Friday, September 20, 2013

Swimming through the madness

Do you ever have this insane hope that someday the madness will stop and that you will just be happy again? Truly happy, like you were as a child, like you were before you started hating yourself and before you started just going through the motions? I do. I long for that day when I'll wake up and realize how beautiful the world is. Has the world ever actually seemed beautiful and lovely to me? Have I ever been truly happy, even as a child? Not sure. But I do remember the days when I used to be an idealist and I used to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that would be enough to get back.

This week has been sort of up and down. Managed to get to school Monday through Wednesday and yesterday afternoon, but not yesterday morning or this morning (no class this afternoon anyways). I also had that first session of that college-level class that I TA on Wednesday; we actually held the interviews, t'was a long and slightly painful process,  but I do think that I will enjoy it much more this year, mostly because I feel more confident in my capabilities and I'm not constantly fighting the urge to hurt myself.

That's the biggest difference this year, I guess; I feel more serene. I attend understand what's happening in (most of my) classes, I'm not falling (too far) behind, I am participating in the Small Group sessions, I actually do not do too badly on the quizzes, I'm going running on a semi-regular basis... I also haven't had a "real" binge in the longest time (knock on wood) and have been eating pretty damn clean if you ask me (this will surely change as soon as my period comes along). Things are looking up a bit. Of course, the bad is still there: I throw up at least once a day, I'm still obsessing over food and calories and food groups, I cancelled my counseling appointment on Tuesday and today because I just don't feel brave enough to face it yet, I still have nightmares and flashbacks, sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack in the middle of class and will have to run away, I only see a select few friends because the others just seem "too much"... But I'm getting there, right? Slowly but surely, I suppose. Doing my best, I guess that's all that anyone can ask for...

Tonight is going to be a bit of a challenge, because I was invited to this dinner for a friend's birthday. The thing is, he's the only person I'll know there, besides my ex-roommate. I haven't seen her since... well... Almost 2 months? I still think about her everyday, I still have dreams about her, I still find myself wanting to turn to her... But she isn't here anymore. And she hurt me so deeply. So she will be there tonight, and I'm terrified of seeing her again. Which is why I've asked Dan to come along, if only so that he can squeeze my hand under the table and make me feel a little bit safer. We'll see if that works out. Honestly, I just want to bail, say that I'm too tired to go, whatever, but this guy is super nice and I know that it would hurt him if I didn't show up... The guilt card always works on me, that's for sure. Anyways, I'm doing everything I can to make this go well: I've already looked up the menu and picked what I'll eat, I've picked what I'll wear and my makeup and all that, I've made plans with Dan who's never come this far across the city to see me (I usually go to him, lazy butt :p)... I've thought of my strategy regarding my ex-closest friend: I think I'll just play it really cool and collected, seem super happy and content, like everything in my life has fallen into place. I won't be bitter or resentful or call her out on her bullshit, I'll just sit there with a smile like she's a vague acquaintance that I haven't seen in a long time. Polite, but distant. God, I know that I'm rambling, this is just really stressing me out...

Some of you have been wondering about Dan and I promise that I'll update you on that whole situation asap. I just feel as though that will have to be a separate post to kind of give a bit of context and all that. So please forgive the confusion for now :)

Anyways, wish me luck for tonight! And I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

All my love,
Lena xx


  1. I don't remember a time when I was truly happy, even as a child. Mum says I used to be, but I'm not so sure. Even my younger years were filled with trauma, I wouldn't go back even if I could.

    I'm glad you feel more relaxed at school this year. Do you think you're putting less pressure on yourself than you have in years gone by? There are bad days and tough times, but like you said, you're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask for.

    Best of luck at dinner. I hope you will be/were able to enjoy it. The social side is always tougher than the food side for me. Recently my brother's girlfriend had a birthday dinner, with 8 people I did not know (her family), and they actually expected me to go. I felt so awful for not going, but I wouldn't have coped with it.

    Have a lovely weekend dear. I'm glad you're back posting. Thinking of you <3 xx

  2. oh dear. that first paragraph. that's pretty much why if a genie came up to me the first wish i'd make is to go back to my childhood so i could grow up all over again, but this time grow up right and remain happy as an adult.
    yay for slowly but surely. it's the guaranteed way to do anything.
    ugh that friend of yours though. since you seem to care (seemed?) a lot about her, i would just confront her.
    congrats on the 5lbs! (yeah i'm doing a weird "comment on all posts at once" type deal). it's most definitely the little things, even though 5 lbs in 10 days is by NO means little.
    don't worry about those jeans. maybe they're just getting old. there are so many reasons beside your weight why they could have betrayed you like this... you lost weight, just don't sweat it.
    oh yes and to answer your question: i'm in my first year towards a PhD in math. good times i know.