My first day back home (at my parents') has been a pretty big mess. I got off the bus and hopped into the car without saying goodbye to anyone, threw up as soon as I got home (there was nothing to throw up; I hadn't eaten anything in over ten hours), took a very short and restless nap, got my parts cut out of that Passion Play that I've been mentioning, stormed out about an hour before we were supposed to present, crashed at a friend's place, cried (which I haven't been able to do in months) in front of her (I never cry in front of people), witnessed the look of horror and pity in her eyes as I summarized the mess that I have become, and binged (a real binge like I haven't had since being vegan), in that order. Now I am afraid to go to bed, as is the case more nights than not. I don't have the strength to throw up, I cannot stop coughing a deep, wheezy cough, and I'm resisting the urge to hurt myself. I haven't weighed since getting back because I am far too ashamed of how fat I've gotten, and I desperately just want to disappear. Please just make me die.

Concrete jungle

Hi ladies,

I'm writing (what I hope will be) a quick post for the US's own Big Apple. Let's just say that it's been a bumpy ride. I'm sharing a room with my two co-faculty advisors who are male and they don't make my insomnia any better, trust me. So I have basically been sleeping an hour or two per night. The first few days were especially rough, with me trying to let myself cry (unsuccessfully) in the darkness and texting my boyfriend and roommate just wanting to go home. New York has lost it's magic for me; I used to love this city, and now all I can think is "What a waste." A waste of everything: ressources, money, energy, people... For real, if half of what goes into New York City in the form of advertisement went into developping nations, there would be a lot less problems. If half the food that is wasted, half the calories that are exaggerated and unnecessary, went to feed the hungry, we could solve world hunger and obesity all in one. I hate the excess here, of noise, of people, of light. It's all just too much.

I'm here for a model United Nations that gathers students from around the world to simulate the work that the UN does. So maybe it's just the fact that my students are talking about erradicating poverty all day that makes me hate this city. But I think it's more that I'm just hard inside.

When I signed up to be a faculty advisor for this activity, I was already broken down. But the last time that people involved in this project saw me, I was still the great, in control, perfect person that I used to be. So I don't think that the senior advisor and the teacher in charge expected me to be like this. I know that I've let them down this year and that I haven't been as involved as they expected and wanted me to be. I just couldn't. I am not who I was. I had a good talk about it with the senior guy yesterday. I didn't go into much detail, but I did tell him that he cannot imagine how hard the last couple of years have been. Of course, I could never explain how close to self-destruction I constantly am, how I'm walking on a very thin line all the time. He, and people in general, could simply never understand. So I just kept it vague. But he still told me that, since the last time he worked with me two years ago, it's as though something inside of me has died. He said that it's as though I have experienced so much pain that everything is too much, including this city. Which is true.

But today and yesterday have been a bit better. I am responsible for my students, and this kind of activity, with its high-stress and little sleep lends itself well to nervous breakdowns. I can deal with nervous breakdowns. I can take care of people. I can pick them up when they fall. It's fantastic because, while I am doing that, I don't have to try to fix myself. I don't have to worry about whether or not I will crumble. I just have to pick up other people's pieces and make them perfect again, which I know is impossible for me. But, them, I can fix them. And I'm good at it, I always have been. It's part of the reason that my place really is in medicine; because I can take people, give them what they need, and make them better again.

New York is also taking a toll on me food-wise. I haven't been able to maintain my vegan lifestyle here, though I have remained vegetarian. And I haven't been able to count calories either. The thing is that, in this kind of high-stress activity, everyone is looking out for everyone else and making sure that no one is forgetting to eat. So food is on everyone's mind and they notice right away if you haven't eaten. They also watch what you eat a lot. I thought that I would be able to get away with it by being vegan, but no such luck; people gave me such a hard time about it, that I had no choice but to let dairy and eggs back into my life. I hate it though; I feel fat and bloated and ugly. I can't wait to go back to what I want to eat. I also miss this blogging community and my thinspo pics and all of that. And running. God how I wish that I had brought my shoes.

Anyways, I haven't had much time to read blogs and I am incredibly behind in school work. I'll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back. But, here and now, it's like time stands still for this simulation.

I hope you're all doing well, you're in my thoughts.

Lena xx

Food post

I've been wanting to write a "good" post for a while, with more of my thoughts and feelings and what's going through my mind, but I just haven't had the time. I also want to update on how things went with my family but, again, no time. So this will just be another food post, sorry for being so boring.

Sunday, at my Nonna's, I had some Pasta San Giuseppe, which is spaghetti with bread crumbs, raisins and pine nuts. Sooo yummy. Being vegan gave me the perfect excuse to avoid absolutely everything else that was being served except fruits and veggies. It was very difficult, trust me. I am born and bred from a culture that loves to eat. I also had some rice and tofu later that night, and a spoonful of Raisin Bran. All in all, not as bad a failure as it could have been.

Yesterday was supposed to be a 400cal day on the SGD, but I ended up having 530 (thin raisin bagel (170), 1 tbs peanut butter (100cal), 1 slice of whole wheat bread (90cal), 1/4 cup mixed nuts (170cal)), plus fruits. I did walk to and from work (-128 cal) and I worked a four-hour shift (-635cal), so I think I'm ok. That's how I'm rationalizing it at least.

Today, I haven't really eaten anything yet though I have set out some food (peanut butter (100cal), 2 vinta crackers (67cal) and granola (160cal), plus fruits). I haven't touched it yet because the bf is coming over soon and I think he's going to be bringing food.

I can't decide whether these intakes are good or bad, but I haven't been binging and haven't ben snacking like crazy at work, so I'm assuming that I'm eating a hell of a lot less than I was. I know that I'm a terrible restricter, but if I can at least keep myself from binging and throwing up, I feel like that's a good start, right? :S

Head-wise, things have been a serious mess and I haven't been able to go to school yet this week (not to mention that there is a snow storm today). And I am extremely anxious about going to NYC on Thursday; lots of non-sleeping, sharing a room with two boys, no privacy, nowhere to freak out alone and quietly, no roommate to help me calm down.... Gaahh....

I'll try to write a proper post before I leave, sorry for all the boringness. Lots has been going on, but I just don't have much time/energy to write. I'm still reading though! :)

Take care!

xx

Update

First off, sorry, I know that I post too much on weekends. Too much time I suppose, ha.

Anyways, just wanted to give a quick update on how my day has been. I ended up cooking for over nearly 3 hours and a half, burning a lovely 450-some odd calories, which is great. I also did 21-27-21-21-10 full sit-ups and 30 crunches, as well as this little workout:

Set 1: 5 chin-ups, 10 squats, 10 push-ups, 30s plank

Set 2: 4 pull-ups, 20 lunges, 9 narrow push-ups, 5 v-sits

Set 3: 5 narrow chin-ups, 10 squats, 7 push-ups, 10 ins & outs

Obviously, because I suck, I can't actually do chin-ups and pull-ups, but what I did was like "hang" with tensed arms for the number x 10 seconds (so let's say for 50 seconds if it asked for 5 chin-ups or whatever). I did feel my arms working, so I think that it's a good compromise until my arms get strong again. The leg portions (squats and lunges) were obviously too easy because I have massive thigh muscles (flashback of my exam yesterday) form soccer and running and everything, but oh well. Not quite sure how many calories this burned, but I'm assuming at least 30, right? It's too bad because while I'm in NY it'll be pretty much impossible for me to do any running/workouts. My only consolation is that I will definitely be doing a ton of walking.

As for food, I had some of that pasta I made (140cal), a little under a tablespoon of peanut butter (80cal) and one of those thin raisin bagels (170cal). That puts me just under my SGD limit for today with 390cal. Thank God that I decided that fruits and veggies don't count because I think I might have died. No idea how you pretty girls manage, you have so much more control than I do. So I also had half a banana, some of that beet soup, some mango and some berries. I am currently trying to fight off the urge to binge, so I might just go and have more mango and berries and call it a night early to stop me from eating more. 

Tomorrow my limit is supposed to be 300, but that is so not happening with my Nonna cooking for me. I had said that tomorrow would be a freebie, so it's ok, right? Oh dear...

Have a lovely evening girlies!

xx

Plans and breaking fast

My fast has lasted exactly 24 hours and I am currently in the middle of a major cooking marathon, making a cream of asparagus and mushroom, a cream of roasted beet and potato, crumbled tofu, and balsamic tomato-basil pasta. A lot of my veggies were going to go bad and I'm leaving on Thursday (and God knows that my roommate will just ignore rotting things in the fridge while I'm gone), so I thought it best to just cook everything now. I have also been thinking about this game-plan of mine for the next 30 or so days. First off, I have decided that I will break fast when I'm done cooking, as I don't want to be starving tomorrow when I get to my Nonna's because that will surely mean a gorge-fest, meaning that I will be starting the SGD as of today. This leads me to my second thought: I will be doing the SGD the "proper" way, i.e. considering fruits and veggies as freebies. I think that this will make the transition easier and will help prevent me from binging. As it lasts 30 days, I can start off with that, then do a "pure" SGD for month two, and then ease into the ABC. This means that I have a plan for the next 3 months, which is perfect since I finish school on June 20th and will be leaving for Singapore right after. I would love to be skinny and bikini-ready for Singapore, and I think that this might be a good way to get there. What do you all think? Finally, I have also decided that, though I will not include regular walking to and from school into my calculations, I will include any extra activities that I do, for example when I run or the workout plan that I'm starting. I haven't decided yet whether I will subtract these from my total, but I think that maybe I should as it will keep me motivated to go. I mean, if I don't track how these sorts of things help my intake, I feel like I'll be more prone to make excuses not to go, right? Anyways, I like it when I'm in plan-mode, makes me feel a bit more alive. It is also rather extraordinary for me to be planning my next 3 months, because lately I have been unable to make plans for more than a couple of days in advance. Part of me just always thinks that I may be dead by then. Macabre, huh? 

In other news, I finally watched that show that all our British friends have been raving about, Supersized vs Superskinny. I'm not much for reality TV, but I think that this may serve as good thinspiration when I feel that I need it.

Hope everyone's having an excellent Saturday! I'm thinking that I may try writing some French poetry and posting it here. I don't know if any of you read French, but I think that it may do me some good. Hope that it won't be annoying for you... :S

xx

Out of hiding

I'm back. As you can imagine, this week was seriously hell. Everything seemed to be going wrong, my computer has stopped working, I couldn't concentrate, it was a mess. But now it's over. And now it's time for me to get things back under control. I have been seriously slacking off since January. I had managed to lose about 20lbs before the Holidays and I have put them almost all back on. And then I wonder why. Well, duh, it's because I've been letting myself go, giving in to whatever, whenever. Before Christmas, I was doing so well. It's time for me to get back to it. I need a plan and I need to stick to it. And I have to stop looking at net and start looking at intake. Net is lying to me. It's time to shine. Enough of this being fat, feeling crappy, hating myself. This week has been hell because I have been too freaking lazy/tired/depressed/whatever to attend my classes. I'm in med school. It's a freaking miracle that I've been managing to get 70s while not attending a single class. Imagine what I could accomplish if I tried. And that starts with discipline. Shit just got serious, ladies. I need to set goals, respect them, feel like I'm achieving something. So I'm kick-starting it with a fast. No food until Sunday (when I have to go to my Nonna's (grandmother's) for St-Joseph's (San Giuseppe)). Then, Monday, I'm SGD-ing it. I don't want to set myself up for failure by ABC-ing it (yet), so I think that this is a good compromise. It's going to be difficult enough as it is because I am leaving for NYC this Thursday (for that Model UN thing) until Good Friday, and then there will be Easter. I'm going to try to keep myself in check in NYC, but I won't be able to avoid Easter (unless I want to make my Nonna cry which, no, I don't). So Easter and San Giuseppe are my freebies, but the rest is SGD. And I can't decide whether or not to count the walking that I do in there, but I'm thinking not because I tend to slack off when I do. Plus, in New York, it's going to be very difficult for me to keep track, especially since I'm sharing a room with two guys and I don't want to be obsessively mapping out routes to see how much we walked. So I think a "pure" SGD is a good idea. Here's the plan (as of Monday - below). This diet also doesn't count fruits and veggies, but I'm gonna try counting them and see how it goes. I know that for you "real" restrictors, this seems like a joke, but I've never been a restrictor and I just want to start off by breaking the binge/purge cycle. I'm also going to get back to running (haven't been in a week because of this madness) and my workout plan is starting today (I'll post what I've done later). Now please excuse me while I go catch up on your blogs :)

Hope you all have an amazing weekend/spring break!

Mucho love xx

SGD

Day 1. 400 calories

Day 2. 300 calories

Day 3. 400 calories

Day 4. 500 calories

Day 5. 450 calories

Day 6. 650 calories

Day 7. 650 calories

Day 8. 400 calories

Day 9. 300 calories

Day 10. 400 calories

Day 11. 500 calories

Day 12. 450 calories

Day 13. 650 calories

Day 14. 700 calories

Day 15. 400 calories

Day 16. 300 calories

Day 17. 400 calories

Day 18. 450 calories

Day 19. 500 calories

Day 20. 650 calories

Day 21. 700 calories

Day 22. 400 calories

Day 23. 300 calories

Day 24. 450 calories

Day 25. 500 calories

Day 26. 450 calories

Day 27. 650 calories

Day 28. 700 calories

Day 29. 400 calories

Day 30. Fast!

I have just finished listening to my fourth lecture for today. Yesterday, I managed to get through 6, but I'm much more tired tonight and I started quite a bit later. I had a soccer game (won 4-1) and I ended up stopping by my house to say hi to my parents (generally pretty awkward and had me running out of there). Skyped with the bf for a bit; he's back in town, but he got home late and I'm trying to make him understand that, this week, I really do need to study. he kept saying how pretty I was and how much he missed me, and I kept answering no, that I look exhausted, that he's just "lonely" so to speak and that he didn't miss me, he was with his friends and family. It's like I've said before, I don't accept compliments very easily. It's not even that I'm trying to be difficult, I'm just being rational. I suppose that it was nice of him to say anyways... I also had that Passion Play thing today that I'm preparing for Good Friday. Got a new part, so I have a few more lines and some more singing. It's alright, but I get really nervous/self-conscious with my singing, so I'm going to have to practice quite a bit I think. Anyways, I have managed to get through 11 out of 23 lectures in 2 days, going to have to up that a little or I'm going to be in serious trouble. For tonight, though, I'm just too tired (it's nearly 2:30am). My roommate keeps reminding that I will do my very best and that that's all that I can do; she knows that I always aim too high and put too much pressure on myself, though I feel like I have considerably reduced my standards recently. I also finally got to weigh myself today, but it was on a full stomach. Even so, I'm down 5lbs in 3 weeks, which isn't great, but is ok considering that I'm on my period (i.e. water retention) and that I had eaten (didn't want to faint during my soccer game, that would've been bad). I want to step this up a notch though, which is why that workout thing is going to start getting serious. Tomorrow is when the official thing starts, and I'm promising myself that I will do it in spite of all the work that I have to do, especially since I have no idea when I'll get the chance to go running this week. I also hate that I used to be so toned, but am now becoming weak. I generally have larger bones and muscles than most of my female friends, so it has always made me very self-conscious because I have never been that "delicate girl", even when I'm lighter than my friends. At the same time though, I never wanted to be "delicate"; I wanted to be able to take care of myself, to stand up for myself, and to never have to depend on a boy to help me with anything. Which is why I am this guarded with my emotions, rarely cry, and make a point of opening my own beer bottles thank-you-very-much; it's a question of pride and principle. Anyways. Now I'm sort of unsure of what I want, body-wise, but I'm going to say that I would rather be toned than flabby either way. And this workout, like I said, is a great alternative/complement to running. It's also a great procrastination/re-energizing tool for when I'm studying. Let's just hope that I stick to it.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. Be kind to yourselves.

Love,

Lena xx 
P.S. Net for today is at -383cal. 

Exercise

I have managed to get through 5 lectures today. Sucks because it's Day Light Saving Hour today, so I lost one whole hour of studying (we move the clock ahead by one hour in spring, so it jumped from being 2am to being 3am). I also got fed up with my fat self, so I'm going to try this work out program from home, to get some more strength training in. Sucks because I have a chin up bar in my room (randomly was installed across the door frame, I most certainly didn't set it up), but I can't even do a single chin up. My brother can do dozens and I used to be able to do a couple, but I suck now. Anyways. I did 100 crunches, 50 squats, 15 push ups (boy push ups, I don't do girlie ones; I used to be able to do dozens, but I suck now) and 61sec of plank. I also took some "before" pics to make myself ashamed and keep myself in check. I did end up throwing up before (had been a week since last time, oh well) and now I have terrible reflux. Guess I earned it. Anyways, my net for today is at 36cal, minus the few hundred (at least 200 for sure) calories that I threw up. The strength exercise that I did today was just to find my "category" in this program, but it sort of royally failed because I'm in the "prep group" for chin ups, group 1 for push ups, group 2 for squats and the plank, and just in no category for sit ups because apparently beginners aren't supposed to be able to do 100. Oh well. I can do hundreds of crunches, don't know what they're talking about. Whatever. I'm writing it here to make me a bit more accountable. I used to do a lot of strength work because I did karate for 3 years and I would hate having boys be better than me, so I would push myself so hard. Now, because I don't feel like I've got anything to prove, I've let myself go. Well, not anymore. I have something to prove to myself. Enough with this flab. If I'm going to ingest the calories, I might as well do something with them like tone up. Right? Right.

P.S. Please don't ask why I felt the need to exercise at nearly 3 (well, now magically 4) am. It just had to be done.I might actually go and do a bit more, just because.

Fat failure.

My eating is out of control, my studying is out of control, I'm out of control. I might throw up tonight. I can't stop eating. Walk a lot, do a lot of stuff, and then just waste it all by shoving food down my throat. I have 19 lectures to listen to because I have missed them, so about 25 hours worth, and I have gotten through 3 lectures (4.5h) today. I need to get through at the very least 3 more, and it's already 11:30pm. It was beautiful out today, warm and sunny with blue skies, and all I could think of was running into oncoming traffic. For real. It's not even that I want to think that, but that's all that's on my mind. How best to off myself. All the time. Pills? Hanging? How can I best make it look like an accident so that people won't have to feel guilty? I also have 3 histology labs (6 hours worth) to go over, plus another 6 hours of anatomy lab talks, and 4 lectures to read and highlight. And then I have to take notes on everything. So 30 lectures to take notes on. Had to coach today. My girls had an exhibition game against another city and my roommate (and co-coach) made me ref it. I was pissed at first, but, finally, thank God because I would not have been able to deal with the other overly-hyper, overly-happy coaches if I had had to sit on the bench. My girls won, 6-2, which is a rarity. But that game meant that I had to go all the way home, passing by my house without stopping by because my parents and I aren't currently speaking. And then I had to take the bus all the way back to the apartment because I can't/won't sleep in the house that I grew up in. And tomorrow I'm gonna have to do it all over again because I have my own soccer game and then this musical thing I do with my roommate's church for Good Friday (we rehearse on Sundays). So I'm gonna have to go to the library down the street from my house between both because my mom told me not to come back, and I have too much pride and anger and resentment to ask her to change her mind. Plus I'm working Monday and Tuesday. Plus I have to accompany my first-year patient to hospital visits on Tuesday and Wednesday. Plus I have class on Tuesday and a small group. Plus I have a blood-drawing session at the simulation center on Wednesday. Plus I have that UN thing Wednesday night. I am so screwed. My exam is Friday and I have to get through all of this before then. And I can't concentrate. And all I can think about is food and how fat I am and what a terrible person I am and when am I going to have time to run and throwing up and dying. That's all I can think about. Sorry that this is all just an incoherent mess, but that's all that I am right now: an incoherent mess. I saw a childhood friend of mine today, and I know that she couldn't stand being with me because I'm just a zombie. I'm just a shell. I'm like the echo of who I used to be. Pathetic.

Ok, generally crappy day, blah, blah, I don't want to bore or depress anyone.

BUT. Ok, this may fall into the TMI category, but I really feel like sharing (warning: pretty big trigger). Anyways, the bf and I were sexting before (yes, gives me a ton of anxiety, but he really enjoys it and he's lonely back home and I'm trying to be a good girlfriend and stuff, so, yeah...) AND this is what he said : "God you're so fucking sexy Lena" to which I replied "Yeah? You find me sexy? What's sexy about me?" (I don't take compliments very well, so that's pretty much as good a response as it gets.)  So he starts saying things, whatever, whatever, and then he says this: "The little gap your thighs make when you're standing straight." Now, let me make it clear that he kind of knows that I have food issues, but not really, and he knows NOTHING about the things that we, in our insanity, dream of. So he knows NOTHING about thigh gaps. And I've never ever spoken to him about them or how I am just dying for one or how I envy any girl who has one. Never. So I was like "Little gap?" and he answered "Yeah when you're standing there's a little gap between your thighs. It's so hot." To which I answered "Hmm, I didn't know that... You like it? From the front or the back?" (yes, this is where I get a little obsessive)  and he answered "Well both lol but you get a better view from the front." And then I decided that to obsess any more would seem insane so I stopped but teeheeee!! I don't think I actually have one because I haven't had one since I gained weight over the Holidays, but still, heee :)

Anywayyys. Also just saw The Silver Lining Playbook and I really enjoyed it even though it was a romcom and I'm not really into that. But I think that I could relate on so many levels because the main character is just so messed up. Also, half the meds that they named in there I have taken or am taking, so it made me feel dysfunctional but in an ok way, if that makes any sense.

Anyways, just wanted to share this news. I will stop now before I go on another everlasting rant about how miserable I am and how screwed I am for my exam next week, haha

Have a nice weekend girlies!

xxx

P.S. Yesterday's net: 709, today's net: 613. Ran 5k (24m32s). Stupid girl at the track would accelerate every time I tried to lap her, it was driving me insane and ruining my tempo. Whatever. Can't wait to finally run outside again.

Last night

Last night was bad. Like, really bad. I just suddenly had this urge to cry. I almost never cry anymore because I can't. And I just wanted to die. I was texting my roommate across the hall, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. And I feel like I'm just pathetic. There is no reason for me to be this way. There is nothing. There is just me and my thoughts in my head. In my messages, I was telling my roommate just how much I hate myself. I really do. I don't deserve to live. No one deserves me in their life. I'm nothing. I'm stupid and lazy and a waste of air. One day like yesterday, which is supposed to be a "normal" day, and I am just finished. I didn't go to school today. I couldn't. And I won't go for a run today. I can't. I just made some sweet potato burgers and fries for my roommate, and I'm going to work later. That's all. I am not functional right now. If anyone could hear what it's like in my head, I think that I would have been institutionalized a long time ago. I have cut most of my friends out of my life because I just cannot deal with anything. I just want to hide and sleep forever. I don't want anything. I am unworthy of med school and of happiness and of food and of water and of people. I don't deserve any of it. They are all wasted on me. I just deserve to let myself drift away. I just want to disappear, without any kind of fuss, quietly. No one would have to notice. I wouldn't even want any of my stuff left behind, I would just want it to be as though I never existed. I hate myself.

I got my grade back today for Monday's midterm. Low 70's. The class average was 89. I am clearly just stupid. My roommate tried to remind me of how unable to study I was. It's true, but maybe I'm just lazy and stupid. I used to get above 90. Always. No exceptions. And now I just aim to pass all the time. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm not even scared of dying. I had never planned to live past 30 or 40 anyways, what's 10 years less? I wake up surprised that I'm still alive and I go to sleep expecting, hoping not to wake up. Always.

Just let me disappear.

A decent (though confusing) day

Today was indeed decent, but exhausting. I managed to wake up on time for my small group (thank God) then even attended class (for the first time in weeks, literally), had lunch NOT all by myself, attended the mandatory activities in the afternoon and another small group, worked a four-hour shift, and managed to do a ton of walking. I did binge on licorice and dark chocolate at work, but, in spite of that, my net for today is at -514cal. This day involved WAY too much socializing though; I do not deal well with socializing, and it's like tons of people that I hardly even know felt the need to talk to me today. I was slightly distraught, actually. I like sitting alone and going to school without ever talking to anyone, but that just didn't happen today, so it was a bit traumatizing. Another traumatizing thing is that a boy wanted to have lunch with me. He's in my anatomy lab group, so we've done dissection and stuff together, and we always end up doing our anatomy practicals at the same time because of the alphabetical order. He's Italian too, so we have a lot in common, and Monday, while we had to wait nearly four hours to write the practical, he sat with me and talked to me for a long time. Today was the same thing; he left his friends to have lunch with me, the loner. It was pretty embarrassing, really, and maybe it was just pity lunch, but then he followed me to class and sat with me there too. It was pretty traumatizing. I think that he may have a slight crush on me and I think that I may have a slight crush on him, because I couldn't stop laughing and blabbing (which I do when I'm nervous with people). He's also very easy to talk to because we have so much in common, which is different from when I'm with the bf. He and I are just so different, so we usually don't see eye-to-eye and/or just don't have anything to say. We also got into a fight via text last night (he's still home for Spring Break) because he's been lashing out at me a lot lately and I basically just cower and apologize, but am never quite sure what I'm supposed to be sorry about. So yesterday the same thing was happening and I was begging for forgiveness without actually knowing why, and then it hit me that I'm not that girl. I don't beg. I don't grovel. Hell, I hardly ever even apologize. So why should I be when I've done nothing wrong? I don't deserve to be told mean things (especially since I verbally abuse myself enough already). So I stayed polite but told him that he could speak to me again when he was willing to not tear me down for no reason. And, this morning, it was his turn to ask for forgiveness. He also told me that he misses me. A lot. Now, I don't miss people, so I couldn't say it back, but I appreciated it, even though I think he may be lying...

Anyways. Cue in this other guy, and I'm just really confused. All I could think about the whole time I was eating with him was how fat/ugly/stupid/awkward/embarrassing/boring/ridiculous/loser-ish/pimply/wreck-like/hideous/etc. I was. How I should not be talking to him. How I don't want people to talk or look or think about me, because I don't deserve any of that. How pathetic I am. I was just self-conscious the entire time. And I felt terribly guilty; he knows that I have a boyfriend and it's not like I've hidden it from him, but I didn't want to bring him up and I could tell that he didn't want me to bring him up either. So I'm just all confused. Because I could really get along with this guy. We have so much in common, be it culture or family or interests or sports or whatever. But, at the same time, I feel like a fraud. Because I am no longer this girl that I pretend to be, this is all just a mask, a shell. I'm so freaking screwed up inside. Can you imagine if he saw the scars on my legs? Could you imagine if he knew the thoughts in my head? I am not NORMAL. And he is SO normal. I am a pathetic freak in every possible sense and I don't deserve someone normal. No one deserves to have to put up with me and my issues. And I just don't feel like I can fake it like I used to, at least not for long periods of time. Which is why I hide in my apartment in the first place; so that I don't have to fake anything at all. And, on top of it all, I feel terribly guilty because I have never ever been in a relationship, so I don't know if this is considered bad. Honestly, I have no idea. Is it bad to have lunch with a guy who may be into you when you have a boyfriend? I don't know. My roommate is encouraging it though, saying that she's just really pissed and fed up with my boyfriend. I just don't even know how anyone else could possibly deal with my insanity like he does. Uggggh.

Ok, I'm done now. Terribly sorry to be rambling. I'm really your blogs, though I just don't have the energy to comment. I didn't even think I'd have the energy to post here, but then I had to get this guilt and inadequacy off my chest.

Hope you all had a nice day.

All my love,

Lena xx

Today has been so-so, but better than the last few days, so I'll take it. I went to bed early last night and managed to sleep (thank God), but when my alarm went off I just felt so sick that I didn't go to class. It's pretty bad because I am falling terribly behind and I already have so much to catch up on, but I just can't do it. I hate getting dressed, I hate leaving the house. I hate having people look at me or talk to me. I just hate it. I know that this is becoming problematic and that I should probably deal with it or something, but I just can't right now. I will have to go in tomorrow though because I have a bunch of mandatory activities, so I have to prepare tomorrow's small group and write an essay tonight. Won't be going for a run because my thigh aches so I can barely bend my leg, but it's ok because I don't mind the burn and I ended up cooking for over four hours and a half. I made vegan stuffed eggplant, cream of butternut squash (minus the cream), butternut and black bean stew and soy-glazed tofu, mushroom and asparagus. I seriously go through these insane cooking marathons, it's a bit crazy, haha, but I enjoy them and at least, while I'm concentrating on that, I'm not making myself miserable. I just really needed this day to rebuild my strengths a bit, though I know that I'm disappointing my roommate by not going to school. It's hard too because she's on spring break, so she's home which makes it easier for me to want to stay home too. Anyways. My net for today (with all the cooking) is at 566, which isn't great, but it's ok. Don't know if I'll be able to go for a run tomorrow as I have to work, but we'll see. Sorry that I don't have very much to contribute and am being pretty lame, haha... I have a lot of thoughts going through my head but nothing coherent enough to write down. Plus I'm attempting to be less pathetic, so, yeah... Anyways...

Hope you all had a good day!

Lena xx

I've survived my exams today. And this weekend without sleep. Actually, I haven't gotten much sleep at all in the past week. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight. The multiple choice portion of my exam went ok, I think. Well, I could have gotten 100 if I didn't have so many concentration problems now. It wasn't a very difficult exam. It's just nerve-wracking because each question was worth roughly 5%, so a couple of mistakes can be pretty costly. But I was just aiming to pass and I think I did. The anatomy lab portion (practical) was another story. I don't know how I did on that at all. But, regardless, it's over now. My final for this Unit is already in a week and a half, so no time to slack off and play catch up later. I've got to get back into the groove of going to school, that's for sure. 

I haven't thrown up since Saturday, so that's very good news, since I couldn't even hold water down that night. I had a soccer game yesterday which was great because I haven't played in so long. I really miss it. So that put my net for yesterday at 96cal. Today was pretty good too since I did so much walking between exams. I also went for a run, but I got kicked off the track by the track&field coach after just 12 minutes (2.3k). My roommate surprised me when I got home by ordering Indian food. She made sure that they made it all vegan. It was so sweet of her that I just couldn't refuse. I was doing so well today, very negative net, but it's ok. I'm at 192 now. My thighs are so sore from soccer, I love that feeling. The bf whines whenever he's sore after a workout or whatever, but I love that feeling, it proves to me that I've done something. 

Anyways, I hope you all had a nice weekend and that you'll have a nice week.

xx

It's just about 3AM and I swear that I'm in hell. I haven't even gotten through half of the material and I just cannot stop throwing up. I'm not keeping anything down, not even water or coffee. I've lost count of how many times I've been sick in the past two days, and I have lost track of my intakes and outputs because I frankly just have no idea. I feel terrible. I wish my roommate was here. She's the only one that can help me when I'm like this. I tried talking to the bf but he just doesn't get it and says that everything always works out for me in the end. That's just because he doesn't see how much freaking blood and sweat has to be drained from me to allow for this to all fall together. He thinks that it just happens magically. He doesn't want me to talk about my stress, he doesn't want to hear about it, he doesn't want to know about all my "cabeza issues". He asks sometimes, but he doesn't actually want to know. I support him through his most stressful life events but, when it's my turn, I'm just too much so he stops answering or just goes to bed. I know that it's terrible for me to say this, but I'm kind of relieved that he's gone home for Spring Break. I won't be seeing him for at least a week and a half, and I just really need that break and that distance. I can't deal with him constantly trying to impose himself on me. I just can't. And I can't deal with trying to say no to him and failing miserably. I need to focus, and he doesn't get or respect that, so thank God that he isn't here. I know. I'm a terrible person. 

I'm just sinking right now. I hear everyone partying outside (it's a city-wide all-nighter tonight, where bars and restaurants and theaters and clubs are staying open all night long). When's the last time that I went out partying? When's the last time that I've even WANTED to go out partying? I just want to hide. All the time. I want to hide my body, I want to hide my fat, I want to hide my misery. I have no right sharing any of it with the outside world. I had to take the subway and the bus home before, and I couldn't stand looking at my reflection in the glass. I couldn't stand the sight of me. I couldn't stand other people's eyes on me. I know that this is getting bad, that I just want to be home all the time. I don't see the point of leaving my house. I seem to have cut my old friends out of my life. They don't even bother inviting me to things anymore because they know that I'll say no or invent some excuse. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen, I don't want to have to fake a smile or a laugh or make small talk. It's too exhausting and I can't do it anymore. I supported all my friends for so long, I was everyone's mother for so many years, I was everyone's "3AM" person to call, but I just can't do it anymore. Where are my "3AMs"? I don't even want their help or support because I'm too ashamed of who I've become. They wouldn't recognize me. I don't even recognize myself. So I just want to hide in my freezing apartment and not have to share how much I hate myself with the outside world. I know that I sound crazy. I swear that I'm not though. I just know how terrible a person I am inside, how much negativity I have accumulated, and I don't want to spread it like some sort of disease.

I think my face is starting to look a bit thinner. I just want my eyes to sink in and my cheeks to hollow out so that at least I can look as sick as I feel inside. I don't know if I'm just hallucinating it though, because the rest of me is still just as fat. I'm so tired. I want the world to see how tired I am so that everyone will know to leave me alone. Maybe if they see how broken I am, I won't have to fake anything or try to explain. My face will be enough.

Have to go back to studying beautiful bones and muscles and tendons and ligaments. I just wish I was thin enough to feel them all perfectly on myself, my very own living anatomy to study.

Good night. It'll be a long one for me.

Saturday

Yesterday was a pretty strange day. I didn't sleep, again, stayed home, again, and tried to study. I just couldn't concentrate. I couldn't do it. I spent at least 3 hours in front of my work, getting stuck every minute, so I ended up hardly doing anything. I had a stress-binge and then, when I sat down to work again, felt so sick that I threw a lot of it up. Then I had to go see my shrink and we talked about that and about the bf and about my anxiety related to sex a bit. After, I went to the track to blow off some steam, but there were people there preparing for a track meet. I just felt like such a fat slob trudging around the track with all these athletes warming up. I couldn't take it, so I stopped after 3k (15m06s). I was just too embarrassed. It's not even like they were going faster than I was (they weren't), but I just felt HUGE. And it made me so ashamed because this used to be my world, I used to run with the fastest of them. It was humiliating.

My roommate then dragged me out to a movie with one of her friends. I think she saw how down and out of it I was. I know she meant well, but it just stressed me out so much to be out in public with her friend and we bought food for the movies (strawberry licorice and jalapeno popcorn and banana chips and fruit smoothies). They kept making me eat, it was making me so stressed and uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out how many calories I was eating and all that. The movie was so-so (Snitch). I was just surprised because my roommate has been so angry with my boyfriend for taking up all my study time, but then she makes me go out to the movies. A bit confusing. We came home and talked about whether we should stay in this apartment once the lease is up or find another one, and then I went to bed. Didn't fall asleep for a while, and then, at around 3:30, woke up feeling so nauseated that I just had to throw up. It was painful and acidic and not the same as when I am sick more "voluntarily". It just sucked. So this morning my roommate told me to stay in and that she would go coach alone. I'm going to have to endure a 1.5h bus ride twice though because we have a laser appointment later, so I have to go back home and then come back here. It's just all too much, I'm so tired. I'm so behind in my work and my exam is in two days. I have no idea how I'll make it. I don't even want to. I just want to quit everything and sleep. 

Sorry for another depressing post. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut. 

Have a nice weekend,

Lena xx

I feel like my posts are always really down and depressing. I don't mean for them to be, I think that it might be because I'm just so tired and overwhelmed by the time I write them that I feel really down. This being said, I didn't get any work done today and I'm starting to freak out for my exam on Monday. I don't know how I'll get through this. My roommate keeps telling me "one day at a time." So that's what I'll do, one day at a time.

I had to apply for summer internships today (the deadline was March 1st) for when I get back from Singapore. I know that it's gonna be a crazy summer, but I really need this to get some money. Anyways, I applied to 27 different places. One has already replied saying their full, but I'm hoping that somewhere will want me. My CV is pretty good and I seem well-rounded on the outside, so hopefully things will work out. I also had to do some cooking because a bunch of food was going to go bad, so I kind of improvised this cream-of-random-veggies, inspired from a cream of fennel and mushroom. To make a long story short, I ended up cutting out the mushrooms, throwing in a bulb of fennel, some celery, a cucumber, some cauliflower and two potatoes, and switching the milk for soy milk. My roommate tasted some when she got home and said that it was great. Who would've guessed? I also had to cook some tofu, so I stir fried it with some mushrooms and garlic, soy sauce, hot pepper, sesame oil and cornstarch. Turned out pretty great too. Guess I was lucky. 

I finally had a satisfactory net today of -700cal because of the extra long shift I worked on my feet and the cooking I did. Good news at last. Though I am exhausted. I'm also starting to develop these weird food hoarding habits. I'll set food out for myself and then leave a bunch there for days and days (in a tupperware), unable to ever convince myself to eat it. At work too; I work at a bulk food store, so I'll hoard nuts or candies or licorice or whatever, hiding them from people at work, taking them home to give to my roommate. It's all pretty strange. I don't know, do any of you do this? It's ok if I'm just a freak, haha

I'm hungry; eating vegan, I find it hard to ever be full. Guess that's a good thing.

Take care girlies, hope you're all doing well!
xxx