Do you ever feel as though you're looking through a one-way mirror? As though you can see everyone, everything, and what they're all about, but no one can truly see you? I spend a lot of time feeling this way. Without meaning to sound conceited or arrogant, I feel as though I have this ability to read people and to see through them so easily. It is my hope that this will allow me to be a good doctor. But it also leaves me feeling very far away from people, because they are never able to read me quite as well. It's a lonely place, where your thoughts and feelings are so foreign to others that there is simply no way that they would ever be able to comprehend them. You have to filter them out and offer only what people can tolerate, because the rest is just too overwhelming or incomprehensible. Meanwhile, you are able to perfectly understand all that they are living and feeling and experiencing. Does that make any sense?
In other news, the vomiting has gotten worse. Now it isn't just when I feel sick, but it's back to being about the scale. Well, who am I kidding, we all know that it's about so much more than simply losing weight. If asked to psychoanalyze myself, I'd say that it's because I'm trying to have some sense of control, and this gives it to me. Staying in control of my school work, of my schedule, my routine are all proving to be challenges. But I can control this. So I do. (What's the point of seeing a shrink if I already know all these things?)
My first shrink (counselor) appointment since Singapore has been scheduled for this coming Tuesday. The anticipation may very well give me more anxiety than the "therapy" (or whatever) actually removes or eliminates, but I said that I'd give it a (fourth? fifth?) shot, so I will. Not looking forward to it though. If anything, this will be one more shrink that I can break down. It's all a bit unfortunate, really.
So, all in all, the mask is back on, the cracks have been sanded over, no one is the wiser. My pain is nicely tucked away, I'm being friendly with my parents, talkative even, I'm having daily lunches with one of my friends, I'm speaking up in Small Groups at school, I'm attending lectures. Looks like I'm holding it together. I'm getting out of bed (on most days), hanging out with Dan (yes, he's back in the picture), resisting the urge to sleep all the time. I haven't cut since before Singapore, haven't tried to hurt myself since then either. Who knows how long this will all last, but so far so good, so let's keep our fingers crossed.
All my love,
Lena
oh! as per your question - my year is like a 7 year course. I just finished the first year, so now I've got 6 years left~ and yes, I also go to med school. :) I know how you feel about "meeting" people.
ReplyDeletealso, don't worry about not reading back to front. summary: my mood is disorientated all the time :D
"As though you can see everyone, everything, and what they're all about, but no one can truly see you?" oh my fuck. yes.
yes. all of that makes sense. honestly, my thoughts on that is that their inability to understand me is just like: ...oh, wait, this means they didn't go through as much pain as me. i'm pretty damn selfless. I like the thought of people not being in pain. sometimes, you just gotta find a way to fit into your perspective that's logical to your thought process. like take in what you assume is a horrible thing and twist it into a somewhat positive thing. at least, this way you're sort of leaning with doubt when you're in one of those depressive moods and everything just gets to you. that very doubt is the one that keeps you sane to be honest. in my opinion anyway.
I don't fit in with counsellors. the last one I went to was trying to medicate the symptoms of my depression (my lack of appetite, my lack of need to eat or force me to eat due to the ED history I had). she worked around the loss of appetite and the fatigue - well, tried to anyway. i'm just staring at her THOSE ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF THE DISEASE. DO NOT MEDICATE THAT. MEDICATE THE ACTUAL DISEASE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
it is, isn't it?
i'm sorry to hear about the puking, love. it's always hard, really. the scale is the devil that destroys your life and it's not its fault really. it's just a poor box that just plays against gravity. it doesn't mean to hurt you, yet we are hurt by this inanimate object. funny, isn't it?
I hope it does last then. the whole getting yourself out of bed most days, able to socialise, about to just live - it's nice.
i just hope things work out for you. i hope that you can at least stall the self-harm for as much as possible.
-Sam Lupin
Hey hun, good to see you're back.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about the purging... I know what you mean about 'shrinking' yourself. Obviously you know a lot more about psych than I do, but after seeing so many shrinks, I tend to psychoanalyze myself too.
I hope you can keep getting out of bed each morning, studying and socializing. How're things going with Dan? You haven't mentioned him for a while.
I'll be thinking of you this Tuesday when you see the new psych. The pre-appointment anticipation is the worst.
Sending lots of love and a great big hug <3 xx
Yes. All the time. I feel like that's why I will make a pretty decent counselor. I can understand why they do the things they do, how they feel, why, all of it. It's not even something that I work to do, but I also see that people don't work to understand others usually. It's a sad, shallow life for a lot of people. Just keep moving on your side of the mirror. :D
ReplyDeleteI hope you get better dear. It's good you're keeping up better than before.
I love you
In response to your comment: I don't think that's creepy at all. (insane, perhaps, for the sheer boredom you'll probably be subjected to, but mostly very flattering :D)
ReplyDeleteI feel like shrinks are a dime-a-dozen. It's just like finding friends--you have to find one that you really feel you can talk to and not lie to. I went back to my old shrink just over a year ago because she had really helped me in high school, but over the last few months I realized she really wasn't helping... BUT I think I have reached a point where I can say I'm mostly "recovered" as far as the ED. It was most certainly a long hard road out of hell, but it can be done.
Good luck with your shrinkydink!
xoxo