Thursday, February 28, 2013

This day started off alright and then just went downhill from there. I managed to wake up, go to my mandatory small group on anemia, and not make a total ass out of myself even though I have not caught up on any of the anemia lectures I've missed. For real, I'm so lucky that I can just randomly offer up information that is magically right. I don't know how it's possible, but apparently it is.

Then my afternoon class got canceled which was great news because a) it meant that I could go for another run (less than 12 hours since my last) and b) I would have plenty of time to start and finish my internship applications for this summer. Great, right? Wrong. Got to the track which was invaded by toddlers and a class of handicapped children. Toddlers and handicapped children, I have no problem with; it's their freaking teachers walking anywhere on the track in any direction that I have to zigzag through that piss me off. Not only that, but there was a guy from my college that showed up at the track and just sat on the benches clapping and yelling at me not to quit every time I went around. I was going INSANE. So I called it quits after 4k and 200 crunches. Made good time with the 4k in 20 minutes flat. Then I was gonna head home to work, but the bf insisted on joining me for lunch. So we ended up eating (gah), watching TWO episodes of E.R. (gahh) and then frolicking (gahhh). And what really pissed me off is that I had to leave my apartment by 3 to get to the hospital for a mandatory palliative care visit (meaning that I, with a group of other students, was meeting someone with terminal cancer) and I TOLD the bf this, but he INSISTED and didn't let me leave until he had been "satisfied". Efff. So I got to the hospital late, humiliated and drenched because there's a huge snowstorm outside. Then, when I was meeting the patient, I BLACKED OUT. This has never ever happened to me before and, excuse the medical mumbo jumbo, but I think I had some kind of arrhythmia because I had a MAJOR vasovagal reaction (I was dying of heat, became drenched in sweat all of a sudden, couldn't stop yawning and blacked out). Now, don't think that this is because I was meeting a dying patient; I've met dying people before, it's not a problem. This was something purely physiological that was happening at the worst possible moment. I somehow managed not to fall over when I blacked out and then came out of it and was fine (except freezing because I was drenched), so it was ok in the end, but it seriously was not a good experience. Then my meeting with the other students ran late, so the guy that I TA for that UN thing told me not to bother showing up, so I came home. And, because my roommate prepared food for me, had to stuff my face. So there's goes the run.'Nough said.

Basically, I got nothing done today but am incredibly exhausted. My net intake is at 757 for today, but, to be honest, it's significantly less because I did a lot of walking that I couldn't time because I was with other people. I'd say that I'm definitely not over 700. Not great, but not terrible.

I think I'm going to go die now, preferably in a hole. Tomorrow is when I'll have to get some serious work done.
Goodnight girlies!
P.S. I was just re-reading yesterday's post, terribly sorry for all the typos, I wrote it on my phone. I hate typos. 
P.P.S. I was forced to socialize with way too many people today, which I think is why I'm so exhausted. I usually go to school, to the track, wherever, and don't talk to anyone, then only talk to the bf and my roommate. Today, I must have talked to at least 40 people. Way too many. I don't deal well with socializing. 

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Runner's high

I love that feeling. Ran today, 7.6k in 39min07sec. Not my best time or my best distance or my best anything. But it's my best distance since I started running on the track. And I did my little speed-walking there and back. And it's the only reason that I left the house today at all. So I'd say that it was important. If there's only one positive thing in your day, it becomes very important. I also walk incredibly fast, My shrink laughs and says that it's because I'm a Type A personality. My 6' boyfriend has to job next to me to keep up. And I tried to enter in in MyFitnessPal just now, and it doesn't even fall under "walking". It falls under "running". I mapped and calculated it, and I walk at about 5.3MPH (8.6k/h). I know, right? Insanity, haha... I also did 500 crunches at the track. So, all-in-all, even though I'm still a waste of space, at least I tried to do something about it today. And it kind of paid off since, even though I ate waaay too much today, my net is at 325 for the day. Finally a good day. Yesterday's net was 769.  I don't have a scale to weigh myself, but at least I know for sure that I can't be gaining with these sorts of intakes. 

My super-duper plan for this week also majorly failed. I was too embarrassed to post about it, but I'm still trying, still keeping starting over and trying not to give up entirely. I'm exhausted, but I know I'll get there. I got my grades back from my last Unit and, though they weren't great, they weren't any worse than anything I've gotten this year so far (which is seriously below what I'm used to, but at least it didn't go down last Unit in spite of my having a lot of trouble getting through it). I passed everything, which is a miracle in and of itself; I didn't think I would pass the histology and anatomy portions, but I did. So that's a relief. Every time I get my marks back, I'm relieved. I used to be excited because I would know that I did really well; now I just want to pass. It's all I need and it's all that I can offer. I'm not in danger-zone, I'm safe, my marks aren't great, but they're getting me where they need to. So it's ok. Every time proves to me that I'll get through the next one too. So, just as I got through Units 1, 2, 3 and 4, I will get through Unit 5.

Finally, I just want to say how lucky I feel to have you supporting me. I mean, you don't know me, you aren't obliged to comment or to write, but you do, which I truly appreciate so much.

Sweet dreams :)
Lena xx

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


I think about all the thoughts that go through my head. Of how ugly I am. How unworthy I am. How stupid I am. How I'm a bad student, a bad friend, a bad girlfriend. A bad person. How I don't deserve to eat. How I deserve to throw up. How I deserve to have bags under my eyes. I am unworthy of having people talk to me or look at me. When I run too fast and too hard, passing everyone at the track, going faster than the jocks, and I feel sick, all I can think is "you deserve this, you fat lazy bitch, you deserve this pain, you deserve the shame of having to throw up in the locker room, you deserve it all". When I see people eat, I analyze what they look like, how much they're eating. When I see the girls who are clearly anorexic running ever so slowly at the track because their bodies are broken from malnutrition, all I can think is that I'm unworthy of their bodies because I don't suffer nearly enough. When I slice angry, hateful words into my calves, I know that I deserve them. I told my shrink a fraction of these thoughts, not even one percent of what goes through my head, and I told him with a smile and a laugh as if it meant nothing. He stared at me. Shocked. Speechless. Because apparently it isn't normal to think this about yourself. Apparently it isn't normal. Huh. Apparently it isn't normal to track all the calories going in and all of them going out. Apparently people don't do that. Huh. I haven't told anyone that I spend hours reading blogs of girls starving themselves and looking at pictures of girls where we don't even see their faces, just their bodies. Because I don't think that that's normal. I don't think that it's normal to spend dozens of minutes in front of the mirror pinching and pulling at myself. I don't think that normal people do that. It takes a lot of self-loathing to spend hours a week leaning over a toilet bowl. It really does. It takes strength and anger and self-hatred like most people never experience. I don't think most people hope for nothing but sleep, forever and constantly. Not dreams; just a hollow, empty sleep that never ends and that I would never have to wake up from. When you're 20, I don't think that that's supposed to be all that you could ever ask for. That and being thin. I don't think so.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Quick update

I kind of messed up before because I actually had 10 lectures to listen to and I also have homework in 4 of those (anatomy homework). I won't finish tonight for sure, especially if I want to go to bed early, but in a little over 5 hours I did manage to listen to 5 lectures, so that's not so bad. Halfway mark! 

Anatomy is what kills me, really, because I'm so terrible at learning things and their names by heart. I'm great at dissections and at understanding how things relate to each other and work, which is why I understood endocrinology so well: because it makes sense. Learning a bunch of gibberish in Latin will be the death of me. But, at the same time, I love anatomy. Not learning it, but learning about it. I love it. I learned today that four-legged animals don't have collarbones (clavicles). Did you know that? So their forelimbs are only held to their trunk by muscle. Birds have clavicles, to keep their wings out to their sides. That's what the wishbone is: sternum and clavicles. And some babies can be born with a congenital defect where they simply don't have any clavicles and the docs have to implant titanium ones. If they don't do it early enough, the baby's muscles will grow in such a way that his/her arms will stay in the four-legged position. Crazy, huh? And I love learning about all the landmarks on the body. Is it crazy that, after we learned how to palpate ribs, I would count mine whenever I was having a panic attack? It's so reassuring; without an X-ray or anything, I am able to say that I have exactly 12 ribs, in a normal anatomical position, just as they should be. And I can feel them and count them, and they are always there. No matter what. 12 ribs. When I learned the bones of the pelvis, it was the same. There's the ASIS. There's the pubic tubercle. All where they are supposed to be. Phew. Now we're doing upperlimbs. The prof is amazing, she just keeps telling us "Feel them on yourselves or on a confrère." And there they are. The clavicle. The scapula. The acromion. The humerus. Pectoralis major that you can just almost slip your hand under. The bicipital aponeurosis that disappears into the skin just like she said it would. Exactly where she said they would be. Anatomy is so fantastic.

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my last post. I haven't replied yet, but just know that I  am very grateful for them (though I find it terribly difficult to accept compliments of any kind). I hope you've all had amazing weekends.

Going to get back to listening to lectures.
All my love,
Lena xx

No more messing around

Ok. Time to get this show on the road. It is 1:30pm. I woke up feeling sick, then binged and now feel sick again. Stupid? Yes. But now it's done. I will not throw up because enough is enough and I deserve to let all that food fester inside of me anyways. Now. I have 9 lectures to listen to today. I also have 4 lectures' notes to highlight and 2 lab talks to listen to. That probably will not be happening today, but will have to happen some time this week. My midterm is next Monday, including an MCQ portion and an anatomy practical portion. So I will also have to go to the anatomy lab a couple of times this week to take a look at the things I missed this past week. This week, I will also have a Small Group session on anemia to prepare and 10 lectures to read up on, as well as 2 anatomy labs and 2 histo labs to prepare for. I will NOT miss anymore lectures. I missed one histo lab this past week, but I can do that before the final, no big deal. I am working 4pm-8pm on Monday and 4pm-9pm on Thursday. I have a Palliative Care visit on Wednesday at 3:30, then a recap meeting with my group, and then the UN TA-ing thing from 6-9 (which I will most probably be late for). I won't have time to go run today, but I WILL go tomorrow before work, on Tuesday after class, and on Friday. I will be missing part of the histo lab on Thursday because of work. And I'm seeing my shrink on Friday and I won't be seeing him for 2 weeks after that because he's going to be on break. I WILL go, no matter how much I don't want to. I will not eat any meal but dinner, if I must. We hardly have any food left anyways, except the things that I've cooked and frozen of course. The vegan thing is going well and the cheese and yogurt cravings have died down, so that's very good news. I will NOT let the bf come over and distract me this week. My midterm is next week and I need to have my head in the game. He and I can see each other after that exam, though he might be going back home for Spring Break.This is my plan for the week.  This week WILL go well. It isn't overly-packed and I can do this. Tonight, I am going to bed early so that I can get up tomorrow to go to school and I WILL sleep. I luckily have Tuesday night and Friday night off, so I WILL have time to do everything that I want to do. I will make one-page summaries of each lecture like I did for my last exam and I will get my roommate to quiz me. It'll all be ok. Better than ok. I will not be ashamed of this Unit like I have been of the other ones. I have already ingested 881 calories today (gaaahhh), so nothing but tea and gum and water will pass my lips from this point forward. I will focus. Anxiety or no anxiety, depression or no depression, concentration issues or not, food issues or not, sleep or no sleep. I. Will. Focus. I know how to learn, I love to learn, I will learn. I will learn all that there is to learn about the upper limbs and I will be a great doctor. That is all. Rant. Over.
This is my very last post for today, I swear. Well, technically, it's a new day, but still.

So here's the update. The bf acme over, brought about FORTY dumplings with him, plus dried mango. Gahhhh. Ate as little as I possibly could without seeming rude/making him ask questions. If karma exists, it's having a field day by giving me the runs now (tmi, I know, sorry). Siiigh. Anyways, he was in a great mood because he had just gotten out of a five-hour midterm that was worth a lot and that he did well on, so he wanted to stay. And, of course, I can't say no, so we ended up watching the third HP (he had never seen any, so we're slowly getting through them). Then he wanted to frolic, obviously. Which, ok, like I said, I'm a sucker, so I couldn't say no. But then, again, he tried to cross the boundary, and so I told him (really kindly if you ask me) that I wasn't comfortable with that. And he just lost it. Well, I mean, he doesn't lose it like I lose it or like Italians in general lose it (screaming and all that), but he was essentially just gonna leave. So I was trying to smooth things out, explaining my point of view and how I feel about these things because he has asked me to be more honest with him and all that, but he was blaming me for a bunch of things that were just plain old misunderstandings. It was really frustrating. It's like this whenever we argue; it turns into an I-said-you-said or he just says the opposite of what I'm saying because that's the way he is. Anyways, he was pissed because apparently I don't initiate anything and he feels like I just passively lay there and set boundaries, telling him what he can't do. What I've tried explaining to him a million times is that I don't like being touched. At all. Everyone who knows me knows this. So it just generally makes me uncomfortable, but I do it because I know that he enjoys it. But there are certain things that I won't do because I know that I will literally have a panic attack and freak out and push him off me, kicking and screaming, if let him. So I won't. But he doesn't get that, at all. And he keeps score about what he does "for me" and what I do "for him". Which is clearly not how this is supposed to work, never mind the fact that the things he does "for me" aren't for me at all because I don't particularly enjoy them. I know this sounds super strange and complicated, but anyways. The gist of it is that I ended up groveling and making him stay and making him happy (I didn't give in and cross my boundaries though). I just hate that this is how I've become. I'm not this girl who apologizes or begs or any of this. I've never been this girl. I'm super independent. He's sweet and everything, but I'm not in love with him and I know that I never will be. I just don't have the energy right now to go through a break up, let alone find someone else. And he's one of the few people that I still talk to regularly because I'm just so exhausted and all my old friends expect so much from me. So I don't want to isolate myself even more. But I know that something's gonna give eventually. I know what you're thinking, that I shouldn't drag this out if it's going nowhere, but please don't judge me. It's complicated and I need him sometimes just like he needs me, so I'll make it work until I can't anymore. In spite of the fact that we have pretty much nothing in common and in spite of many things. I just can't.

In other news, 870 is my net for today. Blegh. And I've only managed to listen to one lecture that I missed last week. Double-blegh. So, all-in-all, another sucky day. Tomorrow (today) will better. I hope.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Guess what? The bf has just left. Can you say screwed? -.-'

New day, new week

Yeah, my title says it all: I've decided to try to have a better attitude and outlook. It helps that I managed to sleep last night, once the stupid neighbours stopped blasting their music and once the partying outside died down (around 3:30am). So I got a good 6 hours in, which is nice for me. Got up, ate a little (I know, I know...), then cooked for over two and a half hours because I had some endives that were about to go bad and I got some free quasi-bad cherry tomatoes at work, so I made a cream of endive and potato (with soy milk, dunno how good it'll be) and a marinara sauce. The apartment smells yummy :) I also did a ton of dishes and tidied up a little because the bf is coming by any minute now. He's insisting on bringing me dumplings, sigh... I love dumplings, such a weakness. I told him I couldn't eat them because of the vegan thing, and he guaranteed that they are vegan, which I highly doubt. It's ok, it's ok. I can eat them and it'll be ok. I would like to maybe go for a run later, but there's a snow storm outside (so I just feel like staying cozy at home) and the gym closes at 8:30 on weekends, so we'll see. the bf also wants me to go to a party with him tonight. First of all, I hate going to a thing full of strangers. Second of all, I have TONS of work to do. And, third of all, I don't feel like getting all ready, leaving the house, going over there and being force-fed junk food and booze. I'm just not down. Sigh. But I haven't met these people and they're some of his friends and he wants me to meet them and blah blah blah. So, again, we'll see. I guess it'll depend on how much work I get done. Especially considering that he's coming over and I don't work well when he's here. And he'll want to "frolic" (if you allow me the term; general sexual language and stuff gives me a lot of anxiety), but I don't want to. I'm still pissed about Monday when he overstepped some major boundaries and I had to push him away. So yeah. None of that. 

Anyways, back to making lists and plans for me, wishing you all a great weekend!
Lena xx

Friday, February 22, 2013

Another one bites the dust

Here's to another day being over. Is it sad when I'm just trying to survive one day at a time?

Today was a bad day. Missed the mandatory small group this morning. Then binged. Managed to listen to some lectures. Then binged again. Then went for a run (5k in 24min49), had to make it a quick one because I had to go see my shrink. Threw up in the locker rooms. So humiliating. That's what I get for being a fat pig and eating so much. Then went to my shrink where I pretty much just spewed my week from hell at him. He's not sure if he'll write a note justifying my absence to the small group this morning, I'll have to wait and see. I filled out a leave of absence request form anyways, because by now the whole freaking Faculty seems to know that I have some shit going down in my life and stuff, so might as well use the fact that my entire life's humiliation is on display for everyone to actually get exempted from things. I guess. I disgust myself. 

Anyways, then my shrink made me miss the bus to get to work, so I literally had to run there. Then I worked. Then I had some oatmeal because my tummy was not happy about having binged and run and then thrown up. So yeah.

All this to say that I'm a huge bundle of self-loathing right now. I mean, I don't have the urge to cut because I have pretty recently and it seems to die down for a while after that, but I just despise myself. I realize that I have pretty much cut myself off from everyone but my roommate and the bf, and maybe one or two other friends who I talk to on a semi-regular basis. I don't want to leave the apartment and never would if I didn't have to. I am politely excusing myself from any and every social event possible, especially those involving new people/people in med. I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't enjoy talking to people, I find it incredibly exhausting with all its formalities. I am constantly being a little bitch and instigating things with my roommate (and my parents,when and if I see them). I am aware of it, but I can't seem to stop. I have so much resentment and hate towards myself that it seems to overflow onto other people. But, at the same time, I have being alone. And now, this weekend, I am alone with my fat, stupid, lazy self, and I hate it. I don't know, I'm just over everything. I just want to sleep forever. 

P.S. Ha, almost forgot to write about numbers which is why I started this post in the first place! So, yeah, I ate a shit ton, but I also threw up quite a bit (a good 400cal, for sure, at the very least) and I went for a run and did a lot of walking and worked a 3.5h shift. So, all in all, my net isn't terrifying at 657. I can deal with that. I won't tell you how much I ate, because that IS terrifying, but all-in-all I survived. 

P.P.S. The times are all messed up on this thing, dunno if it's a time zone problem of some sort, but it is almost midnight here. In case anyone cares, lol...

What. A. Fail.

After not sleeping this week, of course my body decides to sleep right through my alarm this morning. Of course. And of course I had to put earplugs in last night because there were trucks outside my window moving snow from one pile into another. Of course. So I didn't hear my alarm and my roommate woke me up in a panic but it was too late because I would've just shown up for the last 30 minutes of a 2h mandatory small group. Of course. And then of course I respond to this by writing a panicked email to my shrink to see if he can write me a note to excuse my absence so that I don't get penalized the 2% the group was worth. Of course I make a big deal about 2%, mostly because I'm incredibly ashamed. And then, of course, instead of picking myself up and dusting myself off, I decide to eat a shit ton and just crash on the couch in pathetic self-loathing. Of course. Oh and have I mentioned that I have had to cancel all 8 of my planned activities for this weekend so that I can catch up on this week of class that I've missed? Yeah, that's right. Just gonna be a hermit in the apartment trying to do things that I should've already done. And have I also mentioned that I'm so traumatized by my last electricity bill that I have lowered the heating to almost nothing and I am now permanently freezing? Yeah, of course. So I am just miserable. I disgust myself. I really do. I don't know why I am so pathetic, I don't know why this week is going so badly, I don't know why my stupid weak body needs food and sleep, I don't know why. And I don't know why I'm tired ALL THE FREAKING TIME.I just want a vacation. That's what I want. A beach, some warmth and a vacation. I'm tired of all of this. I'm just done. I'm broken. But my semester runs until the end of June and I don't get a Spring Break, so, yeah, no. No vacation. Ever. For the next 4 months. For the next four months I have to keep up this insane pace without any break in sight. Just. Great.

Thursday, February 21, 2013


So t'was another crappy day. Blah. I'm so tired. So down. Not into anything. Don't want to do anything. Just want to sleep. Just want to curl up. Fasted until I got home from work (9:30pm), so roughly 22h, but then my roommate forced me to have dinner. It's ok, it was super healthy and yummy (I had made it and frozen it): spaghetti squash with black beans in a tomato sauce and two clementines. With the 5 hours I was standing at work (I'm a cashier) and the walk there and back, my net for the day has been -910. So that's good. Maybe I'll do that every day, just have a small and healthy dinner but not eat anything else otherwise. Could be a good plan. God. I'm so tired. I got pretty much no work done today and the midterm for this Unit is already approaching fast. My roommate has convinced me to ditch all my weekend activities and commitments and just catch up on what I've missed this week, i.e. everything. Might be a good idea. I have a small group thing tomorrow that I'm not even preparing for, just printing off someone else's answers. Pathetic. I'm just pathetic. This is med school and I'm supposed to be giving it the best I've got and this is the best I can manage. Just sad. I just want to stay in bed forever looking at thinspo and reading blogs. Nothing else. Nothing else even matters. My not going back to my parents' this weekend means that I won't be able to weigh in. Uggh. I'm just a big fat bundle of blah. When will this be over?

So. Tired.

So, my insomnia's back. With a vengeance. I was hopeful that these meds were finally helping me kick it for good, but it would seem not. We upped the dose a few weeks ago because they were making me really drowsy in the morning and they aren't supposed to do that at higher doses, but it would seem that their sleep-inducing effects are also weaning. So I'm back to not being able to sleep. It sucks because I am just so tired. And I was finally feeling a bit better; last week, I had 2-3 solid days of pure studying before my exams, more than I have managed to study in about two years. I was feeling so confident. I felt like I was finally shaking this foggy feeling that I've had since April 2011, where everything that I do and live seems to be happening in a dream. I mean, I can be doing something and know that I'm doing it, but if you ask me about it later it will be unclear whether or not it was real. It's called derealization, or so my shrinky people have said. One guy that I saw said that it's like what happens to people before a plane crash. He wanted to know what disaster I was anticipating. I don't know what I can possibly have been anticipating for the past two years, but oh well. Who am I to argue? Actually, all my shrinks find me rather difficult to work with because I'm always arguing with them, haha. I mean, if you want me to believe your mumbo jumbo, at least provide me with some true evidence. I'm not just going to believe it because you say it. That's how I am, eternally skeptical. It's a bit terrible.

Anyways, like I was saying, I am exhausted, so I haven't been to a single class in this new Unit (Musculoskeletal and Blood). I did go in today for a couple of hours because I had a mandatory thing to attend. It was boring and useless. But I also had to hand in an equally boring and useless paper on the difference between illness and disease, so I had to go in regardless. I wrote my paper in French and let me tell you that English is pretty much the only language that makes a distinction. I also speak Spanish and Italian, and they don't make a distinction either. So I found it a bit futile to write something about an issue that is language-specific. Anyways. Got 'er done. So that's good. I also went for a run, my first in a couple of weeks because I've just been so overwhelmed. It was a difficult run, my muscles were pretty stiff. And I have a tendency to always want to go too fast and burn myself out really quickly. What can you expect from someone who was a track and field sprinter all through high school? I have a need for speed, haha, and have serious problems pacing myself. I did manage to get 5,6k done in a reasonable time (28:24). I also did 400 crunches. And I had to do a lot of walking today. So all in all not too shabby exercise-wise. I have been craving protein though (nuts, peanut butter, etc.) like crazy, probably because my body isn't used to having this little. I just hate it because I feel like there are few truly high-protein, high-satiety foods on a vegan diet. So it makes me want to eat more. Plus I'm going from binging pretty regularly to trying to control that so I don't throw up. My system is not happy with me. But I'm sure it'll fix itself. I also don't have a scale at the apartment (or any money for a scale right now) so that's killing me too. Man, I'm just rambling along right now, no clue where I am going with this except that I'm dreading going to bed so I'm trying to stall a little. Being rather whiny. Pretty pointless post I guess, sorry ladies, I understand if you've gotten bored by now.

Guess I'll go read some blogs and answer some posts to buy some time. So tired. Hope you're all getting your sleep! :)

P.S. Ok. That's it. I'm tired of being weak with food. I mean, my nets have not been so bad (today was a bit high at 1169), but I think that I'm in need of a good ol' fast. As of midnight, I will be counting the hours. Hoping for at least 30, maybe 48 if I'm feeling confident. I'm tired of feeling full, and I was feeling so great in my baggy jeans before the Holidays. That's what I need again. Baggy. So it's time to fast. The first 18 hours are the hardest, then it just gets easier. I'm tired of needing food, of giving myself excuses to eat, of eating when I don't even have to. Enough. If I can't sleep and I can't work, well then I can't eat. Time to shine.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Mid-week, meh-week

I haven't been able to read and write as much as I would've liked so far this week because we've been having problems with the internet at the apartment, it fluctuates a lot, making it difficult to load pages and all that. My roommate is supposed to call tech support some time this week, so hopefully it will get fixed soon. It's so frustrating because all my work is online, so I really need access. Also, it's crazy how, after just a couple of days, I already miss this world. 

Yesterday and today haven't been great. I woke up feeling terribly sick yesterday so I did not go to any classes. And then the bf decided to sleep over last night. I don't like it when he just springs that on me because I have a single bed and already don't get much sleep, so I can't sleep at all when he's crammed in that tiny bed with me. Also, I have a lot of issues when it comes to being intimate with someone, and he just doesn't get that and always tries crossing boundaries that I've set up. Gives me so much anxiety. Today I had to meet a patient that I shadow at 10:30, so I just got up late and didn't go to any of the labs today, making me already 7 lectures and 2 labs behind after missing two days. I'm seriously the worst med student ever. I feel terribly lazy and guilty about it all the time. I was also supposed to have a dinner with work today, but I hate these kind of sit-down events with people that have very little in common with me and where I have to eat in front of people to seem normal. Just so not worth it. So I just called my manager and said that I had too much work on my plate and wouldn't be able to go. Such a coward, I know. But at least I didn't just nap at home; I cooked for nearly 5 hours straight, making 5 different recipes that I can freeze. My roommate doesn't cook, so I do all the cooking and I like getting it all done at once so that I don't have to prepare something when I get home at 9 after over 12 hours of school and work. I was a bit frustrated today though because my roommate has a tendency of opening things and letting them go bad, which forced me to throw a bunch away today. I also got the electricity bill from the last 2 months and nearly had a heart attack: over 285$. That's because it was terribly cold in January, reaching -40C with the windchill. But it's also partially because my roommate, though she's an environmentalist, is pretty wasteful with heating and electricity, running our bill high. So yeah, let's just say that this living on my own thing is running through my savings pretty fast.

Calorie-wise, the last couple of days have been so-so, with net intakes of 888 and 832 each. Not terribly, but not great either. I guess I can live with it though, at least for now, especially since I've been yo-yoing between extremes since the Holidays. Maybe being mediocre but stable will be better overall. At least that's how I'm trying to justify it, haha

Anyways, hope you are all doing well and I am so appreciative of my new readers. It's really nice to know that someone is listening :)
Take care! xx
P.S. Oh and I haven't thrown up in about a week, so yay, right? Ha, the things I strive for, so sad. 

Sunday, February 17, 2013


I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I'm gonna be doing a pediatric surgery elective this summer in Singapore! I'm still a bit shocked that I'm going, since I'm only in my first year of Med, but my roommate has contacts over there (as in, the dean of freaking medicine at the only medical school over there. Talk about prestigious) and she got me in. So we'll be spending all of July with her family and I will be on a four-week elective. We would also like to go to Malaysia for a bit as it's supposed to be amazing. I'm pretty excited but pretty nervous at the same time since I do consider myself a bit of a fraud; I mean, I feel that, with my recent level of stupidity, I definitely should not be in med school, let alone have the privilege of doing a very specialized elective after my first year. Anyways. It's happening and there isn't much I can say about it anyways since her whole family is already expecting us. I'll also be doing a stage somewhere up North in the second half of the summer (well, I haven't applied yet, but I'm hoping to get it). So it will be a busy summer for me. I'm just a bit sad because summer is always soccer time for me: playing, coaching and refereeing. I'm pretty intense about it and I was finally going to get a shot at being a higher ranking ref this year, but oh well. And I feel bad for abandoning the girls that I coach. I've been coaching them for a few years now and the parents love me and my roommate and I hate to have to let someone else come coach them, especially since we had to fight to get the position (we're girls and we're young, making us unlikely candidates for a coaching position in a world led by men). Another, albeit stupid reason, for my being a bit sad is that summertime is when I see that guy that I used to see, because he plays soccer and I ref some of his games. I know it's dumb, but I still have trouble letting go. I also love summertime in general, but at least I'll get to be someplace nice and warm and sunny and beach-y for the first half of it, in Singapore. Hopefully I'll get a pretty sweet tan, haha.

On another note, I've been so lazy all weekend, just loafing in my bed and reading blogs. It's great to be back in this world and I love reading about everyone and how you're all doing. My vegan plan is already proving to be challenging because my parents bought me a bunch of food to bring to the apartment, including cheese and yogurt, and I just hate seeing things go to waste. I mean, all my life I've been guilted into not throwing out food and, at the apartment, it's great because I can decide exactly what to eat without have to get speeches and worried looks. But if they send me food that I won't eat, I just feel terribly guilty about it. 

Anyways, hope everyone is having a nice Sunday!

Saturday, February 16, 2013


So, I know I'm a bit late, but Lent started two days again (whoops!) and I had planned to try to go vegan for it. I mean, it will be pretty challenging and I don't want to impose it on other people (let's say someone has me over to eat or makes me something, I don't want to be rude or make their life difficult, you know?), but Lent is a time of sacrifice, right? And, trust me, it'll be a sacrifice, because I love me some good ol' low fat dairy! And eggs. Yum. But I think it'll really force me to avoid binging and to stick to my meal plans. It's not really for animal rights (sorry all you activists, I'm a scientist, animal research is pretty much necessary in my field), but more as just for the personal challenge of it. And to prove to myself that I can do it. Because I have seriously been having trouble sticking to things, but I think that this is doable. 

On another note, Valentine's day was a bit of a fiasco, but oh well. And I saw my counselor dude (I hate certain words, so I tend to replace them by less scary works, like, in this case, counselor or shrink instead of the real words... You know...) today, not very useful. He insisted on seeing the cuts on my leg, so I felt like some sort of animal at the zoo. Oh and my bf felt my swollen parotids this morning and I kind of got defensive and snapped at him that it's because I throw up a lot. Yeah... Smooth, I know... Anyways. I'm just tired of feeling like this curiosity that people can study and analyze. I know myself really well, I know what's going on in my head, I don't need some random people telling what it means or how I do/should feel. And I'm tired of having all the neatly tucked away and packaged things in my head spoken out loud for everyone to hear. It's none of anyone's business anyways. I'm tired of owing people my thoughts and feelings and my story. 

Ok, rant. Over. I know that I probably don't make any sense, kinda just doing a stream of consciousness in my highly-sleep-deprived state. Anywaaays.

I'm happy to be back. I mean, the first time I started writing, I stopped because I felt like I would never be "good enough" or show enough control to compare to all of you pretty girls just having everything neatly bundled and controlled. I felt like I couldn't be honest about what I ate or how much or how much I weigh and all that because I would be judged. I'm so self-conscious. About everything. My thoughts, my feelings, my inadequacies, my weight, my food, my throwing up, my cutting, my cabeza issues as I like to call them, my everything. But I've decided that I miss reading your stuff, haha, and that maybe I should take a different approach, where I don't force myself to write things and expose myself in ways that I don't want to. So, you know, just write more for me, without being self-conscious about who's reading and how they're taking it. That's the idea at least.

Gonna go catch up on some of your blogs now that I have finished my work for the night. Hope you're all doing well :)

Lena xx

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Off to a rocky start

So, yeah, this weekend has been a bit of a fail, both food- and study-wise, because I stayed at the apartment all weekend, canceled all my activities in the hopes of studying like a maniac, but the bf came over and I ended up doing very little work. Which is a bit of a disaster because my finals are Thursday and I am so behind. I got a leave for the midterm a couple of weeks ago because I've been such a mess, but I swore to myself that I'd do this final. I just need to scrape a 60 overall, but I am so terribly behind that I don't know if it's going to be possible. It's like, once you're in med school, you aren't allowed to be sick or have stuff to deal with. Which clearly are both a reality for me. So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, which puts me into the sort of paralyzed state where I just stare at my work for a really long time, rendering me even less productive. I guess I should get to it.

So happy to be writing again,


P.S. Haven't gotten a chance to catch up on blogs yet, but I have been looking at some thinspo, which is always relaxing and motivating for me, so that's good. Though the bf almost found my thinspo pages open on my laptop because he came over so unexpectedly. He also has kinda figured it out about my cutting, I think, because he noticed a bandage on my leg at the same place as last time and he kind of called me out about it. I was a terrible liar and just refused to talk about it. Very mature, obviously, but oh well.

Friday, February 08, 2013

Guess who's back

So I'm back. Kind of fell out of touch with everything, including myself. I guess that I was also really ashamed because I have put on a lot of weight. But a bunch of things have brought me back. Firstly, I cut again yesterday. Secondly, my counselor made me keep a journal this week and it made me realize how much I miss keeping my own and reading up on other people's. And thirdly, this Unit in Med has been all about nutrition and I have suddenly come to realize that how I perceive food is so incredibly different and twisted from the way most people perceive it. This in turn had me thinking about how there's a whole world of people online that get exactly how I feel when I eat, cook, see and think about food. And exercise. So, yeah, I decided to make a return. Maybe my posts won't be quite as long as I really don't have time with school and all, and I don't think that I will be able to keep up with continuously commenting on people's blogs, but I will write a little and read a little and connect with myself and this world that I belong to again. Because I think it's really important that I belong somewhere.