It's just about 3AM and I swear that I'm in hell. I haven't even gotten through half of the material and I just cannot stop throwing up. I'm not keeping anything down, not even water or coffee. I've lost count of how many times I've been sick in the past two days, and I have lost track of my intakes and outputs because I frankly just have no idea. I feel terrible. I wish my roommate was here. She's the only one that can help me when I'm like this. I tried talking to the bf but he just doesn't get it and says that everything always works out for me in the end. That's just because he doesn't see how much freaking blood and sweat has to be drained from me to allow for this to all fall together. He thinks that it just happens magically. He doesn't want me to talk about my stress, he doesn't want to hear about it, he doesn't want to know about all my "cabeza issues". He asks sometimes, but he doesn't actually want to know. I support him through his most stressful life events but, when it's my turn, I'm just too much so he stops answering or just goes to bed. I know that it's terrible for me to say this, but I'm kind of relieved that he's gone home for Spring Break. I won't be seeing him for at least a week and a half, and I just really need that break and that distance. I can't deal with him constantly trying to impose himself on me. I just can't. And I can't deal with trying to say no to him and failing miserably. I need to focus, and he doesn't get or respect that, so thank God that he isn't here. I know. I'm a terrible person.
I'm just sinking right now. I hear everyone partying outside (it's a city-wide all-nighter tonight, where bars and restaurants and theaters and clubs are staying open all night long). When's the last time that I went out partying? When's the last time that I've even WANTED to go out partying? I just want to hide. All the time. I want to hide my body, I want to hide my fat, I want to hide my misery. I have no right sharing any of it with the outside world. I had to take the subway and the bus home before, and I couldn't stand looking at my reflection in the glass. I couldn't stand the sight of me. I couldn't stand other people's eyes on me. I know that this is getting bad, that I just want to be home all the time. I don't see the point of leaving my house. I seem to have cut my old friends out of my life. They don't even bother inviting me to things anymore because they know that I'll say no or invent some excuse. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen, I don't want to have to fake a smile or a laugh or make small talk. It's too exhausting and I can't do it anymore. I supported all my friends for so long, I was everyone's mother for so many years, I was everyone's "3AM" person to call, but I just can't do it anymore. Where are my "3AMs"? I don't even want their help or support because I'm too ashamed of who I've become. They wouldn't recognize me. I don't even recognize myself. So I just want to hide in my freezing apartment and not have to share how much I hate myself with the outside world. I know that I sound crazy. I swear that I'm not though. I just know how terrible a person I am inside, how much negativity I have accumulated, and I don't want to spread it like some sort of disease.
I think my face is starting to look a bit thinner. I just want my eyes to sink in and my cheeks to hollow out so that at least I can look as sick as I feel inside. I don't know if I'm just hallucinating it though, because the rest of me is still just as fat. I'm so tired. I want the world to see how tired I am so that everyone will know to leave me alone. Maybe if they see how broken I am, I won't have to fake anything or try to explain. My face will be enough.
Have to go back to studying beautiful bones and muscles and tendons and ligaments. I just wish I was thin enough to feel them all perfectly on myself, my very own living anatomy to study.
Good night. It'll be a long one for me.