Saturday, March 02, 2013


Yesterday was a pretty strange day. I didn't sleep, again, stayed home, again, and tried to study. I just couldn't concentrate. I couldn't do it. I spent at least 3 hours in front of my work, getting stuck every minute, so I ended up hardly doing anything. I had a stress-binge and then, when I sat down to work again, felt so sick that I threw a lot of it up. Then I had to go see my shrink and we talked about that and about the bf and about my anxiety related to sex a bit. After, I went to the track to blow off some steam, but there were people there preparing for a track meet. I just felt like such a fat slob trudging around the track with all these athletes warming up. I couldn't take it, so I stopped after 3k (15m06s). I was just too embarrassed. It's not even like they were going faster than I was (they weren't), but I just felt HUGE. And it made me so ashamed because this used to be my world, I used to run with the fastest of them. It was humiliating.

My roommate then dragged me out to a movie with one of her friends. I think she saw how down and out of it I was. I know she meant well, but it just stressed me out so much to be out in public with her friend and we bought food for the movies (strawberry licorice and jalapeno popcorn and banana chips and fruit smoothies). They kept making me eat, it was making me so stressed and uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out how many calories I was eating and all that. The movie was so-so (Snitch). I was just surprised because my roommate has been so angry with my boyfriend for taking up all my study time, but then she makes me go out to the movies. A bit confusing. We came home and talked about whether we should stay in this apartment once the lease is up or find another one, and then I went to bed. Didn't fall asleep for a while, and then, at around 3:30, woke up feeling so nauseated that I just had to throw up. It was painful and acidic and not the same as when I am sick more "voluntarily". It just sucked. So this morning my roommate told me to stay in and that she would go coach alone. I'm going to have to endure a 1.5h bus ride twice though because we have a laser appointment later, so I have to go back home and then come back here. It's just all too much, I'm so tired. I'm so behind in my work and my exam is in two days. I have no idea how I'll make it. I don't even want to. I just want to quit everything and sleep. 

Sorry for another depressing post. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut. 
Have a nice weekend,
Lena xx


  1. I'm staring at my Spanish right now, exhausted. I stayed up until 3 am organizing and cleaning my room and then my bf had car trouble so he can't come to my hall formal. That's not really the point. It's just that we had wanted to see each other. Now it will be another two weeks until I can see him... :/ had a cry fest and now I'm trying to nurse some coffee. Feeling fuzzy and can't concentrate either. I think it's our synapses trying to fire but feeling too tired too.
    I'm sure I'm correct when I say you aren't fat but that's not going to help, I know. I've left the gym after 30 minutes before because I felt huge and the fact that I left early embarrassed me more. Stay strong girlie. I know last night was stressful but today is a new day and you have two days before your exam. that's not a lot but it's better than one and better than hours. Do a little studying, come back, let your brain hold onto it.
    Hugs love. I know the stressed feeling all too well.

    1. I'm really sorry that your boyfriend can't make it, you must've been so disappointed :( Do you have a great dress though? Will you be posting pictures?
      Thank you for your support. The last 48 hours before a big exam are the worst.

    2. Yep! I posted some :)