Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Warning: this will definitely be a long post.

First off, thank you for your kind comments on my last few posts. As you know, I have been feeling seriously unwell. Dan left me a few days ago; it was a weird sort of breakup, I cannot begin to explain it. It was also very long, lasting a few hours. When he saw my leg last Wednesday, I think he just finally realized how much pain I am in, and he does not feel that he can make me better. Which, in all fairness, he can't. But I never asked him to either. Regardless, I know that it wasn't fair of me to be with him anyways. I realized a long time ago that I would never be "in love" with him and that we aren't right for each other. But I needed him; not because I needed him specifically, but because I needed someone to hold me and he is one of the few people that I actually talk to on a regular basis. In fact, now that he's out of my life, there is pretty much only my roommate left. So many people have pulled back and I have pushed so many others away, because I simply cannot be the person that I used to be. I used to be fantastic, high-functioning, the best at everything. But I also used to be everyone's mother. You know how they say that everyone needs that "3am friend", the one that you can call no matter what at 3am and they'll be there for you? Well, I was everyone's 3am friend. I was always saving everyone. But, now, I'm just trying to save myself. People tend to pull away in that case, because you're not helpful to them anymore. So I don't have very many people left. 

It's ok, though; I'm feeling quite a bit better now, I think. I have made a plan this week to ease myself into going back to school. I have planned objectives for every day. Nothing very fancy or difficult, but just to get me back into being a functional human being. And I'm feeling more confident that I can do that. This Unit, number 6, is a difficult one on the nervous system, and now the final is worth more for me (60% written exam, 30% labs, all on one day, May 3rd) since I had the midterm exam deferred. So that's 90% of this Unit playing out on one day. Which is huge. But I am just going to do my best. I got an email yesterday from the Associate Dean of Medicine, the one with whom I met a few months ago when I had the other midterm deferred. It was somewhat of a warning that the Med program is only going to get more difficult from here on, and its objective was to "mandate" me to see the doctor responsible for student affairs. I have emailed her to schedule an appointment, so hopefully I can straighten some things out with her. In spite of my many absences and personal difficulties, the Dean noted that I am still "an average student", which obviously made me cringe, as I have never before in my life been "average". But at least I am not "in difficulty". And, honestly, with the way that this year has gone, I believe that it is a testament to my quality intelligence that I am capable of maintaining "average grades" in spite of everything. I am very hard on myself, but I'm trying not to be as much. I think I need to be more fair.

Dan came by the apartment today to drop off some books that he had forgotten he had borrowed. My roommate didn't want me to see him, so she answered the door. He's been texting her to ask how I'm doing, and he whispered the question to her twice when she went to the door. She didn't answer. She tells me that it's none of his business, how I'm doing, that he relinquished the right to know when he broke up with me. Fair enough. I know that he's just worried that I'm hurting myself because of it. Honestly, this breakup isn't the thing that will push me off the edge. I think I was using him a lot just so that I could feel less alone. But, honestly, we had almost nothing in common, argued all the time, and didn't understand each other. He doesn't have much ambition, and I always aim for the top. He isn't going anywhere, but I want to live. I have always been this way and now, just because I'm not doing so well, doesn't mean that I have given up on all my aspirations. It will just be a bit lonely with only my roommate to talk to. But I'll be ok.

I also had an appointment with my shrink on Friday. Apparently there has been some sort of mix up in the scheduling, so I won't be seeing him this week. I have to say, though, that he has never helped me thus far, and, on Friday, he told me that I was "too far gone" for CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and for "tools" (as I call them), so that we should just talk. I'm tired of talking. I need help now. I need tricks and tips and ways to make things easier for me. So I think that I've outgrown him. On Friday, he spent the last 5 to 7 minutes of the session just bringing me down, and I left with my head bowed, feeling worse than ever. I don't want or need that. My roommate has started the search for a new shrink for me, and I just may ask to see a senior one at the counseling office at school (the one I see is a student). 

On Monday, I went to class for the first time in ages. I had a mandatory activity in the morning, which I always go to regardless, and then I went to my first lecture in weeks. I only went in for the morning, which was a huge struggle in and of itself, as it involved almost everything that gives me anxiety about school, but I made it. I woke up, had half a grapefruit, fixed my hair, put on makeup, and got dressed. I talked to people and socialized and payed attention in class. I did what I am supposed to do. It was hard, I had a mini panic attack in class, I had to lie down when I got home, but I did it. I'm also working four nights this week, which is a lot, so I have planned things accordingly, to try and keep it together. I'm doing my best. That's all that I can do anyways. 

I want to get better, I want to feel better. I want to go back to the way I was before, but maybe I won't be able to. I mean, I have a lot of issues now and I'm carrying around a lot of pain. I have also planned out calories for this week; I'm no longer counting exercise (anyways, I haven't been able to run in ages because I still have bronchitis), just considering what goes in. I have set a maximum of 900 calories per day, which I think makes sense, everything included. So no freebies. My cap total is at 1000, and let's say I'm really starving on a shift at work, I can munch a bit. After all the throwing up that I've been doing in the last few weeks, I think my body needs a break. I also plan on putting my fun and flirty mask back on, since I had used having a boyfriend as an excuse to let myself go and close off. I've never been very good with boys, but I'm getting there. I'm also less shy than I used to be, for a lot of reason, not the least of which is cashiering. Really forces you to come out of your shell. I don't think that I want anything serious to come out of it right now; I just want to have fun. I just want to relax.

I know that this has been a terribly long post and that it hasn't had much structure to it at all, but I think that I wanted to get a lot of things out there. I know that I'm not happy and that I may honestly never really be, but I'm ok with that. I've come to terms with it, I think. I just want to get back to doing things well. I used to do things perfectly, but I think that now I'll settle for well. I'm just trying to get my life back under control, whatever that means.

Love you girls, and thanks again for all the love and support that you have shown me.

P.S. I didn't go to class today, but I will be going tomorrow all day (I have a mandatory activity in the morning) and then I'm working in the evening. Friday as well, I plan on going for (almost) the entire day, as I have a mandatory appointment with a guidance counselor at 2:30. I'm working Friday evening as well. Today, I did some cooking/experimenting; I made a turnip and apple crumble (really yummy, actually, and very easy to make), and a sort of layered fish casserole (it was supposed to be chicken) with taro root, sweet potato, spinach and coconut milk. It was fun to make, I just hope that it will be tasty. I also did some reading today and still have more to do; my objective is to be all caught up by Sunday night, which is doable, as long as I stick to my objectives. Then, I'll just have to stay on top of things and I'll have just under two weeks to prepare for this major final.

1 comment:

  1. Well done on getting to your Monday class. It sounds like a great idea to ease yourself back in. Baby steps :)

    I'm still saddened that Dan broke up with you when he did. I know what you mean about being lonely, and wanting someone reliable to talk to and hold you. But you will be okay.

    I think a new shrink could be a brilliant idea. If you're not getting the treatment you want/need, a second opinion is definitely in order. I'm sorry to hear he said that to you though.

    Your cooking sounds delicious. I'm a fan of making little apple crisps with an oat/brown sugar/applesauce based topping.

    All my love and a great big hug. Keep you head up sweetie <3 xx