Thursday, April 11, 2013

"Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

"I'm not gonna lose you
'Cause the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep you alive

Today marks the birthday of a boy I used to see.

"I can remember the very first time I cried."

He would have been 24.

"How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside."

In five days, it will be the two-year anniversary of his death.

"Do you even know who you are? I guess I'm trying to find."

He killed himself five days after his twenty-second birthday.

"A borrowed dream or a fallen star? I want to be a star."

He suffocated himself with a plastic bag over his head.

"Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell anymore."

Apparently, it takes a lot of strength to do that.

"Constantly pushing the world I know aside."

Two days ago, I went in for an emergency appointment with a counsellor at school.

"I don't even feel the pain. I don't even want to try."

On a depression test, even though I lied, I scored a 78 on a possible 100.

"I'm looking for a way to become the person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen."

Classifying me as suffering from "extreme depression". 

"And you don't know how long you're gonna last."

The doctor said that I couldn't possibly write an exam while being "extremely depressed".

"Like you're trying to scream under water."

So he wrote me a deferral.

"Like you decided that the fight was over for you."

I asked the bf to come over.

"Everyone you know is trying to smooth it over, find a way to make the hurt go away."

He didn't understand anything.

"I'm terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me."

And left me feeling emptier than ever.

"And I don't need a pill to make me numb."

Yesterday, I decided to get drunk.

"And I wrote the book on running, but that chapter of my life will soon be over."

I hardly ever drink, because it hurts too much.

"When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

But, yesterday, I decided that I needed to feel something.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming."


"When everything feels like the movies."

So I played sad music and poured drink after drink and did some cooking.

"Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

I didn't eat anything, just drank and cooked and sang.

"And I can picture it after all these days."

I cut my thumb again by accident.

"And I know it's long gone."

I cried, finally.

"And I might be ok, but I'm not fine at all."

More than I have cried in months.

"I remember it all too well."

I'm not able to cry anymore.

"Sais-tu au moins que tu m'as fait croire qu'il est est encore possible d'être heureux?" (Do you know that at least you made me believe that it is still possible to be happy?)

But, yesterday, I did.

"And there was nothing else I could do."

Big sobbing pain pouring out of my body.

"But I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to."

I sang and cried.

"Maybe we got lost in translation."

And had to fold myself in half from the shear pain of everything.

"Maybe I asked for too much."

I curled up in fetal position on the kitchen floor and just wept. 

"But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up."

I don't even have a reason for all this pain.

"Just to break me like a promise."

I told my roommate to give me her pain, because she doesn't deserve it.

"I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here."

I deserve this.

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it."

I went upstairs and carved "I HATE YOU" into my other calf.

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."

Watched the blood pearl beautifully again.

"Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known."

Then kept singing and cooking.

"Ce soir, ne m'oublie pas." (Tonight, don't forget me.)

I told the bf that I really needed him the night before.

"J'ai voulu prendre le plus grand risque." (I wanted to take the biggest risk.)

He didn't understand what I meant.

"Un soir qui m'a rendue bien triste." (A night that made me very sad.)

He yelled at me on the phone.

"Moi, je suis moins forte que les autres." (I am less strong than the others.)

Then he spoke to my roommate who told him that I was broken.

"Mais j'espère tant te manquer." (But how I wish that you will miss me.)

And then he came over again.

"J'ai la tête remplie de bibites." (My head is full of monsters.

Being with him doesn't make me feel better.

"J'aimerais ça pouvoir me retrouver." (I would love to find myself again.)

He saw my leg.

"So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep."

I asked him if he had seen a ghost.

"Faut aussi savoir s'en aller." (You also have to know how to leave.)

That's what his face looked like.

"I never thought we'd have a last kiss."

He was that scared.

"Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

I am just broken.

"I need your grace."

I can't even cry unless I drink.

"So why did you go away?"

I can't even feel unless I drink.

"But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes."

My soul is torn apart.

"All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss."

I am just broken.

"Take these broken wings and learn to fly."


  1. Oh sweetheart. I'm in tears. I don't have words. I can't imagine what this is like, but my heart is aching for you :-(
    *huge hug* xx

  2. It's like slow motion, reading this. It's like watching clips and it's painful. I wish we even lived in the same country so I could hug you. I love you girl and you are in my prayers.

  3. I'm sending you huge hugs, girl <3 xx