Thursday, February 21, 2013

So. Tired.

So, my insomnia's back. With a vengeance. I was hopeful that these meds were finally helping me kick it for good, but it would seem not. We upped the dose a few weeks ago because they were making me really drowsy in the morning and they aren't supposed to do that at higher doses, but it would seem that their sleep-inducing effects are also weaning. So I'm back to not being able to sleep. It sucks because I am just so tired. And I was finally feeling a bit better; last week, I had 2-3 solid days of pure studying before my exams, more than I have managed to study in about two years. I was feeling so confident. I felt like I was finally shaking this foggy feeling that I've had since April 2011, where everything that I do and live seems to be happening in a dream. I mean, I can be doing something and know that I'm doing it, but if you ask me about it later it will be unclear whether or not it was real. It's called derealization, or so my shrinky people have said. One guy that I saw said that it's like what happens to people before a plane crash. He wanted to know what disaster I was anticipating. I don't know what I can possibly have been anticipating for the past two years, but oh well. Who am I to argue? Actually, all my shrinks find me rather difficult to work with because I'm always arguing with them, haha. I mean, if you want me to believe your mumbo jumbo, at least provide me with some true evidence. I'm not just going to believe it because you say it. That's how I am, eternally skeptical. It's a bit terrible.

Anyways, like I was saying, I am exhausted, so I haven't been to a single class in this new Unit (Musculoskeletal and Blood). I did go in today for a couple of hours because I had a mandatory thing to attend. It was boring and useless. But I also had to hand in an equally boring and useless paper on the difference between illness and disease, so I had to go in regardless. I wrote my paper in French and let me tell you that English is pretty much the only language that makes a distinction. I also speak Spanish and Italian, and they don't make a distinction either. So I found it a bit futile to write something about an issue that is language-specific. Anyways. Got 'er done. So that's good. I also went for a run, my first in a couple of weeks because I've just been so overwhelmed. It was a difficult run, my muscles were pretty stiff. And I have a tendency to always want to go too fast and burn myself out really quickly. What can you expect from someone who was a track and field sprinter all through high school? I have a need for speed, haha, and have serious problems pacing myself. I did manage to get 5,6k done in a reasonable time (28:24). I also did 400 crunches. And I had to do a lot of walking today. So all in all not too shabby exercise-wise. I have been craving protein though (nuts, peanut butter, etc.) like crazy, probably because my body isn't used to having this little. I just hate it because I feel like there are few truly high-protein, high-satiety foods on a vegan diet. So it makes me want to eat more. Plus I'm going from binging pretty regularly to trying to control that so I don't throw up. My system is not happy with me. But I'm sure it'll fix itself. I also don't have a scale at the apartment (or any money for a scale right now) so that's killing me too. Man, I'm just rambling along right now, no clue where I am going with this except that I'm dreading going to bed so I'm trying to stall a little. Being rather whiny. Pretty pointless post I guess, sorry ladies, I understand if you've gotten bored by now.

Guess I'll go read some blogs and answer some posts to buy some time. So tired. Hope you're all getting your sleep! :)

P.S. Ok. That's it. I'm tired of being weak with food. I mean, my nets have not been so bad (today was a bit high at 1169), but I think that I'm in need of a good ol' fast. As of midnight, I will be counting the hours. Hoping for at least 30, maybe 48 if I'm feeling confident. I'm tired of feeling full, and I was feeling so great in my baggy jeans before the Holidays. That's what I need again. Baggy. So it's time to fast. The first 18 hours are the hardest, then it just gets easier. I'm tired of needing food, of giving myself excuses to eat, of eating when I don't even have to. Enough. If I can't sleep and I can't work, well then I can't eat. Time to shine.



    That. That explains it all lol.
    Also, I could back up the shrinky stuff with research sometime if you wanna talk science. Lots of interesting stuff! :P Beast mode at the gym. I don't even like running. I do like 45 of cardio and then lift. I like doing that more, although I was a high jumper in track.
    Sooooo behind on my work too, but they declared a snow day tomorrow so no bio lab praise God. I wasn't looking forward to the 8:30 am animal behavior three hour lab. Fuck that.

    I'm sending you a hug because I know you know the face in meat grinder college feeling. I'm burning the midnight oil as we speak and tomorrow will be plenty of readings.. That picture describes me life so much haha.

    We're really similar on the food too. I want to stop. It's making me really upset. I don't want to need it or want it or like it. I want to do absolutely nothing. Just remember that fasts can be water weight and fluid pushes fluid. Stay hydrated.
    I wuv you deary!

    1. Oh man. That picture is the story of my life. When I'm overwhelmed, I just want to take a nap. It's the most inappropriate response ever.

      Yeah, my roommate's in psych too and I've taken a few electives because I do enjoy learning about it. But I'm also pig-headed and love to challenge my shrinks all the time :p Plus one guy that I saw was an old-school psychoanalyst and I'm not a big believer in that stuff. Let's just say that we had interesting debates, haha

      I love running and don't want to have to pay to use the gym (the track is free and I go outdoors when it isn't too cold/too hazardous with the snow), so I don't lift. I used to do karate for a few years and that was great weight training using my body as resistance. I find it cool that you lift because a lot of girls are scared of it because they don't want to become bulky.

      Lucky you regarding the snow day. That just doesn't happen here because they expect everyone to be used to the snow.

      Exactly. I don't want to want, need or like it either. That's exactly it. I don't understand why I'm a slave to it, it's driving me crazy. Yup, I'm on lots of tea and water for today, that's the plan! :)
      Take care sweetie, don't go crazy with school and enjoy your day off! :)

    2. I like to think of it as the brain shutting down to protect itself from further overload and potential trauma but you can say it's inappropriate. :P

      I don't know if I am either. I like the cognitive-behavioral approach best.

      What! My school has a gym that's part of student fees and you just scan your card and go. I hate running outside. I hate running actually. At all. Lol I know they do. They are ridiculous and probably believe everything they hear too! I swear people just accept what they hear and don't do their own research on things. Infuriating. It's called estrogen ladies. You have more of that than testosterone. If you wanna get big though, you eat to get big and you use supplements. Girls don't usually think it's cool I like lifting so hey, you're one of the first.

      Uh no. I realized that's nice but I still have a shit ton of homework to do and I work at midnight so I need to do a little sleeping and I should work out but my brain is literally at a standstill. I go to do my readings and I'm so exhausted that nothing sticks. Maybe I'll nap then see if the gym is still open because of the snow coming down. If it is, I'll work out. If not, tomorrow it is.

      Ahh sorry this was so long! I hope your day is going good and you have a breather. You need just a little you time to keep sane.

    3. Yeah, your theory definitely makes sense. Still not a great response though :p

      I was seeing a shrink who was into CBT, but it didn't really work for me because a lot of it is about becoming aware of your thoughts and the ones that trigger you to feel a certain way. But I am already hyper-aware of my thoughts, so it's not like I can just suddenly magically realize that that thought is exactly why I feel so crappy and, by getting rid of that thought, I'll just instantaneously feel better.

      Yeah, the athletics center (track, pool, courts, etc.) is part of the fees, but you have to pay extra to use the gym. It isn't much, but I feel like it's a rip off if I'm just going to use the treadmill when I can run the track.

      Haha, love your little rant about lifting :p I know, I've always done sports that are more guy-ish and I'm really competitive and stuff, and a lot of girls don't like/get that.

      Man, so sorry that you have so much stuff to do. Is your spring break coming up soon at least?

      No worries, write as long of a response as you want! :) Yeah, time is something I just don't have, unfortunately. Wish I did though!

  2. Sorry to hear about the insomnia! That must suck :(
    And thanks so much for your comments, each one makes me smile. Re: your question about my family and ex-bf. My family and I are pretty open about my mental health issues. Various issues (anxiety, depression, ptsd, self harm etc.) have been a daily part of home life since I was 12, so it's always been an open matter. When I first became ill I didn't realize there was a problem, until mum questioned my sudden 20kg+ weight loss and asked if I thought I was developing anorexia. So it's never been a hidden. Mum's always been a fantastic support, and it still blows me away how much ED crap she puts up with.

    As for my ex-boyfriend, I don't think I talk about him much at all. I was with him for two years, and I developed my ED within a month of meeting him. He lived with my family & I for 18 months of that, and came through a lot of my ED with me. But in the end he was just taking advantage if an easy living situation (cheap board, free meals, no job etc.), and there were no tears when I kicked him out. That was in May, just before I started blogging, and I've never looked back.

    Phew, sorry for the epic! Hope this explains a bit more :) And sorry for any typos, I type a lot of comments on my phone. Good luck with your fast dear. Stay safe! xx

    1. That's great, the openness that you have with your family. It must be nice to be so close. Do you find it difficult sometimes, that they know everything about you? I just read a post where you talk about your brother. He seems like a great guy. Is he older or younger than you?

      It's pretty intense that your ex lived with you. I really don't think I'm ready for that sort of intimacy anytime soon. I'm glad that you got rid of him if he was just a free-loader. You definitely deserve better :)

      And no problem, I really don't mind long responses, especially since I'm the one who asked :)
      Take care girlie! xx