Of all of it. Yes, part of me wants to feel better; but another part has just accepted that I never will. And that's ok too. 

I've just been down these past few weeks. And, yesterday, I saw a lot of old high school friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in 3 or 4 years. It's all just made me realize how unwell I am. How lonely I am. How, while everyone is changing and evolving, I'm just stuck in the same rut I've been in for over 2 years and a half. On the outside, I look like I've really got it all figured out. These people look at me and see someone whose life is pretty much perfect. No one could even guess that I tried to die this summer. Or how every single day is a battle. Isn't that amazing? How we can be looking right at someone but never know who they truly are?

I wish you all a wonderful start to this new week.

All my love,
Lena xx

4 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about looking at someone and not knowing who they really are. I get those "dissociated" moments sometimes where I see myself in the mirror but I don't think its me, because the me I knew was a depressed self harming 17 year old girl with an extra 30 lbs. I find myself wondering, "do they see? See the facade I've meticulously painted for my self? Or do they see the scared of rejection perfectionist behind it?

    As always your beautiful post bring me to deep thought....

    Stay positive love and best of luck tomorrow!
    XoXo.

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  2. I don't blame you for being tired of it, especially after seeing so many and having to tell them the same things over and over again. I can completely relate to how seeing old friends makes you realize how unwell you really are. Just the other day, I had an old friend (who I haven't spoken to for maybe 4-5 years) message me on FB, and he asked what I've been up to. I hate that question. I've been stuck in the same place, the same rut, for so long, there's nothing to say.

    Love you dear. I hope this week's kind to you, and that tomorrow goes okay *hugs* xx

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  3. can't blame you at all from being sick as fuck from all of this. when i heard you have a new shrink, i'm just like "wow, again??" (not meant to be taken offensively) but you've just about given us a very quick inkling of how it's like. i'd be bloody sick and tired of it too. i'm hoping that things do get better, if not by help but that the depression isn't too bad and nor the ED.
    it is amazing, isn't it? it's shocking. it's horrible and at the same time, it's beautiful.
    i'm sorry it's not been your days. hopefully, it'll brighten up - if not just a little bit. you're a strong girl love and i admire you for that.

    also, in response to your questions:
    it is quite Islamic in every day life. religion is mentioned 24/7 and i wish i was overexaggerating. every morning my Mother makes me say prayers in the car and asks me if i've prayed. it's not like Saudi Arabia. Bahrain is like a strip club compared to Saudi. it's more like Dubai i'd say. i've not been in Dubai for long so i can't give you a proper response to that x the Sunni/Shai tensions are not as bad. nobody's burning tires on the road anymore (this just causes a lot of traffic in the early morning. nobody does really get hurt) and it's nice for jokes. i've never been too involved in it however so i'm not sure how to respond to that as properly. oh, and we had this wave in which Sunni's won't eat anything or buy anything from a Shai store and that actually dropped their sales quite drastically. people aren't so strict about that anymore and tend to go just whatever.
    i've been dealing commenting on this post considering i'm lazy and i wanted to answer your questions but i didn't want to open the tab.

    -Sam Lupin

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