Sunday, September 29, 2013

Fool me twice...I'm an idiot.

Friday was what we call the White Coat Ceremony. It takes place partially through Med-2, and it's a pretty swanky event, where we receive our short white coats for the first time, representing our beginnings "in the wild", with "real patients". Basically, we will soon be starting our work in the clinics, so this ceremony's purpose is to mark this new transition. It was a nice event, though a bit too pretentious for my liking, but these things always are. My parents, nonna and godmother came, which was nice, and then I had a family dinner in the evening. My other aunts also watched it on the live stream online, getting teary-eyed, and Dan did too (watch it, not cry, haha). My dad and godmother got emotional too, which I found a bit odd. My dad has been getting emotional a lot this year, which is a completely foreign thing for me. 

The only thing that made the day bitter-sweet was that, just a few months ago, my ex-friend/roommate (let's call her D, because this is getting annoying) had promised that she would be there. I know that it's stupid, but part of me wished that she would show up and keep her promise, in spite of everything that has happened. But, obviously, that was dumb of me to think. 

I texted her, that evening (Friday), because I wanted to let her know that my parents would be paying her back shortly for the money that she dished out for my first few days in-hospital in Singapore. I also wanted to let her know about the White Coat Ceremony. And, finally, I also asked her if she could maybe pay me back the $52 I paid for the electricity bill at our apartment while I wasn't living there but she was. Oh, and I asked her if she could maybe stop spreading stories about us to our mutual friends. I was satisfied with my text, because it didn't sound spiteful or rude or petty or anything, it was just politely distant. But when I got her reply, I was disappointed because, though her tone was the same as mine, she took a few jabs at me. For example, she asked if the could subtract the $52 from the $475 that I owe her for July's rent. She also said that she would "keep that in mind", regarding the talking to our friends about us. I was a bit hurt, and just told her that I had already paid for July's rent before we left for Singapore, that I wish that she could have come to the White Coat Ceremony, and that I wish that she could just speak to me courteously. Also, that, if she would rather not pay me the $52, that was fine, no problem. To which she responded with what I consider to be a huge low-blow. She said that she needed closure and had to move one, so she would disregard July's rent (which, as I said, I've already paid), August's rent (to be clear, she forbade me from going to the apartment when we got back from Singapore, so the only time I went was to pick up my stuff with my parents, so I'm not quite sure why I would be expected to pay rent), as well as the $302 that it cost her to replace her medication. All three are below the belt, but it's the medication thing that really gets to me, first because that's not how much her meds cost, second because she gets them reimbursed through our school insurance, and third (and especially) because of how incredibly insensitive such a statement seems to me, especially coming out of the blue and clearly meant to just hurt me.

Now, just to put things into context, when I OD-ed, I took anything I could get my hands on, including her medication (effexor). And, to be clear, the number one reason for my distress and the "trigger" if you will was her. I obviously didn't take the medication to steal from her or to spite her, but with the hopes of ending my life, to punish myself for what she did to me, because I felt that I must have deserved it. Is it just me, or is it a bit insensitive for her to ask me to reimburse her for that? I mean, considering the context and all that. If I had tried to hang myself with her belt and didn't succeed because it broke, would I have been expected to replace it? Just the fact that she would stoop so low as to weigh that in the balance makes me feel sick. Honestly sick. Am I crazy?

Anyways, I remained polite and just said that I was trying to be courteous and polite, not hitting her with any low-blows, and that I didn't understand why she couldn't treat me with respect or why she had to be so hurtful. What I didn't say was how much that killed me a little bit inside.

I've had a very intense weekend, what with the Ceremony and this weekend-long refereeing course that I took yesterday and today. D's sister was in it with me, which was nice because I like her, but also difficult because she took me back to their dad's place where I spent basically all of last year, before I moved out. I miss her so much (D) sometimes. I just don't understand why she's being like this, where this is coming from. I don't get how someone can be your whole life and family one day, and then turn around and treat you like nothing at all. How does that work? How does it happen?

Anyways, the course was fun and I had a lovely evening last night with Dan. I felt really...loved? It was nice.

I have another hectic week coming up, and my huge midterm (yes, I only have one, but my program pretty much depends on it) is in two weeks, so obviously I'm starting to freak out. Dan and I also have a roadtrip this weekend, he wants me to meet his friends back home, so I'll be driving us there (about 6 hours away - he doesn't drive). Obviously, considering my general anxiety, this is really stressing me out. As is this day trip I'm going on tomorrow to see a more rural hospital where I may decide to do my clerkship next year.

Anywayyys. I apologize for what has been a very long and chaotic and boring post. My thoughts are kind of racing tonight, can't seem to get them straight.


Wishing you all a great start to the week.
All my love,
Lena xx


  1. oh that's interesting. i think any dad being emotional is just weird. it just doesn't fit. i don't know why. i think most of our fathers do are sort of either stern or emotionless. especially because my father himself is a neurosurgeon - apathy to the extreme, but it's understandable. my mother hates it tho.
    anyway -
    congrats on getting your short white coat! you start clinical so soon? wow. i'm quite impressed. i have quite a way ahead of me before i can even think of starting clinical.
    i'm on a seven year sort of system. i've done one year, so...six more left?
    awww well hope is a lovely thing isn't it? x it's not stupid at all. it's quite understandable, love!
    those are sharp jabs right there. honestly, i take my time to say: BITCH. ROOMMATE PERSON. DSPFKSPGKS YOU ARE HORRID. okay. i just like to yell at people. not really that spiteful but hopefully it helps.
    yes, you're crazy but not crazy for thinking that. honestly, it's completely understandable. what she said was just simply out of context in my opinion and completely unprofessional and disgusting. she shouldn't have bought it up. it's more than just a low blow - the blow sunk so deep into ocean that Adele wrote a song about it.
    i hope that you're handling it well. honestly, depending on my mood, i would've either started bawling, taking it fine, or just firing back with every single response that came to my mind thus rendering me into extreme guilt and what not. you know the feeling.
    just does i guess. the way the world works i suppose. you're amazingly strong for holding on for so long to be honest.
    also, omg you too?! i have two formatives and one summative - my summative exam is like 90% and my formatives are 5% each. holy shit. they're trying to murder us!
    good luck with your midterm and the roadtrip. i'm hoping things go by as smoothly as possible.
    it's understandable, sweetie. you have a lot to think about. don't be sorry for what you put in your blog now! <3

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Congrats on getting your white coat! Lookatchu, getting to work with living breathing patients!

    It really sucks that you and D fell out (understatement, I know). I didn't realize until now that it was the same friend you went to Singapore with. The medication thing is really fucked up. You aren't crazy; it IS really bloody insensitive of her. It sounds like she only brought it up to re-open painful wounds, especially if she hasn't mentioned it before. Your belt analogy makes a lot of sense. I don't know how she can be so cold. It makes me really sad for you hun.

    I hope you manage to have a good week, and enjoy the road trip with Dan. Congrats again on your white coat. Thinking of you <3 xxxx