Fool me twice...I'm an idiot.

Friday was what we call the White Coat Ceremony. It takes place partially through Med-2, and it's a pretty swanky event, where we receive our short white coats for the first time, representing our beginnings "in the wild", with "real patients". Basically, we will soon be starting our work in the clinics, so this ceremony's purpose is to mark this new transition. It was a nice event, though a bit too pretentious for my liking, but these things always are. My parents, nonna and godmother came, which was nice, and then I had a family dinner in the evening. My other aunts also watched it on the live stream online, getting teary-eyed, and Dan did too (watch it, not cry, haha). My dad and godmother got emotional too, which I found a bit odd. My dad has been getting emotional a lot this year, which is a completely foreign thing for me. 

The only thing that made the day bitter-sweet was that, just a few months ago, my ex-friend/roommate (let's call her D, because this is getting annoying) had promised that she would be there. I know that it's stupid, but part of me wished that she would show up and keep her promise, in spite of everything that has happened. But, obviously, that was dumb of me to think. 

I texted her, that evening (Friday), because I wanted to let her know that my parents would be paying her back shortly for the money that she dished out for my first few days in-hospital in Singapore. I also wanted to let her know about the White Coat Ceremony. And, finally, I also asked her if she could maybe pay me back the $52 I paid for the electricity bill at our apartment while I wasn't living there but she was. Oh, and I asked her if she could maybe stop spreading stories about us to our mutual friends. I was satisfied with my text, because it didn't sound spiteful or rude or petty or anything, it was just politely distant. But when I got her reply, I was disappointed because, though her tone was the same as mine, she took a few jabs at me. For example, she asked if the could subtract the $52 from the $475 that I owe her for July's rent. She also said that she would "keep that in mind", regarding the talking to our friends about us. I was a bit hurt, and just told her that I had already paid for July's rent before we left for Singapore, that I wish that she could have come to the White Coat Ceremony, and that I wish that she could just speak to me courteously. Also, that, if she would rather not pay me the $52, that was fine, no problem. To which she responded with what I consider to be a huge low-blow. She said that she needed closure and had to move one, so she would disregard July's rent (which, as I said, I've already paid), August's rent (to be clear, she forbade me from going to the apartment when we got back from Singapore, so the only time I went was to pick up my stuff with my parents, so I'm not quite sure why I would be expected to pay rent), as well as the $302 that it cost her to replace her medication. All three are below the belt, but it's the medication thing that really gets to me, first because that's not how much her meds cost, second because she gets them reimbursed through our school insurance, and third (and especially) because of how incredibly insensitive such a statement seems to me, especially coming out of the blue and clearly meant to just hurt me.

Now, just to put things into context, when I OD-ed, I took anything I could get my hands on, including her medication (effexor). And, to be clear, the number one reason for my distress and the "trigger" if you will was her. I obviously didn't take the medication to steal from her or to spite her, but with the hopes of ending my life, to punish myself for what she did to me, because I felt that I must have deserved it. Is it just me, or is it a bit insensitive for her to ask me to reimburse her for that? I mean, considering the context and all that. If I had tried to hang myself with her belt and didn't succeed because it broke, would I have been expected to replace it? Just the fact that she would stoop so low as to weigh that in the balance makes me feel sick. Honestly sick. Am I crazy?

Anyways, I remained polite and just said that I was trying to be courteous and polite, not hitting her with any low-blows, and that I didn't understand why she couldn't treat me with respect or why she had to be so hurtful. What I didn't say was how much that killed me a little bit inside.

I've had a very intense weekend, what with the Ceremony and this weekend-long refereeing course that I took yesterday and today. D's sister was in it with me, which was nice because I like her, but also difficult because she took me back to their dad's place where I spent basically all of last year, before I moved out. I miss her so much (D) sometimes. I just don't understand why she's being like this, where this is coming from. I don't get how someone can be your whole life and family one day, and then turn around and treat you like nothing at all. How does that work? How does it happen?

Anyways, the course was fun and I had a lovely evening last night with Dan. I felt really...loved? It was nice.

I have another hectic week coming up, and my huge midterm (yes, I only have one, but my program pretty much depends on it) is in two weeks, so obviously I'm starting to freak out. Dan and I also have a roadtrip this weekend, he wants me to meet his friends back home, so I'll be driving us there (about 6 hours away - he doesn't drive). Obviously, considering my general anxiety, this is really stressing me out. As is this day trip I'm going on tomorrow to see a more rural hospital where I may decide to do my clerkship next year.

Anywayyys. I apologize for what has been a very long and chaotic and boring post. My thoughts are kind of racing tonight, can't seem to get them straight.

Sorry.

Wishing you all a great start to the week.

All my love,

Lena xx

"I know you're fine, but what do I do?"

7am.

School.

Got lots done yesterday: running and reading and Small Group prep for the entire week. 

And the shrink.

He was ok. Bilingual, which I like. Though I felt that he was sucking up to me a bit. 

It's just hard. 

Hard to talk about what happened.

Hard to talk about Singapore.

Hard to talk about losing my closest friend.

She was my everything. 

My friend, my family, my life.

I based everything I did on her.

And then she betrayed me in the deepest way.

The shrink says that it isn't stupid.

But that it shows just how sensitive I am.

Which is funny considering that no one in their right mind would ever call me sensitive.

I don't like him saying that I'm sensitive. I don't want to be "sensitive". It's a bad, ugly word.

It's so difficult to try to explain how my mind works.

Why, in her betrayal, she proved to me that I deserved it.

That I should be punished.

She condemned me and I deemed that the adequate punishment should be death.

When the only person that you have in your life deems you unworthy, how can you not deem yourself unworthy as well?

He asked if I really thought that I would die.

I laughed.

"Well, that was certainly the plan."

He didn't seem to find that funny. I did. Stupid questions are funny.

He asked if the doctors thought that I would die.

I don't know. They just told me that I had given them a good scare.

Unconscious, seizures, hallucinations, failing kidneys, liver giving up, vomiting, aspiration pneumonia.... 

"So you decide what that means."

He just took notes.

He isn't very knowledgeable regarding medication, which bothers me a bit.

But I'll give him a fair shot.

He said that he wants to see me every week rather than every two, since he thinks that "we have a lot to talk about."

Oh, buddy, we haven't even scratched the surface. 

I teared up a bit. So embarrassing. I refuse to cry in front of people, especially shrinks.

I don't want them to feel like they've won.

He offered me a kleenex, which I refused.

I hate showing weakness. I hate being exposed. I hate feeling stupid and vulnerable and out of control.

He said that he sees a lot of people cry.

I said that it was just so cliché, the girl crying in front of her shrink.

I hate that I'm a cliché.

I want to be so much more than that.

He asked whether I was still mourning the loss of my friend.

Nod.

That's what it is. Mourning.

I'm so tired of mourning.

I'm so tired of being sad.

I'm so tired of being tired.

Swallow the pain.

Breathe.

Paint a smile on your lips.

Pretend to be happy.

Fake it til you make it.

Right?

Right.

Teehee

Just a quick post to share something that I found funny. Yesterday, Dan was trying to run this program on my laptop and I had some of your blog pages open. He saw them and proceeded to ask me if I was reading erotica. Lmao, now you know what randoms think of your blogs, they must seem pretty sexy, teehee.

Have a wonderful day.

All my love,

Lena xx

P.S. Thank you for all your comments on my last couple of posts. I managed to refuel on sleep last night, going to bed at 7:45, believe it or not, and sleeping until 4-ish. I feel much better today. Don't know what I would do without your continued support.

P.P.S. (I know, it's like I'm unable to write a short post, sorry...) I finally have my first counseling appointment this afternoon, with some new guy. Wish me luck! :S 

Edit: So, obviously, because I wasn't feeling crappy today, the Universe decides to punish me: I sneezed in class and this somehow made the button on my jeans break. No one noticed, but now I'm left feeling like a fucking fatass and I can't fix them and I've asked Dan to bring me a safety pin, but I'm so embarrassed. I mean, I've had these jeans for a while and they've always fit fine and I'm actually getting thinner so wtf?? I'm just so humiliated...

Insomnia, old friend

Insomnia. Welcome back. I am grateful that I have you to curl up against at 5am. I am grateful for the mediocre two hours of sleep that you gave me tonight. And I am grateful for the crappy day that lies ahead. Thanks, hun.

All my love,

Lena xx

Advice/thoughts please?

Just a quick post to say that my ex-roommate/friend/whatever was a no-show last night so I stressed out for nothing. Except, what pisses me off, is that she went and told people that she didn't think she should come if I was maybe gonna be there. So then it came out that we aren't friends anymore (or whatever this stupid situation is). I mean, I have made it a point to keep this away from all of our mutual friends because a) I don't like to air my dirty laundry in public, b) I thought it'd be more respectful to her and to our obliterated friendship, c) I don't want any of our friends to feel awkward/like they have to take sides or whatever, and d) it serves absolutely no purpose to say anything to anyone. So she went and told the guy who's birthday it was, when I had coffee with this guy a few weeks ago for a couple of hours and said nothing to him. Not only do I find it totally inappropriate to make someone's birthday somehow about you, but on top of it he was a bit hurt because I didn't say anything (yeah, he's sensitive like that). Plus, she comes across as the martyr who is sacrificing so much because of me. But I never asked her to steer clear of me and I was gonna play nice. AND THIS WASN'T ABOUT HER, IT WAS ABOUT THIS GUY'S BIRTHDAY. And I know that she just didn't feel like going, so this gave her the perfect out. It really makes me fume that she would use me and our problems like that. GAHH.

*deep breath*

Anyways. I know that this is all petty and everything. I know. But I feel like I should say something to her about how infantile she is being. What do you guys think, yay or nay? Do I say something or just let it go? I really suck at letting go... (I'm actually hoping for advice on this one because my "real life friends" are tired of hearing me talk about these things.)

In other news, my Saturday was super productive (woot!) and I've lost 5lbs in 10 days (woot woot!). This is without heavy restricting or anything, no binges, eating pretty freaking clean (knock on wood). Do you believe me when I say that I actually leaped into the air when I saw the number? Oh, it's the little things, isn't it? :p

Hope you're having a great weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

Swimming through the madness

Do you ever have this insane hope that someday the madness will stop and that you will just be happy again? Truly happy, like you were as a child, like you were before you started hating yourself and before you started just going through the motions? I do. I long for that day when I'll wake up and realize how beautiful the world is. Has the world ever actually seemed beautiful and lovely to me? Have I ever been truly happy, even as a child? Not sure. But I do remember the days when I used to be an idealist and I used to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that would be enough to get back.

This week has been sort of up and down. Managed to get to school Monday through Wednesday and yesterday afternoon, but not yesterday morning or this morning (no class this afternoon anyways). I also had that first session of that college-level class that I TA on Wednesday; we actually held the interviews, t'was a long and slightly painful process,  but I do think that I will enjoy it much more this year, mostly because I feel more confident in my capabilities and I'm not constantly fighting the urge to hurt myself.

That's the biggest difference this year, I guess; I feel more serene. I attend understand what's happening in (most of my) classes, I'm not falling (too far) behind, I am participating in the Small Group sessions, I actually do not do too badly on the quizzes, I'm going running on a semi-regular basis... I also haven't had a "real" binge in the longest time (knock on wood) and have been eating pretty damn clean if you ask me (this will surely change as soon as my period comes along). Things are looking up a bit. Of course, the bad is still there: I throw up at least once a day, I'm still obsessing over food and calories and food groups, I cancelled my counseling appointment on Tuesday and today because I just don't feel brave enough to face it yet, I still have nightmares and flashbacks, sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack in the middle of class and will have to run away, I only see a select few friends because the others just seem "too much"... But I'm getting there, right? Slowly but surely, I suppose. Doing my best, I guess that's all that anyone can ask for...

Tonight is going to be a bit of a challenge, because I was invited to this dinner for a friend's birthday. The thing is, he's the only person I'll know there, besides my ex-roommate. I haven't seen her since... well... Almost 2 months? I still think about her everyday, I still have dreams about her, I still find myself wanting to turn to her... But she isn't here anymore. And she hurt me so deeply. So she will be there tonight, and I'm terrified of seeing her again. Which is why I've asked Dan to come along, if only so that he can squeeze my hand under the table and make me feel a little bit safer. We'll see if that works out. Honestly, I just want to bail, say that I'm too tired to go, whatever, but this guy is super nice and I know that it would hurt him if I didn't show up... The guilt card always works on me, that's for sure. Anyways, I'm doing everything I can to make this go well: I've already looked up the menu and picked what I'll eat, I've picked what I'll wear and my makeup and all that, I've made plans with Dan who's never come this far across the city to see me (I usually go to him, lazy butt :p)... I've thought of my strategy regarding my ex-closest friend: I think I'll just play it really cool and collected, seem super happy and content, like everything in my life has fallen into place. I won't be bitter or resentful or call her out on her bullshit, I'll just sit there with a smile like she's a vague acquaintance that I haven't seen in a long time. Polite, but distant. God, I know that I'm rambling, this is just really stressing me out...

Some of you have been wondering about Dan and I promise that I'll update you on that whole situation asap. I just feel as though that will have to be a separate post to kind of give a bit of context and all that. So please forgive the confusion for now :)

Anyways, wish me luck for tonight! And I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

One-way mirror

Do you ever feel as though you're looking through a one-way mirror? As though you can see everyone, everything, and what they're all about, but no one can truly see you? I spend a lot of time feeling this way. Without meaning to sound conceited or arrogant, I feel as though I have this ability to read people and to see through them so easily. It is my hope that this will allow me to be a good doctor. But it also leaves me feeling very far away from people, because they are never able to read me quite as well. It's a lonely place, where your thoughts and feelings are so foreign to others that there is simply no way that they would ever be able to comprehend them. You have to filter them out and offer only what people can tolerate, because the rest is just too overwhelming or incomprehensible. Meanwhile, you are able to perfectly understand all that they are living and feeling and experiencing. Does that make any sense?

In other news, the vomiting has gotten worse. Now it isn't just when I feel sick, but it's back to being about the scale. Well, who am I kidding, we all know that it's about so much more than simply losing weight. If asked to psychoanalyze myself, I'd say that it's because I'm trying to have some sense of control, and this gives it to me. Staying in control of my school work, of my schedule, my routine are all proving to be challenges. But I can control this. So I do. (What's the point of seeing a shrink if I already know all these things?)

My first shrink (counselor) appointment since Singapore has been scheduled for this coming Tuesday. The anticipation may very well give me more anxiety than the "therapy" (or whatever) actually removes or eliminates, but I said that I'd give it a (fourth? fifth?) shot, so I will. Not looking forward to it though. If anything, this will be one more shrink that I can break down. It's all a bit unfortunate, really.

So, all in all, the mask is back on, the cracks have been sanded over, no one is the wiser. My pain is nicely tucked away, I'm being friendly with my parents, talkative even, I'm having daily lunches with one of my friends, I'm speaking up in Small Groups at school, I'm attending lectures. Looks like I'm holding it together. I'm getting out of bed (on most days), hanging out with Dan (yes, he's back in the picture), resisting the urge to sleep all the time. I haven't cut since before Singapore, haven't tried to hurt myself since then either. Who knows how long this will all last, but so far so good, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

All my love,

Lena

Sharing the secret

I just watched this movie, Sharing the secret. Some of you probably know of it, it's about a 14 year old girl with bulimia. It's a bit triggering, so I don't especially suggest watching it if you aren't in an entirely good place, and it's also a bit naive in certain respects, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I especially liked it when, towards the end, the girl wonders how, after talking about such deep and difficult things, she can go back to the "real world", where all anyone cares about are boys and makeup. It made me think of this community, where we expose all of our pain and then have to somehow go back to the real world. I especially felt this way coming back to "normality" after all I had experienced, before, during and immediately after my hospitalization.

On the plane back from Singapore over a month ago, I also watched Side effects. This was an equally slightly triggering movie, especially so close to my recent overdose. The first half is best (the second falls a bit flat), and I found that it depicted pain in a way that makes a lot of sense to me.

Now, I am back home, with my parents. School began once again last Tuesday. Already overwhelmed, I'm just trying to stay afloat and to live day-by-day. The schedule is grueling and, when I arrive home, I am typically exhausted and just barely have the energy to prepare for the next day before going to bed and having it all begin again. There has been drama in my house, and I am going to move in with my Nonna. The main reason I haven't yet is a bit difficult to explain; when I am with her, it's like we can each see the extent of our own pain reflected back at us through the other's eyes. I don't know if I am strong or brave enough to face that yet.

I am no longer living with or speaking to my old roommate. The story is a long and painful one for me, which I can't even imagine trying to explain in a blog post. I am probably wrong or overreacting, but to me it feels as though her betrayal has cut me so deeply. But that's not the worst, to me, I don't think; the worst is that I was willing to remain her friend if she reached out to me, but she didn't. She decided to let me fall and has made a point of no longer speaking to me. Which is ironic, I suppose, since she's the one who has destroyed me.

So I spend everyday trying to remain close to the few other friends that I have left, trying to stay strong, trying to make it through, one day at a time. No one quite understands, which leaves me alone with myself, especially at night. When my mind and body finally relax, I am filled with old regrets, pain, grief for my lost friend and my lost Nonno, flashbacks from the horrible reality of when I was in the hospital... The rest of the time, it's like none of it ever happened; but, at the darkest hour, my brain enjoys looping it all together and putting it on replay, making me watch the movie over and over again. 

This all sounds very dark and scary, but that's mostly what happens at night. In the day, I am focused on my 7 to 8 daily hours of  class, lunch with one of my three friends, then getting home, preparing for the next day, and going to bed. Calorie counting has re-become a habit, but I haven't vomited in about a week, which is good. I've cut myself off of my medication as it was leading to terrible binges, and that seems to have helped greatly in building more stable eating habits, as eating too much always left me nauseated. It wasn't even that I necessarily wanted to throw up, more that I had to rush to the bathroom to do so.  The medication was also causing worse nights, many dreams and nightmares, and drowsiness in the morning. I feel a bit better now that I've stopped taking it.

I've also been trying not to be as isolated, at school and with my old friends. Trying to attend all my classes is a challenge, but I am attending most, which is already such a big improvement compared to last semester. I'm sorry that I haven't been as present in this community over the last few months; I've been making a point of reading all your blogs diligently, but I simply have not felt able to comment or to post. It is impossible for me to explain what happened in Singapore. It is impossible for me to explain what it was like to try to die. But thank you so much for all your kind and supportive comments during this difficult time, they have really meant a lot.

All my love,

Lena