Sunday, April 28, 2013

About 12 hours after I took my sleeping medication, I am still not asleep. It is 8am, and I have simply not slept at all. Just. Great.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A lesson in self-medication

Three shots of vodka and a beer. Alone in my apartment. Throwing up whatever I eat. Maybe I shouldn't eat. Easier said than done. A study day entirely wasted. Staring into space. Battling the thoughts in my head. Battling the urge to die. Every time I don't kill myself seems like a success to people. To me, it seems like weakness. While I'm doing that, I can't concentrate. Can't work, can't study. Drinking to feel. If only that burn as the alcohol rushes down. Sometimes you need the pain to know that you're still alive. Most of the time, I can't tell anymore. I'm like a child, folded onto herself on the bed. I just want someone to hold and protect me. But I made sure that no one ever did. So now I'm alone. Self-medicating much? I think so.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Green Coffee Beans

Thanks for your kind comments on my last post. I didn't just mope around all day, thank God. Things have been pretty rocky in the last couple of days. I've been doing strength workouts every day, alternating full-body and ab workouts, so I'm glad that at least that makes me feel sort of productive. I've also been doing a lot of walking, to and from school, and my intakes have been acceptable (not great, but ok), so my nets are alright. Also, after about a month and half hiatus, I managed to go for a run yesterday. It was short, but I ran a lot faster than I thought I would, so it pumped me up afterwards, though I did get that pelvic pain that I have yet to get checked out. In the morning, I had a meeting with that doctor that the Associate Dean mandated me to meet. She was very nice, she told me that it was best to cancel my refereeing course this weekend, which was a difficult decision for me because I've needed this badge for years and I know that I'm letting a lot of people down. She commended me for leaving my toxic home and moving out. I cried a bit which is because I'm exhausted and hormonal, but was very embarrassing. I never cry, especially not in front of people. I don't know what's wrong with me; when I want to cry, in the privacy of my room, I'm too ashamed, but, in front of a stranger, I well up. Stupid. She was very shrink-y, but also very understanding. It's so hard for me to admit that I'm not doing well. Like, so hard. I am mean to myself, I am impatient with myself, I hurt and punish myself. I cannot forgive any failure on my part. She was nice, giving me an out if I feel unable to write the Unit 6 final next week, and telling me that, if I think I will fail, I shouldn't write it, because it will tarnish my academic record.

Anyways. After the meeting, I had a mandatory activity at school, but I felt so sick that, as soon as I got there, I went to throw up. So I did that, then went to the lecture, carefully avoiding sitting next to that guy that I had/have a mini crush on. I went to the activity, did it well, came home. It was so nice out that I wanted to go for a run, so I made myself do all my reading first, then ran and did my ab workout. Wanting to cook, I made a cream of asparagus and mushroom. That's when I started feeling down. My roommate came home, I snapped at her, had to shower and leave in a hurry for a meeting at work, where I had one beer that immediately brought me even more down. I just wanted to come home and get drunk and cry. I didn't though. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed. So now I've decided to go on another cooking marathon, if only to keep my mind off wanting to drink so that I can cry. Recipes for a cream of leek and potato, a lentil curry, and creamy asparagus pasta are all lined up. I might make myself go for a run later. I had so much work to do today, but I just don't feel up to it.

The truth is, I'm terribly lonely. I miss Dan. I miss having someone to hold me, some warm presence. I want to text him, but my roommate's keeping me in check. To be honest, I don't even think that it's him that I miss as much as just someone. My friends are all in exams and I haven't spoken to most of them in weeks. I feel so isolated, so lost, so alone in my head with my racing thoughts. I'm tired of the constant battle. I'm trying to hold on to the positive things in my life, like that I'm getting back into exercising and I haven't binged in a while. So far, this week, all my intakes have been under 1500cal, always with a net under 900. I also got some green coffee bean pills at work, with svetol. I'm taking 400mg before each "meal" (that's the difficult part; what's a meal, exactly?). I've only been taking them for 2 days, so I obviously have no idea whether they're working or not, and I won't be able to weigh myself for a couple of weeks. Have any of you tried them or do you know of anyone who has? We'll see, I guess. 

I'm just tired.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Change of plans

Ok, so, my plan for this week has been majorly ruined for a number of reasons. 1) Apparently I had an essay thing to write and hand in yesterday, so I didn't get to do anything I had planned for yesterday. 2)This lead me to decide not to go to class today. 3) Apparently I have a mandatory activity tomorrow afternoon, which completely changes my plans for tomorrow as well. 4) I have this report to submit for that UN thing that I did, which I had completely forgotten to consider while making my plan. Gaaaah. Do any of you get like this when your plans get ruined? I just feel like hiding out in my bed for the entire day because I have no direction anymore. Does that make any sense? I suppose that I'll have to make a new plan for the week and try to stick to this new one as well as I can. Sigh. On a more positive note, I managed to keep my intake yesterday at 897cal, and I burned 872 walking to and from work and school, as well as working a four-hour shift. I also did a whole-body workout on Sunday and an ab-workout last night. It's depressing how out of shape I've gotten, but oh well, I guess that I have to start somewhere. It's also hard to exercise since I've been tachycardic (heart rate over 100 beats per minute) since getting bronchitis, so just a simple exercise sends my heart rate through the roof, which I'm really note used to (I'm usually mildly bradycardic because of all the running I (used to) do, so I'm usually in the high 50's). I don't think that I'll be able to manage a fasting day today, finally, since I'm home and that just makes me want to eat, but I'll most certainly try to be reasonable with my intake (read: no binging!). Anyways, I hope your week has been off to a good start! xx

P.S. Just a note to Bella: some lady at work last night decided that it was appropriate to tell how "a young lady like you shouldn't have nails like that, it's so unattractive, it's really not appropriate" blah blah blah. All I could think was 1)why is this any of your business? and 2)is it appropriate for a young lady like me to have scars of mean words up and down her legs? Ha. Anyways, just thought you might be able to relate.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Plans and lullabies

Do you ever sing lullabies to yourself? I catch myself doing it a lot, suddenly just singing softly to myself. It's the only thing that saves me, sometimes. Saves me from myself. I comfort myself out loud, to try to feel less alone. Maybe, if I sing to myself and if I tell myself that everything will be ok, it'll come true. Like a prayer. 

I used to pray. I used to try to find one positive thing about my day and thank God for it. I also used to bargain with God too; please, if you save this person, I will do this for you. It worked, until it didn't. Now, yesterday, I caught myself praying to die. I know that that goes against the whole idea, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't even aware of it at first. 

So I guess that I could say that this week has been up and down. It's worse at night. Darkness settles down, and it brings out this melancholia that washes over and overwhelms me. That's when I realize how truly alone I am. That's when I realize how truly finished I am.

I often get this feeling of impending doom, as well. Yesterday was one of those days. Days where I feel as though I am bound to die any second, minute, hour, day. It was dumb of me to do the groceries on that sort of day, because it made me feel the need to buy tons of food in case I die and my roommate is all alone. And then it made me eat so much food, because I have this feeling that it will all be gone soon. Maybe it's because of all the cycling between fasting, restricting and over-eating. Maybe it cause me to always wonder whether there will be food in the future. But it seems a bit more profound than that, as though my body thinks that it is dying. Well, we are all dying, right? So maybe my body and mind just become hyper-aware of that fact at times. I don't know.

All I know is that, yesterday, I had to sing softly to myself to make sure that I was still alive. And I ate and ate. Today I threw up. It just never ends, goes on and on. Until I die, I suppose. Part of me always wishes that it would happen sooner than later; at least I would get some relief. 

I have a meeting on Wednesday morning with a doctor from the Faculty of Medicine. She is more-or-less directly affiliated with the Faculty, and acts more as an almost-shrink for students in need. The Associate Dean of Medicine "mandated" me to see her, so I don't have much of a choice, but I think that it might be helpful somehow. The problem is that I'm so tired of talking to people.

I also have an appointment with my counselor on Friday. I think that I will ask him to allow me to see someone else, maybe someone with a bit more experience. He is leaving in June, anyways, so I will have to find someone new regardless, but I think that I need more than what he can offer me right now.

My exam is in two weeks, and I'm not exactly close to being ready. I don't know whether I should differ this Unit to August to save me the embarrassment of failing. I suppose that I'll discuss it with the doctor on Wednesday. 

In the meantime, I have made a plan for the week. If you don't mind, I will post it here to make me a bit more accountable. I don't know if I will be able to follow it exactly, but I will most certainly do my best. I am also trying to integrate some workouts in there, to ease myself back into it, especially since I haven't been running in ages (I still have bronchitis) and I'm missing my two first soccer practices of the season because I have to work. Next weekend, I have two full days of refereeing courses, to get a stupid badge that I should have gotten ages ago. It is going to be ridiculous and long and pointless, but I have to do it if I want to maintain the level that I've been at for this coming summer.

Sunday: -make a plan for the week (done)
              - prepare Small Group 5
              - read notes for two lectures (1/2 done)
              - workout
Monday:- go to Small Group 5 (8:30-10:30)
              -  listen to 4 missed lectures
              - work (4pm-8pm)
              - 900cal max
Tuesday:- go to a full day of school (8:30am-4:30pm, 3 lectures, 2 labs) (this might not happen, realistically)
              - work (5pm-8pm)
              - workout
              - fasting day
Wednesday: - meeting with the doctor (10am)
                    - go to 1 lecture (10:30-11:30)
                    - listen to 4 missed lectures
                    - work meeting (8pm-9:30pm)
                    - 900cal max
Thursday: - go to 2 morning lectures (8:30-11:30)
                 - read notes for 3 lectures
                 - listen to 4 missed lectures
                 - prepare Small Group 6
                 - workout
                 - 900cal max
Friday: - go to Small Group 6 (8:30-10:30)
            - go to 2.5 classes (10:30-2)
            - counselor appointment (2-3)
            - work (5:30pm-9pm)
            - go back to my parents' place
            - workout
            - prepare for refereeing course
            - fasting day
Saturday: - ref course (9am-5pm)
               - read notes for 2 lectures
Sunday: -ref course (9am-5pm)
             -prepare Small Group 7
             - go back to apartment

That's the plan. It will be an insane week. Either I'll survive, or I'll die. We'll see.

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my picture-post. It is really appreciated, so flattering to receive all your love :)
Hope your week shapes up better than mine will!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Just because

I don't have much time to write, but I wanted to post a picture of myself, just because I guess I find it weird that you all know sides of me that no one else does, but you have no idea what I look like, haha... This is somewhat of an old pic, but not much has changed, I promise :) I'm a bit shy about it, but oh well... :s This is me at the United Nations.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Warning: this will definitely be a long post.

First off, thank you for your kind comments on my last few posts. As you know, I have been feeling seriously unwell. Dan left me a few days ago; it was a weird sort of breakup, I cannot begin to explain it. It was also very long, lasting a few hours. When he saw my leg last Wednesday, I think he just finally realized how much pain I am in, and he does not feel that he can make me better. Which, in all fairness, he can't. But I never asked him to either. Regardless, I know that it wasn't fair of me to be with him anyways. I realized a long time ago that I would never be "in love" with him and that we aren't right for each other. But I needed him; not because I needed him specifically, but because I needed someone to hold me and he is one of the few people that I actually talk to on a regular basis. In fact, now that he's out of my life, there is pretty much only my roommate left. So many people have pulled back and I have pushed so many others away, because I simply cannot be the person that I used to be. I used to be fantastic, high-functioning, the best at everything. But I also used to be everyone's mother. You know how they say that everyone needs that "3am friend", the one that you can call no matter what at 3am and they'll be there for you? Well, I was everyone's 3am friend. I was always saving everyone. But, now, I'm just trying to save myself. People tend to pull away in that case, because you're not helpful to them anymore. So I don't have very many people left. 

It's ok, though; I'm feeling quite a bit better now, I think. I have made a plan this week to ease myself into going back to school. I have planned objectives for every day. Nothing very fancy or difficult, but just to get me back into being a functional human being. And I'm feeling more confident that I can do that. This Unit, number 6, is a difficult one on the nervous system, and now the final is worth more for me (60% written exam, 30% labs, all on one day, May 3rd) since I had the midterm exam deferred. So that's 90% of this Unit playing out on one day. Which is huge. But I am just going to do my best. I got an email yesterday from the Associate Dean of Medicine, the one with whom I met a few months ago when I had the other midterm deferred. It was somewhat of a warning that the Med program is only going to get more difficult from here on, and its objective was to "mandate" me to see the doctor responsible for student affairs. I have emailed her to schedule an appointment, so hopefully I can straighten some things out with her. In spite of my many absences and personal difficulties, the Dean noted that I am still "an average student", which obviously made me cringe, as I have never before in my life been "average". But at least I am not "in difficulty". And, honestly, with the way that this year has gone, I believe that it is a testament to my quality intelligence that I am capable of maintaining "average grades" in spite of everything. I am very hard on myself, but I'm trying not to be as much. I think I need to be more fair.

Dan came by the apartment today to drop off some books that he had forgotten he had borrowed. My roommate didn't want me to see him, so she answered the door. He's been texting her to ask how I'm doing, and he whispered the question to her twice when she went to the door. She didn't answer. She tells me that it's none of his business, how I'm doing, that he relinquished the right to know when he broke up with me. Fair enough. I know that he's just worried that I'm hurting myself because of it. Honestly, this breakup isn't the thing that will push me off the edge. I think I was using him a lot just so that I could feel less alone. But, honestly, we had almost nothing in common, argued all the time, and didn't understand each other. He doesn't have much ambition, and I always aim for the top. He isn't going anywhere, but I want to live. I have always been this way and now, just because I'm not doing so well, doesn't mean that I have given up on all my aspirations. It will just be a bit lonely with only my roommate to talk to. But I'll be ok.

I also had an appointment with my shrink on Friday. Apparently there has been some sort of mix up in the scheduling, so I won't be seeing him this week. I have to say, though, that he has never helped me thus far, and, on Friday, he told me that I was "too far gone" for CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and for "tools" (as I call them), so that we should just talk. I'm tired of talking. I need help now. I need tricks and tips and ways to make things easier for me. So I think that I've outgrown him. On Friday, he spent the last 5 to 7 minutes of the session just bringing me down, and I left with my head bowed, feeling worse than ever. I don't want or need that. My roommate has started the search for a new shrink for me, and I just may ask to see a senior one at the counseling office at school (the one I see is a student). 

On Monday, I went to class for the first time in ages. I had a mandatory activity in the morning, which I always go to regardless, and then I went to my first lecture in weeks. I only went in for the morning, which was a huge struggle in and of itself, as it involved almost everything that gives me anxiety about school, but I made it. I woke up, had half a grapefruit, fixed my hair, put on makeup, and got dressed. I talked to people and socialized and payed attention in class. I did what I am supposed to do. It was hard, I had a mini panic attack in class, I had to lie down when I got home, but I did it. I'm also working four nights this week, which is a lot, so I have planned things accordingly, to try and keep it together. I'm doing my best. That's all that I can do anyways. 

I want to get better, I want to feel better. I want to go back to the way I was before, but maybe I won't be able to. I mean, I have a lot of issues now and I'm carrying around a lot of pain. I have also planned out calories for this week; I'm no longer counting exercise (anyways, I haven't been able to run in ages because I still have bronchitis), just considering what goes in. I have set a maximum of 900 calories per day, which I think makes sense, everything included. So no freebies. My cap total is at 1000, and let's say I'm really starving on a shift at work, I can munch a bit. After all the throwing up that I've been doing in the last few weeks, I think my body needs a break. I also plan on putting my fun and flirty mask back on, since I had used having a boyfriend as an excuse to let myself go and close off. I've never been very good with boys, but I'm getting there. I'm also less shy than I used to be, for a lot of reason, not the least of which is cashiering. Really forces you to come out of your shell. I don't think that I want anything serious to come out of it right now; I just want to have fun. I just want to relax.

I know that this has been a terribly long post and that it hasn't had much structure to it at all, but I think that I wanted to get a lot of things out there. I know that I'm not happy and that I may honestly never really be, but I'm ok with that. I've come to terms with it, I think. I just want to get back to doing things well. I used to do things perfectly, but I think that now I'll settle for well. I'm just trying to get my life back under control, whatever that means.

Love you girls, and thanks again for all the love and support that you have shown me.

P.S. I didn't go to class today, but I will be going tomorrow all day (I have a mandatory activity in the morning) and then I'm working in the evening. Friday as well, I plan on going for (almost) the entire day, as I have a mandatory appointment with a guidance counselor at 2:30. I'm working Friday evening as well. Today, I did some cooking/experimenting; I made a turnip and apple crumble (really yummy, actually, and very easy to make), and a sort of layered fish casserole (it was supposed to be chicken) with taro root, sweet potato, spinach and coconut milk. It was fun to make, I just hope that it will be tasty. I also did some reading today and still have more to do; my objective is to be all caught up by Sunday night, which is doable, as long as I stick to my objectives. Then, I'll just have to stay on top of things and I'll have just under two weeks to prepare for this major final.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

My own cinema

What can I do
If I don't feel
At all?

Hollow emptiness
Old friend
Filling my chest
Pressing down

I can't breathe.

What am I supposed to do?
Where do I go now?
Old friends forsaken
New ones gone

Black and white images
In my mind
Replaying old scenes
Over and over 

Relentless hollowness
Replacing what should be pain
There is no pain
There is nothing

I have nothing left

Creating my own cinema
A new scenario
In my mind
Of ways to die
My very own
Happy ending

Circling thoughts

How do you escape
When they are all that you are
And all that you have left?
How do you evade
The only thing you truly want?
My wants are selfish.

When can I wave
My own white flag
And make it all

There is no rest.

There is no reprieve.

There is no relief.

The shallow ache
Will never go away.
Dan just broke up with me. The end.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

"Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

"I'm not gonna lose you
'Cause the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep you alive

Today marks the birthday of a boy I used to see.

"I can remember the very first time I cried."

He would have been 24.

"How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside."

In five days, it will be the two-year anniversary of his death.

"Do you even know who you are? I guess I'm trying to find."

He killed himself five days after his twenty-second birthday.

"A borrowed dream or a fallen star? I want to be a star."

He suffocated himself with a plastic bag over his head.

"Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell anymore."

Apparently, it takes a lot of strength to do that.

"Constantly pushing the world I know aside."

Two days ago, I went in for an emergency appointment with a counsellor at school.

"I don't even feel the pain. I don't even want to try."

On a depression test, even though I lied, I scored a 78 on a possible 100.

"I'm looking for a way to become the person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen."

Classifying me as suffering from "extreme depression". 

"And you don't know how long you're gonna last."

The doctor said that I couldn't possibly write an exam while being "extremely depressed".

"Like you're trying to scream under water."

So he wrote me a deferral.

"Like you decided that the fight was over for you."

I asked the bf to come over.

"Everyone you know is trying to smooth it over, find a way to make the hurt go away."

He didn't understand anything.

"I'm terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me."

And left me feeling emptier than ever.

"And I don't need a pill to make me numb."

Yesterday, I decided to get drunk.

"And I wrote the book on running, but that chapter of my life will soon be over."

I hardly ever drink, because it hurts too much.

"When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

But, yesterday, I decided that I needed to feel something.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming."


"When everything feels like the movies."

So I played sad music and poured drink after drink and did some cooking.

"Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

I didn't eat anything, just drank and cooked and sang.

"And I can picture it after all these days."

I cut my thumb again by accident.

"And I know it's long gone."

I cried, finally.

"And I might be ok, but I'm not fine at all."

More than I have cried in months.

"I remember it all too well."

I'm not able to cry anymore.

"Sais-tu au moins que tu m'as fait croire qu'il est est encore possible d'être heureux?" (Do you know that at least you made me believe that it is still possible to be happy?)

But, yesterday, I did.

"And there was nothing else I could do."

Big sobbing pain pouring out of my body.

"But I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to."

I sang and cried.

"Maybe we got lost in translation."

And had to fold myself in half from the shear pain of everything.

"Maybe I asked for too much."

I curled up in fetal position on the kitchen floor and just wept. 

"But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up."

I don't even have a reason for all this pain.

"Just to break me like a promise."

I told my roommate to give me her pain, because she doesn't deserve it.

"I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here."

I deserve this.

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it."

I went upstairs and carved "I HATE YOU" into my other calf.

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."

Watched the blood pearl beautifully again.

"Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known."

Then kept singing and cooking.

"Ce soir, ne m'oublie pas." (Tonight, don't forget me.)

I told the bf that I really needed him the night before.

"J'ai voulu prendre le plus grand risque." (I wanted to take the biggest risk.)

He didn't understand what I meant.

"Un soir qui m'a rendue bien triste." (A night that made me very sad.)

He yelled at me on the phone.

"Moi, je suis moins forte que les autres." (I am less strong than the others.)

Then he spoke to my roommate who told him that I was broken.

"Mais j'espère tant te manquer." (But how I wish that you will miss me.)

And then he came over again.

"J'ai la tête remplie de bibites." (My head is full of monsters.

Being with him doesn't make me feel better.

"J'aimerais ça pouvoir me retrouver." (I would love to find myself again.)

He saw my leg.

"So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep."

I asked him if he had seen a ghost.

"Faut aussi savoir s'en aller." (You also have to know how to leave.)

That's what his face looked like.

"I never thought we'd have a last kiss."

He was that scared.

"Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

I am just broken.

"I need your grace."

I can't even cry unless I drink.

"So why did you go away?"

I can't even feel unless I drink.

"But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes."

My soul is torn apart.

"All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss."

I am just broken.

"Take these broken wings and learn to fly."

Tuesday, April 09, 2013


These are the letters that I just etched  into the inside of my calf. Over the scars left from "BITCH" and "FUCK U". I'm not writing here for pity or attention or whatever; I always feel like that, like an angtsy teenager. I'm not. I'm just trying to put my thoughts down, even though I'm completely disconnected from this. This is a dream, right? It wasn't done in a fit of emotion, I didn't even cry. I tried writing it in red pen, digging hard into the skin. Then I sat in my bed for over an hour fighting with myself. I called my clinic and left a message asking for an urgent appointment for tomorrow. Then I went to the bathroom and threw up for the fourth time today and the seventh time in two days. I took an old razor and used a nail file to prop out a blade. I've never used a razor blade before, only knives and an exacto blade. I washed the dirty blade and washed the pen ink off my calf. Then I went back to my room, peeled off my leggings, and etched in the letters. The blood pearled beautifully. Now I know why people use razor blades. So much less of a fight than knives. The razor blade wants to cut you. The blood pearled in big drops. Once I was done, I placed a kleenex over the blood so that it could seep through and imprint the word onto the tissue. I did that with three tissues, and then wiped the rest with a damp wash cloth. It didn't even hurt for a while and, even then, just a dull throb. I didn't cry. I can't cry anymore. Then I called the counselling service at my school and left a terribly incoherent and embarrassing message asking for an urgent appointment tomorrow, with my shrink or another one, in case I don't get to see my doctor. Because I won't be able to write my exam on Wednesday, I don't think. That's right, pathetic cop-out Lena is looking for a way out again. I can't do it. I can't study when I'm fighting the urge to down my entire bottle of Remeron. I would do it if only I didn't know that it won't kill me and will therefore be a waste of about 40$. Pathetic, right? Too cheap to try to off myself. Wow. More scars on my calf. More lies to tell the bf. And my laser woman. I  don't care. Seeing the blood on the kleenex is somehow a form of twisted release. And the scars, a constant reminder of my weakness, have a purpose to serve as well.  It's like I was outside, watching someone else do this. And now I'm watching someone else try not to kill herself. I'm sick, aren't I? I went over the lines again and again, making sure they were perfect. Another advantage of the razor blade: much more precise, much straighter lines.I can't take the pills anyways because my roommate isn't feeling well and it will upset her greatly to find me like that. Ok. Good. A reason to stay alive. That's always a plus. Right?

Sunday, April 07, 2013

April showers

Things have not been going well. I have once again found solace with my old friends food and throwing up. No calorie-counting, just eating to excess and vomiting (not enough). I am walking that fine line right at the edge of a nervous breakdown. My class-absences have now reached something like 7 weeks straight of no-attendance (I'm starting to lose count). New York tore out the last strength and will that I had. And April is a bad month for me. Too many memories, too much pain. It marks the 2-year anniversary of this mess that has now become my reality. My thoughts are spinning and flying wildly, my "ping-pong balls" as I call them, random things coming to the front of my mind and running wild until others take their place. There is no quiet, there is no comfort. It is just a go-go-go of racing in my head and in my life. Nothing is controlled, nothing is as it should be. It is just a messy sketch, crazy lines drawn with a shaky hand trying to trace what this was meant to be. Half-assed attempts to squeeze 3 weeks-worth of unattended class into my brain in one weekend. Because there is yet another exam that awaits on Wednesday. There is no respite; spring breaks do not exist in med and the year doesn't end for another 11 weeks. Must keep going, must stay afloat. Treading water for 10 months is more than challenging, and I am starting to choke. Had to take my Nonno to the hospital on Monday; call work, switch shifts, sure, I'll take a 7-hour one on Friday to compensate, yes, I'm terribly sorry. Tuesday, a clinic visit for me; either bronchitis or pneumonia, go for a chest X-ray on Wednesday. Patient simulation. Boyfriend needs to see me. Work work work. Cancel shrink appointment, have to work. Cancel soccer game, can't play if I'm coughing and wheezing. No running in this state. When was my last run again? Go go go. Can't sleep with this cough, nap instead of going to class, then off to work. Whirlwind of thoughts and actions, but no real thinking. Just go. Keep pushing. Can't concentrate? You're a stupid fat lazy bitch. PMS-binges? God, you disgust me. You were better off when you were throwing up. That's it, it's so easy, you remember how. Bow before the porcelain thrown. Of course you feel sick, you fat bitch, look at all the shit you ate. That's right, look at it. Ah, the comfort in throwing up. So safe. Calls from Nonna, from Aunty. Smile, fake a cheery voice, of course school is great, I love it so much, lots of work but so worth it, of course I'm eating, of course I'm sleeping, of course I'm happy and successful and perfect. Lie lie lie. Texts from old friends that I've pushed away, yeah, doing great, oh of course I can solve your problems. Plaster a smile on at work. You love my ethic, my timeliness, my hard work? Blush, smile, thanks. Of course, you stupid bitch, you would be perfect at a job that demands an IQ of 2. Congratulations, retard. No more, please, no more. Just let me fall asleep and never wake up. Just let me slip away. I won't make a sound, I won't be a bother, just let me go. Please.