Saturday, December 22, 2012

How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes

So, I think I've got the bags under my eyes down packed. Worked a 6-hour shift at one place last night, slept a couple of hours, and now back at my other job for a nice little 12-hour shift. Gotta love the Holidays.

 I wanted to write last night, but was too tired. Plus I knew that it would probably take too much time. I've been seriously slacking off lately. I was doing so well for a few days there, fruit and veggie fasts, less than 800cal a day. And then, 2 days ago, I got home around midnight after work and just went crazy. Binged on cheese and milk and carbs. It was insane. And then I didn't even puke after. But I woke up yesterday morning feeling awful, had to cancel a couple of appointments. Had some turkey soup to calm my belly. Went to the apartment where my roommate and some friends were cleaning, and my boyfriend had bought pizza, so, of course, I had some. Then he brought me this dessert thing at work. And, at work, I had a couple of chocolate-covered nuts and such, and a mini cupcake that my boss had made. And then, back home, ate more cheese and carbs and junk. My tummy just couldn't take it anymore, and I threw up. 

I know that it sounds crazy, but I like throwing up. Well, I mean, I do and I don't. I do in the sense that I like being able to make it come up. I like the feeling of emptiness after. I like how I can see my over-stuffed-and-expanded belly just shrink more and more as more comes out. And, as twisted as it sounds, I like seeing all that food in the toilet. I like estimating how much I got rid of. I like realizing what comes up more easily, what's more difficult, what sticks around longer and what gets absorbed right away (I know, kinda gross, but I'm a scientist, haha). 

But, at the same time, I don't. I don't like bending over for anything or anyone. I don't like having my face in the toilet, like some wasted sorority girl (ironically enough, I've never been sick from drinking). I don't like having to hide and clean up after myself. And I don't like the feeling of shame that I get. I mean, this week hasn't been so bad, because I managed to go a couple of days without throwing up at all. But, recently, I have been throwing up 2-3 times a day. Anywhere. I mean, I'll find a bathroom at school and go there. At my boyfriend's house, in hiding. At my friend's house. At a bar. At a Wendy's once (I was there with friends, hadn't ordered anything). And, I mean, I just feel so ashamed, you know? Stopping whenever someone comes in the bathroom or near it, practically holding my breath as I'm bent in half over the toilet. Coming out of the stall or wherever, having to wash my face and rinse my mouth, asking people for a mint or gum, face red and eyes bloodshot, saying that I don't feel very well. I mean, I'm so strong, or at least that's what I make (almost) everybody believe. And, even though I know that being able to control what my body absorbs and what it doesn't makes me strong, other people don't think so. Because people normally associated throwing up with being sick or wasted, but most definitely weak. And, if there's one thing I hate, it's people think that I'm weak. 

Anyways, all this to say that I've been failing. Maybe it's the Holidays. I've noticed that a lot of people stop posting around the Holidays, my guess is because it gets pretty tough not to eat. Today I had a breakfast pita with low-fat ricotta and a glass of orange juice, so about 380cal. I only brought fruit with me to work. But I'm going to my boyfriend's house after and he's cooking. And I always feel too bad to not eat anything. I mean, he's sweet enough to cook for me, how can I say no? Also haven't been running in ages, it's killing me. As soon as I'm moved out, I'll start running at the indoor track at school I think. My times and distances were finally getting ok-ish, and now I'll have to restart from scratch. Uggh. 

I also realized that I haven't posted my high weight. I was 166 (about) at my highest. I know, disgusting, don't even get me started. I was living at my grandparents' then and they just fed me like crazy. But I have pretty much dropped 20lbs since September. And I don't mean a fluctuating 20lbs taken in the morning after I haven't eaten for almost 24h. I mean a solid 20lbs, even with food in me. So that's a good start. I'd love to drop another 10 to get to 135 soon-ish. it's gonna be really difficult with all the Holiday eating that's coming up, but I'm thinking that it's doable for let's say mid-January. I want to be realistic, and I want it to be off for good, not something that I get after starving myself for a week and then I just bounce right back as soon as I eat more than 1000cal. 

Anyways, here we go again with a long post, haha. There were other things that I wanted to mention, but I guess I'll save those for later. Gonna go look at some thinspo to stop me from eating out of shear boredom here. One hour down, 11 to go. Wish me luck!

All my love,


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