Friday, February 22, 2013

Another one bites the dust

Here's to another day being over. Is it sad when I'm just trying to survive one day at a time?

Today was a bad day. Missed the mandatory small group this morning. Then binged. Managed to listen to some lectures. Then binged again. Then went for a run (5k in 24min49), had to make it a quick one because I had to go see my shrink. Threw up in the locker rooms. So humiliating. That's what I get for being a fat pig and eating so much. Then went to my shrink where I pretty much just spewed my week from hell at him. He's not sure if he'll write a note justifying my absence to the small group this morning, I'll have to wait and see. I filled out a leave of absence request form anyways, because by now the whole freaking Faculty seems to know that I have some shit going down in my life and stuff, so might as well use the fact that my entire life's humiliation is on display for everyone to actually get exempted from things. I guess. I disgust myself. 

Anyways, then my shrink made me miss the bus to get to work, so I literally had to run there. Then I worked. Then I had some oatmeal because my tummy was not happy about having binged and run and then thrown up. So yeah.

All this to say that I'm a huge bundle of self-loathing right now. I mean, I don't have the urge to cut because I have pretty recently and it seems to die down for a while after that, but I just despise myself. I realize that I have pretty much cut myself off from everyone but my roommate and the bf, and maybe one or two other friends who I talk to on a semi-regular basis. I don't want to leave the apartment and never would if I didn't have to. I am politely excusing myself from any and every social event possible, especially those involving new people/people in med. I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't enjoy talking to people, I find it incredibly exhausting with all its formalities. I am constantly being a little bitch and instigating things with my roommate (and my parents,when and if I see them). I am aware of it, but I can't seem to stop. I have so much resentment and hate towards myself that it seems to overflow onto other people. But, at the same time, I have being alone. And now, this weekend, I am alone with my fat, stupid, lazy self, and I hate it. I don't know, I'm just over everything. I just want to sleep forever. 

P.S. Ha, almost forgot to write about numbers which is why I started this post in the first place! So, yeah, I ate a shit ton, but I also threw up quite a bit (a good 400cal, for sure, at the very least) and I went for a run and did a lot of walking and worked a 3.5h shift. So, all in all, my net isn't terrifying at 657. I can deal with that. I won't tell you how much I ate, because that IS terrifying, but all-in-all I survived. 

P.P.S. The times are all messed up on this thing, dunno if it's a time zone problem of some sort, but it is almost midnight here. In case anyone cares, lol...


  1. Where are you from woman? It's almost midnight here too.
    I ate a medium snickers sonic blast. Whatever.
    I had a semester like that. It was a mess. I wasn't going to class and getting my responsibilities done. I was a wreck. My spring semesters always seem to go that way.
    Tomorrow is a new day okay? You can't be rude just because you're upset k? I do that too. You have my email so vent! I think you and I are solution based so we can talk and analyze.
    It's really hard to be a student and deal with this disorder and the fact that you made it to med school speaks volumes.

    1. Haha, yeah, I'm the land of mucho snow, to the North of you, where we live in igloos, or so some Americans believe :p

      Meh, whatever re: snickers. If you're looking for me to make you feel less guilty, you've come to the right place. I'm a big believer in chocolate :)

      Yeah, this one is pretty much hell for me.

      Yes, today is a new day. And yes, I will try to watch my attitude. Sigh...
      Hope you're having a nice weekend!

    2. hahahaha my friends and I make jokes about Canada and if it even exists because everyone forgets it's there. Send me a moose for Christmas? :P
      I love chocolate too and gummies, like the sour ones.. I need some Vitamin D. That's how we'll spin this lol.

    3. Lol, that's right, that's right, take cheap shots at me because I'm from Canada :p
      I loove sour gummies too! I'm not having anything jelly-like right now though because of the gelatin being an animal product and all that.