Saturday, March 09, 2013

Fat failure.

My eating is out of control, my studying is out of control, I'm out of control. I might throw up tonight. I can't stop eating. Walk a lot, do a lot of stuff, and then just waste it all by shoving food down my throat. I have 19 lectures to listen to because I have missed them, so about 25 hours worth, and I have gotten through 3 lectures (4.5h) today. I need to get through at the very least 3 more, and it's already 11:30pm. It was beautiful out today, warm and sunny with blue skies, and all I could think of was running into oncoming traffic. For real. It's not even that I want to think that, but that's all that's on my mind. How best to off myself. All the time. Pills? Hanging? How can I best make it look like an accident so that people won't have to feel guilty? I also have 3 histology labs (6 hours worth) to go over, plus another 6 hours of anatomy lab talks, and 4 lectures to read and highlight. And then I have to take notes on everything. So 30 lectures to take notes on. Had to coach today. My girls had an exhibition game against another city and my roommate (and co-coach) made me ref it. I was pissed at first, but, finally, thank God because I would not have been able to deal with the other overly-hyper, overly-happy coaches if I had had to sit on the bench. My girls won, 6-2, which is a rarity. But that game meant that I had to go all the way home, passing by my house without stopping by because my parents and I aren't currently speaking. And then I had to take the bus all the way back to the apartment because I can't/won't sleep in the house that I grew up in. And tomorrow I'm gonna have to do it all over again because I have my own soccer game and then this musical thing I do with my roommate's church for Good Friday (we rehearse on Sundays). So I'm gonna have to go to the library down the street from my house between both because my mom told me not to come back, and I have too much pride and anger and resentment to ask her to change her mind. Plus I'm working Monday and Tuesday. Plus I have to accompany my first-year patient to hospital visits on Tuesday and Wednesday. Plus I have class on Tuesday and a small group. Plus I have a blood-drawing session at the simulation center on Wednesday. Plus I have that UN thing Wednesday night. I am so screwed. My exam is Friday and I have to get through all of this before then. And I can't concentrate. And all I can think about is food and how fat I am and what a terrible person I am and when am I going to have time to run and throwing up and dying. That's all I can think about. Sorry that this is all just an incoherent mess, but that's all that I am right now: an incoherent mess. I saw a childhood friend of mine today, and I know that she couldn't stand being with me because I'm just a zombie. I'm just a shell. I'm like the echo of who I used to be. Pathetic.


  1. Oh sweetie, I just want to wrap you in a blanket and give you a cup of tea and tell you to take a deep breath. Your suicidal thoughts are very worrying, and I'm not surprised you're feeling the repercussions of having such a big workload. You have so much to try to cope with, even before mental health issues.
    I wish I had some wonderful words of advice, but I'm drawing a blank. I can't imagine what it's like to be doing so much with an ED screaming in your head the entire time too. Your head must be going a mile-a-minute, in six different directions.

    You're in my thoughts hun. Love and a great big hug <3 xx

    1. P.S, I did enjoy your little story about 'psoriasis' of the fingers :P Mine are in an awful state, I spend literally hours pulling the skin off with tweezers :S No wonder I get so many infections... xx

  2. I know right now is difficult hun. I wish I could say something that would help but I know nothing really does. Just take a breath. The oncoming week is daunting, I know. I have an exam at 630 tonight, an exam Wednesday, a big lab write up due Thursday, just a shit storm of stuff and thoughts and I just feel tired thinking about it. I know that feeling though, wondering why you can't lose and can't stop eating. It's difficult.
    Know that you are loved!