Tuesday, October 15, 2013


Exam tomorrow. Didn't do much today, but cracked down this weekend and managed to get through all 50 lectures. I don't know if I'm ready, but it's 10pm and I've stopped caring. My rationalization: it's only worth 22% of my overall grade, I only need 55% on it to not get into any trouble, and my brain randomly retains things. So it should be ok. In the end, even if I don't get that 55%, I'll just get into sort of trouble, I think. Can you hear my brain rationalizing from where you're reading this? I've also made a post-midterm plan of how to better study for the final. I think that it should work out better than what I've been doing until now. But, honestly, I'm so much better school-wise than I was last semester, so I'm trying to have faith. I'm just anxious because I failed the last exam I wrote (this retake exam in August before school started) and I had to retake it. It was the first time I failed anything in my life, and it put me on sort of probation with the Associate Dean. Anyways, that's another story, but it's just making me anxious that I haven't written and passed an exam in a while.

After that, I'm going to a hospital not too far away to interview a patient (yes, a real live one, lol), then I have that UN thing that I do. I might also force myself to go to the post-midterm party, if only because I've never been to one of my class parties and I feel like I'm such a loner. Realistically, it probably won't happen because those sorts of things stress me out too much, but I'm keeping my options open. The UN guys might want to grab a beer too, so we'll see. 

I'm going to be exhausted. But I've been telling myself that it's just one day. That's what I've started telling myself when I can't sleep and/or I've got a big day ahead and/or I feel overwhelmed: it's just one day. That's all I can do, right?

Shrinky appointment on Thursday. Not really down, but whatever. Again, it'll be ok.

Mood and food and sleep have all been bad. I've had my first few binges in a couple of months. Nothing insane (so always under 1000cal at a time, never really over 2500cal in a day), but still. I can sort of feel myself sinking into old moods and hurts, and I'm not quite sure how to stop it from happening. I think that it has a whole lot to do with my sleep cycle being ruined since that roadtrip with Dan. Not that I'm blaming him at all, but I just really need to reset my sleep to get back to a good place, I think. It's amazing the impact that sleep, or the lack of it, has on how I'm feeling.

My Nonna came over for (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. It was hard because all she talked about was my Nonno. Honestly, I love her, but I just can't talk about him that much. I need to talk about him in small doses, only when I'm ready. I feel terribly guilty about it, because I know that she needs me right now, but I'm just not strong enough to do it. I'm a terrible person, I know.

Anyways, this post is sort of all over the place, sorry about that. I hope you all had a lovely weekend.

All my love,
Lena xx


  1. Yep, I can hear your brain ticking away all the way down under.
    Seriously though, good luck with your exam. I know you're anxious, but it will be okay in the end.

    I'm sorry you found Thanksgiving so difficult. It doesn't make you a terrible person for struggling to talk about your Nonno. We all grieve in different ways; there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way about it. When you're ready to talk about him, you'll talk.

    Keep going one day at a time. I believe in you, and I love you <3 xx

    1. Just thought I'd let you know that you were right on the money with my antidepressants; my GP's put me on Wellbutrin/Zyban, mostly because it'll also help me quit smoking *fingers crossed*
      Love you. Hope your exam went okay xx

  2. good luck with your exam. ours is on the 20th. then i have another one on the 17th of Nov. then i have another one until the end of my life oops.
    my exams - we have ones that are 5% of my grade, 5% and the last one is 90%. yeah. i'm freaking out this way on a 5% of my grade type of exam. what am i going to do with the 90% one?
    i can hear your brain omg do i hear your brain
    you can do with a 55%. the thing is i know i can drop studying right now and go to the exam (it's a multiple choice) and guess my way through it but the problem with that is that i have that 'OH I NEED TO GET ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ON EVERYTHING' complex that i must get rid of. trying hard. not working.
    oh my god you poor thing
    that is literally me worst nightmare (aside from weight gain i mean) is just that having to do a retake exam.
    yeah. i like the second paragraph. sounds nice. i hope whatever you end up doing that you enjoy yourself in! :3
    that's...an interesting prospect. that whole 'it's just one day' thing. huh. should put this into perspective.
    i think that toying with anyone's sleeping habits has a direct effect on their eating habits as well
    you're not a terrible person. people can only take so much and if you have to wait until you can talk about him, then you have the right to. the way a person copes doesn't make them a terrible person (unless you're burning people to cope then...)

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you. good luck on your exam. as for me, i am putting my lipids away for one day in hopes to go out top shopping!