Childhood dreams

"I'm looking for a way to become

The person that I dreamt of

When I was sixteen" 

Do you ever think back to who you dreamt you would become when you grew up? I don't necessarily mean what your dream job was, a firefighter, a princess, whatever, but more what kind of person you dreamt of being. Who did you picture yourself growing up into?

Personally, I didn't dream of being like this. I mean, I must seem ungrateful because I have so much to be proud of and happy for, and I do try to remember those things, but I know that this isn't quite who I hoped I would be. Never had I imagined that I would become a girl bowed down in front of a porcelain bowl. Or a girl who's pain was just exploding out of her. 

In all honesty though, I always sort of knew that I would die young. I always had this inkling that I would become very ill or die of suicide. I never imagined that I would fail at it, though. 

Since I was little, I've felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. In the darkness and warmth of my bed at night, I would cry for all those suffering in the world; tears would stream down my face for the hungry, the poor, the cold, the people that died in Nazi concentration camps, the lost, refugees, the victims of genocide... At a very young age, I was aware of how painful the world is and I would just cry for all of those who couldn't. 

But I never dreamt of the day where I would be too drained to go to school. Of the day where the pain overwhelmed me and I had to seek help. Of the day that I leaned against others for strength. In my most perfect dreams of myself, I would be the one who saved the world. Naive? Yes. But hopeful, idealistic, wishful? Always. 

Now, I've lost all faith. Not only do I not believe that the world is capable of changing, not only am I cynical and jaded and tired, I also feel as though I will never make it somewhere worth being. I plow through each day as best I can, but, more often than not, I'm not quite sure why. My brain is a hyper-rational place to be, and it is just incapable of understanding what the purpose of this is. To go to heaven? I've stopped believing that a long time ago and I wouldn't want to spend eternity anywhere anyways. To transmit our genes for the continuation of the species? I have no intention of bringing children into this world. And, either way, we are such insignificant specks in all the ever-expanding vastness. I've been told that this view is called nihilism. Perhaps. 

But then, on the other hand, I get anxious over the smallest things. If everything is insignificant and has no purpose or meaning, these specks of nothing should not give me anxiety, correct? But they do. So I am just left feeling more confused than ever. 

All I know is that I feel terribly disappointed in myself, always. I aspired to be so much more than I am now or that I ever will be. The years at which I hit my "prime", at which life was at its peak, were from the age of 16 to 18. Now, they're over. Which is what I've told everyone with regards to my attempt at ending my life; if I reached my peak and it's only downhill from here, what exactly is the point of carrying on? 

But now, if I was not even able to end this life, what does that say about me? Not only do I fail at living, but I even fail at dying, which is essentially all anyone is doing anyways. Basically, I failed at the only absolute thing that is inherent to all living things. Dying. So where does that leave me

All my love,

Lena xx

The blanket

My emotions have been a huge mess lately and I definitely feel as though I am slipping back into depression. It's like someone is pulling the nice warm and comfy blanket I had covering me right off and I'm left naked and freezing, exposed to the world, desperately trying to claw at that blanket before it is completely pulled away. As you can imagine, I don't like it.

The shrink appointment was difficult. I was interviewed for half the session by a resident, then for the other half by both the resident and her supervisor. The goal of this appointment was just to evaluate me and decide on the next plan of action, and I will not ever be seeing these people again, I don't think. Which is part of the reason why it made it so difficult to just spill my guts to them. On top of it, I know exactly why they are asking certain questions, what they are evaluating, so it becomes a huge challenge for me to not just accidentally lie or exaggerate things. I also had to avoid them thinking that I was having some sort of psychosis, which I'm pretty sure the supervisor thought I was having at one point because I wasn't looking at them. I mean, is it such a crime to not want to look at two people while talking about my life?

All in all, they made the diagnosis of episodes of major depressive disorder over a background of dysthymia that has been ongoing for at least 2 and a half years. Also, on top of that, the bulimia nervosa, which I had never really been diagnosed with officially and, though I tried to explain that it seems like something more physiological than psychological, they weren't having any of it. So those are my current 3 official diagnoses. They were also unclear as to whether or not I have borderline personality disorder, because I do exhibit some of the symptoms but not all.

For the course of treatment, they've decided that I will be put on fluoxetine (Prozac) for both the mood disorders and the bulimia, as well as back on trazodone for sleep. They'll also be referring me to the psychiatric service for regular visits with a professional, and they are recommending a full workup (blood, etc.) as well as regular weigh-ins (which are pointless since my weight never goes down into dangerous territory, if it does go down at all). They also want me to self-refer to the one specialized ED clinic for outpatient treatment, but the waiting list is very long. In the meantime, they are recommending a self-help book (yeah, like I have the time/energy/interest to read that...).

So there you have it, folks, the freak show.

Today, I got up in a crisis from lack of sleep, cried excessively, yelled at my mom, and decided to just skip school entirely and go back to sleep. Because I'd be missing two mandatory activities, I lied to the Faculty and to some classmates about an uncle dying. I know, I'm a horrible person. I feel guilty and, at the same time, I don't. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a compulsive liar or a sociopath or something. I don't know. Am I a terrible person? What do you guys think? I just feel like such a loser lately, like I really am losing control of my life, running too fast on a treadmill. Balance and stability are what I've been aiming for, but I seem so far off target that I'm not quite sure how to get back. Hence the blanket being pulled away. How do I keep it together?

It's almost the weekend, ladies, let's stay strong!

All my love,

Lena xx

Shrinks galore

Tomorrow I have an appointment, a consult, with yet another shrink. This appointment was supposed to happen months ago when I came back from Singapore, but I had to get my documents released from the last shrink I saw back in January. I'm so incredibly tired of meeting people for an hour, having to divulge all of my life, my struggles, my deepest secrets, so that they can analyze me and decide, within 50 minutes, exactly what's wrong with me. I know that I'm seriously messed up. I'm already aware of that. I don't need some specialist to tell me this. I've seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors in the last year and a half, that I've lost count. I've been diagnosed with almost a dozen personality, mood and behavioral disorders. I've been on medication after medication, with so many side-effects. I'm just tired. Of all of it. Yes, part of me wants to feel better; but another part has just accepted that I never will. And that's ok too. 

I've just been down these past few weeks. And, yesterday, I saw a lot of old high school friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in 3 or 4 years. It's all just made me realize how unwell I am. How lonely I am. How, while everyone is changing and evolving, I'm just stuck in the same rut I've been in for over 2 years and a half. On the outside, I look like I've really got it all figured out. These people look at me and see someone whose life is pretty much perfect. No one could even guess that I tried to die this summer. Or how every single day is a battle. Isn't that amazing? How we can be looking right at someone but never know who they truly are?

I wish you all a wonderful start to this new week.

All my love,

Lena xx

The gala

A post is long overdue, but I've just been really busy. Finding time and energy has been a challenge.

So, what happened at the gala?

Arriving late, I was kind of left out of my normal group of soccer friends/acquaintances as D. was there talking to everyone. She was being her "public self", which is was I call her when she's trying too hard and being overly exuberant and enthusiastic. I just hung back, not really talking to anyone, until a couple of my friends came over. They decided to leave the table they had originally set up at (with D.) to come to my table as I was all alone. That was nice of them and we had an OK evening, though I was extremely anxious the whole time. D. kept looking over at me from across the room, I felt very isolated, there was too much food, I was so tired... On top of it, I had to submit my paper that night before midnight, and I hadn't sent it in yet. The food was making me feel so sick, but, when I went to the bathroom, one of the girls followed me so I couldn't throw up. I wasn't quite sure why, but I just kept feeling more and more anxious and isolated so, as soon as all the awards were given, I decided to leave. I said bye to my table and made my way to the other table where D. was, because I hadn't gotten the chance to speak to anyone there and I wanted to say goodbye. Also, D.'s sister was there and had won an award, so I wanted to congratulate her. As we had spent the whole weekend together for the referee course a few weeks ago and had had a good time, I thought that she'd be happy to see me. 

As D. saw me approaching her table, she pulled her phone out and started playing with it, "texting" or whatever. I was trying to speak to her sister, but I could tell that D. had said something to her because, though she seemed happy and excited to see me, she quickly "realized her mistake" I suppose and became distant. Regardless, I congratulated her on her award and said that I liked her dress. Without looking up, D. blurted out "I picked it". I said, "Well, good choice, it's very nice, where did you get it?", which she ignored and I had to repeat myself. She answered, not looking up. The whole time, I felt like that loser kid in the movies that no one likes and who tries to talk to people but they mostly pretend that he/she isn't there. I felt awful. I decided to leave, but, just then, D. got up and handed me a bag, saying that it was a birthday gift that she had ordered for me in May but that had only just arrived. Not feeling comfortable accepting it, I tried to politely decline, but she insisted that I keep it, saying that it had my name on it so she couldn't return or keep it. I went outside, realized that it was a rain jacket with my name on it, and went back in, offering to reimburse her for it. Basically, the whole thing was incredibly uncomfortable because she was looking away, playing with her phone, avoiding eye contact. I just couldn't understand why she was making things so difficult. I had hoped that she and I could just talk casually and politely, like acquaintances. I ended up leaving, feeling somehow ashamed and worthless, crying and throwing up when I got home. 

(There was also a lot of stress with my paper on eating disorders, as I had to exclude all of my research on anorexia because it was way too long. If any of you still want to read it regardless, please leave your email address and I'll be sure to send it to you. Again, it's pretty technical and research/biology oriented, so it may not appeal to everyone.)

The next day, I texted her, thanking her for the gift and saying that it was nice to see her, but that I didn't feel that it was right to accept, so if she could please tell me how much it was, I would reimburse her for it. It took her about a day to answer, and I dropped off a cheque at her father's house.

After that, I started to feel bad. I mean, what if bringing the gift to the gala had been some sort of peace offering and she had just been uncomfortable? She very well could have just dropped the gift off at my parents' house and she wouldn't have had to talk to me at all. What if she had brought it to get the chance to talk to me? It was possible that I had just misread her signs, and I really did miss her...

So, on Tuesday, I decided to text her. Here is our exact conversation. The first message is mine.

-Hey, I was just wondering if ever you might like to go grab a coffee sometime..?

-Thanks for the invite but I'm not interested. Maybe another time.

-Well, I meant anytime we're both free, not necessarily today.

-Yeah, I'm not interested.

-Ah. Can I ask why?

-I'm just not interested.

-I thought that you bringing the gift to the gala was a gesture of good faith or something, a way to reach out.

-I brought the gift because I ordered it in May and it only just arrived and I have no use for a jacket that has your name on it.

-I understand that. But you could've just dropped it off at my parents' house. I thought that you bringing it in person was a way to reach out.

-Sorry to mislead you. That was not my intention.

-I'm a bit unclear about something, so, purely out of curiosity, what exactly are you mad at me about?

I don't mean this in a confrontational way, I just genuinely don't know.

-I'm not mad and I don't want to pursue this conversation.

-Well, that's the thing. If you aren't mad and I'm not mad and we were friends for so long and saw each other through a lot and were really good friends, I just thought we could have coffee to catch up. Because you were an important part of my life and I of yours, it just seems a shame to completely burn bridges. I'm not suggesting that we pick up where we left off, just that we grab coffee like two people who knew each other, not to hash things up or kiss and make up. Purely to catch up. Nothing more or less.

-Maybe sometime in the future, but as I said, I'm not interested.

-I'm just not sure what that means.

-It means that I don't want to have coffee and catch up with you at this point in my life.

-I don't understand why.

I understand your decision and respect it, and I won't ask you again, but I would just like to understand why.

She never answered that last one. I know that you are probably reading this and cringing because I am just so incredibly pathetic. You have to understand, though, that I'm honestly hyper-rational, and it's really challenging for me to let go when things make absolutely no sense to me. Some of my friends call me a robot sometimes, because I literally cannot comprehend irrational things most of the time. So this, for example, just makes no sense at all to me. Especially considering that I didn't actually do anything to her. She did it to me. 

Anyways, I feel like a complete loser re-reading this. I know that I seem desperate and stupid and weak, but I just wanted tor each out. I guess that I just have to let go. 

I'm sorry for this really random post and I'm sorry that I've been writing so poorly recently, especially since it's all been about really mundane and redundant things. I know that it's incredibly lengthy and boring and that you all just want me to get over it. So I'm sorry.

Tuesday was also my 1-year anniversary with Dan. I didn't think that we should celebrate since we were broken up for over 3 months, but he insisted and it was absolutely lovely. I was worried that I'd ruin it since I ruined Valentine's day last year, but I luckily didn't.

I apologize again for this completely dull post, and I hope that you all have a great week.

All my love,

Lena xx
P.S. Thank you for your lovely comments on my last post. Sam, I think that it is absolutely hilarious that you think that I have thin legs because they are the number one fattest part of me that I'd trade in a second, but thanks for the laugh.

Happy Halloween!

Welcome to my new followers and happy Halloween!

Things have not been going so great, but I'll write about this later. I just wanted to quickly wish you all a great day. I love Halloween but, unfortunately, I will be stuck writing this important review article on the pharmacology of eating disorders. It's actually pretty interesting to learn and write about, but I would have liked to be able to do something tonight. Anyways, if any of you would like to take a read once I'm done, ask and I'll send it to you, no problem. You do sort of need a science background though because I'm dealing with all the neurotransmitters and receptors involved. 

In other news, Dan and I are now official again. And he told me that he loves me. I (sort of) said it back this weekend, but it is a big struggle for me. I don't quite understand love, what it means, what it's supposed to feel like. I didn't grow up being told that I was loved, my parents (especially my dad) never say it to me unless it's like mandatory (in a birthday card, for example), so I don't really know anything about it. Try explaining this to someone, though, and things get messy. Anyways, I'll be doing a post of Dan and on sexuality soon because I'm really struggling and I want to get it off my chest. Also, I've been crying constantly. It's such a foreign thing to me because, before my Nonno's funeral in June, I was too numb to cry at all. Now, in the past few days, I've been crying multiple times per day and having to stop myself from crying in public. Maybe it's just exhaustion (tons of people in my class have been randomly bursting into tears this week), maybe it was PMS (I just got my period yesterday), but I'm really worried that it's depression creeping back in. I mean, I never "lived" my depression this way, it was much more numb, but I know that one of the symptoms can be unexplained crying or the urge to cry. I don't know.

Tomorrow night, I have this soccer gala thing that I go to every year. It's to thank the volunteers and, because I'm a coach, I am always invited. However, I feel really anxious about it this year because, first, I hardly coached because of my Nonno, then Singapore, then the huge fallout with D. So I feel guilty going because I don't feel like a "true" coach/volunteer. Also, D. will be there (probably). I haven't seen her since August, haven't spoken to her in weeks. I've been thinking about her all week, good things, bad things, just wanting to cry every time. I'm filled with regret and guilt and anger and feeling like this all must somehow be my fault. I don't know. Dan is telling me to just completely ignore her tomorrow, but I can't do that for many reasons, one of which is that we'll probably be seated at the same table. Another reason that I'm anxious for this gala is that a lot of our mutual soccer and referee friends will be there, and a lot of them have "coincidentally" stopped speaking to me after this fallout with D. It really hurts me, because I made a point of not telling anyone at all that we had had a falling out, but I'm realizing that she has been talking badly to me to our mutual friends, I know this because these people have stopped contacting me and have stopped inviting me to parties and events. I find it so hurtful, especially considering that no one asked me what had happened. These are not my closest friends, thank God, but they are still people that I saw regularly and hung out with at parties. It just stings. So, all this to say that I'm sort of regretting RSVP-ing to this gala tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't go. There is a mass for my Nonno's death tomorrow night as well. I don't know what to do. At the same time, I want to go to the gala and look strong and beautiful and like I've got it all under control no matter what anyone says or does to me. But I don't know whether I am truly strong enough to do it...

Anyways, this was meant to be a short post, but I guess I ended up having a lot to get off my chest. Here are a couple of pictures, in honor of All Hallow's Eve. The first is a pumpkin I carved of an anatomically correct heart. The second is just one of me rocking some Halloween colors today.

Have a great day!

All my love,

Lena xx

Clarification

Again, this won't be a proper post as I'm just writing this between classes. I promise that I'll get to it asap.

First off, just a huge welcome to my new followers, it's so flattering, as always. (Though it does make me feel a little anxious to think that I now have to "perform" or something... Make things interesting in some way...)

Secondly, just a clarification concerning my last post, because some of the comments made me feel as though there was a bit of confusion. I have never been nervous about mental health lectures before and have always found them very interesting. They don't make me sad or stressed or anything normally. It's just that now, just a few months I was "ill" (this is code for "tried to seriously hurt myself", which is also code for attempted suicide and was hospitalized in a foreign country for 10 days, all of which is very difficult for me to say), these lectures are difficult for me to sit in on. This is partly due to the fact that I'm still having flashbacks from that event, from the hospital, from everything, so I spend most of my time pushing those thoughts out of my head/being in denial. Also, I always feel as though the lectures are describing me, which is a bit unnerving. It is also partially because I hate hearing people talk about things that they have never ever experienced first hand. The lecturers are usually ok, because they have obviously been exposed to these situations, but my peers aren't. In between lectures on mental illness, they judge and analyze and pretend to understand when they don't. They talk about how "Yeah, sometimes I double-check if the door is locked, God I'm crazy" and "Once I imagined hanging myself and got so scared that I immediately stopped and saw a therapist for a year because I was so concerned". And I just can't deal with it. We had a Small Group on overdose and their level of ignorance was driving me insane. I have overdosed. I am/was sick. I have experienced all of this first-hand. I don't feel superior, I just feel as though they will never adequately grasp what they are talking about and I really wish that they would stop pretending to.

Anyways, I just thought that maybe my last post warranted this clarification. I hope that you are all having a lovely day.

Love,

Lena xx

P.S. Dan is meeting me for lunch and I have a feeling that he will be telling me that he loves me, and I find this so incredibly terrifying because I have absolutely no idea how to reply to that sort of thing... But this is definitely a story for another time.

This won't be a proper post (I feel as though I haven't written a proper one in a while, and I have so much to say, it's kind of annoying...). I just wanted to say that I'm waiting for class to start, and there is going to be a lecture on psychopathology and suicide this morning. I don't know if I can sit through it. I don't know. I'm actually terrified.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

P.S. I'm still waiting on my exam results. I just really hope I passed. Thank you all for your kind words and well-wishing last week.

You know you have issues when...

You skip your shrink appointment and the guy you're seeing lets you stay at his place alone to chill, and you take the opportunity to raid his and his roommates' food, just because. And then get sick. Ughhh. What is WRONG with me?!

Midterm

Exam tomorrow. Didn't do much today, but cracked down this weekend and managed to get through all 50 lectures. I don't know if I'm ready, but it's 10pm and I've stopped caring. My rationalization: it's only worth 22% of my overall grade, I only need 55% on it to not get into any trouble, and my brain randomly retains things. So it should be ok. In the end, even if I don't get that 55%, I'll just get into sort of trouble, I think. Can you hear my brain rationalizing from where you're reading this? I've also made a post-midterm plan of how to better study for the final. I think that it should work out better than what I've been doing until now. But, honestly, I'm so much better school-wise than I was last semester, so I'm trying to have faith. I'm just anxious because I failed the last exam I wrote (this retake exam in August before school started) and I had to retake it. It was the first time I failed anything in my life, and it put me on sort of probation with the Associate Dean. Anyways, that's another story, but it's just making me anxious that I haven't written and passed an exam in a while.

After that, I'm going to a hospital not too far away to interview a patient (yes, a real live one, lol), then I have that UN thing that I do. I might also force myself to go to the post-midterm party, if only because I've never been to one of my class parties and I feel like I'm such a loner. Realistically, it probably won't happen because those sorts of things stress me out too much, but I'm keeping my options open. The UN guys might want to grab a beer too, so we'll see. 

I'm going to be exhausted. But I've been telling myself that it's just one day. That's what I've started telling myself when I can't sleep and/or I've got a big day ahead and/or I feel overwhelmed: it's just one day. That's all I can do, right?

Shrinky appointment on Thursday. Not really down, but whatever. Again, it'll be ok.

Mood and food and sleep have all been bad. I've had my first few binges in a couple of months. Nothing insane (so always under 1000cal at a time, never really over 2500cal in a day), but still. I can sort of feel myself sinking into old moods and hurts, and I'm not quite sure how to stop it from happening. I think that it has a whole lot to do with my sleep cycle being ruined since that roadtrip with Dan. Not that I'm blaming him at all, but I just really need to reset my sleep to get back to a good place, I think. It's amazing the impact that sleep, or the lack of it, has on how I'm feeling.

My Nonna came over for (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. It was hard because all she talked about was my Nonno. Honestly, I love her, but I just can't talk about him that much. I need to talk about him in small doses, only when I'm ready. I feel terribly guilty about it, because I know that she needs me right now, but I'm just not strong enough to do it. I'm a terrible person, I know.

Anyways, this post is sort of all over the place, sorry about that. I hope you all had a lovely weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

Quick update

Sleep's been terrible, mood's been terrible, studying's been terrible.

Only gotten through 6/50 lectures, not to mention the 22 Small Groups that I have to review.

It's Thursday night, my exam is on Wednesday.

I'm so screwed.

Keep thinking about bad things.

Keep missing/wanting to text D.

Dan came out to study with me tonight, God bless him.

He's being super supportive.

We may be about to get serious again.

We talked about it a little when we got back from our road trip (which I've been meaning to give a proper update about, but haven't had the chance). 

I think I may also be starting to fall for him.

Which is weird because I just don't do that.

I think he may be starting to fall for me too.

He kind of keeps dropping the L-word in weird/semi-joking contexts.

Weight-wise, been basically feeling sick/throwing up every single thing I eat, so I have no idea what my calorie count is at.

Lost 2lbs between yesterday and today, but I'm pretty sure I'm just dehydrated from vomiting and running.

Also, cancelled the shrink appointment I was supposed to have today because I didn't feel like spending 3 hours in transit just to go talk to him for an hour.

I kind of feel like tons of people (docs, shrinks) just want to pick at my brain like I'm some interesting creature to study because I was "sick" this summer (yes, that's the euphemism I've been using because I have trouble saying the real words). 

I mean, I'm all for science, but it's a bit much when you become the research project.

So that's sort of how I feel with mister shrinky-man. 

I should stop now and go to bed. 

God knows that I have so much to do tomorrow.

Including randomly going to school to do a mock patient interview.

Whoever scheduled this was really stupid.

Don't worry about me, girlies, I'm doing fine. 

Just a bit of a drop.

I guess it was overly optimistic to think that I was magically cured.

I was kind of expecting this.

I'm sure things will get better soon, that this is just the sleep-deprivation from the trip talking.

Sorry for this floundering, incredibly random, stream-of-consciousness post.

I'll stop now.

All my love,

Lena xx

"This is when the feeling sinks in

I don't want to miss you like this

Come back.

Be here."

Last night was a bad night.

Today is a bad day.

Exam in exactly one week.

Haven't started reviewing anything at all.

Can't.

Stuck.

Brain going round and round.

Ping pong balls of thoughts.

Flying and bouncing and giving me no peace.

My beautiful Nonno.

How I miss him.

He said he couldn't die until he attended my wedding.

That will never happen.

He will never see me graduate medical school.

I will never make him proud.

God, I miss him.

The worst was when they closed the coffin.

All I could think was that he wouldn't be able to breathe.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't do this without him.

He was the one sure thing.

And now he's gone.

I'm so tired.

I just want to cry and sleep forever.

Please leave me be.

But I can't.

This stupid exam. 

I couldn't care less.

Just leave me be.

Just let me drift away.

To a painless place.

Please.

Some numbers

Officially lost 1 more pound from my "pre-period weight". This tips the scale (oh, the pun) and leaves me below a BMI of 23. So I now have a BMI in the 22s :) It also leaves me 2lbs away from the weight I was at after my hospitalization in Singapore. Then, I had lost about 12lbs in 10 days, mostly muscle mass, and was very weak. Now, I've been eating clean and healthy, keeping my calories in a healthy range, and running 3-5 times per week. This is the right way to do it. I mean, I'm still throwing up sometimes, but it's only a few times per week now, and I honestly think there is something physiologically wrong with me, more than just the ED making me sick. This also leaves me 7lbs away from the LW I hit last December, and 20lbs away from where I'd like to be (though I may want to lose another 8lbs after that, but let's take it one step at a time. I honestly don't know if I have the frame to get there). Slowly but surely, I'll make it. What I've realized is that I'm in no hurry. Sure, I'd like to get there ASAP, but I'd also rather not constantly be bouncing up and down, so I think that slowly is the way to go. I can be patient, right?

In other news, I'm leaving on my roadtrip with Dan in a few hours. Still need to pack and everything. I wanted to go for a run, but there are construction guys redoing our driveway so there's a huge hole in front of the house that I don't really feel like crawling through and embarrassing myself in front of all of them... So I guess I won't  go. There probably isn't enough time anyways. I'm extremely anxious about this mini-trip for a bunch of reason, including food, meeting tons of new people/his closest friends, potentially meeting his brother, driving for 6 hours straight there and back, food (again), parties, them smoking up (I don't do weed), them drinking (I don't like who I become when I'm drunk), Dan wanting to stay up all night to party (I can't afford to do that since I have developed a very precarious sleep cycle that is just keeping me from having insomnia every single night and I don't want to ruin it with staying up and waking up late), the TONS of studying that I have to do since my exam is in a week and a half and I have about 150 hours of lectures to review before then (fml), frolicking... Oh, and did I mention food and meeting new people? Ugggh. I know, I sound like a boring old lady, but, seriously. I have finally found some form of (precarious) balance in my life, I don't feel like ruining it all this weekend. But I told him that he can do whatever he wants, I won't at all hold him back, but I may just head back home on my own when I'm tired.I just need to be brave enough to tell him when I need to go.

*Breathe*

Ok. It will all be ok. Right? Right.

Have a great weekend, my dears (where did the week go??). And be kind to yourselves.

All my love,

Lena xx

Comic

I should definitely be sleeping because I have to get up again in 7 hours and have tons of work to get done by 9:30am tomorrow. And I should definitely be posting about something more important/articulate/whatever because I have a lot on my mind and there is a lot to say and a lot has been going on. But instead I've been catching up on blogs and facebook and other intellectually stimulating things, and I happened to come across this, which I thought some of you might enjoy.

So, enjoy!

All my love,

Lena xx 

P.S. I seemed to have put on 3 pounds, but it might be just water-weight from being on my period, so I won't freak out just yet. 

Fool me twice...I'm an idiot.

Friday was what we call the White Coat Ceremony. It takes place partially through Med-2, and it's a pretty swanky event, where we receive our short white coats for the first time, representing our beginnings "in the wild", with "real patients". Basically, we will soon be starting our work in the clinics, so this ceremony's purpose is to mark this new transition. It was a nice event, though a bit too pretentious for my liking, but these things always are. My parents, nonna and godmother came, which was nice, and then I had a family dinner in the evening. My other aunts also watched it on the live stream online, getting teary-eyed, and Dan did too (watch it, not cry, haha). My dad and godmother got emotional too, which I found a bit odd. My dad has been getting emotional a lot this year, which is a completely foreign thing for me. 

The only thing that made the day bitter-sweet was that, just a few months ago, my ex-friend/roommate (let's call her D, because this is getting annoying) had promised that she would be there. I know that it's stupid, but part of me wished that she would show up and keep her promise, in spite of everything that has happened. But, obviously, that was dumb of me to think. 

I texted her, that evening (Friday), because I wanted to let her know that my parents would be paying her back shortly for the money that she dished out for my first few days in-hospital in Singapore. I also wanted to let her know about the White Coat Ceremony. And, finally, I also asked her if she could maybe pay me back the $52 I paid for the electricity bill at our apartment while I wasn't living there but she was. Oh, and I asked her if she could maybe stop spreading stories about us to our mutual friends. I was satisfied with my text, because it didn't sound spiteful or rude or petty or anything, it was just politely distant. But when I got her reply, I was disappointed because, though her tone was the same as mine, she took a few jabs at me. For example, she asked if the could subtract the $52 from the $475 that I owe her for July's rent. She also said that she would "keep that in mind", regarding the talking to our friends about us. I was a bit hurt, and just told her that I had already paid for July's rent before we left for Singapore, that I wish that she could have come to the White Coat Ceremony, and that I wish that she could just speak to me courteously. Also, that, if she would rather not pay me the $52, that was fine, no problem. To which she responded with what I consider to be a huge low-blow. She said that she needed closure and had to move one, so she would disregard July's rent (which, as I said, I've already paid), August's rent (to be clear, she forbade me from going to the apartment when we got back from Singapore, so the only time I went was to pick up my stuff with my parents, so I'm not quite sure why I would be expected to pay rent), as well as the $302 that it cost her to replace her medication. All three are below the belt, but it's the medication thing that really gets to me, first because that's not how much her meds cost, second because she gets them reimbursed through our school insurance, and third (and especially) because of how incredibly insensitive such a statement seems to me, especially coming out of the blue and clearly meant to just hurt me.

Now, just to put things into context, when I OD-ed, I took anything I could get my hands on, including her medication (effexor). And, to be clear, the number one reason for my distress and the "trigger" if you will was her. I obviously didn't take the medication to steal from her or to spite her, but with the hopes of ending my life, to punish myself for what she did to me, because I felt that I must have deserved it. Is it just me, or is it a bit insensitive for her to ask me to reimburse her for that? I mean, considering the context and all that. If I had tried to hang myself with her belt and didn't succeed because it broke, would I have been expected to replace it? Just the fact that she would stoop so low as to weigh that in the balance makes me feel sick. Honestly sick. Am I crazy?

Anyways, I remained polite and just said that I was trying to be courteous and polite, not hitting her with any low-blows, and that I didn't understand why she couldn't treat me with respect or why she had to be so hurtful. What I didn't say was how much that killed me a little bit inside.

I've had a very intense weekend, what with the Ceremony and this weekend-long refereeing course that I took yesterday and today. D's sister was in it with me, which was nice because I like her, but also difficult because she took me back to their dad's place where I spent basically all of last year, before I moved out. I miss her so much (D) sometimes. I just don't understand why she's being like this, where this is coming from. I don't get how someone can be your whole life and family one day, and then turn around and treat you like nothing at all. How does that work? How does it happen?

Anyways, the course was fun and I had a lovely evening last night with Dan. I felt really...loved? It was nice.

I have another hectic week coming up, and my huge midterm (yes, I only have one, but my program pretty much depends on it) is in two weeks, so obviously I'm starting to freak out. Dan and I also have a roadtrip this weekend, he wants me to meet his friends back home, so I'll be driving us there (about 6 hours away - he doesn't drive). Obviously, considering my general anxiety, this is really stressing me out. As is this day trip I'm going on tomorrow to see a more rural hospital where I may decide to do my clerkship next year.

Anywayyys. I apologize for what has been a very long and chaotic and boring post. My thoughts are kind of racing tonight, can't seem to get them straight.

Sorry.

Wishing you all a great start to the week.

All my love,

Lena xx

"I know you're fine, but what do I do?"

7am.

School.

Got lots done yesterday: running and reading and Small Group prep for the entire week. 

And the shrink.

He was ok. Bilingual, which I like. Though I felt that he was sucking up to me a bit. 

It's just hard. 

Hard to talk about what happened.

Hard to talk about Singapore.

Hard to talk about losing my closest friend.

She was my everything. 

My friend, my family, my life.

I based everything I did on her.

And then she betrayed me in the deepest way.

The shrink says that it isn't stupid.

But that it shows just how sensitive I am.

Which is funny considering that no one in their right mind would ever call me sensitive.

I don't like him saying that I'm sensitive. I don't want to be "sensitive". It's a bad, ugly word.

It's so difficult to try to explain how my mind works.

Why, in her betrayal, she proved to me that I deserved it.

That I should be punished.

She condemned me and I deemed that the adequate punishment should be death.

When the only person that you have in your life deems you unworthy, how can you not deem yourself unworthy as well?

He asked if I really thought that I would die.

I laughed.

"Well, that was certainly the plan."

He didn't seem to find that funny. I did. Stupid questions are funny.

He asked if the doctors thought that I would die.

I don't know. They just told me that I had given them a good scare.

Unconscious, seizures, hallucinations, failing kidneys, liver giving up, vomiting, aspiration pneumonia.... 

"So you decide what that means."

He just took notes.

He isn't very knowledgeable regarding medication, which bothers me a bit.

But I'll give him a fair shot.

He said that he wants to see me every week rather than every two, since he thinks that "we have a lot to talk about."

Oh, buddy, we haven't even scratched the surface. 

I teared up a bit. So embarrassing. I refuse to cry in front of people, especially shrinks.

I don't want them to feel like they've won.

He offered me a kleenex, which I refused.

I hate showing weakness. I hate being exposed. I hate feeling stupid and vulnerable and out of control.

He said that he sees a lot of people cry.

I said that it was just so cliché, the girl crying in front of her shrink.

I hate that I'm a cliché.

I want to be so much more than that.

He asked whether I was still mourning the loss of my friend.

Nod.

That's what it is. Mourning.

I'm so tired of mourning.

I'm so tired of being sad.

I'm so tired of being tired.

Swallow the pain.

Breathe.

Paint a smile on your lips.

Pretend to be happy.

Fake it til you make it.

Right?

Right.

Teehee

Just a quick post to share something that I found funny. Yesterday, Dan was trying to run this program on my laptop and I had some of your blog pages open. He saw them and proceeded to ask me if I was reading erotica. Lmao, now you know what randoms think of your blogs, they must seem pretty sexy, teehee.

Have a wonderful day.

All my love,

Lena xx

P.S. Thank you for all your comments on my last couple of posts. I managed to refuel on sleep last night, going to bed at 7:45, believe it or not, and sleeping until 4-ish. I feel much better today. Don't know what I would do without your continued support.

P.P.S. (I know, it's like I'm unable to write a short post, sorry...) I finally have my first counseling appointment this afternoon, with some new guy. Wish me luck! :S 

Edit: So, obviously, because I wasn't feeling crappy today, the Universe decides to punish me: I sneezed in class and this somehow made the button on my jeans break. No one noticed, but now I'm left feeling like a fucking fatass and I can't fix them and I've asked Dan to bring me a safety pin, but I'm so embarrassed. I mean, I've had these jeans for a while and they've always fit fine and I'm actually getting thinner so wtf?? I'm just so humiliated...

Insomnia, old friend

Insomnia. Welcome back. I am grateful that I have you to curl up against at 5am. I am grateful for the mediocre two hours of sleep that you gave me tonight. And I am grateful for the crappy day that lies ahead. Thanks, hun.

All my love,

Lena xx

Advice/thoughts please?

Just a quick post to say that my ex-roommate/friend/whatever was a no-show last night so I stressed out for nothing. Except, what pisses me off, is that she went and told people that she didn't think she should come if I was maybe gonna be there. So then it came out that we aren't friends anymore (or whatever this stupid situation is). I mean, I have made it a point to keep this away from all of our mutual friends because a) I don't like to air my dirty laundry in public, b) I thought it'd be more respectful to her and to our obliterated friendship, c) I don't want any of our friends to feel awkward/like they have to take sides or whatever, and d) it serves absolutely no purpose to say anything to anyone. So she went and told the guy who's birthday it was, when I had coffee with this guy a few weeks ago for a couple of hours and said nothing to him. Not only do I find it totally inappropriate to make someone's birthday somehow about you, but on top of it he was a bit hurt because I didn't say anything (yeah, he's sensitive like that). Plus, she comes across as the martyr who is sacrificing so much because of me. But I never asked her to steer clear of me and I was gonna play nice. AND THIS WASN'T ABOUT HER, IT WAS ABOUT THIS GUY'S BIRTHDAY. And I know that she just didn't feel like going, so this gave her the perfect out. It really makes me fume that she would use me and our problems like that. GAHH.

*deep breath*

Anyways. I know that this is all petty and everything. I know. But I feel like I should say something to her about how infantile she is being. What do you guys think, yay or nay? Do I say something or just let it go? I really suck at letting go... (I'm actually hoping for advice on this one because my "real life friends" are tired of hearing me talk about these things.)

In other news, my Saturday was super productive (woot!) and I've lost 5lbs in 10 days (woot woot!). This is without heavy restricting or anything, no binges, eating pretty freaking clean (knock on wood). Do you believe me when I say that I actually leaped into the air when I saw the number? Oh, it's the little things, isn't it? :p

Hope you're having a great weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

Swimming through the madness

Do you ever have this insane hope that someday the madness will stop and that you will just be happy again? Truly happy, like you were as a child, like you were before you started hating yourself and before you started just going through the motions? I do. I long for that day when I'll wake up and realize how beautiful the world is. Has the world ever actually seemed beautiful and lovely to me? Have I ever been truly happy, even as a child? Not sure. But I do remember the days when I used to be an idealist and I used to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that would be enough to get back.

This week has been sort of up and down. Managed to get to school Monday through Wednesday and yesterday afternoon, but not yesterday morning or this morning (no class this afternoon anyways). I also had that first session of that college-level class that I TA on Wednesday; we actually held the interviews, t'was a long and slightly painful process,  but I do think that I will enjoy it much more this year, mostly because I feel more confident in my capabilities and I'm not constantly fighting the urge to hurt myself.

That's the biggest difference this year, I guess; I feel more serene. I attend understand what's happening in (most of my) classes, I'm not falling (too far) behind, I am participating in the Small Group sessions, I actually do not do too badly on the quizzes, I'm going running on a semi-regular basis... I also haven't had a "real" binge in the longest time (knock on wood) and have been eating pretty damn clean if you ask me (this will surely change as soon as my period comes along). Things are looking up a bit. Of course, the bad is still there: I throw up at least once a day, I'm still obsessing over food and calories and food groups, I cancelled my counseling appointment on Tuesday and today because I just don't feel brave enough to face it yet, I still have nightmares and flashbacks, sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack in the middle of class and will have to run away, I only see a select few friends because the others just seem "too much"... But I'm getting there, right? Slowly but surely, I suppose. Doing my best, I guess that's all that anyone can ask for...

Tonight is going to be a bit of a challenge, because I was invited to this dinner for a friend's birthday. The thing is, he's the only person I'll know there, besides my ex-roommate. I haven't seen her since... well... Almost 2 months? I still think about her everyday, I still have dreams about her, I still find myself wanting to turn to her... But she isn't here anymore. And she hurt me so deeply. So she will be there tonight, and I'm terrified of seeing her again. Which is why I've asked Dan to come along, if only so that he can squeeze my hand under the table and make me feel a little bit safer. We'll see if that works out. Honestly, I just want to bail, say that I'm too tired to go, whatever, but this guy is super nice and I know that it would hurt him if I didn't show up... The guilt card always works on me, that's for sure. Anyways, I'm doing everything I can to make this go well: I've already looked up the menu and picked what I'll eat, I've picked what I'll wear and my makeup and all that, I've made plans with Dan who's never come this far across the city to see me (I usually go to him, lazy butt :p)... I've thought of my strategy regarding my ex-closest friend: I think I'll just play it really cool and collected, seem super happy and content, like everything in my life has fallen into place. I won't be bitter or resentful or call her out on her bullshit, I'll just sit there with a smile like she's a vague acquaintance that I haven't seen in a long time. Polite, but distant. God, I know that I'm rambling, this is just really stressing me out...

Some of you have been wondering about Dan and I promise that I'll update you on that whole situation asap. I just feel as though that will have to be a separate post to kind of give a bit of context and all that. So please forgive the confusion for now :)

Anyways, wish me luck for tonight! And I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

One-way mirror

Do you ever feel as though you're looking through a one-way mirror? As though you can see everyone, everything, and what they're all about, but no one can truly see you? I spend a lot of time feeling this way. Without meaning to sound conceited or arrogant, I feel as though I have this ability to read people and to see through them so easily. It is my hope that this will allow me to be a good doctor. But it also leaves me feeling very far away from people, because they are never able to read me quite as well. It's a lonely place, where your thoughts and feelings are so foreign to others that there is simply no way that they would ever be able to comprehend them. You have to filter them out and offer only what people can tolerate, because the rest is just too overwhelming or incomprehensible. Meanwhile, you are able to perfectly understand all that they are living and feeling and experiencing. Does that make any sense?

In other news, the vomiting has gotten worse. Now it isn't just when I feel sick, but it's back to being about the scale. Well, who am I kidding, we all know that it's about so much more than simply losing weight. If asked to psychoanalyze myself, I'd say that it's because I'm trying to have some sense of control, and this gives it to me. Staying in control of my school work, of my schedule, my routine are all proving to be challenges. But I can control this. So I do. (What's the point of seeing a shrink if I already know all these things?)

My first shrink (counselor) appointment since Singapore has been scheduled for this coming Tuesday. The anticipation may very well give me more anxiety than the "therapy" (or whatever) actually removes or eliminates, but I said that I'd give it a (fourth? fifth?) shot, so I will. Not looking forward to it though. If anything, this will be one more shrink that I can break down. It's all a bit unfortunate, really.

So, all in all, the mask is back on, the cracks have been sanded over, no one is the wiser. My pain is nicely tucked away, I'm being friendly with my parents, talkative even, I'm having daily lunches with one of my friends, I'm speaking up in Small Groups at school, I'm attending lectures. Looks like I'm holding it together. I'm getting out of bed (on most days), hanging out with Dan (yes, he's back in the picture), resisting the urge to sleep all the time. I haven't cut since before Singapore, haven't tried to hurt myself since then either. Who knows how long this will all last, but so far so good, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

All my love,

Lena

Sharing the secret

I just watched this movie, Sharing the secret. Some of you probably know of it, it's about a 14 year old girl with bulimia. It's a bit triggering, so I don't especially suggest watching it if you aren't in an entirely good place, and it's also a bit naive in certain respects, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I especially liked it when, towards the end, the girl wonders how, after talking about such deep and difficult things, she can go back to the "real world", where all anyone cares about are boys and makeup. It made me think of this community, where we expose all of our pain and then have to somehow go back to the real world. I especially felt this way coming back to "normality" after all I had experienced, before, during and immediately after my hospitalization.

On the plane back from Singapore over a month ago, I also watched Side effects. This was an equally slightly triggering movie, especially so close to my recent overdose. The first half is best (the second falls a bit flat), and I found that it depicted pain in a way that makes a lot of sense to me.

Now, I am back home, with my parents. School began once again last Tuesday. Already overwhelmed, I'm just trying to stay afloat and to live day-by-day. The schedule is grueling and, when I arrive home, I am typically exhausted and just barely have the energy to prepare for the next day before going to bed and having it all begin again. There has been drama in my house, and I am going to move in with my Nonna. The main reason I haven't yet is a bit difficult to explain; when I am with her, it's like we can each see the extent of our own pain reflected back at us through the other's eyes. I don't know if I am strong or brave enough to face that yet.

I am no longer living with or speaking to my old roommate. The story is a long and painful one for me, which I can't even imagine trying to explain in a blog post. I am probably wrong or overreacting, but to me it feels as though her betrayal has cut me so deeply. But that's not the worst, to me, I don't think; the worst is that I was willing to remain her friend if she reached out to me, but she didn't. She decided to let me fall and has made a point of no longer speaking to me. Which is ironic, I suppose, since she's the one who has destroyed me.

So I spend everyday trying to remain close to the few other friends that I have left, trying to stay strong, trying to make it through, one day at a time. No one quite understands, which leaves me alone with myself, especially at night. When my mind and body finally relax, I am filled with old regrets, pain, grief for my lost friend and my lost Nonno, flashbacks from the horrible reality of when I was in the hospital... The rest of the time, it's like none of it ever happened; but, at the darkest hour, my brain enjoys looping it all together and putting it on replay, making me watch the movie over and over again. 

This all sounds very dark and scary, but that's mostly what happens at night. In the day, I am focused on my 7 to 8 daily hours of  class, lunch with one of my three friends, then getting home, preparing for the next day, and going to bed. Calorie counting has re-become a habit, but I haven't vomited in about a week, which is good. I've cut myself off of my medication as it was leading to terrible binges, and that seems to have helped greatly in building more stable eating habits, as eating too much always left me nauseated. It wasn't even that I necessarily wanted to throw up, more that I had to rush to the bathroom to do so.  The medication was also causing worse nights, many dreams and nightmares, and drowsiness in the morning. I feel a bit better now that I've stopped taking it.

I've also been trying not to be as isolated, at school and with my old friends. Trying to attend all my classes is a challenge, but I am attending most, which is already such a big improvement compared to last semester. I'm sorry that I haven't been as present in this community over the last few months; I've been making a point of reading all your blogs diligently, but I simply have not felt able to comment or to post. It is impossible for me to explain what happened in Singapore. It is impossible for me to explain what it was like to try to die. But thank you so much for all your kind and supportive comments during this difficult time, they have really meant a lot.

All my love,

Lena