The gala

A post is long overdue, but I've just been really busy. Finding time and energy has been a challenge.

So, what happened at the gala?

Arriving late, I was kind of left out of my normal group of soccer friends/acquaintances as D. was there talking to everyone. She was being her "public self", which is was I call her when she's trying too hard and being overly exuberant and enthusiastic. I just hung back, not really talking to anyone, until a couple of my friends came over. They decided to leave the table they had originally set up at (with D.) to come to my table as I was all alone. That was nice of them and we had an OK evening, though I was extremely anxious the whole time. D. kept looking over at me from across the room, I felt very isolated, there was too much food, I was so tired... On top of it, I had to submit my paper that night before midnight, and I hadn't sent it in yet. The food was making me feel so sick, but, when I went to the bathroom, one of the girls followed me so I couldn't throw up. I wasn't quite sure why, but I just kept feeling more and more anxious and isolated so, as soon as all the awards were given, I decided to leave. I said bye to my table and made my way to the other table where D. was, because I hadn't gotten the chance to speak to anyone there and I wanted to say goodbye. Also, D.'s sister was there and had won an award, so I wanted to congratulate her. As we had spent the whole weekend together for the referee course a few weeks ago and had had a good time, I thought that she'd be happy to see me. 

As D. saw me approaching her table, she pulled her phone out and started playing with it, "texting" or whatever. I was trying to speak to her sister, but I could tell that D. had said something to her because, though she seemed happy and excited to see me, she quickly "realized her mistake" I suppose and became distant. Regardless, I congratulated her on her award and said that I liked her dress. Without looking up, D. blurted out "I picked it". I said, "Well, good choice, it's very nice, where did you get it?", which she ignored and I had to repeat myself. She answered, not looking up. The whole time, I felt like that loser kid in the movies that no one likes and who tries to talk to people but they mostly pretend that he/she isn't there. I felt awful. I decided to leave, but, just then, D. got up and handed me a bag, saying that it was a birthday gift that she had ordered for me in May but that had only just arrived. Not feeling comfortable accepting it, I tried to politely decline, but she insisted that I keep it, saying that it had my name on it so she couldn't return or keep it. I went outside, realized that it was a rain jacket with my name on it, and went back in, offering to reimburse her for it. Basically, the whole thing was incredibly uncomfortable because she was looking away, playing with her phone, avoiding eye contact. I just couldn't understand why she was making things so difficult. I had hoped that she and I could just talk casually and politely, like acquaintances. I ended up leaving, feeling somehow ashamed and worthless, crying and throwing up when I got home. 

(There was also a lot of stress with my paper on eating disorders, as I had to exclude all of my research on anorexia because it was way too long. If any of you still want to read it regardless, please leave your email address and I'll be sure to send it to you. Again, it's pretty technical and research/biology oriented, so it may not appeal to everyone.)

The next day, I texted her, thanking her for the gift and saying that it was nice to see her, but that I didn't feel that it was right to accept, so if she could please tell me how much it was, I would reimburse her for it. It took her about a day to answer, and I dropped off a cheque at her father's house.

After that, I started to feel bad. I mean, what if bringing the gift to the gala had been some sort of peace offering and she had just been uncomfortable? She very well could have just dropped the gift off at my parents' house and she wouldn't have had to talk to me at all. What if she had brought it to get the chance to talk to me? It was possible that I had just misread her signs, and I really did miss her...

So, on Tuesday, I decided to text her. Here is our exact conversation. The first message is mine.

-Hey, I was just wondering if ever you might like to go grab a coffee sometime..?

-Thanks for the invite but I'm not interested. Maybe another time.

-Well, I meant anytime we're both free, not necessarily today.

-Yeah, I'm not interested.

-Ah. Can I ask why?

-I'm just not interested.

-I thought that you bringing the gift to the gala was a gesture of good faith or something, a way to reach out.

-I brought the gift because I ordered it in May and it only just arrived and I have no use for a jacket that has your name on it.

-I understand that. But you could've just dropped it off at my parents' house. I thought that you bringing it in person was a way to reach out.

-Sorry to mislead you. That was not my intention.

-I'm a bit unclear about something, so, purely out of curiosity, what exactly are you mad at me about?

I don't mean this in a confrontational way, I just genuinely don't know.

-I'm not mad and I don't want to pursue this conversation.

-Well, that's the thing. If you aren't mad and I'm not mad and we were friends for so long and saw each other through a lot and were really good friends, I just thought we could have coffee to catch up. Because you were an important part of my life and I of yours, it just seems a shame to completely burn bridges. I'm not suggesting that we pick up where we left off, just that we grab coffee like two people who knew each other, not to hash things up or kiss and make up. Purely to catch up. Nothing more or less.

-Maybe sometime in the future, but as I said, I'm not interested.

-I'm just not sure what that means.

-It means that I don't want to have coffee and catch up with you at this point in my life.

-I don't understand why.

I understand your decision and respect it, and I won't ask you again, but I would just like to understand why.

She never answered that last one. I know that you are probably reading this and cringing because I am just so incredibly pathetic. You have to understand, though, that I'm honestly hyper-rational, and it's really challenging for me to let go when things make absolutely no sense to me. Some of my friends call me a robot sometimes, because I literally cannot comprehend irrational things most of the time. So this, for example, just makes no sense at all to me. Especially considering that I didn't actually do anything to her. She did it to me. 

Anyways, I feel like a complete loser re-reading this. I know that I seem desperate and stupid and weak, but I just wanted tor each out. I guess that I just have to let go. 

I'm sorry for this really random post and I'm sorry that I've been writing so poorly recently, especially since it's all been about really mundane and redundant things. I know that it's incredibly lengthy and boring and that you all just want me to get over it. So I'm sorry.

Tuesday was also my 1-year anniversary with Dan. I didn't think that we should celebrate since we were broken up for over 3 months, but he insisted and it was absolutely lovely. I was worried that I'd ruin it since I ruined Valentine's day last year, but I luckily didn't.

I apologize again for this completely dull post, and I hope that you all have a great week.

All my love,

Lena xx
P.S. Thank you for your lovely comments on my last post. Sam, I think that it is absolutely hilarious that you think that I have thin legs because they are the number one fattest part of me that I'd trade in a second, but thanks for the laugh.