Tuesday, December 25, 2012

So this is Christmas

So, Christmas came and went. It was exactly as great as I would have liked. I used to love Christmas, or at least the idea of Christmas, so very much. But now I am just numb to everything, including this. So it all just feels so surreal. Did gifts with the rentals, and saw two friends and their families today. It was ok. Way too much food though, threw up after breakfast and dinner. Definitely more than 2000cal anyways. I don't even want to talk or think about it, because it is just so discouraging. I also haven't been able to weigh myself in ages, which is seriously stressing me out. Tomorrow I will do a fruit and veggie fast I think to try to detox a bit from all the crazy amount of food that I have eaten in the last couple of days. That should make me feel better. I've also been a bit of an emotional wreck, cannot seem to be able to deal with my family at all. It also makes me feel incredibly guilty though because I know that I am ruining the very last Christmas that I will spend living at home. So I think that it makes my parents very sad. Part of me doesn't care because they have hurt me so much in my life, but another part of me always feels guilty. It's pretty terrible, actually, being torn between the two. Deep within me, guilt always wins. But, if I show this guilt to them, I feel like they win somehow. Like it proves something, though I'm not quite sure what. It's the same with my moving out. Part of me just can't let them win, but another part is dying inside...

Anyways, I am just so tired now, hoping to get at least a little bit of sleep before my 12-hour shift tomorrow.

Wishing you and your families all the very best in this last hour of Christmas,



  1. Sending you a hug

    Hang in there x

    1. You too my dear, hope you are getting through all this Holiday madness not too badly.