Once again, should be posting about Christmas, but oh well...

How can you tell the one person that thinks that you're just so incredibly wonderful just how much you hate yourself? How you walk around every single day despising what you look like, how you feel, how you think, what goes on in your head, what you do and say, the choices that you made/make/will make, your life, your family, your level of messed-up...? How do you tell him that you have to constantly resist the urge to slice the inside of your calves and the need to throw up because you are at such a level of permanent shittiness that it makes you sick? How do you explain this to someone that only sees success and beauty and happiness when he looks at you, but doesn't realize that it's all just an illusion, a pretty picture that you paint? How do you go about bursting that perfect bubble that not only you helped build, but that you also helped sustain all this time because that's what you're good at, faking it? How do you do this?

Because I have no idea.






Oh and P.S.
Don't even get me started on food. It was too much food today. That's all. Ridiculous amounts. I mean, I'm Italian. And, on Christmas Eve, we eat. A lot. I threw up a little, but my aunt was sick in the bathroom for most of the night, so I couldn't do anymore damage control than that. I don't even want to talk about it, it was a disaster. Tomorrow will be bad too. Then I have to regain some control. Anyways, Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones, and Merry Christmas to the Christians reading this. Love, E.