Pathetic

So t'was another crappy day. Blah. I'm so tired. So down. Not into anything. Don't want to do anything. Just want to sleep. Just want to curl up. Fasted until I got home from work (9:30pm), so roughly 22h, but then my roommate forced me to have dinner. It's ok, it was super healthy and yummy (I had made it and frozen it): spaghetti squash with black beans in a tomato sauce and two clementines. With the 5 hours I was standing at work (I'm a cashier) and the walk there and back, my net for the day has been -910. So that's good. Maybe I'll do that every day, just have a small and healthy dinner but not eat anything else otherwise. Could be a good plan. God. I'm so tired. I got pretty much no work done today and the midterm for this Unit is already approaching fast. My roommate has convinced me to ditch all my weekend activities and commitments and just catch up on what I've missed this week, i.e. everything. Might be a good idea. I have a small group thing tomorrow that I'm not even preparing for, just printing off someone else's answers. Pathetic. I'm just pathetic. This is med school and I'm supposed to be giving it the best I've got and this is the best I can manage. Just sad. I just want to stay in bed forever looking at thinspo and reading blogs. Nothing else. Nothing else even matters. My not going back to my parents' this weekend means that I won't be able to weigh in. Uggh. I'm just a big fat bundle of blah. When will this be over?

So. Tired.

So, my insomnia's back. With a vengeance. I was hopeful that these meds were finally helping me kick it for good, but it would seem not. We upped the dose a few weeks ago because they were making me really drowsy in the morning and they aren't supposed to do that at higher doses, but it would seem that their sleep-inducing effects are also weaning. So I'm back to not being able to sleep. It sucks because I am just so tired. And I was finally feeling a bit better; last week, I had 2-3 solid days of pure studying before my exams, more than I have managed to study in about two years. I was feeling so confident. I felt like I was finally shaking this foggy feeling that I've had since April 2011, where everything that I do and live seems to be happening in a dream. I mean, I can be doing something and know that I'm doing it, but if you ask me about it later it will be unclear whether or not it was real. It's called derealization, or so my shrinky people have said. One guy that I saw said that it's like what happens to people before a plane crash. He wanted to know what disaster I was anticipating. I don't know what I can possibly have been anticipating for the past two years, but oh well. Who am I to argue? Actually, all my shrinks find me rather difficult to work with because I'm always arguing with them, haha. I mean, if you want me to believe your mumbo jumbo, at least provide me with some true evidence. I'm not just going to believe it because you say it. That's how I am, eternally skeptical. It's a bit terrible.

Anyways, like I was saying, I am exhausted, so I haven't been to a single class in this new Unit (Musculoskeletal and Blood). I did go in today for a couple of hours because I had a mandatory thing to attend. It was boring and useless. But I also had to hand in an equally boring and useless paper on the difference between illness and disease, so I had to go in regardless. I wrote my paper in French and let me tell you that English is pretty much the only language that makes a distinction. I also speak Spanish and Italian, and they don't make a distinction either. So I found it a bit futile to write something about an issue that is language-specific. Anyways. Got 'er done. So that's good. I also went for a run, my first in a couple of weeks because I've just been so overwhelmed. It was a difficult run, my muscles were pretty stiff. And I have a tendency to always want to go too fast and burn myself out really quickly. What can you expect from someone who was a track and field sprinter all through high school? I have a need for speed, haha, and have serious problems pacing myself. I did manage to get 5,6k done in a reasonable time (28:24). I also did 400 crunches. And I had to do a lot of walking today. So all in all not too shabby exercise-wise. I have been craving protein though (nuts, peanut butter, etc.) like crazy, probably because my body isn't used to having this little. I just hate it because I feel like there are few truly high-protein, high-satiety foods on a vegan diet. So it makes me want to eat more. Plus I'm going from binging pretty regularly to trying to control that so I don't throw up. My system is not happy with me. But I'm sure it'll fix itself. I also don't have a scale at the apartment (or any money for a scale right now) so that's killing me too. Man, I'm just rambling along right now, no clue where I am going with this except that I'm dreading going to bed so I'm trying to stall a little. Being rather whiny. Pretty pointless post I guess, sorry ladies, I understand if you've gotten bored by now.

Guess I'll go read some blogs and answer some posts to buy some time. So tired. Hope you're all getting your sleep! :)

P.S. Ok. That's it. I'm tired of being weak with food. I mean, my nets have not been so bad (today was a bit high at 1169), but I think that I'm in need of a good ol' fast. As of midnight, I will be counting the hours. Hoping for at least 30, maybe 48 if I'm feeling confident. I'm tired of feeling full, and I was feeling so great in my baggy jeans before the Holidays. That's what I need again. Baggy. So it's time to fast. The first 18 hours are the hardest, then it just gets easier. I'm tired of needing food, of giving myself excuses to eat, of eating when I don't even have to. Enough. If I can't sleep and I can't work, well then I can't eat. Time to shine.

Mid-week, meh-week

I haven't been able to read and write as much as I would've liked so far this week because we've been having problems with the internet at the apartment, it fluctuates a lot, making it difficult to load pages and all that. My roommate is supposed to call tech support some time this week, so hopefully it will get fixed soon. It's so frustrating because all my work is online, so I really need access. Also, it's crazy how, after just a couple of days, I already miss this world. 

Yesterday and today haven't been great. I woke up feeling terribly sick yesterday so I did not go to any classes. And then the bf decided to sleep over last night. I don't like it when he just springs that on me because I have a single bed and already don't get much sleep, so I can't sleep at all when he's crammed in that tiny bed with me. Also, I have a lot of issues when it comes to being intimate with someone, and he just doesn't get that and always tries crossing boundaries that I've set up. Gives me so much anxiety. Today I had to meet a patient that I shadow at 10:30, so I just got up late and didn't go to any of the labs today, making me already 7 lectures and 2 labs behind after missing two days. I'm seriously the worst med student ever. I feel terribly lazy and guilty about it all the time. I was also supposed to have a dinner with work today, but I hate these kind of sit-down events with people that have very little in common with me and where I have to eat in front of people to seem normal. Just so not worth it. So I just called my manager and said that I had too much work on my plate and wouldn't be able to go. Such a coward, I know. But at least I didn't just nap at home; I cooked for nearly 5 hours straight, making 5 different recipes that I can freeze. My roommate doesn't cook, so I do all the cooking and I like getting it all done at once so that I don't have to prepare something when I get home at 9 after over 12 hours of school and work. I was a bit frustrated today though because my roommate has a tendency of opening things and letting them go bad, which forced me to throw a bunch away today. I also got the electricity bill from the last 2 months and nearly had a heart attack: over 285$. That's because it was terribly cold in January, reaching -40C with the windchill. But it's also partially because my roommate, though she's an environmentalist, is pretty wasteful with heating and electricity, running our bill high. So yeah, let's just say that this living on my own thing is running through my savings pretty fast.

Calorie-wise, the last couple of days have been so-so, with net intakes of 888 and 832 each. Not terribly, but not great either. I guess I can live with it though, at least for now, especially since I've been yo-yoing between extremes since the Holidays. Maybe being mediocre but stable will be better overall. At least that's how I'm trying to justify it, haha

Anyways, hope you are all doing well and I am so appreciative of my new readers. It's really nice to know that someone is listening :)

Take care! xx
P.S. Oh and I haven't thrown up in about a week, so yay, right? Ha, the things I strive for, so sad. 

Singapore

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I'm gonna be doing a pediatric surgery elective this summer in Singapore! I'm still a bit shocked that I'm going, since I'm only in my first year of Med, but my roommate has contacts over there (as in, the dean of freaking medicine at the only medical school over there. Talk about prestigious) and she got me in. So we'll be spending all of July with her family and I will be on a four-week elective. We would also like to go to Malaysia for a bit as it's supposed to be amazing. I'm pretty excited but pretty nervous at the same time since I do consider myself a bit of a fraud; I mean, I feel that, with my recent level of stupidity, I definitely should not be in med school, let alone have the privilege of doing a very specialized elective after my first year. Anyways. It's happening and there isn't much I can say about it anyways since her whole family is already expecting us. I'll also be doing a stage somewhere up North in the second half of the summer (well, I haven't applied yet, but I'm hoping to get it). So it will be a busy summer for me. I'm just a bit sad because summer is always soccer time for me: playing, coaching and refereeing. I'm pretty intense about it and I was finally going to get a shot at being a higher ranking ref this year, but oh well. And I feel bad for abandoning the girls that I coach. I've been coaching them for a few years now and the parents love me and my roommate and I hate to have to let someone else come coach them, especially since we had to fight to get the position (we're girls and we're young, making us unlikely candidates for a coaching position in a world led by men). Another, albeit stupid reason, for my being a bit sad is that summertime is when I see that guy that I used to see, because he plays soccer and I ref some of his games. I know it's dumb, but I still have trouble letting go. I also love summertime in general, but at least I'll get to be someplace nice and warm and sunny and beach-y for the first half of it, in Singapore. Hopefully I'll get a pretty sweet tan, haha.

On another note, I've been so lazy all weekend, just loafing in my bed and reading blogs. It's great to be back in this world and I love reading about everyone and how you're all doing. My vegan plan is already proving to be challenging because my parents bought me a bunch of food to bring to the apartment, including cheese and yogurt, and I just hate seeing things go to waste. I mean, all my life I've been guilted into not throwing out food and, at the apartment, it's great because I can decide exactly what to eat without have to get speeches and worried looks. But if they send me food that I won't eat, I just feel terribly guilty about it. 

Anyways, hope everyone is having a nice Sunday!

xx

Vegan

So, I know I'm a bit late, but Lent started two days again (whoops!) and I had planned to try to go vegan for it. I mean, it will be pretty challenging and I don't want to impose it on other people (let's say someone has me over to eat or makes me something, I don't want to be rude or make their life difficult, you know?), but Lent is a time of sacrifice, right? And, trust me, it'll be a sacrifice, because I love me some good ol' low fat dairy! And eggs. Yum. But I think it'll really force me to avoid binging and to stick to my meal plans. It's not really for animal rights (sorry all you activists, I'm a scientist, animal research is pretty much necessary in my field), but more as just for the personal challenge of it. And to prove to myself that I can do it. Because I have seriously been having trouble sticking to things, but I think that this is doable. 

On another note, Valentine's day was a bit of a fiasco, but oh well. And I saw my counselor dude (I hate certain words, so I tend to replace them by less scary works, like, in this case, counselor or shrink instead of the real words... You know...) today, not very useful. He insisted on seeing the cuts on my leg, so I felt like some sort of animal at the zoo. Oh and my bf felt my swollen parotids this morning and I kind of got defensive and snapped at him that it's because I throw up a lot. Yeah... Smooth, I know... Anyways. I'm just tired of feeling like this curiosity that people can study and analyze. I know myself really well, I know what's going on in my head, I don't need some random people telling what it means or how I do/should feel. And I'm tired of having all the neatly tucked away and packaged things in my head spoken out loud for everyone to hear. It's none of anyone's business anyways. I'm tired of owing people my thoughts and feelings and my story. 

Ok, rant. Over. I know that I probably don't make any sense, kinda just doing a stream of consciousness in my highly-sleep-deprived state. Anywaaays.

I'm happy to be back. I mean, the first time I started writing, I stopped because I felt like I would never be "good enough" or show enough control to compare to all of you pretty girls just having everything neatly bundled and controlled. I felt like I couldn't be honest about what I ate or how much or how much I weigh and all that because I would be judged. I'm so self-conscious. About everything. My thoughts, my feelings, my inadequacies, my weight, my food, my throwing up, my cutting, my cabeza issues as I like to call them, my everything. But I've decided that I miss reading your stuff, haha, and that maybe I should take a different approach, where I don't force myself to write things and expose myself in ways that I don't want to. So, you know, just write more for me, without being self-conscious about who's reading and how they're taking it. That's the idea at least.

Gonna go catch up on some of your blogs now that I have finished my work for the night. Hope you're all doing well :)

Lena xx

Off to a rocky start

So, yeah, this weekend has been a bit of a fail, both food- and study-wise, because I stayed at the apartment all weekend, canceled all my activities in the hopes of studying like a maniac, but the bf came over and I ended up doing very little work. Which is a bit of a disaster because my finals are Thursday and I am so behind. I got a leave for the midterm a couple of weeks ago because I've been such a mess, but I swore to myself that I'd do this final. I just need to scrape a 60 overall, but I am so terribly behind that I don't know if it's going to be possible. It's like, once you're in med school, you aren't allowed to be sick or have stuff to deal with. Which clearly are both a reality for me. So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, which puts me into the sort of paralyzed state where I just stare at my work for a really long time, rendering me even less productive. I guess I should get to it.

So happy to be writing again,

E.

P.S. Haven't gotten a chance to catch up on blogs yet, but I have been looking at some thinspo, which is always relaxing and motivating for me, so that's good. Though the bf almost found my thinspo pages open on my laptop because he came over so unexpectedly. He also has kinda figured it out about my cutting, I think, because he noticed a bandage on my leg at the same place as last time and he kind of called me out about it. I was a terrible liar and just refused to talk about it. Very mature, obviously, but oh well.

Guess who's back

So I'm back. Kind of fell out of touch with everything, including myself. I guess that I was also really ashamed because I have put on a lot of weight. But a bunch of things have brought me back. Firstly, I cut again yesterday. Secondly, my counselor made me keep a journal this week and it made me realize how much I miss keeping my own and reading up on other people's. And thirdly, this Unit in Med has been all about nutrition and I have suddenly come to realize that how I perceive food is so incredibly different and twisted from the way most people perceive it. This in turn had me thinking about how there's a whole world of people online that get exactly how I feel when I eat, cook, see and think about food. And exercise. So, yeah, I decided to make a return. Maybe my posts won't be quite as long as I really don't have time with school and all, and I don't think that I will be able to keep up with continuously commenting on people's blogs, but I will write a little and read a little and connect with myself and this world that I belong to again. Because I think it's really important that I belong somewhere.