Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Clarification

Again, this won't be a proper post as I'm just writing this between classes. I promise that I'll get to it asap.

First off, just a huge welcome to my new followers, it's so flattering, as always. (Though it does make me feel a little anxious to think that I now have to "perform" or something... Make things interesting in some way...)

Secondly, just a clarification concerning my last post, because some of the comments made me feel as though there was a bit of confusion. I have never been nervous about mental health lectures before and have always found them very interesting. They don't make me sad or stressed or anything normally. It's just that now, just a few months I was "ill" (this is code for "tried to seriously hurt myself", which is also code for attempted suicide and was hospitalized in a foreign country for 10 days, all of which is very difficult for me to say), these lectures are difficult for me to sit in on. This is partly due to the fact that I'm still having flashbacks from that event, from the hospital, from everything, so I spend most of my time pushing those thoughts out of my head/being in denial. Also, I always feel as though the lectures are describing me, which is a bit unnerving. It is also partially because I hate hearing people talk about things that they have never ever experienced first hand. The lecturers are usually ok, because they have obviously been exposed to these situations, but my peers aren't. In between lectures on mental illness, they judge and analyze and pretend to understand when they don't. They talk about how "Yeah, sometimes I double-check if the door is locked, God I'm crazy" and "Once I imagined hanging myself and got so scared that I immediately stopped and saw a therapist for a year because I was so concerned". And I just can't deal with it. We had a Small Group on overdose and their level of ignorance was driving me insane. I have overdosed. I am/was sick. I have experienced all of this first-hand. I don't feel superior, I just feel as though they will never adequately grasp what they are talking about and I really wish that they would stop pretending to.

Anyways, I just thought that maybe my last post warranted this clarification. I hope that you are all having a lovely day.

Love,
Lena xx

P.S. Dan is meeting me for lunch and I have a feeling that he will be telling me that he loves me, and I find this so incredibly terrifying because I have absolutely no idea how to reply to that sort of thing... But this is definitely a story for another time.

4 comments:

  1. Sorry for any confusion love, I'm having a lot of trouble finding the right words lately. I know why it was terrifying for you, having recently experienced it first hand. I still can't find the right words, but I do understand why is was a difficult lecture to sit through.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel the same way when people talk about how they were "depressed once" but they got over it. Unless you've experienced it first hand, it's hard to understand what people in those situations go through. I wasn't aware of your recent hospitalization. I'm sorry you had to go through that hun. But you're a strong, beautiful woman. Keep your head up.
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think like.. I mean. I find the topic of mental health and pyschology completely fascinating, because I like the idea of trying to understand people, or when someone says that they have a problem - being able to be like. Actually that's not your problem - this is your problem - or being able to very clearly recognise certain psychological symptoms in people. An example of which is a friend who is going through a rough patch at the moment, but who is completely unwilling to change - completely oversimplified, but it is very obvious that she is depressed. Wow, that sounded vapid - I"M SMARTER THAN THAT SOUNDS I SWEAR! Anyway, the interesting thing about it is that those ... things do not resonate with me at all. I can go, yes I'm BPD etc etc. I fit those symptoms, but firstly I find there is gratification in the fact that I'm the only one who can say that about myself. And secondly, fuck you for trying to change me. I dunno. It's a weird topic, BUT. Maybe being confronted with the subject head on will help you to overcome a lot of the issues that have been associated with your past and present, you know? Xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. "It is also partially because I hate hearing people talk about things that they have never ever experienced first hand." OH. THIS. THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS RIGHT HERE OH MY GOD.
    "but my peers aren't. In between lectures on mental illness, they judge and analyze and pretend to understand when they don't. They talk about how "Yeah, sometimes I double-check if the door is locked, God I'm crazy" and "Once I imagined hanging myself and got so scared that I immediately stopped and saw a therapist for a year because I was so concerned" THIS IS MY LIFE THIS IS LITERALLY MY LIFE. oh my god
    last year, this bitch ass whore tried to convince everyone she had an ED. and you can tell she isn't because she is constantly eating and knows she's skinny and emphasises on the fact that she is skinny and reminds people that she is 5'1 and 80lbs. at the same time, she inhales the entire contents of the cafeteria. yes.
    last year i had to explain someone that i had food-related OCD behaviour and they didn't get it. they just thought i was 'concerned' about my weight and someone even told me my habits of weighing everything that touches my lips and worrying about every milligram of sodium that passes into my body is a GOOD thing oh my god
    awwwwwwww good luck with lunch sweetie xo

    ~Sam Lupin

    ReplyDelete