Pain and Prayers.

My grandfather, my Nonno, suffered a massive stroke today. He is completely paralyzed on his right side, and cannot speak. My beautiful, strong Nonno can only look up and make a half smile from his hospital bed, grasping our hands in his left one, still stronger than any of us. Half his face is sunken and expressionless, while the other half tells the entire story. I am sleeping at my Nonna's tonight, so that she isn't alone, but she is truly the bravest of us all.

It's as though part of me knew that this would happen; I spent all of yesterday and Friday wondering what I would do if he were gone.

Tonight, I truly feel the ache of my loneliness. There is no shoulder for me to cry on.  

Dear Lord, why do you cause us so much pain? Life, why do you kick those that are down?

As my Nonna keeps saying, "La strata è lunga." There is a long road ahead.

Child be still.

"If the darkest hour comes before the light,

Where is the light?

How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?

Help me

Let go of the chaos around me

The devil that hounds me.

I need you to tell me

Child be still."

Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia

Ok. This will be a rant. Consider yourselves warned.

I cannot stand all of this "pro-Ana" "pro-Mia" BS. I just can't. I don't know how to explain it, how to put into words how absolutely unfathomable it is to me that anyone would see this as some sort of diet. That teenage girls are going around trading secrets on how best to purge, restrict and camouflage it all from their parents. There is no being "pro" bulimia. No one wants to be bulimic. You don't choose it, you don't decide it. In the same way that you don't choose or decide to have cancer or pneumonia or schizophrenia or depression. You want to know what it's like to have bulimia? Well, here's what it's like for me.

Today, I didn't even go on a full-blown binge, but I ingested over 1000 calories in one sitting. When I go on a "real" binge, it's 2, 3, 4, 5 times that. That's what bulimia is. It's shoveling spoonful after spoonful of food into your throat, not tasting any of it. Just cramming it all in to fill some sort of gaping hole in your heart. It's uncontrollable. It's overwhelming. It's the best way of punishing yourself, of hurting yourself from the inside out. It's like wanting to make yourself explode, wanting your insides to explode so that maybe it will somehow numb all the pain that you're feeling. It's not attractive, it's not sexy. But it's stronger than you.

Like I said, usually, I have much more than that. Today wasn't even a "binge" per se, more of my one meal for the day. But I felt so sick afterwards. That's what happens. You get so used to throwing up, that even the smallest amount of food makes you feel sick. Suddenly, it doesn't matter what you are eating, where, when or why; it all just wants to come up. Your body rejects it because that's what you've taught it to do. It's a battle to keep anything down at all. Even water. Drinking water makes me nauseous. Sometimes, I have to throw it up. Not because I want to lose weight, not because water frightens me; because my body doesn't know what to do but vomit what I put into it.

So it's a battle. Every single time I eat something. It is a godforsaken battle to not run to the toilet. Even if I'm with people, even if I'm out, even if I've thoroughly enjoyed what I've just eaten and it wasn't over the top and I wouldn't mind keeping it down. It's stronger than me. Do you think that that's glamorous? Do you think that it's pleasant? It's not. Nothing about it is.

It isn't control. It may start off as a form of control, but, soon enough, it dictates how you do things, what you eat, when you do. When I throw up, it isn't controlled. I'm getting pretty "good" at aiming and all that, but, sometimes, it comes in violent heaves that end up everywhere. On the toilet rim, on the toilet seat, on my face, on the floor, on my feet. It gets into my nose, which starts to run, and tears slide down my face and into the toilet. That's because the nerve that controls vomiting also controls your tears. 

After, my gums are bleeding, my teeth are tingling. I blow my nose, and coloured gunk comes out. I brush my teeth, examine my red gums, wash my face. My skin is dry, my lips crack, my throat hurts, and my voice is raspy. While I'm bent over, I grab my thighs, to prove to myself that, at least, this has some sort of purpose. After, I stand in front of the mirror and examine what I've done. Classy, huh?

I understand why this may appeal to some. And I understand that not all those that have bulimia are like me. Some need to stick their finger down their throat. I don't. It all comes up on its own. 

This is not some special club. Older girls should not be "educating" younger ones about this, making it out to be some sort of chosen lifestyle. No, you didn't choose it. You may choose not to seek treatment, but that's not the same. 

I am a medical student. I will be a health care professional. It would be hypocritical of me to condemn the actions of anyone that engages in this behaviour, but it doesn't mean that I will condone it. And I sure as hell won't tell young girls how to become like me in this respect. 

I would love to be a role model, but not for this. Ask me how to study, ask me for tips and tricks on learning things, ask me how to be a strong woman, ask me how to fight for things that are good and just. I want to be a strong female role model. That's why I coach girl's soccer. That's why I always stand up for myself. That's why I did karate. That's why I'm a soccer referee. I will never stand for injustice. I will never stand for someone thinking less of me for being a girl. 

This is what we should be teaching girls. Not how to bow to the porcelain thrown. We should teach them to hold their heads up high and to be strong. We are a community of girls, of women, and we owe it to each other to be strong for one another in times of hardship, to help pick each other up when we're down. We all have different lives and live in different cities, but we have much more in common than disease. 

I just want to remind you all that you are beautiful. More than just your bodies, you are defined by your thoughts and your hopes and your dreams. More than what you look like, you are defined by what you do. So, today, just let me tell you that you are beautiful, inside and out. Give yourself a break, even if it's just for today. Find something in you that you find inspirational. Think of something that you do or have done that makes you proud. Your worth is not dependent on the number on the scale. You are wonderful.

Have a gorgeous weekend.

All my love,

Lena xx

Pissed.

It has come to my attention that yesterday's annoyance that I had with my roommate is actually an accumulation of a whole bunch of stuff and is turning into full-blown resentment. It's that time again, the one where I need to take a break from her or I'm gonna be really, really mean. So I told her to please not talk to me tonight, I just know that I'll blow up if she does. I'm exhausted, worked all of today, am constantly throwing up everything... I did manage to go for a run, which was good, because I've been sticking to it. Anyways, tomorrow is going to be a very long day, so I need to try to get some rest tonight. I didn't get any at all last night because I was waiting up for her, and then she kept getting up to pee, which would invariably wake me from my half-sleep. All this to say that I'm in a really sucky mood and I just want tomorrow to be over because it will be grueling. Nothing like starting a new unit with a 12-hour day. Way to ease myself into it -.-'

Boys

Ok, I have to admit something horribly embarrassing to you. A little over a year ago, I went through this pretty bad break up thing. To help boost my ego and get me out of my misery, my now-roommate-then-onlyreally-good-friend created a profile for me on a dating website. It was all good fun, flirting from the comfort of my room, and I met a few guys. I finally did the whole "dating thing", which I had never really done before. I know it's pretty pathetic, but this is where I met Dan. Which explains why we had absolutely nothing in common. But that's another story.

Anyways, now, when Dan and I broke up, my roommate decided that I should reopen my account, and that she would create her own. She's been pretty much having as much fun with it as I did last year, but I haven't. I've come to realize that I've become so cynical, so judgmental and so unimpressed by people, on top of having a hell of a lot less patience to deal with idiots, pervs and losers than I had last year. I know that it sounds me, but I'm calling it as I see it. Anyways, all this to say, that I've been less than impressed by the boys that I have spoken to, and it's just making me feel crummy.

Fast-forward to right now and to the reason why I'm posting. My roommate is on a date. Which is fine, I'm very much happy for her, but I thought that we were going to spend tonight hanging out together and stuff. I just feel really pathetic, because I basically only have her, and have absolutely no one to fall back on if she ditches me. And, at the same time, I feel selfish because, all those times that I went on dates or was with Dan, she was super supportive. If it makes any sense, that's kind of why I'm annoyed; she didn't even bother to tell me that she was going on a date. The times that I went out, she helped me get ready and figure out what to wear and all that. I know it's incredibly dumb, I just feel weird. I know, I know, I'm being stupid. Ok, Lena, get over it and move on.

In other news, ran again today, which was good, except that I keep getting that freaking pelvic pain every time I go. I think it's endometriosis, but I'm too embarrassed/absolutely hate getting touched to let my doc do a gyno exam. I know. Pathetic. 

To add to my list of things-that-make-me-pathetic, I'm ridiculously excited to be getting my scale soon, haha. I just want it to be here already! :p

Food-wise, things have been ok, though I've been throwing up a lot. It's a problem, because even about a cup of water makes me feel sick, so I'm forced to drink it very slowly, or else I find myself vomiting water, which isn't fun at all. I got this sample of a meal-replacement smoothie at work, only 123 calories with 50% of the daily recommended vitamins/minerals, 1.5g of omega 3, 25% of the daily recommended fibre, 15g of protein, etc, etc. If I like it, I may get a bunch at discounted prices at work and just live off that. That's like my dream, haha

Anyways, I hope that your Saturday night is much more fun than mine is turning out to be. I might just go do some reading for this new Unit. What a nerd, huh? :p

Good night ladies!

xx

New beginnings

Ok. Today was actually an ok day. I ran, planned, worked out a bunch of stuff, made appointments, dyed my hair (red again), and went to work. The only bad part is that we have this thief at work that keeps coming back, and he came in today and left before we could call the cops. Stupid. Grr. 

Anyways, here's the plan. I'm leaving for Singapore in 51 days. I think that, until then, I should realistically be able to lose anywhere between 15 and 25 pounds. At least, that's the objective. I'm going to try to go back to what I was doing before the holidays that went so well and got me down to my lowest weight in years (still my higher than all of your weights, but anyways...). Before the Holidays, I was finally starting to feel a bit more comfortable with my body, and people were noticing the change. I want that feeling again. So bad.

I don't want to be unhealthy about it either, so I'm just going to do my best, cut down portion sizes, avoid binges, and listen to my body. At least, that's the plan.

As a secondary objective, I would like to get back to my old level of running fitness, which was at its peak before the Holidays as well. They both go hand-in-hand. So I want to get back to running religiously and progressively increasing my distances. Before I leave for Singapore, I want to be able to run 10k straight again, and I want to accumulate, over the 51 days, a total of 150k. It's doable. 

I haven't been able to truly make objectives and feel confident about them in a long time. But I want this to work, I believe that it can.

As for my week, here is the schedule:

Saturday (tomorrow): run, cook fennel soup, do some reading, work 3pm-8pm.

Sunday: run, read, work 2-7

Monday: class 8:30-4:30, work 5-8, run.

Tuesday: class 8:30-2:30, hospital visit with the patient that I'm shadowing at 11 (meaning that I'll miss one class), run, coach 6-7:30.

Wednesday: family doc apt 8:30, ENT apt 9:30 (meaning that I'll miss 2 classes, at least), class 10:30-2:30, meeting with my shadowing group, run.

Thursday: class 9:30-4:30, run.

Friday: class 8:30-3:30, run, reading for the following week.

Saturday: coaching 10:30-12, run, work 3-.

It isn't quite as packed and hectic as the last few weeks have been so, if I go to bed at a reasonable time, it should work out ok. I can do this. Right? Right.

I also forgot to mention that, Wednesday, I went back to my parents' house for about 15 minutes for a shower after my soccer practice, and there was a huge blowout with my dad. I don't think that I've ever written about it, but my dad and I have major issues with each other. Anyways, things got super ugly and I ended up crying when I was back with my roommate (dudes, what's wrong with me these days, I'm always freaking crying, and in front of people on top of it!!). So, all this to say that I don't plan on going back home for a very long time. 

But, now, I'm feeling a little positive for the first time in ages. It's a fresh start, a blank page. I get to decide how it turns out.

Scale and resolve

I have finally ordered a scale for the apartment. I think that that was part of the reason that I was much more successful before I moved out than I have been since then; I could weigh myself every day and get the immediate feedback on whether I had lost or gained, making it more easy to keep myself in check. I want to be pretty for when I go to Singapore, in July, so that is less than 2 months away. Well, I don't think that I could ever be pretty-pretty, but I'd like to just feel a little bit better about myself... Anyways, it should be coming in next Wednesday and, then, it's on. I've got to get serious about this, tracking my intakes properly and weighing myself. It would be so great if I could drop about 15 pounds before leaving, especially since I know that I will be eating so much amazing food over there. I just want to look ok in a bikini :( I just have to focus and get back on track... Maybe I'll look back at what I was doing before the Holidays, to get an idea of what worked. This is a new Unit starting up, a new month, a new season. It's time and I deserve it.

Welcome

Oh, I hadn't noticed before, but I have a few new followers. I'm very much humbled  by the fact that anyone would want to read this nonsense. Anyways, I just wanted to welcome you :)

In other news, I am so ashamed because my butt has re-inflated to its absolutely ginormous size. To be fair, I've always had a big bum and so do all the women on my mom's side. To give you an idea, I've been told that it's a black-butt. Which is fine, except that I'm white. So it's just huge. People actually comment on it all the time, it's a disaster. Sigh. It looks terrible in shorts and I've been having to leave the house a lot in the last couple of days, so I'm just really embarrassed to have people look at me... :S

I've been getting a lot done though, in the last few days, so that's been great. I did some cooking today and yesterday, made a zucchini lasagna and that turnip-and-apple bake again today. I've been having that sense of impending doom all day, though, so I have been pretty jumpy and anxious. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but I'm dreading the fact that I will be working every day for the next 4 days. I'll try to post a schedule of my upcoming week sometime tomorrow. A new Unit (number 7, on the immune system) is beginning on Monday, and I really do have every intention of attending classes. My roommate is on break now, so she has decided to make it her mission to guarantee that I attend class. Hopefully, it will work out and I won't get the urge to murder her in her sleep...

Have a nice evening/day ladies!

xx

Lots of stuff has been going on. I've decided to defer this Unit to August, which has given me a bit of time to get my shit together this week. At least, that's what I'm trying to do. I also just "dumped" my shrink today, by email. I wanted to switch last week, but he told me that I was giving up and that I should think about it and that I always bail on relationships when they get tough, blah blah. So, I've thought about it, and I've decided that, if the guy hasn't managed to help me in nine months, a couple more won't change anything (he's leaving at the end of June anyways). So, yeah. Food-wise, things have been a pretty big disaster. I'm trying not to count calories, just eat when I'm hungry, but I've been having trouble keeping anything down at all. I've been running and I had my first soccer practice outdoors yesterday, as well as coaching my girls outdoors for the first time this season on Tuesday. My life is super hectic, still, but I'm just trying to use this mini-break to get things in order. I went to see the psychiatrist that I saw a bit before and after the Holidays because I needed a doctor's note to defer the Unit. I'm also seeing a family doc next week, for this stupid bronchitis and to get some more/some new happy pills. We'll see. It won't be my usual doc as she's away for the month of May, but maybe he'll be nice anyways. I also have an ENT appointment next week because I perforated my ear drum a few months ago, so they just want to check it out and see if it has healed nicely. I'm sure it did. Anyways, I know that this post is sort of all over the place, but I'm trying to figure things out. It's been getting nice and warm out, so I've taken my shorts out, but I just feel fat in them and had to tape up my leg to hide my mucho obvious scars. Oh dear. Anyways, wishing you all a lovely end to this week! xx 

P.S. I've still been reading, though I haven't been commenting very much!