Chaos.

I am officially losing it. Like, at work, trying not to have a panic attack. Yesterday was pretty much just one giant disaster/failure. Let's just not even talk about food. People brought tons of sweets and drinks and food and just shoved it all down my throat. I couldn't even say no, they were literally putting it in my face. So I don't want to talk about it. It was terrible.

My roommate, a friend and I spent the entire afternoon cleaning and painting so that, by 7pm, 30 minutes before people were to show up, I was an exhausted mess. My boyfriend surprised me by coming back early from his parents' just for the party. I hadn't seen him in about 2 weeks, so it was really nice that he came. Quite a few people showed up, the apartment was so crowded. I was really anxious, trying to get people to mingle as there were friends from many different circle. I was finally just starting to relax when the ceiling on our first floor started leaking water like crazy. We went to our second floor only to find that someone had clogged the toilet, hadn't told us, and the bowl was overflowing everywhere. There were a good 2 inches of water on the bathroom floor and it was flooding everything downstairs. It was a total disaster. After we shut the valve and cleaned everything up, my roommate and I just locked ourselves in a room and had a meltdown. After the meltdown we made a plan to deal with everything the next day (today). I hate chaos. I hate parties. i hate having people over. I hate everything. 

And, now, my work schedules have come in for both my jobs and I'm starting school on Monday and it's all just a disaster. Like, I don't know when I will get the chances to settle into my apartment. I'll post it here because I need to make lists to keep me from having a panic attack.

• Saturday - work 7h-15h (might change to 7h-23h)
• Sunday - work 7h-15h (might change to 15h-23h and I might have a UN brunch thingy in the morning), soccer 17h (might not go), passion play 19h (might not go)
• Monday - class 8h30-14h30, doc apt 15h15-16h, work 18h-20h
• Tuesday - class 8h30-14h30, job 16h-20h
• Wednesday - class 8h30-14h30, job 16h-20h
• Thursday - class 8h30-15h30, job 18h-20h
• Friday - class 8h30-11h30, job 16h-21h
• Saturday - mom's bday, laser at 18h(?)
• Sunday - might have the UN brunch thingy here instead.

The UN thing is that TA-ing job that I have at my old school. It's normally every Wednesday night but the students only start school on the 16th so it will only start next week But I'm supposed to have a meeting with the other TAs in the near future, and we had said that we would go for lunch. Clearly, this is complicated.

My boyfriend and his roommates also want us to exchange gifts (and my bf also just wants us to hang out just the two of us), but this also seems impossible.

And I have to move in.

So my life is total chaos and I am completely losing it. I don't know how I will ever survive the next week or so. I really don't. 

And, yeah, back to food. Yesterday was so so so so bad. I had chocolate and pizza and beer and chips and fudge and I don't remember what else. It was just terrible. I don't even want to talk about it. And it wasn't even like it was a binge; people just kept giving me food over and over and I just couldn't even say no. The only silver lining is that I didn't throw up. But maybe I should have.

As for today, here is my intake so far:

• Orange juice (110cal)
• 1/2 pink grapefruit (41cal)
• Poached egg (71cal)
• 1 slice whole wheat toast (80cal)

Total: 302cal, minus the fruits equals 151cal on HSGD. Today on the HSGD I'm allowed 950cal. Very much doable, I'm not worried. At least one thing in my life is under control. Jesus. 

Gonna go read your blogs now girlies. I'll update tonight with the details of my intake for the day. God, lists make me feel better. Oh man. 

Gahhh

So this morning started off well and continued badly. I did a proper weigh in and I am 148lbs. Thank God. It's still huge, but less than yesterday when I was at 153 and freaked out. But then, of course, I had to binge. I had a great breakfast and then I just ruined it. I feel so stupid. And so sick. I just want to put up my "back in 5" sign at work and go throw up, I feel so sick. I'm drinking water to try to calm my tummy a bit, but no luck. I wasn't going to write about my binge here because I felt too embarrassed but I've decided that I should if only so that I have to face the consequences. So here's what I ate:

• Orange juice (110cal)
• 2 clementines (56cal)
• Poached egg (71cal)
• Whole wheat toast (80cal)

That was my breakfast, I was doing so well. Is it terrible that I know all these numbers by heart, don't even have to enter them in my calculator? I'm becoming so good at estimating calories, it's scary. So, yeah. That was a total of 316, minus the fruits so just 151 on HSGD. Which was great. But then I went and screwed it up by eating 8 chocolate chip cookies. Not one, not two, EIGHT. Wtf. I'm disgusting. For real. Eight. Jesus. so those alone were 680cal. SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY. What is wrong with me? Sob. So that takes me up to 996 total, minus fruits so 830cal. I'm allowed 1000cal today on HSGD. But I'm supposed to have pizza and beer tonight at the house warming. Sigh. I'm thinking that if I am DYING OF HUNGER, then and only then will I have HALF a piece of veggie pizza tonight. Nothing else. I won't even have any beer because I'm driving back home tonight after the party (because we haven't moved our beds in yet, lame, I know, haha). I might have some fruits this afternoon but, honestly, I feel so sick right now, I don't know why I would want to. God. Such a pig. I was doing so well too. It's ok. It's ok. It'll be ok. Right? I really hope so. And I hope that the party goes ok. Uggh.I suck.

Sorry for the boring post. I feel like we're all feeling kind of crappy today. I'll try to update later on how the party went if I'm not too tired.

Painting painting

Just got home after painting for over 10 hours. We finished the living room, which actually looks amazing, and we're almost done the kitchen. It takes so long, all of this. The building is 100 years old, so everything creaks and is crooked, but we managed to clean it up really nicely and the fresh paint makes it look so much better. It was pretty terrible when we first got it, parts of it seemingly having never ever been cleaned. But we've gone all out; it's our first time living alone, and we really want to make it our home. Plus we're both really anal and perfectionists about certain things, so we want it to be as flawless as possible. Especially since we're having the house warming party tomorrow. I mean, our couch and beds won't be moved in yet, but it will be clean and nicely painted, so it should look pretty good. It's crazy how much work we've put into it. I know that people that hadn't seen it before won't appreciate the difference, but we really can. I'm so nervous about having the party. I don't like parties very much, especially when I'm the hostess. 

In food news, it has been a bit difficult to track the calories today because we ordered Thai food for dinner. I know that I went over the limit for day 3 of HSGD, but according to my calorie counter I burned over 2000cal (almost 3000 in fact, but I don't know how exact this thing is, so I'll round down) painting and cleaning the apartment for 9 hours (we were actually there for over 12 hours and I only sat down for about one hour, but, again, I'd rather under-estimate). But, anyways, I was at 484 this morning, minus the 110 from the juice so 364. Then I had an orange (64cal but free on HSGD), two clementines (56cal, but free), an 80% lindt chocolate bar (180cal) and an alfajor that my boyfriend got me (244cal). So that brought me to 788cal. Then, for dinner, we ordered and I had rice (120cal), veggie red curry (285cal minus about half in vegetables, so 143cal), veggie peanut sauce spinach (the peanut sauce is 120cal, the veggies are free), 1.5 veggie spring rolls (120cal) and coconut tapioca (129cal). So my grand total was 2041cal (a whole lot, but, again, I did tons of work today like non-stop, so I'm not too concerned. I'm not bloated and my muscles are sore, so it's all good). On HSGD my total is 1420, so 520cal over the limit. But, on HSGD, as long as you work off the excess calories during the day, you're good. So, since apparently I burned nearly 6 times that (but let's say 4 just to be safe), I think it's ok. At least, that's how I'm rationalizing it to avoid a panic attack. Today is also the second day in a row that I haven't thrown up. I felt the need to after dinner a bit, but I stopped myself. So that's a small victory, I think.

Anyways, tomorrow will be a long and stressful day. I wish my boyfriend could be at the party, but he's still visiting his friends and family for the Holidays.

Hope you all had a good day (and aren't too discouraged/disgusted by my calorie intake and my rationalization of it).

So I'm on a short 2 hour shift at work before I head over to my apartment to keep painting. I'm so anxious because tomorrow is the house warming party and we still won't be entirely moved in. And I hate having people over. And my boyfriend won't be there. And people aren't confirming. Grrr, I hate it when people don't confirm! And there will be beer and pizza and I don't want to eat pizza and drink beer. And I wanted to be more thin for this in case my sort-of-ex shows up. And I weighed myself this morning even though I knew that I shouldn't because I had just had breakfast and I was fully dressed (winter coat and all) so it was really dumb and could only lead to disappointment. But, of course, I did anyways and I weighed (uggh, SO embarrassing) 152-153-ish (I don't have an electronic scale, so it lacks in precision quite a bit). Dear Lord. I haven't crept over the 150's in WEEKS. Stupid Holidays, stupid lack of will power, stupid failure, stupid period that wouldn't come and made me eat and eat. I know it's a terrible excuse, but I swear that I become an animal when I'm pms-ing. Like, I will eat EVERYTHING and I will be a total psycho bitch, so watch out world. Anyways, now I'm bloated and full of breakfast and was wearing too many clothes, so I'm hoping that I was actually "only" (ha!) at 150. 

But, seriously, this period thing is a problem. I used to be like clockwork: 27 day cycle, lasted 8-9 days. Now last month my cycle was 32 days and, this month, 35 days, with only 5-6 days of period. But, on top of it (and this is where I go all med student on you, feel free to skip, I just have a lot of anxiety about this), I had some random bleeding 2 weeks after my last period for 2 days. So I thought it was some ovulation blood, which can happen but never has to me, but that would've meant that my next period should be exactly 14 days later (because the luteal phase, after ovulation, lasts exactly 14 days), but it wasn't. It was 19 days after. Which is impossible. Which means that that bleeding wasn't because I was ovulating. So yeah. Now I'm worried. I think I may have endometriosis because I get awful pelvic pain when I go running at certain times in my cycle, I have very heavy periods and now this. I'm seeing my doc on the 7th, so we'll see.

But seeing the doc leads to more anxiety because a) I get anxiety seeing the doc and going over my issues with her and now I have more issues to report but I don't like talking about what happens in my head, so yeah. Then b) we're gonna have to change my meds because they really aren't working at fixing my cabeza problems, but they're the only thing giving me a half-decent amount of sleep right now. And c) if she's gonna test for endometriosis, it's gonna involve parts of me getting naked and I have HUGE issues with getting naked and with people touching me, in general (how this works out with the bf I will explain some other time because I am getting anxiety just thinking about it), so I'd much rather just swab myself and give her the sample, which I know she will never agree to. So yeah. Doc = stressssss. Plus I know that she will be disappointed in me. She's a resident so we talk about school a lot and she really likes me and stuff and I just feel bad showing up there with more issues that I just didn't tell her about. Because I know that she will feel bad that she didn't realize them before and that will make me feel bad because I know that I'm really good at hiding things so it's not her fault. Cue the guilt. Ok. Exhale. Rant. Over. Sorry guys.

On another food-related note, today's day 3 of the HSGD for Lucie and I (yay!) and I didn't purge yesterday! Go me, haha (Eve, if you're reading this, I hope you're proud of me :p) So here's what I've eaten so far (it's noon now):

• Orange juice (110cal)
• 2 tbs cottage cheese (17cal)
• Oka cheese (60cal)
• Poached egg (71cal)
• 1 slice whole wheat toast (80cal)
• 2 ferrero rocher (I know, terrible. 145cal. Like, this and the orange juice are killing me. Why is orange juice so high cal?!)

Total: 484cal (there are some .5's in there that my online calorie tracker adds up) minus the 110 from the orange juice so 374cal. Not too bad so far. Just gotta keep at it!

And, finally, just a thought. Is it normal that, if I had my way, I would just sit in front of the computer all day not eating and not moving just reading all of your blogs? I feel like voyeuristic or something, I just love reading about your lives, which is why I always start blogs from the beginning. I know, I'm probably insane. But I'm dreading going back to school and not having the time to discover more blogs. Pathetic? Yes, surely. Sigh.

At least I am in somewhat of a better mood now that I'm not pms-ing. Silver lining, right?

Anyways, have a good day/evening!

xx

HSGD Day 1 (well, technically day 2)

Didn't eat anything at work, just ran on green tea all day which was great. For dinner, had:

• Chicken noodle soup (100cal)
• Smoked oysters (150cal)
• 7 saltine crackers (90cal)
• Mozzarella (70cal)
• Mixed salted nuts (170cal - they're a killer, but I had to have them)
• 1/2 cup of grapes (30cal)

Total for the day: 980cal. Minus the fruits (220cal) = 760cal. Just under today's limit of 800cal, which is perfect. I thought I'd be able to start the diet off very much below the limits, as I was doing so well not eating today, but then I got home and had a mini-binge. At least there's no real binging and no purging today, though it was difficult to keep dinner down. If I want something later, I'll just have more fruit, to keep it nicely within the limits.

Read so many blogs today which really helped keep my mind off of food today. You are all so inspiring.

Good night girlies!

xx

Twenty Thirteen

So a whole new year. Apparently. It all seems kind of foggy to me, but that's how everything feels now. I can't believe that 2012 has come and gone. I can remember everything that has happened. It has been a pretty difficult year, with lots of downs. But, hey, twenty thirteen can only get better, right?

I think I'm going to start the HSGD for real today. Lucie posted about it too here. I'll just start on the Tuesday, I suppose, so 800cal today, minus fruits and veggies. I'm 3 hours into my shift at work (9 more to go, yay, not, haha), and here's what I had for breakfast:

• Pineapple juice (90cal)
• Banana (100cal)
• Natural peanut butter (180cal)

So that's 370cal, minus the fruits, so 180cal of peanut butter. I've only brought clementines and an orange to work and I could potentially buy a veggie soup if ever I get cold/hungry. I would ideally like to keep my intake as low as possible for today as I have eaten like a pig in the last week or so and I feel like I need to let my digestive tract catch up a bit. I also have binged and purged multiple times per day in the last week, and it's starting to take a toll on my I think. My parotid glands are so swollen, I look like a chipmunk. I feel sick immediately after I eat anything and my body is so used to throwing up that every time I even bend over after I've eaten I vomit a bit in my mouth (disgusting, I know, I'm just trying to be honest). So I think that some good old restricting will give my whole system a break and allow it to repair the damage I've done. And writing here will force me to be liable to you. So that's good too.

I also got a chance to weigh myself (at last) this week, though it wasn't first thing in the morning as I like. Anyways, I weighed 148-149lbs, which is terribly embarrassing (especially since you are all so skinny!), but isn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. At least I'm still below 150. I would like to be at most 135lbs by Valentine's Day, which is a totally arbitrary date, but it's a nice exact 45 days. This will be also the first year that I may have someone to celebrate with. So I think that that will be my objective for the next 6 weeks or so. I don't know whether this is and under- or over-estimation as I have never really had set goals in my wanting to lose weight. I'll adapt as I go, I suppose.

In other news, my roommate and I have started painting our apartment! We have to get as much done as possible by the 3rd as we are having a house-warming party that night. I am terribly nervous as I don't enjoy having people over, in my space, looking and judging. Plus my ex might be there and my boyfriend might not. It's not a problem, I have too much pride to ever let anything happen even if I (or he) wanted it to and I don't even know whether or not he's coming for sure, but every time I see him I hurt a little. At the same time, I want him to come and see me. I have lost about 15-20lbs since we were "seeing each other" and I don't know whether you can tell or not, but I still want to stick it to him how well I'm doing (on the surface) without him, not just in this aspect, but in every aspect of my life (I really do seem to have everything in control and to be doing so well. My shrinks, etc are really surprised by how good a front I keep up). Plus, the last time he saw me was at my birthday, where I had a meltdown (he didn't witness that, thank God), but I was being pretty passive-aggressive with him. Anywaaays.

I am super anxious about moving out. Like, terrified. I despise change. And my home, my room, they're all I've ever known. Sure, I lived with my grandparents for 2 years, but I always knew that it was temporary. Realistically, I know that I will have to move out next year anyways once I start my rotations in the hospitals as I live much too far to commute, but I just am so sad to leave. I feel so guilty, too. I feel like my mom still needs me and that things could be fixable with her. I'm so mean to her because I don't want to show any emotion, any weakness, but I'm so not ready for this and it terrifies me. I don't know if I can do this. I'm so unwell in my head and I'm just finally admitting it and now I have to pack my things and leave everything that I have ever known and pick up tons of new responsibilities for which I just don't feel ready. I'm terrified. I hate change.

I know that this post is all over the place. There has just been a lot of change in my life in the past year. But it's a New Year now, time to start fresh I suppose. 

I know this post is pretty lengthy, but wanted to answer your lovely comments on my last (depressing) post. I haven't really figured out what's the best way to answer comments yet. If you have any suggestions to give me, that would be great. I appreciate the support and kind words so much, I really do.

Lucie: That's a great idea. I used to write a lot, poetry and that sort of stuff, but I have sort of fallen out of the habit. Once I'm settled in my new place, I think I will buy some kind of notebook to write in a little. I think it will help. In the meantime, writing here really does help me sort things out in my head a bit. Thank you for your support and suggestions! :) xx

Penny: Yes, I love exercise and I usually do a ton of it (I normally run 3-5 times a week, plus a weekly soccer/football (depending on what side of the pond you're from) game and a weekly soccer/football coaching session), but there has been a sort of lull in my exercise habits as all my running routes are iced and snowed up, soccer/football is on hold for the Holidays, and I don't have anywhere to run indoors while I am in the process of moving out. I totally agree, though, I love exercise, it really helps me clear my thoughts, and I definitely can attribute my current state of mind to a lack of it. I also very much appreciate your kind words, it's nice to feel less alone. Thanks for your comment! :) xx