Sunday, February 24, 2013

This is my very last post for today, I swear. Well, technically, it's a new day, but still.

So here's the update. The bf acme over, brought about FORTY dumplings with him, plus dried mango. Gahhhh. Ate as little as I possibly could without seeming rude/making him ask questions. If karma exists, it's having a field day by giving me the runs now (tmi, I know, sorry). Siiigh. Anyways, he was in a great mood because he had just gotten out of a five-hour midterm that was worth a lot and that he did well on, so he wanted to stay. And, of course, I can't say no, so we ended up watching the third HP (he had never seen any, so we're slowly getting through them). Then he wanted to frolic, obviously. Which, ok, like I said, I'm a sucker, so I couldn't say no. But then, again, he tried to cross the boundary, and so I told him (really kindly if you ask me) that I wasn't comfortable with that. And he just lost it. Well, I mean, he doesn't lose it like I lose it or like Italians in general lose it (screaming and all that), but he was essentially just gonna leave. So I was trying to smooth things out, explaining my point of view and how I feel about these things because he has asked me to be more honest with him and all that, but he was blaming me for a bunch of things that were just plain old misunderstandings. It was really frustrating. It's like this whenever we argue; it turns into an I-said-you-said or he just says the opposite of what I'm saying because that's the way he is. Anyways, he was pissed because apparently I don't initiate anything and he feels like I just passively lay there and set boundaries, telling him what he can't do. What I've tried explaining to him a million times is that I don't like being touched. At all. Everyone who knows me knows this. So it just generally makes me uncomfortable, but I do it because I know that he enjoys it. But there are certain things that I won't do because I know that I will literally have a panic attack and freak out and push him off me, kicking and screaming, if let him. So I won't. But he doesn't get that, at all. And he keeps score about what he does "for me" and what I do "for him". Which is clearly not how this is supposed to work, never mind the fact that the things he does "for me" aren't for me at all because I don't particularly enjoy them. I know this sounds super strange and complicated, but anyways. The gist of it is that I ended up groveling and making him stay and making him happy (I didn't give in and cross my boundaries though). I just hate that this is how I've become. I'm not this girl who apologizes or begs or any of this. I've never been this girl. I'm super independent. He's sweet and everything, but I'm not in love with him and I know that I never will be. I just don't have the energy right now to go through a break up, let alone find someone else. And he's one of the few people that I still talk to regularly because I'm just so exhausted and all my old friends expect so much from me. So I don't want to isolate myself even more. But I know that something's gonna give eventually. I know what you're thinking, that I shouldn't drag this out if it's going nowhere, but please don't judge me. It's complicated and I need him sometimes just like he needs me, so I'll make it work until I can't anymore. In spite of the fact that we have pretty much nothing in common and in spite of many things. I just can't.

In other news, 870 is my net for today. Blegh. And I've only managed to listen to one lecture that I missed last week. Double-blegh. So, all-in-all, another sucky day. Tomorrow (today) will better. I hope.


  1. Ummm can we look at my life? I have a bf that isn't rught for me and we've veen unfaithful and just plain aren't the same and yet that four years makes a difference because I do love him. I don't know who you thinks judging lol
    I'm sprry your night went like that. I've had my fair share of all that but and it's hard to be independent with Tony. It's like I'm a different person.
    I'm giving you a hug, well a meantal one since you don't like real ones.
    Post all you want. I read every single one. :) and then I obnoxiously comment on everyone.

    1. Yeah... This is why I never bothered with relationships before: too complicated.
      Lol, thank you for your mental hug, I appreciate it :)
      And if you don't mind I'll obnoxiously comment on all your posts too

    2. This friendship>
      soooo great already