Wednesday, January 02, 2013

So I'm on a short 2 hour shift at work before I head over to my apartment to keep painting. I'm so anxious because tomorrow is the house warming party and we still won't be entirely moved in. And I hate having people over. And my boyfriend won't be there. And people aren't confirming. Grrr, I hate it when people don't confirm! And there will be beer and pizza and I don't want to eat pizza and drink beer. And I wanted to be more thin for this in case my sort-of-ex shows up. And I weighed myself this morning even though I knew that I shouldn't because I had just had breakfast and I was fully dressed (winter coat and all) so it was really dumb and could only lead to disappointment. But, of course, I did anyways and I weighed (uggh, SO embarrassing) 152-153-ish (I don't have an electronic scale, so it lacks in precision quite a bit). Dear Lord. I haven't crept over the 150's in WEEKS. Stupid Holidays, stupid lack of will power, stupid failure, stupid period that wouldn't come and made me eat and eat. I know it's a terrible excuse, but I swear that I become an animal when I'm pms-ing. Like, I will eat EVERYTHING and I will be a total psycho bitch, so watch out world. Anyways, now I'm bloated and full of breakfast and was wearing too many clothes, so I'm hoping that I was actually "only" (ha!) at 150. 

But, seriously, this period thing is a problem. I used to be like clockwork: 27 day cycle, lasted 8-9 days. Now last month my cycle was 32 days and, this month, 35 days, with only 5-6 days of period. But, on top of it (and this is where I go all med student on you, feel free to skip, I just have a lot of anxiety about this), I had some random bleeding 2 weeks after my last period for 2 days. So I thought it was some ovulation blood, which can happen but never has to me, but that would've meant that my next period should be exactly 14 days later (because the luteal phase, after ovulation, lasts exactly 14 days), but it wasn't. It was 19 days after. Which is impossible. Which means that that bleeding wasn't because I was ovulating. So yeah. Now I'm worried. I think I may have endometriosis because I get awful pelvic pain when I go running at certain times in my cycle, I have very heavy periods and now this. I'm seeing my doc on the 7th, so we'll see.

But seeing the doc leads to more anxiety because a) I get anxiety seeing the doc and going over my issues with her and now I have more issues to report but I don't like talking about what happens in my head, so yeah. Then b) we're gonna have to change my meds because they really aren't working at fixing my cabeza problems, but they're the only thing giving me a half-decent amount of sleep right now. And c) if she's gonna test for endometriosis, it's gonna involve parts of me getting naked and I have HUGE issues with getting naked and with people touching me, in general (how this works out with the bf I will explain some other time because I am getting anxiety just thinking about it), so I'd much rather just swab myself and give her the sample, which I know she will never agree to. So yeah. Doc = stressssss. Plus I know that she will be disappointed in me. She's a resident so we talk about school a lot and she really likes me and stuff and I just feel bad showing up there with more issues that I just didn't tell her about. Because I know that she will feel bad that she didn't realize them before and that will make me feel bad because I know that I'm really good at hiding things so it's not her fault. Cue the guilt. Ok. Exhale. Rant. Over. Sorry guys.

On another food-related note, today's day 3 of the HSGD for Lucie and I (yay!) and I didn't purge yesterday! Go me, haha (Eve, if you're reading this, I hope you're proud of me :p) So here's what I've eaten so far (it's noon now):
  • Orange juice (110cal)
  • 2 tbs cottage cheese (17cal)
  • Oka cheese (60cal)
  • Poached egg (71cal)
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast (80cal)
  • 2 ferrero rocher (I know, terrible. 145cal. Like, this and the orange juice are killing me. Why is orange juice so high cal?!)
Total: 484cal (there are some .5's in there that my online calorie tracker adds up) minus the 110 from the orange juice so 374cal. Not too bad so far. Just gotta keep at it!

And, finally, just a thought. Is it normal that, if I had my way, I would just sit in front of the computer all day not eating and not moving just reading all of your blogs? I feel like voyeuristic or something, I just love reading about your lives, which is why I always start blogs from the beginning. I know, I'm probably insane. But I'm dreading going back to school and not having the time to discover more blogs. Pathetic? Yes, surely. Sigh.

At least I am in somewhat of a better mood now that I'm not pms-ing. Silver lining, right?

Anyways, have a good day/evening!

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