Thursday, November 21, 2013

The blanket

My emotions have been a huge mess lately and I definitely feel as though I am slipping back into depression. It's like someone is pulling the nice warm and comfy blanket I had covering me right off and I'm left naked and freezing, exposed to the world, desperately trying to claw at that blanket before it is completely pulled away. As you can imagine, I don't like it.

The shrink appointment was difficult. I was interviewed for half the session by a resident, then for the other half by both the resident and her supervisor. The goal of this appointment was just to evaluate me and decide on the next plan of action, and I will not ever be seeing these people again, I don't think. Which is part of the reason why it made it so difficult to just spill my guts to them. On top of it, I know exactly why they are asking certain questions, what they are evaluating, so it becomes a huge challenge for me to not just accidentally lie or exaggerate things. I also had to avoid them thinking that I was having some sort of psychosis, which I'm pretty sure the supervisor thought I was having at one point because I wasn't looking at them. I mean, is it such a crime to not want to look at two people while talking about my life?

All in all, they made the diagnosis of episodes of major depressive disorder over a background of dysthymia that has been ongoing for at least 2 and a half years. Also, on top of that, the bulimia nervosa, which I had never really been diagnosed with officially and, though I tried to explain that it seems like something more physiological than psychological, they weren't having any of it. So those are my current 3 official diagnoses. They were also unclear as to whether or not I have borderline personality disorder, because I do exhibit some of the symptoms but not all.

For the course of treatment, they've decided that I will be put on fluoxetine (Prozac) for both the mood disorders and the bulimia, as well as back on trazodone for sleep. They'll also be referring me to the psychiatric service for regular visits with a professional, and they are recommending a full workup (blood, etc.) as well as regular weigh-ins (which are pointless since my weight never goes down into dangerous territory, if it does go down at all). They also want me to self-refer to the one specialized ED clinic for outpatient treatment, but the waiting list is very long. In the meantime, they are recommending a self-help book (yeah, like I have the time/energy/interest to read that...).

So there you have it, folks, the freak show.

Today, I got up in a crisis from lack of sleep, cried excessively, yelled at my mom, and decided to just skip school entirely and go back to sleep. Because I'd be missing two mandatory activities, I lied to the Faculty and to some classmates about an uncle dying. I know, I'm a horrible person. I feel guilty and, at the same time, I don't. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a compulsive liar or a sociopath or something. I don't know. Am I a terrible person? What do you guys think? I just feel like such a loser lately, like I really am losing control of my life, running too fast on a treadmill. Balance and stability are what I've been aiming for, but I seem so far off target that I'm not quite sure how to get back. Hence the blanket being pulled away. How do I keep it together?

It's almost the weekend, ladies, let's stay strong!

All my love,
Lena xx


  1. I'm sorry things have been so tough for you recently...
    No,you are NOT a horrible person sweetie.. With mental disorders, it is often extremely difficult to just face the world and do anything social. I also missed soooo many classes when I was at university, as well as a lot of social activities... and I had to make up a lie every time to excuse myself. I also feel terrible about it, but I believe that does not make us horrible people. I blame our disorders for it... it's what's hiding our true personalities.

    I'm taking prozac too. I've been on it for 3 years now. Hope it helps you :)
    You stay strong too dear! Sending you lots of hugs xx

  2. You aren't a terrible person hun. You're doing what you need to do to get by. I'm not one to give advice on balance and stability, but I really hope things start working in your favor soon. Maybe the fluoxetine will help get things rolling again, and I imagine a more regular sleep pattern would help you cope a little better if the trazodone works. I know you've had a cruddy time with psychs lately, but I really hope this referral ends up changing something for the better.

    You're in my thoughts hun. Sending lots of love and hugs xxxx

  3. isn't that the nice thing about bipolarity and depression
    it's not quite ending is it
    i think i still fit into depression type criteria. my "refractory periods" (sorry i can't find another word for it and you'd appreciate the reference) are not long enough for me to be considered bipolar as far as i'm concerned. my moods could be a week or a day apart from one another. i don't think it's severe enough that i could be considered a Type II.
    oh. oh. that is a nice explanation of how it feels like though!
    no. not. omg. that must suck though. sitting there and knowing what they're evaluating with each question. makes me want to punch something.
    i'm sorry i started laughing when i read self-help book. fuck. those things are bloody useless!!!
    cried excessively. yelled at your mother and went back to sleep. okay. i get this. i get this more than anyone else in the world. i know that feeling very very well and i'm sorry you're feeling that. that is just horrible. you are not a horrible person. knowing anything about depression - fuck. it hits you like a wall and you can't do anything but sit and cry and sleep and cry and be the most irrational person in the whole universe.
    well, you know how to answer that question better than us. you know what keeps you together better than i do.

    i hope this helps. sounds distorted at its best but oh well.
    i'm hoping you feel better sometime soon. depression is a bitch and a lot of times i'd say the depression is stronger than my ED and for now, i really mean it. fuck it all.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i hope you feel better soon.
    PSS. i love you.