Update

First off, sorry, I know that I post too much on weekends. Too much time I suppose, ha.

Anyways, just wanted to give a quick update on how my day has been. I ended up cooking for over nearly 3 hours and a half, burning a lovely 450-some odd calories, which is great. I also did 21-27-21-21-10 full sit-ups and 30 crunches, as well as this little workout:

Set 1: 5 chin-ups, 10 squats, 10 push-ups, 30s plank

Set 2: 4 pull-ups, 20 lunges, 9 narrow push-ups, 5 v-sits

Set 3: 5 narrow chin-ups, 10 squats, 7 push-ups, 10 ins & outs

Obviously, because I suck, I can't actually do chin-ups and pull-ups, but what I did was like "hang" with tensed arms for the number x 10 seconds (so let's say for 50 seconds if it asked for 5 chin-ups or whatever). I did feel my arms working, so I think that it's a good compromise until my arms get strong again. The leg portions (squats and lunges) were obviously too easy because I have massive thigh muscles (flashback of my exam yesterday) form soccer and running and everything, but oh well. Not quite sure how many calories this burned, but I'm assuming at least 30, right? It's too bad because while I'm in NY it'll be pretty much impossible for me to do any running/workouts. My only consolation is that I will definitely be doing a ton of walking.

As for food, I had some of that pasta I made (140cal), a little under a tablespoon of peanut butter (80cal) and one of those thin raisin bagels (170cal). That puts me just under my SGD limit for today with 390cal. Thank God that I decided that fruits and veggies don't count because I think I might have died. No idea how you pretty girls manage, you have so much more control than I do. So I also had half a banana, some of that beet soup, some mango and some berries. I am currently trying to fight off the urge to binge, so I might just go and have more mango and berries and call it a night early to stop me from eating more. 

Tomorrow my limit is supposed to be 300, but that is so not happening with my Nonna cooking for me. I had said that tomorrow would be a freebie, so it's ok, right? Oh dear...

Have a lovely evening girlies!

xx

Plans and breaking fast

My fast has lasted exactly 24 hours and I am currently in the middle of a major cooking marathon, making a cream of asparagus and mushroom, a cream of roasted beet and potato, crumbled tofu, and balsamic tomato-basil pasta. A lot of my veggies were going to go bad and I'm leaving on Thursday (and God knows that my roommate will just ignore rotting things in the fridge while I'm gone), so I thought it best to just cook everything now. I have also been thinking about this game-plan of mine for the next 30 or so days. First off, I have decided that I will break fast when I'm done cooking, as I don't want to be starving tomorrow when I get to my Nonna's because that will surely mean a gorge-fest, meaning that I will be starting the SGD as of today. This leads me to my second thought: I will be doing the SGD the "proper" way, i.e. considering fruits and veggies as freebies. I think that this will make the transition easier and will help prevent me from binging. As it lasts 30 days, I can start off with that, then do a "pure" SGD for month two, and then ease into the ABC. This means that I have a plan for the next 3 months, which is perfect since I finish school on June 20th and will be leaving for Singapore right after. I would love to be skinny and bikini-ready for Singapore, and I think that this might be a good way to get there. What do you all think? Finally, I have also decided that, though I will not include regular walking to and from school into my calculations, I will include any extra activities that I do, for example when I run or the workout plan that I'm starting. I haven't decided yet whether I will subtract these from my total, but I think that maybe I should as it will keep me motivated to go. I mean, if I don't track how these sorts of things help my intake, I feel like I'll be more prone to make excuses not to go, right? Anyways, I like it when I'm in plan-mode, makes me feel a bit more alive. It is also rather extraordinary for me to be planning my next 3 months, because lately I have been unable to make plans for more than a couple of days in advance. Part of me just always thinks that I may be dead by then. Macabre, huh? 

In other news, I finally watched that show that all our British friends have been raving about, Supersized vs Superskinny. I'm not much for reality TV, but I think that this may serve as good thinspiration when I feel that I need it.

Hope everyone's having an excellent Saturday! I'm thinking that I may try writing some French poetry and posting it here. I don't know if any of you read French, but I think that it may do me some good. Hope that it won't be annoying for you... :S

xx

Out of hiding

I'm back. As you can imagine, this week was seriously hell. Everything seemed to be going wrong, my computer has stopped working, I couldn't concentrate, it was a mess. But now it's over. And now it's time for me to get things back under control. I have been seriously slacking off since January. I had managed to lose about 20lbs before the Holidays and I have put them almost all back on. And then I wonder why. Well, duh, it's because I've been letting myself go, giving in to whatever, whenever. Before Christmas, I was doing so well. It's time for me to get back to it. I need a plan and I need to stick to it. And I have to stop looking at net and start looking at intake. Net is lying to me. It's time to shine. Enough of this being fat, feeling crappy, hating myself. This week has been hell because I have been too freaking lazy/tired/depressed/whatever to attend my classes. I'm in med school. It's a freaking miracle that I've been managing to get 70s while not attending a single class. Imagine what I could accomplish if I tried. And that starts with discipline. Shit just got serious, ladies. I need to set goals, respect them, feel like I'm achieving something. So I'm kick-starting it with a fast. No food until Sunday (when I have to go to my Nonna's (grandmother's) for St-Joseph's (San Giuseppe)). Then, Monday, I'm SGD-ing it. I don't want to set myself up for failure by ABC-ing it (yet), so I think that this is a good compromise. It's going to be difficult enough as it is because I am leaving for NYC this Thursday (for that Model UN thing) until Good Friday, and then there will be Easter. I'm going to try to keep myself in check in NYC, but I won't be able to avoid Easter (unless I want to make my Nonna cry which, no, I don't). So Easter and San Giuseppe are my freebies, but the rest is SGD. And I can't decide whether or not to count the walking that I do in there, but I'm thinking not because I tend to slack off when I do. Plus, in New York, it's going to be very difficult for me to keep track, especially since I'm sharing a room with two guys and I don't want to be obsessively mapping out routes to see how much we walked. So I think a "pure" SGD is a good idea. Here's the plan (as of Monday - below). This diet also doesn't count fruits and veggies, but I'm gonna try counting them and see how it goes. I know that for you "real" restrictors, this seems like a joke, but I've never been a restrictor and I just want to start off by breaking the binge/purge cycle. I'm also going to get back to running (haven't been in a week because of this madness) and my workout plan is starting today (I'll post what I've done later). Now please excuse me while I go catch up on your blogs :)

Hope you all have an amazing weekend/spring break!

Mucho love xx

SGD

Day 1. 400 calories

Day 2. 300 calories

Day 3. 400 calories

Day 4. 500 calories

Day 5. 450 calories

Day 6. 650 calories

Day 7. 650 calories

Day 8. 400 calories

Day 9. 300 calories

Day 10. 400 calories

Day 11. 500 calories

Day 12. 450 calories

Day 13. 650 calories

Day 14. 700 calories

Day 15. 400 calories

Day 16. 300 calories

Day 17. 400 calories

Day 18. 450 calories

Day 19. 500 calories

Day 20. 650 calories

Day 21. 700 calories

Day 22. 400 calories

Day 23. 300 calories

Day 24. 450 calories

Day 25. 500 calories

Day 26. 450 calories

Day 27. 650 calories

Day 28. 700 calories

Day 29. 400 calories

Day 30. Fast!

I have just finished listening to my fourth lecture for today. Yesterday, I managed to get through 6, but I'm much more tired tonight and I started quite a bit later. I had a soccer game (won 4-1) and I ended up stopping by my house to say hi to my parents (generally pretty awkward and had me running out of there). Skyped with the bf for a bit; he's back in town, but he got home late and I'm trying to make him understand that, this week, I really do need to study. he kept saying how pretty I was and how much he missed me, and I kept answering no, that I look exhausted, that he's just "lonely" so to speak and that he didn't miss me, he was with his friends and family. It's like I've said before, I don't accept compliments very easily. It's not even that I'm trying to be difficult, I'm just being rational. I suppose that it was nice of him to say anyways... I also had that Passion Play thing today that I'm preparing for Good Friday. Got a new part, so I have a few more lines and some more singing. It's alright, but I get really nervous/self-conscious with my singing, so I'm going to have to practice quite a bit I think. Anyways, I have managed to get through 11 out of 23 lectures in 2 days, going to have to up that a little or I'm going to be in serious trouble. For tonight, though, I'm just too tired (it's nearly 2:30am). My roommate keeps reminding that I will do my very best and that that's all that I can do; she knows that I always aim too high and put too much pressure on myself, though I feel like I have considerably reduced my standards recently. I also finally got to weigh myself today, but it was on a full stomach. Even so, I'm down 5lbs in 3 weeks, which isn't great, but is ok considering that I'm on my period (i.e. water retention) and that I had eaten (didn't want to faint during my soccer game, that would've been bad). I want to step this up a notch though, which is why that workout thing is going to start getting serious. Tomorrow is when the official thing starts, and I'm promising myself that I will do it in spite of all the work that I have to do, especially since I have no idea when I'll get the chance to go running this week. I also hate that I used to be so toned, but am now becoming weak. I generally have larger bones and muscles than most of my female friends, so it has always made me very self-conscious because I have never been that "delicate girl", even when I'm lighter than my friends. At the same time though, I never wanted to be "delicate"; I wanted to be able to take care of myself, to stand up for myself, and to never have to depend on a boy to help me with anything. Which is why I am this guarded with my emotions, rarely cry, and make a point of opening my own beer bottles thank-you-very-much; it's a question of pride and principle. Anyways. Now I'm sort of unsure of what I want, body-wise, but I'm going to say that I would rather be toned than flabby either way. And this workout, like I said, is a great alternative/complement to running. It's also a great procrastination/re-energizing tool for when I'm studying. Let's just hope that I stick to it.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. Be kind to yourselves.

Love,

Lena xx 
P.S. Net for today is at -383cal. 

Exercise

I have managed to get through 5 lectures today. Sucks because it's Day Light Saving Hour today, so I lost one whole hour of studying (we move the clock ahead by one hour in spring, so it jumped from being 2am to being 3am). I also got fed up with my fat self, so I'm going to try this work out program from home, to get some more strength training in. Sucks because I have a chin up bar in my room (randomly was installed across the door frame, I most certainly didn't set it up), but I can't even do a single chin up. My brother can do dozens and I used to be able to do a couple, but I suck now. Anyways. I did 100 crunches, 50 squats, 15 push ups (boy push ups, I don't do girlie ones; I used to be able to do dozens, but I suck now) and 61sec of plank. I also took some "before" pics to make myself ashamed and keep myself in check. I did end up throwing up before (had been a week since last time, oh well) and now I have terrible reflux. Guess I earned it. Anyways, my net for today is at 36cal, minus the few hundred (at least 200 for sure) calories that I threw up. The strength exercise that I did today was just to find my "category" in this program, but it sort of royally failed because I'm in the "prep group" for chin ups, group 1 for push ups, group 2 for squats and the plank, and just in no category for sit ups because apparently beginners aren't supposed to be able to do 100. Oh well. I can do hundreds of crunches, don't know what they're talking about. Whatever. I'm writing it here to make me a bit more accountable. I used to do a lot of strength work because I did karate for 3 years and I would hate having boys be better than me, so I would push myself so hard. Now, because I don't feel like I've got anything to prove, I've let myself go. Well, not anymore. I have something to prove to myself. Enough with this flab. If I'm going to ingest the calories, I might as well do something with them like tone up. Right? Right.

P.S. Please don't ask why I felt the need to exercise at nearly 3 (well, now magically 4) am. It just had to be done.I might actually go and do a bit more, just because.

Fat failure.

My eating is out of control, my studying is out of control, I'm out of control. I might throw up tonight. I can't stop eating. Walk a lot, do a lot of stuff, and then just waste it all by shoving food down my throat. I have 19 lectures to listen to because I have missed them, so about 25 hours worth, and I have gotten through 3 lectures (4.5h) today. I need to get through at the very least 3 more, and it's already 11:30pm. It was beautiful out today, warm and sunny with blue skies, and all I could think of was running into oncoming traffic. For real. It's not even that I want to think that, but that's all that's on my mind. How best to off myself. All the time. Pills? Hanging? How can I best make it look like an accident so that people won't have to feel guilty? I also have 3 histology labs (6 hours worth) to go over, plus another 6 hours of anatomy lab talks, and 4 lectures to read and highlight. And then I have to take notes on everything. So 30 lectures to take notes on. Had to coach today. My girls had an exhibition game against another city and my roommate (and co-coach) made me ref it. I was pissed at first, but, finally, thank God because I would not have been able to deal with the other overly-hyper, overly-happy coaches if I had had to sit on the bench. My girls won, 6-2, which is a rarity. But that game meant that I had to go all the way home, passing by my house without stopping by because my parents and I aren't currently speaking. And then I had to take the bus all the way back to the apartment because I can't/won't sleep in the house that I grew up in. And tomorrow I'm gonna have to do it all over again because I have my own soccer game and then this musical thing I do with my roommate's church for Good Friday (we rehearse on Sundays). So I'm gonna have to go to the library down the street from my house between both because my mom told me not to come back, and I have too much pride and anger and resentment to ask her to change her mind. Plus I'm working Monday and Tuesday. Plus I have to accompany my first-year patient to hospital visits on Tuesday and Wednesday. Plus I have class on Tuesday and a small group. Plus I have a blood-drawing session at the simulation center on Wednesday. Plus I have that UN thing Wednesday night. I am so screwed. My exam is Friday and I have to get through all of this before then. And I can't concentrate. And all I can think about is food and how fat I am and what a terrible person I am and when am I going to have time to run and throwing up and dying. That's all I can think about. Sorry that this is all just an incoherent mess, but that's all that I am right now: an incoherent mess. I saw a childhood friend of mine today, and I know that she couldn't stand being with me because I'm just a zombie. I'm just a shell. I'm like the echo of who I used to be. Pathetic.

Ok, generally crappy day, blah, blah, I don't want to bore or depress anyone.

BUT. Ok, this may fall into the TMI category, but I really feel like sharing (warning: pretty big trigger). Anyways, the bf and I were sexting before (yes, gives me a ton of anxiety, but he really enjoys it and he's lonely back home and I'm trying to be a good girlfriend and stuff, so, yeah...) AND this is what he said : "God you're so fucking sexy Lena" to which I replied "Yeah? You find me sexy? What's sexy about me?" (I don't take compliments very well, so that's pretty much as good a response as it gets.)  So he starts saying things, whatever, whatever, and then he says this: "The little gap your thighs make when you're standing straight." Now, let me make it clear that he kind of knows that I have food issues, but not really, and he knows NOTHING about the things that we, in our insanity, dream of. So he knows NOTHING about thigh gaps. And I've never ever spoken to him about them or how I am just dying for one or how I envy any girl who has one. Never. So I was like "Little gap?" and he answered "Yeah when you're standing there's a little gap between your thighs. It's so hot." To which I answered "Hmm, I didn't know that... You like it? From the front or the back?" (yes, this is where I get a little obsessive)  and he answered "Well both lol but you get a better view from the front." And then I decided that to obsess any more would seem insane so I stopped but teeheeee!! I don't think I actually have one because I haven't had one since I gained weight over the Holidays, but still, heee :)

Anywayyys. Also just saw The Silver Lining Playbook and I really enjoyed it even though it was a romcom and I'm not really into that. But I think that I could relate on so many levels because the main character is just so messed up. Also, half the meds that they named in there I have taken or am taking, so it made me feel dysfunctional but in an ok way, if that makes any sense.

Anyways, just wanted to share this news. I will stop now before I go on another everlasting rant about how miserable I am and how screwed I am for my exam next week, haha

Have a nice weekend girlies!

xxx

P.S. Yesterday's net: 709, today's net: 613. Ran 5k (24m32s). Stupid girl at the track would accelerate every time I tried to lap her, it was driving me insane and ruining my tempo. Whatever. Can't wait to finally run outside again.