Do you ever feel as though you're looking through a one-way mirror? As though you can see everyone, everything, and what they're all about, but no one can truly see you? I spend a lot of time feeling this way. Without meaning to sound conceited or arrogant, I feel as though I have this ability to read people and to see through them so easily. It is my hope that this will allow me to be a good doctor. But it also leaves me feeling very far away from people, because they are never able to read me quite as well. It's a lonely place, where your thoughts and feelings are so foreign to others that there is simply no way that they would ever be able to comprehend them. You have to filter them out and offer only what people can tolerate, because the rest is just too overwhelming or incomprehensible. Meanwhile, you are able to perfectly understand all that they are living and feeling and experiencing. Does that make any sense?
In other news, the vomiting has gotten worse. Now it isn't just when I feel sick, but it's back to being about the scale. Well, who am I kidding, we all know that it's about so much more than simply losing weight. If asked to psychoanalyze myself, I'd say that it's because I'm trying to have some sense of control, and this gives it to me. Staying in control of my school work, of my schedule, my routine are all proving to be challenges. But I can control this. So I do. (What's the point of seeing a shrink if I already know all these things?)
My first shrink (counselor) appointment since Singapore has been scheduled for this coming Tuesday. The anticipation may very well give me more anxiety than the "therapy" (or whatever) actually removes or eliminates, but I said that I'd give it a (fourth? fifth?) shot, so I will. Not looking forward to it though. If anything, this will be one more shrink that I can break down. It's all a bit unfortunate, really.
So, all in all, the mask is back on, the cracks have been sanded over, no one is the wiser. My pain is nicely tucked away, I'm being friendly with my parents, talkative even, I'm having daily lunches with one of my friends, I'm speaking up in Small Groups at school, I'm attending lectures. Looks like I'm holding it together. I'm getting out of bed (on most days), hanging out with Dan (yes, he's back in the picture), resisting the urge to sleep all the time. I haven't cut since before Singapore, haven't tried to hurt myself since then either. Who knows how long this will all last, but so far so good, so let's keep our fingers crossed.
All my love,