Saturday, December 29, 2012

I hate me, that bitch.

I feel so awful. My parents keep buying me things. I know that they mean well, but they have hurt me so much in my life that I am overwhelmed right now and don't know how to react. They say that I'm ungrateful, and maybe I am. Which in turn just fills me with more guilt and more resentment towards them. I know that it sounds insane and that I sound like a spoiled brat. I feel like a spoiled brat. I hate feeling this way. At the same time, all this stuff just can't make me feel better towards them. But I need these things. So it's all twisted inside of me and I just feel horrible. And we fight and fight and I don't know what to do anymore because I know that I'm being ungrateful. But, at the same time, I don't want to have to thank them for anything. Everything that I have ever gotten or achieved in my life was thanks to my own sheer willpower and sweat and tears. I don't like saying thank you and I especially don't like saying thank you to people who hurt me my whole life. Does this make any sense? Am I just a brat? God, I feel terrible, so torn inside. I have just never been able to say thank you to them. It feels like weakness, it feels like I'm exposing myself and being vulnerable and bending over in front of the king so that he can chop my head off. I'm definitely insane, but that's just how it feels. God.

On a calorie note, yesterday was a total disaster. I was sick at work and then got home and ate tons because I was starving and empty inside and just needed to feel like I would explode. Again, I know that I sound insane, but that's what I need sometimes. I need to feel like the gaping hole inside of me is being filled with something and all I can fill it with is food. Such a stereotype. That's all I am now, an angsty spoiled brat of a child who replaces love with food. Wow. What a cliche. I'm pathetic. Anyways, here's today's breakdown:
  • 1/2 glass of orange juice (55cal)
  • Banana (100cal)
  • Natural peanut butter (180cal)
  • Candied ginger (estimating 100cal)
  • 2 smoked-meat sandwiches (estimating 460cal)
  • Endive salad (ate almost none, estimating 10cal)
Total: Under 1000cal, give or take a few. I think I might go throw up now, because I'm trying to resist the urge to carve the word BITCH into my calve like I do sometimes. I know I'll regret it if I do it and I still have the shiny scars from last time.  I think puking will be less destructive long-term, though it will definitely not make me feel as good immediatly. Anyways. I'm just a fucking cliche, it's killing me.

I'm sorry. Not only do I feel guilty like hell today, I feel guilty for making whoever is reading read this. Like, you don't know me, you shouldn't have to deal with my mental crap. God. Fucking hell.

Anyways, I'm sorry.

Oh. And did I mention that I fucking miss my ex so bad right now that I think my heart just might explode out of my chest? Yeah, that's right, this is someone I was "seeing" for 5 months LAST FUCKING YEAR and I have now had a boyfriend for nearly 2 months, stopped seeing the other guy just about a year ago and I can't fucking let go. And my boyfriend is just the sweetest ever, would never hurt me or treat me like the other guy did, and yet I'm just weak and stupid and selfish and masochistic and I just can't stop thinking about the other guy. And it fucking hurts so bad. I want to cry but I am physically unable to cry anymore, haven't cried in 5 months because I just can't anymore. My shrink says that I won't let myself and maybe he's right, but I want to so bad. I wish I could cry. I wish I could get some relief. But I don't feel anything but a dull permanent ache in my heart and in my head and my mind shredding to bits. That's all I feel. That and I feel myself slowing losing my mind and dying inside. And I need to free myself somehow from it all but I just can't. So, yeah, not only am I the worst daughter in all of history, but I am also the worst fucking girlfriend. I want to tear off my skin and crawl out of it and be free of everything, but I can't. I fucking hate myself so much, which is just another cliche, I know, but I really do. I just want to tear myself away from me. I'm so tired. So tired of everything. Listening to All Too Well by Taylor Swift on repeat, thinking of my ex while my bf is texting me to say that he misses me and I just feel like the worst bitch ever. These are the times that I just want to let go of myself and disappear, disintegrate into the universe. God. Why can't I just have some peace in my mind? Is that too fucking much to ask? Just some quiet?

Again, I'm sorry.


  1. Hun, sounds like your going thru a confusing and hard time :( I really hope things get better for you. Have you thought about doing something to express how your feeling (I mean even writting it down like you have might of helped too). I do a lot of art and crafts and it really helps me :) xx

  2. I've felt this way before, not the exact same circumstances but the same feelings. I'm sorry you are going through it all, it sounds stressful! I used to cut obsessivly. I've been able to stop thankfully. Now I exercise, it helps to release the tension, not as quick a fix but it helps. I hope you find some peace soon:)