Last night

Last night was bad. Like, really bad. I just suddenly had this urge to cry. I almost never cry anymore because I can't. And I just wanted to die. I was texting my roommate across the hall, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. And I feel like I'm just pathetic. There is no reason for me to be this way. There is nothing. There is just me and my thoughts in my head. In my messages, I was telling my roommate just how much I hate myself. I really do. I don't deserve to live. No one deserves me in their life. I'm nothing. I'm stupid and lazy and a waste of air. One day like yesterday, which is supposed to be a "normal" day, and I am just finished. I didn't go to school today. I couldn't. And I won't go for a run today. I can't. I just made some sweet potato burgers and fries for my roommate, and I'm going to work later. That's all. I am not functional right now. If anyone could hear what it's like in my head, I think that I would have been institutionalized a long time ago. I have cut most of my friends out of my life because I just cannot deal with anything. I just want to hide and sleep forever. I don't want anything. I am unworthy of med school and of happiness and of food and of water and of people. I don't deserve any of it. They are all wasted on me. I just deserve to let myself drift away. I just want to disappear, without any kind of fuss, quietly. No one would have to notice. I wouldn't even want any of my stuff left behind, I would just want it to be as though I never existed. I hate myself.

I got my grade back today for Monday's midterm. Low 70's. The class average was 89. I am clearly just stupid. My roommate tried to remind me of how unable to study I was. It's true, but maybe I'm just lazy and stupid. I used to get above 90. Always. No exceptions. And now I just aim to pass all the time. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm not even scared of dying. I had never planned to live past 30 or 40 anyways, what's 10 years less? I wake up surprised that I'm still alive and I go to sleep expecting, hoping not to wake up. Always.

Just let me disappear.

A decent (though confusing) day

Today was indeed decent, but exhausting. I managed to wake up on time for my small group (thank God) then even attended class (for the first time in weeks, literally), had lunch NOT all by myself, attended the mandatory activities in the afternoon and another small group, worked a four-hour shift, and managed to do a ton of walking. I did binge on licorice and dark chocolate at work, but, in spite of that, my net for today is at -514cal. This day involved WAY too much socializing though; I do not deal well with socializing, and it's like tons of people that I hardly even know felt the need to talk to me today. I was slightly distraught, actually. I like sitting alone and going to school without ever talking to anyone, but that just didn't happen today, so it was a bit traumatizing. Another traumatizing thing is that a boy wanted to have lunch with me. He's in my anatomy lab group, so we've done dissection and stuff together, and we always end up doing our anatomy practicals at the same time because of the alphabetical order. He's Italian too, so we have a lot in common, and Monday, while we had to wait nearly four hours to write the practical, he sat with me and talked to me for a long time. Today was the same thing; he left his friends to have lunch with me, the loner. It was pretty embarrassing, really, and maybe it was just pity lunch, but then he followed me to class and sat with me there too. It was pretty traumatizing. I think that he may have a slight crush on me and I think that I may have a slight crush on him, because I couldn't stop laughing and blabbing (which I do when I'm nervous with people). He's also very easy to talk to because we have so much in common, which is different from when I'm with the bf. He and I are just so different, so we usually don't see eye-to-eye and/or just don't have anything to say. We also got into a fight via text last night (he's still home for Spring Break) because he's been lashing out at me a lot lately and I basically just cower and apologize, but am never quite sure what I'm supposed to be sorry about. So yesterday the same thing was happening and I was begging for forgiveness without actually knowing why, and then it hit me that I'm not that girl. I don't beg. I don't grovel. Hell, I hardly ever even apologize. So why should I be when I've done nothing wrong? I don't deserve to be told mean things (especially since I verbally abuse myself enough already). So I stayed polite but told him that he could speak to me again when he was willing to not tear me down for no reason. And, this morning, it was his turn to ask for forgiveness. He also told me that he misses me. A lot. Now, I don't miss people, so I couldn't say it back, but I appreciated it, even though I think he may be lying...

Anyways. Cue in this other guy, and I'm just really confused. All I could think about the whole time I was eating with him was how fat/ugly/stupid/awkward/embarrassing/boring/ridiculous/loser-ish/pimply/wreck-like/hideous/etc. I was. How I should not be talking to him. How I don't want people to talk or look or think about me, because I don't deserve any of that. How pathetic I am. I was just self-conscious the entire time. And I felt terribly guilty; he knows that I have a boyfriend and it's not like I've hidden it from him, but I didn't want to bring him up and I could tell that he didn't want me to bring him up either. So I'm just all confused. Because I could really get along with this guy. We have so much in common, be it culture or family or interests or sports or whatever. But, at the same time, I feel like a fraud. Because I am no longer this girl that I pretend to be, this is all just a mask, a shell. I'm so freaking screwed up inside. Can you imagine if he saw the scars on my legs? Could you imagine if he knew the thoughts in my head? I am not NORMAL. And he is SO normal. I am a pathetic freak in every possible sense and I don't deserve someone normal. No one deserves to have to put up with me and my issues. And I just don't feel like I can fake it like I used to, at least not for long periods of time. Which is why I hide in my apartment in the first place; so that I don't have to fake anything at all. And, on top of it all, I feel terribly guilty because I have never ever been in a relationship, so I don't know if this is considered bad. Honestly, I have no idea. Is it bad to have lunch with a guy who may be into you when you have a boyfriend? I don't know. My roommate is encouraging it though, saying that she's just really pissed and fed up with my boyfriend. I just don't even know how anyone else could possibly deal with my insanity like he does. Uggggh.

Ok, I'm done now. Terribly sorry to be rambling. I'm really your blogs, though I just don't have the energy to comment. I didn't even think I'd have the energy to post here, but then I had to get this guilt and inadequacy off my chest.

Hope you all had a nice day.

All my love,

Lena xx

Today has been so-so, but better than the last few days, so I'll take it. I went to bed early last night and managed to sleep (thank God), but when my alarm went off I just felt so sick that I didn't go to class. It's pretty bad because I am falling terribly behind and I already have so much to catch up on, but I just can't do it. I hate getting dressed, I hate leaving the house. I hate having people look at me or talk to me. I just hate it. I know that this is becoming problematic and that I should probably deal with it or something, but I just can't right now. I will have to go in tomorrow though because I have a bunch of mandatory activities, so I have to prepare tomorrow's small group and write an essay tonight. Won't be going for a run because my thigh aches so I can barely bend my leg, but it's ok because I don't mind the burn and I ended up cooking for over four hours and a half. I made vegan stuffed eggplant, cream of butternut squash (minus the cream), butternut and black bean stew and soy-glazed tofu, mushroom and asparagus. I seriously go through these insane cooking marathons, it's a bit crazy, haha, but I enjoy them and at least, while I'm concentrating on that, I'm not making myself miserable. I just really needed this day to rebuild my strengths a bit, though I know that I'm disappointing my roommate by not going to school. It's hard too because she's on spring break, so she's home which makes it easier for me to want to stay home too. Anyways. My net for today (with all the cooking) is at 566, which isn't great, but it's ok. Don't know if I'll be able to go for a run tomorrow as I have to work, but we'll see. Sorry that I don't have very much to contribute and am being pretty lame, haha... I have a lot of thoughts going through my head but nothing coherent enough to write down. Plus I'm attempting to be less pathetic, so, yeah... Anyways...

Hope you all had a good day!

Lena xx

I've survived my exams today. And this weekend without sleep. Actually, I haven't gotten much sleep at all in the past week. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight. The multiple choice portion of my exam went ok, I think. Well, I could have gotten 100 if I didn't have so many concentration problems now. It wasn't a very difficult exam. It's just nerve-wracking because each question was worth roughly 5%, so a couple of mistakes can be pretty costly. But I was just aiming to pass and I think I did. The anatomy lab portion (practical) was another story. I don't know how I did on that at all. But, regardless, it's over now. My final for this Unit is already in a week and a half, so no time to slack off and play catch up later. I've got to get back into the groove of going to school, that's for sure. 

I haven't thrown up since Saturday, so that's very good news, since I couldn't even hold water down that night. I had a soccer game yesterday which was great because I haven't played in so long. I really miss it. So that put my net for yesterday at 96cal. Today was pretty good too since I did so much walking between exams. I also went for a run, but I got kicked off the track by the track&field coach after just 12 minutes (2.3k). My roommate surprised me when I got home by ordering Indian food. She made sure that they made it all vegan. It was so sweet of her that I just couldn't refuse. I was doing so well today, very negative net, but it's ok. I'm at 192 now. My thighs are so sore from soccer, I love that feeling. The bf whines whenever he's sore after a workout or whatever, but I love that feeling, it proves to me that I've done something. 

Anyways, I hope you all had a nice weekend and that you'll have a nice week.

xx

It's just about 3AM and I swear that I'm in hell. I haven't even gotten through half of the material and I just cannot stop throwing up. I'm not keeping anything down, not even water or coffee. I've lost count of how many times I've been sick in the past two days, and I have lost track of my intakes and outputs because I frankly just have no idea. I feel terrible. I wish my roommate was here. She's the only one that can help me when I'm like this. I tried talking to the bf but he just doesn't get it and says that everything always works out for me in the end. That's just because he doesn't see how much freaking blood and sweat has to be drained from me to allow for this to all fall together. He thinks that it just happens magically. He doesn't want me to talk about my stress, he doesn't want to hear about it, he doesn't want to know about all my "cabeza issues". He asks sometimes, but he doesn't actually want to know. I support him through his most stressful life events but, when it's my turn, I'm just too much so he stops answering or just goes to bed. I know that it's terrible for me to say this, but I'm kind of relieved that he's gone home for Spring Break. I won't be seeing him for at least a week and a half, and I just really need that break and that distance. I can't deal with him constantly trying to impose himself on me. I just can't. And I can't deal with trying to say no to him and failing miserably. I need to focus, and he doesn't get or respect that, so thank God that he isn't here. I know. I'm a terrible person. 

I'm just sinking right now. I hear everyone partying outside (it's a city-wide all-nighter tonight, where bars and restaurants and theaters and clubs are staying open all night long). When's the last time that I went out partying? When's the last time that I've even WANTED to go out partying? I just want to hide. All the time. I want to hide my body, I want to hide my fat, I want to hide my misery. I have no right sharing any of it with the outside world. I had to take the subway and the bus home before, and I couldn't stand looking at my reflection in the glass. I couldn't stand the sight of me. I couldn't stand other people's eyes on me. I know that this is getting bad, that I just want to be home all the time. I don't see the point of leaving my house. I seem to have cut my old friends out of my life. They don't even bother inviting me to things anymore because they know that I'll say no or invent some excuse. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen, I don't want to have to fake a smile or a laugh or make small talk. It's too exhausting and I can't do it anymore. I supported all my friends for so long, I was everyone's mother for so many years, I was everyone's "3AM" person to call, but I just can't do it anymore. Where are my "3AMs"? I don't even want their help or support because I'm too ashamed of who I've become. They wouldn't recognize me. I don't even recognize myself. So I just want to hide in my freezing apartment and not have to share how much I hate myself with the outside world. I know that I sound crazy. I swear that I'm not though. I just know how terrible a person I am inside, how much negativity I have accumulated, and I don't want to spread it like some sort of disease.

I think my face is starting to look a bit thinner. I just want my eyes to sink in and my cheeks to hollow out so that at least I can look as sick as I feel inside. I don't know if I'm just hallucinating it though, because the rest of me is still just as fat. I'm so tired. I want the world to see how tired I am so that everyone will know to leave me alone. Maybe if they see how broken I am, I won't have to fake anything or try to explain. My face will be enough.

Have to go back to studying beautiful bones and muscles and tendons and ligaments. I just wish I was thin enough to feel them all perfectly on myself, my very own living anatomy to study.

Good night. It'll be a long one for me.

Saturday

Yesterday was a pretty strange day. I didn't sleep, again, stayed home, again, and tried to study. I just couldn't concentrate. I couldn't do it. I spent at least 3 hours in front of my work, getting stuck every minute, so I ended up hardly doing anything. I had a stress-binge and then, when I sat down to work again, felt so sick that I threw a lot of it up. Then I had to go see my shrink and we talked about that and about the bf and about my anxiety related to sex a bit. After, I went to the track to blow off some steam, but there were people there preparing for a track meet. I just felt like such a fat slob trudging around the track with all these athletes warming up. I couldn't take it, so I stopped after 3k (15m06s). I was just too embarrassed. It's not even like they were going faster than I was (they weren't), but I just felt HUGE. And it made me so ashamed because this used to be my world, I used to run with the fastest of them. It was humiliating.

My roommate then dragged me out to a movie with one of her friends. I think she saw how down and out of it I was. I know she meant well, but it just stressed me out so much to be out in public with her friend and we bought food for the movies (strawberry licorice and jalapeno popcorn and banana chips and fruit smoothies). They kept making me eat, it was making me so stressed and uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out how many calories I was eating and all that. The movie was so-so (Snitch). I was just surprised because my roommate has been so angry with my boyfriend for taking up all my study time, but then she makes me go out to the movies. A bit confusing. We came home and talked about whether we should stay in this apartment once the lease is up or find another one, and then I went to bed. Didn't fall asleep for a while, and then, at around 3:30, woke up feeling so nauseated that I just had to throw up. It was painful and acidic and not the same as when I am sick more "voluntarily". It just sucked. So this morning my roommate told me to stay in and that she would go coach alone. I'm going to have to endure a 1.5h bus ride twice though because we have a laser appointment later, so I have to go back home and then come back here. It's just all too much, I'm so tired. I'm so behind in my work and my exam is in two days. I have no idea how I'll make it. I don't even want to. I just want to quit everything and sleep. 

Sorry for another depressing post. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut. 

Have a nice weekend,

Lena xx

I feel like my posts are always really down and depressing. I don't mean for them to be, I think that it might be because I'm just so tired and overwhelmed by the time I write them that I feel really down. This being said, I didn't get any work done today and I'm starting to freak out for my exam on Monday. I don't know how I'll get through this. My roommate keeps telling me "one day at a time." So that's what I'll do, one day at a time.

I had to apply for summer internships today (the deadline was March 1st) for when I get back from Singapore. I know that it's gonna be a crazy summer, but I really need this to get some money. Anyways, I applied to 27 different places. One has already replied saying their full, but I'm hoping that somewhere will want me. My CV is pretty good and I seem well-rounded on the outside, so hopefully things will work out. I also had to do some cooking because a bunch of food was going to go bad, so I kind of improvised this cream-of-random-veggies, inspired from a cream of fennel and mushroom. To make a long story short, I ended up cutting out the mushrooms, throwing in a bulb of fennel, some celery, a cucumber, some cauliflower and two potatoes, and switching the milk for soy milk. My roommate tasted some when she got home and said that it was great. Who would've guessed? I also had to cook some tofu, so I stir fried it with some mushrooms and garlic, soy sauce, hot pepper, sesame oil and cornstarch. Turned out pretty great too. Guess I was lucky. 

I finally had a satisfactory net today of -700cal because of the extra long shift I worked on my feet and the cooking I did. Good news at last. Though I am exhausted. I'm also starting to develop these weird food hoarding habits. I'll set food out for myself and then leave a bunch there for days and days (in a tupperware), unable to ever convince myself to eat it. At work too; I work at a bulk food store, so I'll hoard nuts or candies or licorice or whatever, hiding them from people at work, taking them home to give to my roommate. It's all pretty strange. I don't know, do any of you do this? It's ok if I'm just a freak, haha

I'm hungry; eating vegan, I find it hard to ever be full. Guess that's a good thing.

Take care girlies, hope you're all doing well!
xxx