Tomorrow I have an appointment, a consult, with yet another shrink. This appointment was supposed to happen months ago when I came back from Singapore, but I had to get my documents released from the last shrink I saw back in January. I'm so incredibly tired of meeting people for an hour, having to divulge all of my life, my struggles, my deepest secrets, so that they can analyze me and decide, within 50 minutes, exactly what's wrong with me. I know that I'm seriously messed up. I'm already aware of that. I don't need some specialist to tell me this. I've seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors in the last year and a half, that I've lost count. I've been diagnosed with almost a dozen personality, mood and behavioral disorders. I've been on medication after medication, with so many side-effects. I'm just tired. Of all of it. Yes, part of me wants to feel better; but another part has just accepted that I never will. And that's ok too.
I've just been down these past few weeks. And, yesterday, I saw a lot of old high school friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in 3 or 4 years. It's all just made me realize how unwell I am. How lonely I am. How, while everyone is changing and evolving, I'm just stuck in the same rut I've been in for over 2 years and a half. On the outside, I look like I've really got it all figured out. These people look at me and see someone whose life is pretty much perfect. No one could even guess that I tried to die this summer. Or how every single day is a battle. Isn't that amazing? How we can be looking right at someone but never know who they truly are?
I wish you all a wonderful start to this new week.
All my love,