I hate me, that bitch.

I feel so awful. My parents keep buying me things. I know that they mean well, but they have hurt me so much in my life that I am overwhelmed right now and don't know how to react. They say that I'm ungrateful, and maybe I am. Which in turn just fills me with more guilt and more resentment towards them. I know that it sounds insane and that I sound like a spoiled brat. I feel like a spoiled brat. I hate feeling this way. At the same time, all this stuff just can't make me feel better towards them. But I need these things. So it's all twisted inside of me and I just feel horrible. And we fight and fight and I don't know what to do anymore because I know that I'm being ungrateful. But, at the same time, I don't want to have to thank them for anything. Everything that I have ever gotten or achieved in my life was thanks to my own sheer willpower and sweat and tears. I don't like saying thank you and I especially don't like saying thank you to people who hurt me my whole life. Does this make any sense? Am I just a brat? God, I feel terrible, so torn inside. I have just never been able to say thank you to them. It feels like weakness, it feels like I'm exposing myself and being vulnerable and bending over in front of the king so that he can chop my head off. I'm definitely insane, but that's just how it feels. God.

On a calorie note, yesterday was a total disaster. I was sick at work and then got home and ate tons because I was starving and empty inside and just needed to feel like I would explode. Again, I know that I sound insane, but that's what I need sometimes. I need to feel like the gaping hole inside of me is being filled with something and all I can fill it with is food. Such a stereotype. That's all I am now, an angsty spoiled brat of a child who replaces love with food. Wow. What a cliche. I'm pathetic. Anyways, here's today's breakdown:

• 1/2 glass of orange juice (55cal)
• Banana (100cal)
• Natural peanut butter (180cal)
• Candied ginger (estimating 100cal)
• 2 smoked-meat sandwiches (estimating 460cal)
• Endive salad (ate almost none, estimating 10cal)

Total: Under 1000cal, give or take a few. I think I might go throw up now, because I'm trying to resist the urge to carve the word BITCH into my calve like I do sometimes. I know I'll regret it if I do it and I still have the shiny scars from last time.  I think puking will be less destructive long-term, though it will definitely not make me feel as good immediatly. Anyways. I'm just a fucking cliche, it's killing me.

I'm sorry. Not only do I feel guilty like hell today, I feel guilty for making whoever is reading read this. Like, you don't know me, you shouldn't have to deal with my mental crap. God. Fucking hell.

Anyways, I'm sorry.

Oh. And did I mention that I fucking miss my ex so bad right now that I think my heart just might explode out of my chest? Yeah, that's right, this is someone I was "seeing" for 5 months LAST FUCKING YEAR and I have now had a boyfriend for nearly 2 months, stopped seeing the other guy just about a year ago and I can't fucking let go. And my boyfriend is just the sweetest ever, would never hurt me or treat me like the other guy did, and yet I'm just weak and stupid and selfish and masochistic and I just can't stop thinking about the other guy. And it fucking hurts so bad. I want to cry but I am physically unable to cry anymore, haven't cried in 5 months because I just can't anymore. My shrink says that I won't let myself and maybe he's right, but I want to so bad. I wish I could cry. I wish I could get some relief. But I don't feel anything but a dull permanent ache in my heart and in my head and my mind shredding to bits. That's all I feel. That and I feel myself slowing losing my mind and dying inside. And I need to free myself somehow from it all but I just can't. So, yeah, not only am I the worst daughter in all of history, but I am also the worst fucking girlfriend. I want to tear off my skin and crawl out of it and be free of everything, but I can't. I fucking hate myself so much, which is just another cliche, I know, but I really do. I just want to tear myself away from me. I'm so tired. So tired of everything. Listening to All Too Well by Taylor Swift on repeat, thinking of my ex while my bf is texting me to say that he misses me and I just feel like the worst bitch ever. These are the times that I just want to let go of myself and disappear, disintegrate into the universe. God. Why can't I just have some peace in my mind? Is that too fucking much to ask? Just some quiet?

Again, I'm sorry.

What a fail

Ok, so, I suck. I'm pms-ing like a crazy person, my period is now 3 days late, and I can't seem to stop eating. I want to devour everything, regardless of the fact that things at work are incredibly overpriced. So much for the HSGD. Ugggh. I think I'll just try to live with as little guilt and while doing as little damage as possible until the Holidays are over and then weigh myself, found out how bad everything is and pick up from there. Because, right now, I'm getting so much anxiety thinking about the next week and a half and how I won't be able to stop myself from eating with all the parties I have and my period and everything. I will probably end up feeling sick and throwing up a lot, but that just seems to be my reality now, no matter what I eat. I can't go a day without throwing up, unless I eat like less than 500cal. Otherwise, I throw up every single day, at least once, but usually twice and sometimes more. I'm going crazy. I know how disappointing this will sound to you, I feel terribly disappointed myself, but I just don't see how I can do this. I am literally having to fight off a panic attack every time I think about food. But I want SO MUCH. And I am giving myself enough anxiety over work and school coming up and the move and the house warming party that I'm going to have to throw, I can't be giving myself anxiety about food too, I'm going to go insane. Plus I'm not seeing any shrinky people at least until school starts, so I have to try to remain somewhat sane on my own for a bit. And food helps with that. I know it's terrible, but it does. It makes me feel better. I grew up with people that always fed me to comfort me, and it worked. So that's what I'm used to. Once school starts and I'm all settled in my new home (cue the panic attack), I'll have more control over everything and I'll be able to better plan and control what and when I eat. Thank God. I'm actually seriously freaking out right now.

HSGD

I woke up and had a huge breakfast. I guess I was hungry from yesterday. I don't usually tend to binge in the morning, but that's exactly what seemed to happen. I had:

• Orange juice (110cal)
• Orange (47cal)
• Banana (100cal)
• Natural peanut butter (180cal)
• 2 slices of rye bread (160cal)

So it is now just passed 8AM and I am already sitting on nearly 600cal. Yeah. Not an excellent start to the day. 

I think I'm going to start the healthy skinny girl diet (HSGD). I've started it before and it went pretty well. I'm allowed unlimited fruits and veggies on it, so that's always good motivation to eat those instead of high-calorie flour-based foods or dairy products. The calorie limits seem pretty high to me, though, so I'll start it and maybe reduce it if I find it's too much. I just don't think that I'm ready to take on the SGD yet. I have hypoglycemia, so I was raised to fear not eating enough. Which is probably part of the reason that I have so many problems when it comes to food. Anyways. 

So, yeah, on the HSGD. I'll do the first Friday, Saturday and Sunday on the calendar this weekend, then start from the very beginning on Monday. So I'll be on the diet 33 days instead of 30. Which means that today I'm allowed 950cal, minus fruits and veggies. Which means that I have almost 700cal left for the day. Quite a bit, actually. I only brought an orange, 2 clementines and some mixed salted nuts to work. I might buy a soup, too, as I like using that as my lunchtime walk, haha. I brought tea too because I'm always freezing over here (I'm currently wearing my winter jacket).

Speaking of cold, yesterday really was the mother of all storms. It actually broke tons of records. 45cm of snow fell on the city in 24h, and over 50cm just outside of the city. Cars and buses were stalled everywhere, people abandoned their vehicles on the highway, it was total chaos. I don't mind the snow (I used to really love it, actually, and I still kind of do), but I hate chaos. And I hate people who can't drive. Snowstorms seem to call all the bad drivers out of their hiding places and make them hit the road (and each other) all at the same time. It's pretty terrible. At least I didn't have to drive and deal with them yesterday. But I did have to deal with people being stupid in transit. It's pretty amazing, really, how dumb people can get. Anyways. Done ranting now, haha.

I'll probably update later with a follow-up on my intake. I don't know how I'm going to manage once school starts up again, there's no way I'll be able to update as often. I'm going to be starting up some new blogs today, too.

Enjoy your day!

E. xx

The weather outside is frightful

Today was a pretty bad day. The kind of day where you should've just stayed in bed, you know?

I woke up to a huge snowstorm, the snowstorm of the year I think. Had to go to work though. Ended up being 45 minutes late, as is took me nearly 2 hours and a half to get there... Sigh... Anyways, once I finally got home, I was extremely ill. I ate a lot of sugar-free chocolate-covered cherries at work (so yummy), sweetened with maltose, and I have a feeling that I cannot digest maltose (looked it up, for the biologists/med people out there, it seems to be autosomal recessive, but can come in a mild form if the person is a carrier. So maybe that's what I am). Anyways. Really should have just stayed in bed. Now have a 12-hour shift to look forward to tomorrow... Sigh... All I want to do is sleep and laze around and work on my apartment, but there's no time for any of that. Sorry this is such a boring/pointless/depressing post, haha... I've been in a weird mood lately. It happens sometimes.

Anyways, in other news, got my first comments and follower today! Woohoo, so exciting! Thank you so much girlies, I am really flattered. It's also so interesting to see where my readers are from. I mean, I love how global the world is now. Also I am probably significantly below 1000cal for my intake today, never mind all of it that was flushed away, so that's good news.

Sorry, really boring post, I know, I'm tired. Guess I'll have to save the deep posts about life for tomorrow at work, haha

P.S. I've realized that I forgot to mention my HW. I was 167-168 at my highest, I think (I am absolutely mortified to be writing this... :s). This was when I lived with my Italian grandparents for 2 years and was literally being force-fed (guilt works miracles on me, for real). Since I've started med, I've lost about 15-20lbs. This wasn't really with much work, except maybe the running that I did consistently, so I don't know whether it's due to stress or a change in diet (though I didn't live with my grandparents last year and I'm pretty sure that I weighed the same). So, yeah. A lot of people have been commenting on how my face looks skinnier and stuff, which is nice. I have pretty round cheeks and dimples to begin with, so I'd really love to get some nice cheekbones eventually. Anywaaays... Bed time soon! 

And the light keeps pouring down, but all I am is dark inside

Only a bit over an hour left at work. Thank God. My eyes must be red and bloodshot from staring at this screen all day. Been reading a lot of blogs, though, so that was nice. Read Katie Elizabeth's blog entirely and am almost done Little Miss Thin's. I love the different styles, the different stories behind each blog. I love getting to know a side of people through their posts. I think that you really see what's important to people this way, it's pretty interesting. Though I have to admit that reading all this is making me want to weigh myself so badly. I know that some serious damage was done over the past few days, so I need to know where I am restarting from and where I stand. I'm at about 700cal for the day right now. I had only brought fruit to work, but caved and bought a soup and a piece of cake (terrible, I know). My period is late though so I am pms-ing like crazy, it's making me want so much food, so badly. Plus I can feel my metabolism coming to a halt as I haven't been for a run in 2 weeks and a half, ever since exams and since the ground has had a sheet of ice on it. I can't wait to be moved out and settled at my apartment near school where I can run on the indoor track. And I can't wait until soccer restarts after the Holidays. At least, when I work as a cashier, I am standing for 6 hours straight, so hopefully I burn a few calories there. And when I have school, I walk a good 40 minutes per day. But when I do 12-hour shifts at my desk job, like today, I really do nothing at all. It's terrible. I am someone who loves to move and to exercise, but I just am not doing that right now. And it's killing me. Anyways, this will be a short post I guess. I will try not to eat anything else for today. I think it's very feasible as, when I get home later, I will be exhausted and will just want to crash. Then tomorrow is a new battle. One day at a time.

So this is Christmas

So, Christmas came and went. It was exactly as great as I would have liked. I used to love Christmas, or at least the idea of Christmas, so very much. But now I am just numb to everything, including this. So it all just feels so surreal. Did gifts with the rentals, and saw two friends and their families today. It was ok. Way too much food though, threw up after breakfast and dinner. Definitely more than 2000cal anyways. I don't even want to talk or think about it, because it is just so discouraging. I also haven't been able to weigh myself in ages, which is seriously stressing me out. Tomorrow I will do a fruit and veggie fast I think to try to detox a bit from all the crazy amount of food that I have eaten in the last couple of days. That should make me feel better. I've also been a bit of an emotional wreck, cannot seem to be able to deal with my family at all. It also makes me feel incredibly guilty though because I know that I am ruining the very last Christmas that I will spend living at home. So I think that it makes my parents very sad. Part of me doesn't care because they have hurt me so much in my life, but another part of me always feels guilty. It's pretty terrible, actually, being torn between the two. Deep within me, guilt always wins. But, if I show this guilt to them, I feel like they win somehow. Like it proves something, though I'm not quite sure what. It's the same with my moving out. Part of me just can't let them win, but another part is dying inside...

Anyways, I am just so tired now, hoping to get at least a little bit of sleep before my 12-hour shift tomorrow.

Wishing you and your families all the very best in this last hour of Christmas,

E.

Once again, should be posting about Christmas, but oh well...

How can you tell the one person that thinks that you're just so incredibly wonderful just how much you hate yourself? How you walk around every single day despising what you look like, how you feel, how you think, what goes on in your head, what you do and say, the choices that you made/make/will make, your life, your family, your level of messed-up...? How do you tell him that you have to constantly resist the urge to slice the inside of your calves and the need to throw up because you are at such a level of permanent shittiness that it makes you sick? How do you explain this to someone that only sees success and beauty and happiness when he looks at you, but doesn't realize that it's all just an illusion, a pretty picture that you paint? How do you go about bursting that perfect bubble that not only you helped build, but that you also helped sustain all this time because that's what you're good at, faking it? How do you do this?

Because I have no idea.






Oh and P.S.
Don't even get me started on food. It was too much food today. That's all. Ridiculous amounts. I mean, I'm Italian. And, on Christmas Eve, we eat. A lot. I threw up a little, but my aunt was sick in the bathroom for most of the night, so I couldn't do anymore damage control than that. I don't even want to talk about it, it was a disaster. Tomorrow will be bad too. Then I have to regain some control. Anyways, Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones, and Merry Christmas to the Christians reading this. Love, E.

At least my tummy is growling now that it is empty at last

So today was a good and bad day. Food was bad. Very bad. Last night, the boyfriend made me matzo ball soup and latke. So just under 1000cal for yesterday, I think. I love it when he cooks for me. I feel so spoiled. But I hate eating it. And then I just want to throw up, but I feel guilty because I know that he worked hard to make it for me and I don't want him to notice. So I didn't throw up. Neither did I sleep, but that was to be expected as I never really sleep at his place. Plus his roommate started banging things around at 7am. Who makes that much noise at 7 on a Sunday morning?  I'm so not a morning person, it's terrible. Mornings are the one time that I swear that I could commit murder. I think it's because it just takes me so long to fall asleep that I hate whoever wakes me up, especially when I'm not supposed to wake up yet. I just get so little sleep that it becomes so very precious.

Anyways, then, this morning, the food situation just went from bad to worse. My boyfriend made me a HUGE brunch: yogurt, orange-grapefruit juice, fruit salad, half a latke, cheese muffin and almond croissant. I died. I wanted to throw up so badly, I just felt so greasy. That's what happens when I eat too much: I just feel greasy somehow, inside and out. Then went to the apartment where my roommate made me have this Spanish dessert thing. And then she had a friend over who decided to take us out for souvlaki. So I had half a chicken kebab, half a side-order of Greek fries and half a side-order of Greek salad. Oh and two slices of garlic bread. And a diet coke. Then (I know, it never ends), I went to a friend's where I had chocolate-covered raisins and almonds and soy milk. But I got home and threw most of it up, thank god, a long with a part of dinner, I think. So I'd say that I'm under 2000cal. Which is incredibly too much, but at least I didn't go above the upper limit of what my intake can be based on my resting metabolism. Thank God. Throwing up chocolate is just the worst, though.Also haven't been able to weigh myself in ages as the scale is in my parents' room and I haven't had access to it/I haven't slept at home.

And now I can't sleep. I wanted to write about how I can't believe that it is already Christmas Eve and about what a disaster it will be this year, but I simply no longer have the energy. I also wanted to write about how my boyfriend's was good and bad yesterday and today. But thinking of all that food that I ingested has exhausted me. Guess I'll just wish whoever (if anyone) is reading this the very best for the Holidays. Hopefully they'll be better for you than for me.

Love,
E.

Everybody fails sometimes

So, here I am, 9.5 hours after the start of my shift. More tired, more cranky and more fat. I caved and bought a cream of veggie soup, as well as eating a grapefruit that I brought. So I'm sitting on roughly 720cal so far. Which would be fine if that was all that I'm planning to eat today, but it's not. I'm going to my boyfriend's later, and there will be tons of food and wine. I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. But he's leaving for the Holidays and I know that he wants to cuddle and watch movies and frolic (read: fool around). I know that I'm the worst girlfriend ever, but I just cannot be bothered. I don't want to cuddle, make out or watch movies. Or eat. Or drink. I just want to sleep. I just want to take my 720cal, burn 120 of them doing crunches, and then go to bed. I don't know why this is unreasonable. I don't even sleep well when I'm at his place and I'm ashamed to take my meds because I know that he will judge me. I just hate failing. And my meds make me feel like a big fat failure. The only consolation is that they're supposed to make me gain weight by increasing appetite, but I haven't let them. Anyways, all this to say that this is exactly why I've never had a boyfriend before; because I simply cannot be bothered. I go throw life completely numb to everything, and it's the same when it comes to boys. Sure, I can kiss and all that, but is it something that I really really want? No, not really. And I know that he'll miss me when I'm gone, but I just don't miss people. I dunno. I don't know why I bother with this relationship thing. I'm just so tired.

I've been thinking a lot about how, in a lot of things I do, it's all or nothing, black or white. I love my friends or I hate them, I want to be with my boyfriend or I can't stand him, I don't eat or I stuff my face... I feel like it's a recurrent theme in a lot of the blogs too. Like, there are no in-betweens. Which is funny because, like I said, I go through life completely numb. I don't cry anymore. I can't. Even when I cut: it's planned out and methodical, not emotional at all. Pretty interesting, actually, if it weren't so freaking annoying not to feel happy or excited about anything anymore. So, yeah, I know that what I just wrote was pretty oxymoronic; didn't mean for it to be, it's just the kinda paradox that I feel like I'm living in. Extremes in my behaviour, but absolute neutrality in my emotions. If anyone has any idea of why that is, I'd love to hear your theories.

Anyways, back to work for another 2 hours or so. Should be able to tough it out. Haven't accomplished anything though, which kind of sucks. Oh well. I'm on break for the Holidays and I'm exhausted, maybe I should cut myself some slack (ha, yeah right).

Love always,

E.

How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes

So, I think I've got the bags under my eyes down packed. Worked a 6-hour shift at one place last night, slept a couple of hours, and now back at my other job for a nice little 12-hour shift. Gotta love the Holidays.

 I wanted to write last night, but was too tired. Plus I knew that it would probably take too much time. I've been seriously slacking off lately. I was doing so well for a few days there, fruit and veggie fasts, less than 800cal a day. And then, 2 days ago, I got home around midnight after work and just went crazy. Binged on cheese and milk and carbs. It was insane. And then I didn't even puke after. But I woke up yesterday morning feeling awful, had to cancel a couple of appointments. Had some turkey soup to calm my belly. Went to the apartment where my roommate and some friends were cleaning, and my boyfriend had bought pizza, so, of course, I had some. Then he brought me this dessert thing at work. And, at work, I had a couple of chocolate-covered nuts and such, and a mini cupcake that my boss had made. And then, back home, ate more cheese and carbs and junk. My tummy just couldn't take it anymore, and I threw up. 

I know that it sounds crazy, but I like throwing up. Well, I mean, I do and I don't. I do in the sense that I like being able to make it come up. I like the feeling of emptiness after. I like how I can see my over-stuffed-and-expanded belly just shrink more and more as more comes out. And, as twisted as it sounds, I like seeing all that food in the toilet. I like estimating how much I got rid of. I like realizing what comes up more easily, what's more difficult, what sticks around longer and what gets absorbed right away (I know, kinda gross, but I'm a scientist, haha). 

But, at the same time, I don't. I don't like bending over for anything or anyone. I don't like having my face in the toilet, like some wasted sorority girl (ironically enough, I've never been sick from drinking). I don't like having to hide and clean up after myself. And I don't like the feeling of shame that I get. I mean, this week hasn't been so bad, because I managed to go a couple of days without throwing up at all. But, recently, I have been throwing up 2-3 times a day. Anywhere. I mean, I'll find a bathroom at school and go there. At my boyfriend's house, in hiding. At my friend's house. At a bar. At a Wendy's once (I was there with friends, hadn't ordered anything). And, I mean, I just feel so ashamed, you know? Stopping whenever someone comes in the bathroom or near it, practically holding my breath as I'm bent in half over the toilet. Coming out of the stall or wherever, having to wash my face and rinse my mouth, asking people for a mint or gum, face red and eyes bloodshot, saying that I don't feel very well. I mean, I'm so strong, or at least that's what I make (almost) everybody believe. And, even though I know that being able to control what my body absorbs and what it doesn't makes me strong, other people don't think so. Because people normally associated throwing up with being sick or wasted, but most definitely weak. And, if there's one thing I hate, it's people think that I'm weak. 

Anyways, all this to say that I've been failing. Maybe it's the Holidays. I've noticed that a lot of people stop posting around the Holidays, my guess is because it gets pretty tough not to eat. Today I had a breakfast pita with low-fat ricotta and a glass of orange juice, so about 380cal. I only brought fruit with me to work. But I'm going to my boyfriend's house after and he's cooking. And I always feel too bad to not eat anything. I mean, he's sweet enough to cook for me, how can I say no? Also haven't been running in ages, it's killing me. As soon as I'm moved out, I'll start running at the indoor track at school I think. My times and distances were finally getting ok-ish, and now I'll have to restart from scratch. Uggh. 

I also realized that I haven't posted my high weight. I was 166 (about) at my highest. I know, disgusting, don't even get me started. I was living at my grandparents' then and they just fed me like crazy. But I have pretty much dropped 20lbs since September. And I don't mean a fluctuating 20lbs taken in the morning after I haven't eaten for almost 24h. I mean a solid 20lbs, even with food in me. So that's a good start. I'd love to drop another 10 to get to 135 soon-ish. it's gonna be really difficult with all the Holiday eating that's coming up, but I'm thinking that it's doable for let's say mid-January. I want to be realistic, and I want it to be off for good, not something that I get after starving myself for a week and then I just bounce right back as soon as I eat more than 1000cal. 

Anyways, here we go again with a long post, haha. There were other things that I wanted to mention, but I guess I'll save those for later. Gonna go look at some thinspo to stop me from eating out of shear boredom here. One hour down, 11 to go. Wish me luck!

All my love,

E.

Just joining the broken hearts' parade

Hi there,

I feel a bit odd starting a blog, but I have also feeling a bit strange lately because I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs without ever commenting or following. I feel like I get to know you, but you don't know me, and I found this a bit unfair. I think that the whole point of a blog is not just to have anonymous readers, but also to have some kind of exchange between people who think and feel the same way. And, in reading your blogs, I have found some relief in knowing that there are people out there who are going through the exact same things as me. My head is a bit of a mess, but it's nice to realize that other people's heads are a bit messy too (no offense intended, obviously, haha). Frankly, it's a bit relieving. Because I have found that my friends don't understand (or I'm too ashamed to tell them what's going on), I can't really speak to my family about these sorts of things, and my shrinks have all been kind of useless (just admitting, to no one in particular since no one is reading this, that I have and have had shrinks gives me such a rush of anxiety, you have no idea). I spend most of my time pretending to have all my stuff together, but, meanwhile, my head is slowly imploding. I've always loved to write (though I usually prefer to do so in French), so I figured that this might be a good way to get my thoughts out of my skull for at least a bit.

So, now that I have managed to bore you all (haha, all 0 of you) to death, here's a bit about me (though I'd like to remain as anonymous as possible, for reasons which will become obvious shortly). I'm a 20 year old first-year medical student. In the spring of this year, I was "diagnosed" (dunno if it's because I'm in med, but I really don't give psychology much credit...) with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder for which I have recently been prescribed a fourth kind of medication. I have chronic insomnia (meaning that, if left to my own devices, I sleep, on average, 4 hours per night, though the range is like between 1 and 6), for which the docs have been trying to give me antidepressants that make me drowsy so that my typical night's sleep has now increased from 4 hours to about 6. I have a lot of guilt issues, mild OCD, dermatillomania, cutting... I am currently discussing with the psychiatrist that I am seeing the possibility of me having borderline personality disorder (very likely) and bulimia (meh... that's another story). I have recently started also counting calories obsessively and making lists of things that I eat or will eat. I keep track of that online with a calorie counter, as well as obsessively mapping my runs (I run about 4 times a week, though now that the weather has gotten so awful I will have to find someplace to run indoors). On top of med school, I have recently started working 2 jobs (which is where I am now, very bored, which lead me to start writing), am currently moving out of my parents' home (and what has been my house for 16 years) to share an apartment with a close friend, and recently started "officially" dating someone (meaning that he is my very first boyfriend because, along with all my other problems, I have serious commitment issues).

Anyways, I hope that this hasn't been too boring. I've never really writing this sort of thing. We'll see how it goes, I think that I might like to keep it up.

Oh and my initials are actually E.D. (funny coincidence, I know), but you can call me E. I guess. I would like to remain anonymous because the medical field is a very small and tightly knit one, and I would like to not jeopardize my future career with what I write here. 

If you have read all this, thank you very much for your time and sorry for the long post.

With all my love,

E.

P.S. Oh and about the title of my blog. I have absolutely no illusions: I am far from perfect. But I feel that, if I try hard enough, perfection is not unattainable. I am tired of shrinks telling me that I am setting myself up to fail; what if I am setting myself up to constantly be better? And I have just recently decided that I want this to not only pass through my academic successes, but also through a certain perfecting of my body. I know that it might sound stupid, but I want to be thin. I want that gap between my thighs, I want that perfect collarbone, ribs and ilium. I have always been athletic and I am kind of large-boned, but I don't care; I want them to stick out. I want to be the girl that people look at and think "Wow, look at her." And I want it to be because they think I'm thin, too thin maybe, and a bit tragic. I want the bobble head and the bags under my eyes. Maybe I won't get there, just like I may never achieve perfection, but I sure can try. So that's what my "ideal me" is: Tragic Perfection. Welcome to my head, it's a scary place to be.