Quick update

I kind of messed up before because I actually had 10 lectures to listen to and I also have homework in 4 of those (anatomy homework). I won't finish tonight for sure, especially if I want to go to bed early, but in a little over 5 hours I did manage to listen to 5 lectures, so that's not so bad. Halfway mark! 

Anatomy is what kills me, really, because I'm so terrible at learning things and their names by heart. I'm great at dissections and at understanding how things relate to each other and work, which is why I understood endocrinology so well: because it makes sense. Learning a bunch of gibberish in Latin will be the death of me. But, at the same time, I love anatomy. Not learning it, but learning about it. I love it. I learned today that four-legged animals don't have collarbones (clavicles). Did you know that? So their forelimbs are only held to their trunk by muscle. Birds have clavicles, to keep their wings out to their sides. That's what the wishbone is: sternum and clavicles. And some babies can be born with a congenital defect where they simply don't have any clavicles and the docs have to implant titanium ones. If they don't do it early enough, the baby's muscles will grow in such a way that his/her arms will stay in the four-legged position. Crazy, huh? And I love learning about all the landmarks on the body. Is it crazy that, after we learned how to palpate ribs, I would count mine whenever I was having a panic attack? It's so reassuring; without an X-ray or anything, I am able to say that I have exactly 12 ribs, in a normal anatomical position, just as they should be. And I can feel them and count them, and they are always there. No matter what. 12 ribs. When I learned the bones of the pelvis, it was the same. There's the ASIS. There's the pubic tubercle. All where they are supposed to be. Phew. Now we're doing upperlimbs. The prof is amazing, she just keeps telling us "Feel them on yourselves or on a confrère." And there they are. The clavicle. The scapula. The acromion. The humerus. Pectoralis major that you can just almost slip your hand under. The bicipital aponeurosis that disappears into the skin just like she said it would. Exactly where she said they would be. Anatomy is so fantastic.

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my last post. I haven't replied yet, but just know that I  am very grateful for them (though I find it terribly difficult to accept compliments of any kind). I hope you've all had amazing weekends.

Going to get back to listening to lectures.

All my love,

Lena xx

No more messing around

Ok. Time to get this show on the road. It is 1:30pm. I woke up feeling sick, then binged and now feel sick again. Stupid? Yes. But now it's done. I will not throw up because enough is enough and I deserve to let all that food fester inside of me anyways. Now. I have 9 lectures to listen to today. I also have 4 lectures' notes to highlight and 2 lab talks to listen to. That probably will not be happening today, but will have to happen some time this week. My midterm is next Monday, including an MCQ portion and an anatomy practical portion. So I will also have to go to the anatomy lab a couple of times this week to take a look at the things I missed this past week. This week, I will also have a Small Group session on anemia to prepare and 10 lectures to read up on, as well as 2 anatomy labs and 2 histo labs to prepare for. I will NOT miss anymore lectures. I missed one histo lab this past week, but I can do that before the final, no big deal. I am working 4pm-8pm on Monday and 4pm-9pm on Thursday. I have a Palliative Care visit on Wednesday at 3:30, then a recap meeting with my group, and then the UN TA-ing thing from 6-9 (which I will most probably be late for). I won't have time to go run today, but I WILL go tomorrow before work, on Tuesday after class, and on Friday. I will be missing part of the histo lab on Thursday because of work. And I'm seeing my shrink on Friday and I won't be seeing him for 2 weeks after that because he's going to be on break. I WILL go, no matter how much I don't want to. I will not eat any meal but dinner, if I must. We hardly have any food left anyways, except the things that I've cooked and frozen of course. The vegan thing is going well and the cheese and yogurt cravings have died down, so that's very good news. I will NOT let the bf come over and distract me this week. My midterm is next week and I need to have my head in the game. He and I can see each other after that exam, though he might be going back home for Spring Break.This is my plan for the week.  This week WILL go well. It isn't overly-packed and I can do this. Tonight, I am going to bed early so that I can get up tomorrow to go to school and I WILL sleep. I luckily have Tuesday night and Friday night off, so I WILL have time to do everything that I want to do. I will make one-page summaries of each lecture like I did for my last exam and I will get my roommate to quiz me. It'll all be ok. Better than ok. I will not be ashamed of this Unit like I have been of the other ones. I have already ingested 881 calories today (gaaahhh), so nothing but tea and gum and water will pass my lips from this point forward. I will focus. Anxiety or no anxiety, depression or no depression, concentration issues or not, food issues or not, sleep or no sleep. I. Will. Focus. I know how to learn, I love to learn, I will learn. I will learn all that there is to learn about the upper limbs and I will be a great doctor. That is all. Rant. Over.

This is my very last post for today, I swear. Well, technically, it's a new day, but still.

So here's the update. The bf acme over, brought about FORTY dumplings with him, plus dried mango. Gahhhh. Ate as little as I possibly could without seeming rude/making him ask questions. If karma exists, it's having a field day by giving me the runs now (tmi, I know, sorry). Siiigh. Anyways, he was in a great mood because he had just gotten out of a five-hour midterm that was worth a lot and that he did well on, so he wanted to stay. And, of course, I can't say no, so we ended up watching the third HP (he had never seen any, so we're slowly getting through them). Then he wanted to frolic, obviously. Which, ok, like I said, I'm a sucker, so I couldn't say no. But then, again, he tried to cross the boundary, and so I told him (really kindly if you ask me) that I wasn't comfortable with that. And he just lost it. Well, I mean, he doesn't lose it like I lose it or like Italians in general lose it (screaming and all that), but he was essentially just gonna leave. So I was trying to smooth things out, explaining my point of view and how I feel about these things because he has asked me to be more honest with him and all that, but he was blaming me for a bunch of things that were just plain old misunderstandings. It was really frustrating. It's like this whenever we argue; it turns into an I-said-you-said or he just says the opposite of what I'm saying because that's the way he is. Anyways, he was pissed because apparently I don't initiate anything and he feels like I just passively lay there and set boundaries, telling him what he can't do. What I've tried explaining to him a million times is that I don't like being touched. At all. Everyone who knows me knows this. So it just generally makes me uncomfortable, but I do it because I know that he enjoys it. But there are certain things that I won't do because I know that I will literally have a panic attack and freak out and push him off me, kicking and screaming, if let him. So I won't. But he doesn't get that, at all. And he keeps score about what he does "for me" and what I do "for him". Which is clearly not how this is supposed to work, never mind the fact that the things he does "for me" aren't for me at all because I don't particularly enjoy them. I know this sounds super strange and complicated, but anyways. The gist of it is that I ended up groveling and making him stay and making him happy (I didn't give in and cross my boundaries though). I just hate that this is how I've become. I'm not this girl who apologizes or begs or any of this. I've never been this girl. I'm super independent. He's sweet and everything, but I'm not in love with him and I know that I never will be. I just don't have the energy right now to go through a break up, let alone find someone else. And he's one of the few people that I still talk to regularly because I'm just so exhausted and all my old friends expect so much from me. So I don't want to isolate myself even more. But I know that something's gonna give eventually. I know what you're thinking, that I shouldn't drag this out if it's going nowhere, but please don't judge me. It's complicated and I need him sometimes just like he needs me, so I'll make it work until I can't anymore. In spite of the fact that we have pretty much nothing in common and in spite of many things. I just can't.

In other news, 870 is my net for today. Blegh. And I've only managed to listen to one lecture that I missed last week. Double-blegh. So, all-in-all, another sucky day. Tomorrow (today) will better. I hope.

Guess what? The bf has just left. Can you say screwed? -.-'

New day, new week

Yeah, my title says it all: I've decided to try to have a better attitude and outlook. It helps that I managed to sleep last night, once the stupid neighbours stopped blasting their music and once the partying outside died down (around 3:30am). So I got a good 6 hours in, which is nice for me. Got up, ate a little (I know, I know...), then cooked for over two and a half hours because I had some endives that were about to go bad and I got some free quasi-bad cherry tomatoes at work, so I made a cream of endive and potato (with soy milk, dunno how good it'll be) and a marinara sauce. The apartment smells yummy :) I also did a ton of dishes and tidied up a little because the bf is coming by any minute now. He's insisting on bringing me dumplings, sigh... I love dumplings, such a weakness. I told him I couldn't eat them because of the vegan thing, and he guaranteed that they are vegan, which I highly doubt. It's ok, it's ok. I can eat them and it'll be ok. I would like to maybe go for a run later, but there's a snow storm outside (so I just feel like staying cozy at home) and the gym closes at 8:30 on weekends, so we'll see. the bf also wants me to go to a party with him tonight. First of all, I hate going to a thing full of strangers. Second of all, I have TONS of work to do. And, third of all, I don't feel like getting all ready, leaving the house, going over there and being force-fed junk food and booze. I'm just not down. Sigh. But I haven't met these people and they're some of his friends and he wants me to meet them and blah blah blah. So, again, we'll see. I guess it'll depend on how much work I get done. Especially considering that he's coming over and I don't work well when he's here. And he'll want to "frolic" (if you allow me the term; general sexual language and stuff gives me a lot of anxiety), but I don't want to. I'm still pissed about Monday when he overstepped some major boundaries and I had to push him away. So yeah. None of that. 

Anyways, back to making lists and plans for me, wishing you all a great weekend!

Lena xx

Another one bites the dust

Here's to another day being over. Is it sad when I'm just trying to survive one day at a time?

Today was a bad day. Missed the mandatory small group this morning. Then binged. Managed to listen to some lectures. Then binged again. Then went for a run (5k in 24min49), had to make it a quick one because I had to go see my shrink. Threw up in the locker rooms. So humiliating. That's what I get for being a fat pig and eating so much. Then went to my shrink where I pretty much just spewed my week from hell at him. He's not sure if he'll write a note justifying my absence to the small group this morning, I'll have to wait and see. I filled out a leave of absence request form anyways, because by now the whole freaking Faculty seems to know that I have some shit going down in my life and stuff, so might as well use the fact that my entire life's humiliation is on display for everyone to actually get exempted from things. I guess. I disgust myself. 

Anyways, then my shrink made me miss the bus to get to work, so I literally had to run there. Then I worked. Then I had some oatmeal because my tummy was not happy about having binged and run and then thrown up. So yeah.

All this to say that I'm a huge bundle of self-loathing right now. I mean, I don't have the urge to cut because I have pretty recently and it seems to die down for a while after that, but I just despise myself. I realize that I have pretty much cut myself off from everyone but my roommate and the bf, and maybe one or two other friends who I talk to on a semi-regular basis. I don't want to leave the apartment and never would if I didn't have to. I am politely excusing myself from any and every social event possible, especially those involving new people/people in med. I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't enjoy talking to people, I find it incredibly exhausting with all its formalities. I am constantly being a little bitch and instigating things with my roommate (and my parents,when and if I see them). I am aware of it, but I can't seem to stop. I have so much resentment and hate towards myself that it seems to overflow onto other people. But, at the same time, I have being alone. And now, this weekend, I am alone with my fat, stupid, lazy self, and I hate it. I don't know, I'm just over everything. I just want to sleep forever. 

P.S. Ha, almost forgot to write about numbers which is why I started this post in the first place! So, yeah, I ate a shit ton, but I also threw up quite a bit (a good 400cal, for sure, at the very least) and I went for a run and did a lot of walking and worked a 3.5h shift. So, all in all, my net isn't terrifying at 657. I can deal with that. I won't tell you how much I ate, because that IS terrifying, but all-in-all I survived. 

P.P.S. The times are all messed up on this thing, dunno if it's a time zone problem of some sort, but it is almost midnight here. In case anyone cares, lol...

What. A. Fail.

After not sleeping this week, of course my body decides to sleep right through my alarm this morning. Of course. And of course I had to put earplugs in last night because there were trucks outside my window moving snow from one pile into another. Of course. So I didn't hear my alarm and my roommate woke me up in a panic but it was too late because I would've just shown up for the last 30 minutes of a 2h mandatory small group. Of course. And then of course I respond to this by writing a panicked email to my shrink to see if he can write me a note to excuse my absence so that I don't get penalized the 2% the group was worth. Of course I make a big deal about 2%, mostly because I'm incredibly ashamed. And then, of course, instead of picking myself up and dusting myself off, I decide to eat a shit ton and just crash on the couch in pathetic self-loathing. Of course. Oh and have I mentioned that I have had to cancel all 8 of my planned activities for this weekend so that I can catch up on this week of class that I've missed? Yeah, that's right. Just gonna be a hermit in the apartment trying to do things that I should've already done. And have I also mentioned that I'm so traumatized by my last electricity bill that I have lowered the heating to almost nothing and I am now permanently freezing? Yeah, of course. So I am just miserable. I disgust myself. I really do. I don't know why I am so pathetic, I don't know why this week is going so badly, I don't know why my stupid weak body needs food and sleep, I don't know why. And I don't know why I'm tired ALL THE FREAKING TIME.I just want a vacation. That's what I want. A beach, some warmth and a vacation. I'm tired of all of this. I'm just done. I'm broken. But my semester runs until the end of June and I don't get a Spring Break, so, yeah, no. No vacation. Ever. For the next 4 months. For the next four months I have to keep up this insane pace without any break in sight. Just. Great.