Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween!

Welcome to my new followers and happy Halloween!
Things have not been going so great, but I'll write about this later. I just wanted to quickly wish you all a great day. I love Halloween but, unfortunately, I will be stuck writing this important review article on the pharmacology of eating disorders. It's actually pretty interesting to learn and write about, but I would have liked to be able to do something tonight. Anyways, if any of you would like to take a read once I'm done, ask and I'll send it to you, no problem. You do sort of need a science background though because I'm dealing with all the neurotransmitters and receptors involved. 
In other news, Dan and I are now official again. And he told me that he loves me. I (sort of) said it back this weekend, but it is a big struggle for me. I don't quite understand love, what it means, what it's supposed to feel like. I didn't grow up being told that I was loved, my parents (especially my dad) never say it to me unless it's like mandatory (in a birthday card, for example), so I don't really know anything about it. Try explaining this to someone, though, and things get messy. Anyways, I'll be doing a post of Dan and on sexuality soon because I'm really struggling and I want to get it off my chest. Also, I've been crying constantly. It's such a foreign thing to me because, before my Nonno's funeral in June, I was too numb to cry at all. Now, in the past few days, I've been crying multiple times per day and having to stop myself from crying in public. Maybe it's just exhaustion (tons of people in my class have been randomly bursting into tears this week), maybe it was PMS (I just got my period yesterday), but I'm really worried that it's depression creeping back in. I mean, I never "lived" my depression this way, it was much more numb, but I know that one of the symptoms can be unexplained crying or the urge to cry. I don't know.
Tomorrow night, I have this soccer gala thing that I go to every year. It's to thank the volunteers and, because I'm a coach, I am always invited. However, I feel really anxious about it this year because, first, I hardly coached because of my Nonno, then Singapore, then the huge fallout with D. So I feel guilty going because I don't feel like a "true" coach/volunteer. Also, D. will be there (probably). I haven't seen her since August, haven't spoken to her in weeks. I've been thinking about her all week, good things, bad things, just wanting to cry every time. I'm filled with regret and guilt and anger and feeling like this all must somehow be my fault. I don't know. Dan is telling me to just completely ignore her tomorrow, but I can't do that for many reasons, one of which is that we'll probably be seated at the same table. Another reason that I'm anxious for this gala is that a lot of our mutual soccer and referee friends will be there, and a lot of them have "coincidentally" stopped speaking to me after this fallout with D. It really hurts me, because I made a point of not telling anyone at all that we had had a falling out, but I'm realizing that she has been talking badly to me to our mutual friends, I know this because these people have stopped contacting me and have stopped inviting me to parties and events. I find it so hurtful, especially considering that no one asked me what had happened. These are not my closest friends, thank God, but they are still people that I saw regularly and hung out with at parties. It just stings. So, all this to say that I'm sort of regretting RSVP-ing to this gala tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't go. There is a mass for my Nonno's death tomorrow night as well. I don't know what to do. At the same time, I want to go to the gala and look strong and beautiful and like I've got it all under control no matter what anyone says or does to me. But I don't know whether I am truly strong enough to do it...
Anyways, this was meant to be a short post, but I guess I ended up having a lot to get off my chest. Here are a couple of pictures, in honor of All Hallow's Eve. The first is a pumpkin I carved of an anatomically correct heart. The second is just one of me rocking some Halloween colors today.
Have a great day!
All my love,
Lena xx


  1. Hi, new follower here. I'm a college student battling with bulimia and...I guess you would call it restriction? (Where I won't eat for a couple of days after a binge & purge.)
    If it's not too much trouble ( since you don't actually know me, and all) I would like to read your paper once you are done: That kind of stuff fascinates me, and I'm taking a health course this term, so I'm learning. Hopefully, the more I learn about eating disorders the stronger I'll get to overcome mine. Thanks:)

  2. That is an awesome pumpkin!
    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so crappy. I used to be the same with my depression, too numb to cry, but in the last few years it's changed and now I cry constantly when I'm depressed. I really hope it's just exhaustion and stress, not depression.
    Good luck with the gala tomorrow, if you decide to go. For what it's worth, you're the better person for not gossiping to your mutual friends. And congrats to you and Dan, I'm glad you guys worked things out.
    Thinking of you dear. Lots of love xx

  3. i'm sorry that things haven't been so great :/
    huh. i might ask you for it. not sure yet...but i'm very swayed by neurotransmitters. you've got me at calcium-mediated vesicle transport!
    oh i know how it's like to live in a household where saying or reminding your child you love them is only mentioned in "mandatory" settings. i do get that and it's not very nice.
    okay. having to stop yourself from crying in public and crying all the time - that. that is my specialty. i know how that feels like and it's not nice at all. especially if people are around. i used to have to leave rooms just to cry and come back. its' not nice at all. i think depression manifests itself in different ways. like sometimes i'm really numb but sometimes i cry loads. it depends. it doesn't take on just "one form" for me. it takes on multiple forms, but in the end, they're somehow interconnected and the same.
    firstly: you're strong enough to do quite a lot young lady and you've reinforced that multiple times. i'm sorry about the whole situation. it sounds messy. i think you know what to do (i think we all somehow know what to do) so just do it. i hope it pans out for you.
    "The first is a pumpkin I carved of an anatomically correct heart." this is how you win my heart ok
    you have such cutesy legs oh my god what are you a faerie

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you and i hope you are doing better xxx