Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Twenty Thirteen

So a whole new year. Apparently. It all seems kind of foggy to me, but that's how everything feels now. I can't believe that 2012 has come and gone. I can remember everything that has happened. It has been a pretty difficult year, with lots of downs. But, hey, twenty thirteen can only get better, right?

I think I'm going to start the HSGD for real today. Lucie posted about it too here. I'll just start on the Tuesday, I suppose, so 800cal today, minus fruits and veggies. I'm 3 hours into my shift at work (9 more to go, yay, not, haha), and here's what I had for breakfast:
  • Pineapple juice (90cal)
  • Banana (100cal)
  • Natural peanut butter (180cal)
So that's 370cal, minus the fruits, so 180cal of peanut butter. I've only brought clementines and an orange to work and I could potentially buy a veggie soup if ever I get cold/hungry. I would ideally like to keep my intake as low as possible for today as I have eaten like a pig in the last week or so and I feel like I need to let my digestive tract catch up a bit. I also have binged and purged multiple times per day in the last week, and it's starting to take a toll on my I think. My parotid glands are so swollen, I look like a chipmunk. I feel sick immediately after I eat anything and my body is so used to throwing up that every time I even bend over after I've eaten I vomit a bit in my mouth (disgusting, I know, I'm just trying to be honest). So I think that some good old restricting will give my whole system a break and allow it to repair the damage I've done. And writing here will force me to be liable to you. So that's good too.

I also got a chance to weigh myself (at last) this week, though it wasn't first thing in the morning as I like. Anyways, I weighed 148-149lbs, which is terribly embarrassing (especially since you are all so skinny!), but isn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. At least I'm still below 150. I would like to be at most 135lbs by Valentine's Day, which is a totally arbitrary date, but it's a nice exact 45 days. This will be also the first year that I may have someone to celebrate with. So I think that that will be my objective for the next 6 weeks or so. I don't know whether this is and under- or over-estimation as I have never really had set goals in my wanting to lose weight. I'll adapt as I go, I suppose.

In other news, my roommate and I have started painting our apartment! We have to get as much done as possible by the 3rd as we are having a house-warming party that night. I am terribly nervous as I don't enjoy having people over, in my space, looking and judging. Plus my ex might be there and my boyfriend might not. It's not a problem, I have too much pride to ever let anything happen even if I (or he) wanted it to and I don't even know whether or not he's coming for sure, but every time I see him I hurt a little. At the same time, I want him to come and see me. I have lost about 15-20lbs since we were "seeing each other" and I don't know whether you can tell or not, but I still want to stick it to him how well I'm doing (on the surface) without him, not just in this aspect, but in every aspect of my life (I really do seem to have everything in control and to be doing so well. My shrinks, etc are really surprised by how good a front I keep up). Plus, the last time he saw me was at my birthday, where I had a meltdown (he didn't witness that, thank God), but I was being pretty passive-aggressive with him. Anywaaays.

I am super anxious about moving out. Like, terrified. I despise change. And my home, my room, they're all I've ever known. Sure, I lived with my grandparents for 2 years, but I always knew that it was temporary. Realistically, I know that I will have to move out next year anyways once I start my rotations in the hospitals as I live much too far to commute, but I just am so sad to leave. I feel so guilty, too. I feel like my mom still needs me and that things could be fixable with her. I'm so mean to her because I don't want to show any emotion, any weakness, but I'm so not ready for this and it terrifies me. I don't know if I can do this. I'm so unwell in my head and I'm just finally admitting it and now I have to pack my things and leave everything that I have ever known and pick up tons of new responsibilities for which I just don't feel ready. I'm terrified. I hate change.

I know that this post is all over the place. There has just been a lot of change in my life in the past year. But it's a New Year now, time to start fresh I suppose. 

I know this post is pretty lengthy, but wanted to answer your lovely comments on my last (depressing) post. I haven't really figured out what's the best way to answer comments yet. If you have any suggestions to give me, that would be great. I appreciate the support and kind words so much, I really do.

Lucie: That's a great idea. I used to write a lot, poetry and that sort of stuff, but I have sort of fallen out of the habit. Once I'm settled in my new place, I think I will buy some kind of notebook to write in a little. I think it will help. In the meantime, writing here really does help me sort things out in my head a bit. Thank you for your support and suggestions! :) xx

Penny: Yes, I love exercise and I usually do a ton of it (I normally run 3-5 times a week, plus a weekly soccer/football (depending on what side of the pond you're from) game and a weekly soccer/football coaching session), but there has been a sort of lull in my exercise habits as all my running routes are iced and snowed up, soccer/football is on hold for the Holidays, and I don't have anywhere to run indoors while I am in the process of moving out. I totally agree, though, I love exercise, it really helps me clear my thoughts, and I definitely can attribute my current state of mind to a lack of it. I also very much appreciate your kind words, it's nice to feel less alone. Thanks for your comment! :) xx


  1. I always feel that way too, about everyone being skinnier than me and I feel even worse when they're jealous that I have so much determination because obviously not if I'm so fat. You and I are literally the same! I'm 5'8" and 149 so I feel ya girl :) Don't be too anxious. You have an amazing career ahead of you.

    <3 Eve

    1. Hi Eve, thanks for your comment! I'll be checking out your blog from the beginning while I'm at work today :)
      I know, I totally understand. I mean, I feel huge next to most of my friends because I'm taller and I have bigger bones and muscles and obviously more fat. I don't have a slender frame to begin with, but, geeze, this is just terrible. But here's to 2013 and starting fresh, we can do it :) Thank you so much for your support. xx

    2. I'm glad you read it and liked it! (And didn't think I was too crazy :P) I get back to school on Sunday so I'll be catching up on more of yours. I know I write a lot haha that's the usual response but hey, when I get a thought I write it then. I hope you have a great new year and I look forward to see how it goes for you too!

  2. Hello fellow diet buddy hehe :) I started at 900 calories today and realised its bloody Tuesday so have got the day wrong (stupid me haha). Its pretty hard when I am used to binging all the time and purging but I think surely if I can do this then I might stop purging so much because I will feel better. I SO know what you mean about being sick in your mouth and feeling sick after you eat anything. I find anti-acid tablets help for that a bit :) I am a bit fussy and only like the pink strawberry ones so pick them out and leave all the other colours :/ By the way don't say your huge cos you weigh under 150lbs!! I weigh 178lbs :O Thats shocking!! I put it all on due to medication and a abusive ex boyfriend. I used to comfort eat a lot :(
    We can do this girlie :) So glad your on board yay!! xxxxxxx

  3. Oh I was meant to say I think the calories go up and down I believe due to making it trick your metabolism as its going up and down. I know thats the case with the ABC diet but thats too extreme for me hence why this one has the same concept but more calories so you won't go into starvation mode. Lots of Love xx

  4. Hey E! :)!
    Just read your entire blog too and it seems you're struggling a bit. As you know we can all relate!
    I really hope you get to 135 by valentines day :)
    Also we are a lot like. Keeping people at distance and being somewhat numb .

    Hope your okay.

    Xx Jo :)