Wednesday, March 06, 2013

A decent (though confusing) day

Today was indeed decent, but exhausting. I managed to wake up on time for my small group (thank God) then even attended class (for the first time in weeks, literally), had lunch NOT all by myself, attended the mandatory activities in the afternoon and another small group, worked a four-hour shift, and managed to do a ton of walking. I did binge on licorice and dark chocolate at work, but, in spite of that, my net for today is at -514cal. This day involved WAY too much socializing though; I do not deal well with socializing, and it's like tons of people that I hardly even know felt the need to talk to me today. I was slightly distraught, actually. I like sitting alone and going to school without ever talking to anyone, but that just didn't happen today, so it was a bit traumatizing. Another traumatizing thing is that a boy wanted to have lunch with me. He's in my anatomy lab group, so we've done dissection and stuff together, and we always end up doing our anatomy practicals at the same time because of the alphabetical order. He's Italian too, so we have a lot in common, and Monday, while we had to wait nearly four hours to write the practical, he sat with me and talked to me for a long time. Today was the same thing; he left his friends to have lunch with me, the loner. It was pretty embarrassing, really, and maybe it was just pity lunch, but then he followed me to class and sat with me there too. It was pretty traumatizing. I think that he may have a slight crush on me and I think that I may have a slight crush on him, because I couldn't stop laughing and blabbing (which I do when I'm nervous with people). He's also very easy to talk to because we have so much in common, which is different from when I'm with the bf. He and I are just so different, so we usually don't see eye-to-eye and/or just don't have anything to say. We also got into a fight via text last night (he's still home for Spring Break) because he's been lashing out at me a lot lately and I basically just cower and apologize, but am never quite sure what I'm supposed to be sorry about. So yesterday the same thing was happening and I was begging for forgiveness without actually knowing why, and then it hit me that I'm not that girl. I don't beg. I don't grovel. Hell, I hardly ever even apologize. So why should I be when I've done nothing wrong? I don't deserve to be told mean things (especially since I verbally abuse myself enough already). So I stayed polite but told him that he could speak to me again when he was willing to not tear me down for no reason. And, this morning, it was his turn to ask for forgiveness. He also told me that he misses me. A lot. Now, I don't miss people, so I couldn't say it back, but I appreciated it, even though I think he may be lying...

Anyways. Cue in this other guy, and I'm just really confused. All I could think about the whole time I was eating with him was how fat/ugly/stupid/awkward/embarrassing/boring/ridiculous/loser-ish/pimply/wreck-like/hideous/etc. I was. How I should not be talking to him. How I don't want people to talk or look or think about me, because I don't deserve any of that. How pathetic I am. I was just self-conscious the entire time. And I felt terribly guilty; he knows that I have a boyfriend and it's not like I've hidden it from him, but I didn't want to bring him up and I could tell that he didn't want me to bring him up either. So I'm just all confused. Because I could really get along with this guy. We have so much in common, be it culture or family or interests or sports or whatever. But, at the same time, I feel like a fraud. Because I am no longer this girl that I pretend to be, this is all just a mask, a shell. I'm so freaking screwed up inside. Can you imagine if he saw the scars on my legs? Could you imagine if he knew the thoughts in my head? I am not NORMAL. And he is SO normal. I am a pathetic freak in every possible sense and I don't deserve someone normal. No one deserves to have to put up with me and my issues. And I just don't feel like I can fake it like I used to, at least not for long periods of time. Which is why I hide in my apartment in the first place; so that I don't have to fake anything at all. And, on top of it all, I feel terribly guilty because I have never ever been in a relationship, so I don't know if this is considered bad. Honestly, I have no idea. Is it bad to have lunch with a guy who may be into you when you have a boyfriend? I don't know. My roommate is encouraging it though, saying that she's just really pissed and fed up with my boyfriend. I just don't even know how anyone else could possibly deal with my insanity like he does. Uggggh.

Ok, I'm done now. Terribly sorry to be rambling. I'm really your blogs, though I just don't have the energy to comment. I didn't even think I'd have the energy to post here, but then I had to get this guilt and inadequacy off my chest.

Hope you all had a nice day.

All my love,
Lena xx


  1. Oh man, I looove licorice, and dark chocolate. Choc coated licorice is one of my huge weak points.
    I hope you have a quieter day tomorrow. I don't cope well with socializing either, so my heart is with you there.

    1. Oooh, I've never had chocolate-coated licorice, gonna have to check that out!
      Yeah, I'm hiding out again today, so no socializing. Thank God.

  2. I feel like you a lot when it comes to my bf and I. We just don't see eye to eye on pretty much anything. We like the same music and doing things like camping and going to concerts and being outdoors. Hm, sounds like we would be better friends right? yah. But I love him a lot. I don't feel like I'm the same person with him either, in fact I know I'm not. The Willow I am is outgoing and blunt and laughing and charming and all those other good things. With him, I'm subdued and quiet and I don't try to rock the boat. It's so hard. Then I keep talking to this other guy I've known since highschool and we get along really well. It's so hard and the chemistry is there. He knows I have a lot to deal with and he WANTS to support me. What the hell is wrong with me? So yahhh I know what you mean.
    I also want to say that you seem to not be that bad if people want to talk to you you grouch! :P Don't see it as pity. He genuinely wanted to talk to you and you have a lot in common. Maybe just be friends first. I have a lot of guy friends and that's all they are. If it's starts to become more, then you need to cut it off with your bf.
    Don't forget that not everyone is healthy either love. We all wear a mask for some reason or another. You don't know if he struggles and you don't know that he wouldn't love you, scars and eating disorder and all. Don't stress about it right now. Guys are literal. Don't read into it. Enjoy that moment and appreciate the fact that you ARE interesting and fun to talk to.
    I'm sorry the day was overwhelming in socialization though. :/
    I luuuurrrve you dear and hope you're more productive than I'm being.
    <3 hugs

    1. Thanks for your lovely comment, hun. I think you're right; I'm over thinking this and there's no point in that. I'm not very good at going with the flow, but I try. I just have to remember to try now too. I still don't think that I'm interesting or fun, but I'll pretend to believe you :p
      And, haha, I know, I'm such a grouch :p
      Siiigh. Hope you're doing great my dear! Sending lots of love your way!