Saturday, February 16, 2013


So, I know I'm a bit late, but Lent started two days again (whoops!) and I had planned to try to go vegan for it. I mean, it will be pretty challenging and I don't want to impose it on other people (let's say someone has me over to eat or makes me something, I don't want to be rude or make their life difficult, you know?), but Lent is a time of sacrifice, right? And, trust me, it'll be a sacrifice, because I love me some good ol' low fat dairy! And eggs. Yum. But I think it'll really force me to avoid binging and to stick to my meal plans. It's not really for animal rights (sorry all you activists, I'm a scientist, animal research is pretty much necessary in my field), but more as just for the personal challenge of it. And to prove to myself that I can do it. Because I have seriously been having trouble sticking to things, but I think that this is doable. 

On another note, Valentine's day was a bit of a fiasco, but oh well. And I saw my counselor dude (I hate certain words, so I tend to replace them by less scary works, like, in this case, counselor or shrink instead of the real words... You know...) today, not very useful. He insisted on seeing the cuts on my leg, so I felt like some sort of animal at the zoo. Oh and my bf felt my swollen parotids this morning and I kind of got defensive and snapped at him that it's because I throw up a lot. Yeah... Smooth, I know... Anyways. I'm just tired of feeling like this curiosity that people can study and analyze. I know myself really well, I know what's going on in my head, I don't need some random people telling what it means or how I do/should feel. And I'm tired of having all the neatly tucked away and packaged things in my head spoken out loud for everyone to hear. It's none of anyone's business anyways. I'm tired of owing people my thoughts and feelings and my story. 

Ok, rant. Over. I know that I probably don't make any sense, kinda just doing a stream of consciousness in my highly-sleep-deprived state. Anywaaays.

I'm happy to be back. I mean, the first time I started writing, I stopped because I felt like I would never be "good enough" or show enough control to compare to all of you pretty girls just having everything neatly bundled and controlled. I felt like I couldn't be honest about what I ate or how much or how much I weigh and all that because I would be judged. I'm so self-conscious. About everything. My thoughts, my feelings, my inadequacies, my weight, my food, my throwing up, my cutting, my cabeza issues as I like to call them, my everything. But I've decided that I miss reading your stuff, haha, and that maybe I should take a different approach, where I don't force myself to write things and expose myself in ways that I don't want to. So, you know, just write more for me, without being self-conscious about who's reading and how they're taking it. That's the idea at least.

Gonna go catch up on some of your blogs now that I have finished my work for the night. Hope you're all doing well :)

Lena xx


  1. You know you don't have to worry dear. We all have have issues. We all have eating days. We all have had binge days. Some of us self harm, not me, but I know several people do. The thing we have to do is remember that the purpose of the blogs are to get out how we feel and be supported no matter how we feel. You're such a sweetheart so don't even worry about it. You write, I read and tell you how fantastic I think you are and help you however I can. That's how works. :)
    Oh! And to answer your question, I think it's easier to just comment on your comments of whatever post you write on (likeI just cimmented back in the post you asked on) and then I just subscribe or check later on the comments I make to see if they get answered. Then it's all in one spot. I'm actually quite pleased you catch up on my life and I'm glad you're back so I can catch up on yours.
    Lots of love sweetie and a huge hug. I know you're stressed. You're also welcome to email me if you need to talk.

    1. Yeah, I guess. I just feel self-conscious when I see how well everyone is doing and how I have just exploded since the Holidays. It's ok, I've decided that this is for me and to hell with anyone who decides to be judgemental, haha
      Thanks for your support, it's so greatly appreciated, you have no idea.
      Take care of yourself my dear! xx

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hey hun, thanks for your comments :) I just followed your blog.
    Don't worry about being judged by the blogger community. We're all pretty open and non-judgmental. No ones perfect, but I like your approach of writing for *you*.


  3. Hi Bella, thank you for following, I'm very flattered! I'm still working on your archives whenever I have a spare second. Take care! xx