Plans and lullabies

Do you ever sing lullabies to yourself? I catch myself doing it a lot, suddenly just singing softly to myself. It's the only thing that saves me, sometimes. Saves me from myself. I comfort myself out loud, to try to feel less alone. Maybe, if I sing to myself and if I tell myself that everything will be ok, it'll come true. Like a prayer. 

I used to pray. I used to try to find one positive thing about my day and thank God for it. I also used to bargain with God too; please, if you save this person, I will do this for you. It worked, until it didn't. Now, yesterday, I caught myself praying to die. I know that that goes against the whole idea, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't even aware of it at first. 

So I guess that I could say that this week has been up and down. It's worse at night. Darkness settles down, and it brings out this melancholia that washes over and overwhelms me. That's when I realize how truly alone I am. That's when I realize how truly finished I am.

I often get this feeling of impending doom, as well. Yesterday was one of those days. Days where I feel as though I am bound to die any second, minute, hour, day. It was dumb of me to do the groceries on that sort of day, because it made me feel the need to buy tons of food in case I die and my roommate is all alone. And then it made me eat so much food, because I have this feeling that it will all be gone soon. Maybe it's because of all the cycling between fasting, restricting and over-eating. Maybe it cause me to always wonder whether there will be food in the future. But it seems a bit more profound than that, as though my body thinks that it is dying. Well, we are all dying, right? So maybe my body and mind just become hyper-aware of that fact at times. I don't know.

All I know is that, yesterday, I had to sing softly to myself to make sure that I was still alive. And I ate and ate. Today I threw up. It just never ends, goes on and on. Until I die, I suppose. Part of me always wishes that it would happen sooner than later; at least I would get some relief. 

I have a meeting on Wednesday morning with a doctor from the Faculty of Medicine. She is more-or-less directly affiliated with the Faculty, and acts more as an almost-shrink for students in need. The Associate Dean of Medicine "mandated" me to see her, so I don't have much of a choice, but I think that it might be helpful somehow. The problem is that I'm so tired of talking to people.

I also have an appointment with my counselor on Friday. I think that I will ask him to allow me to see someone else, maybe someone with a bit more experience. He is leaving in June, anyways, so I will have to find someone new regardless, but I think that I need more than what he can offer me right now.

My exam is in two weeks, and I'm not exactly close to being ready. I don't know whether I should differ this Unit to August to save me the embarrassment of failing. I suppose that I'll discuss it with the doctor on Wednesday. 

In the meantime, I have made a plan for the week. If you don't mind, I will post it here to make me a bit more accountable. I don't know if I will be able to follow it exactly, but I will most certainly do my best. I am also trying to integrate some workouts in there, to ease myself back into it, especially since I haven't been running in ages (I still have bronchitis) and I'm missing my two first soccer practices of the season because I have to work. Next weekend, I have two full days of refereeing courses, to get a stupid badge that I should have gotten ages ago. It is going to be ridiculous and long and pointless, but I have to do it if I want to maintain the level that I've been at for this coming summer.

Sunday: -make a plan for the week (done)

              - prepare Small Group 5

              - read notes for two lectures (1/2 done)

              - workout

Monday:- go to Small Group 5 (8:30-10:30)

              -  listen to 4 missed lectures

              - work (4pm-8pm)

              - 900cal max

Tuesday:- go to a full day of school (8:30am-4:30pm, 3 lectures, 2 labs) (this might not happen, realistically)

              - work (5pm-8pm)

              - workout

              - fasting day

Wednesday: - meeting with the doctor (10am)

                    - go to 1 lecture (10:30-11:30)

                    - listen to 4 missed lectures

                    - work meeting (8pm-9:30pm)

                    - 900cal max

Thursday: - go to 2 morning lectures (8:30-11:30)

                 - read notes for 3 lectures

                 - listen to 4 missed lectures

                 - prepare Small Group 6

                 - workout

                 - 900cal max

Friday: - go to Small Group 6 (8:30-10:30)

            - go to 2.5 classes (10:30-2)

            - counselor appointment (2-3)

            - work (5:30pm-9pm)

            - go back to my parents' place

            - workout

            - prepare for refereeing course

            - fasting day

Saturday: - ref course (9am-5pm)

               - read notes for 2 lectures
Sunday: -ref course (9am-5pm)

             -prepare Small Group 7

             - go back to apartment

That's the plan. It will be an insane week. Either I'll survive, or I'll die. We'll see.

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my picture-post. It is really appreciated, so flattering to receive all your love :)

Hope your week shapes up better than mine will!

xx