So, here I am, 9.5 hours after the start of my shift. More tired, more cranky and more fat. I caved and bought a cream of veggie soup, as well as eating a grapefruit that I brought. So I'm sitting on roughly 720cal so far. Which would be fine if that was all that I'm planning to eat today, but it's not. I'm going to my boyfriend's later, and there will be tons of food and wine. I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. But he's leaving for the Holidays and I know that he wants to cuddle and watch movies and frolic (read: fool around). I know that I'm the worst girlfriend ever, but I just cannot be bothered. I don't want to cuddle, make out or watch movies. Or eat. Or drink. I just want to sleep. I just want to take my 720cal, burn 120 of them doing crunches, and then go to bed. I don't know why this is unreasonable. I don't even sleep well when I'm at his place and I'm ashamed to take my meds because I know that he will judge me. I just hate failing. And my meds make me feel like a big fat failure. The only consolation is that they're supposed to make me gain weight by increasing appetite, but I haven't let them. Anyways, all this to say that this is exactly why I've never had a boyfriend before; because I simply cannot be bothered. I go throw life completely numb to everything, and it's the same when it comes to boys. Sure, I can kiss and all that, but is it something that I really really want? No, not really. And I know that he'll miss me when I'm gone, but I just don't miss people. I dunno. I don't know why I bother with this relationship thing. I'm just so tired.
I've been thinking a lot about how, in a lot of things I do, it's all or nothing, black or white. I love my friends or I hate them, I want to be with my boyfriend or I can't stand him, I don't eat or I stuff my face... I feel like it's a recurrent theme in a lot of the blogs too. Like, there are no in-betweens. Which is funny because, like I said, I go through life completely numb. I don't cry anymore. I can't. Even when I cut: it's planned out and methodical, not emotional at all. Pretty interesting, actually, if it weren't so freaking annoying not to feel happy or excited about anything anymore. So, yeah, I know that what I just wrote was pretty oxymoronic; didn't mean for it to be, it's just the kinda paradox that I feel like I'm living in. Extremes in my behaviour, but absolute neutrality in my emotions. If anyone has any idea of why that is, I'd love to hear your theories.
Anyways, back to work for another 2 hours or so. Should be able to tough it out. Haven't accomplished anything though, which kind of sucks. Oh well. I'm on break for the Holidays and I'm exhausted, maybe I should cut myself some slack (ha, yeah right).
Love always,
E.
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