Wednesday, October 09, 2013

"This is when the feeling sinks in
I don't want to miss you like this
Come back.
Be here."

Last night was a bad night.
Today is a bad day.
Exam in exactly one week.
Haven't started reviewing anything at all.
Brain going round and round.
Ping pong balls of thoughts.
Flying and bouncing and giving me no peace.
My beautiful Nonno.
How I miss him.
He said he couldn't die until he attended my wedding.
That will never happen.
He will never see me graduate medical school.
I will never make him proud.
God, I miss him.
The worst was when they closed the coffin.
All I could think was that he wouldn't be able to breathe.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this without him.
He was the one sure thing.
And now he's gone.
I'm so tired.
I just want to cry and sleep forever.
Please leave me be.
But I can't.
This stupid exam. 
I couldn't care less.
Just leave me be.
Just let me drift away.
To a painless place.


  1. it's a waiting game for me
    the second i figured you had depression, the minute i was waiting for your mood to plummet (unfortunately, it's bound to happen, is it not?) sorry about that love x
    my exam is also in one week! though it's only 5% of my grade this one, then i have another one that is 5% of my grade, then i have one that is 90% and that's about the worst thing you could do to me fuck
    it's an MCQ. i hate multiple choice questions so much. i could get a full mark on short answer questions believe it or not
    i bet you've made him proud already
    "All I could think was that he wouldn't be able to breathe." this actually killed me to read lovely
    sleep honey. just sleep. and hopefully when you wake up you'll feel better. i'm hoping you do sleep because you've been complaining about insomnia
    please don't try anything rash again
    i'm sorry
    i am still so sorry for your loss it's not hard it's the hardest thing you might have to do
    but you're a strong girl and i believe that you can
    i love you.
    take care of yourself.
    you're not worthless. you're not useless. and i wish i can take away the exhaustion.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i do love you. please do take care of yourself. this is such a worrying post, sweetie.

  2. Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so bad. Your Nonno obviously meant the world to you, that much has been apparent for a long time. As Sam said, I bet you've already made him proud. I know what it's like to want to cry and sleep forever, to just want to drift away. I'm there now and it's a horrible place to be. Is there anyway you could postpone the exam, take it in a few weeks?

    Love you dear. You're in my thoughts <3 xx