Thanks for your kind comments on my last post. I didn't just mope around all day, thank God. Things have been pretty rocky in the last couple of days. I've been doing strength workouts every day, alternating full-body and ab workouts, so I'm glad that at least that makes me feel sort of productive. I've also been doing a lot of walking, to and from school, and my intakes have been acceptable (not great, but ok), so my nets are alright. Also, after about a month and half hiatus, I managed to go for a run yesterday. It was short, but I ran a lot faster than I thought I would, so it pumped me up afterwards, though I did get that pelvic pain that I have yet to get checked out. In the morning, I had a meeting with that doctor that the Associate Dean mandated me to meet. She was very nice, she told me that it was best to cancel my refereeing course this weekend, which was a difficult decision for me because I've needed this badge for years and I know that I'm letting a lot of people down. She commended me for leaving my toxic home and moving out. I cried a bit which is because I'm exhausted and hormonal, but was very embarrassing. I never cry, especially not in front of people. I don't know what's wrong with me; when I want to cry, in the privacy of my room, I'm too ashamed, but, in front of a stranger, I well up. Stupid. She was very shrink-y, but also very understanding. It's so hard for me to admit that I'm not doing well. Like, so hard. I am mean to myself, I am impatient with myself, I hurt and punish myself. I cannot forgive any failure on my part. She was nice, giving me an out if I feel unable to write the Unit 6 final next week, and telling me that, if I think I will fail, I shouldn't write it, because it will tarnish my academic record.
Anyways. After the meeting, I had a mandatory activity at school, but I felt so sick that, as soon as I got there, I went to throw up. So I did that, then went to the lecture, carefully avoiding sitting next to that guy that I had/have a mini crush on. I went to the activity, did it well, came home. It was so nice out that I wanted to go for a run, so I made myself do all my reading first, then ran and did my ab workout. Wanting to cook, I made a cream of asparagus and mushroom. That's when I started feeling down. My roommate came home, I snapped at her, had to shower and leave in a hurry for a meeting at work, where I had one beer that immediately brought me even more down. I just wanted to come home and get drunk and cry. I didn't though. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed. So now I've decided to go on another cooking marathon, if only to keep my mind off wanting to drink so that I can cry. Recipes for a cream of leek and potato, a lentil curry, and creamy asparagus pasta are all lined up. I might make myself go for a run later. I had so much work to do today, but I just don't feel up to it.
The truth is, I'm terribly lonely. I miss Dan. I miss having someone to hold me, some warm presence. I want to text him, but my roommate's keeping me in check. To be honest, I don't even think that it's him that I miss as much as just someone. My friends are all in exams and I haven't spoken to most of them in weeks. I feel so isolated, so lost, so alone in my head with my racing thoughts. I'm tired of the constant battle. I'm trying to hold on to the positive things in my life, like that I'm getting back into exercising and I haven't binged in a while. So far, this week, all my intakes have been under 1500cal, always with a net under 900. I also got some green coffee bean pills at work, with svetol. I'm taking 400mg before each "meal" (that's the difficult part; what's a meal, exactly?). I've only been taking them for 2 days, so I obviously have no idea whether they're working or not, and I won't be able to weigh myself for a couple of weeks. Have any of you tried them or do you know of anyone who has? We'll see, I guess.
I'm just tired.
I'm just tired.