I hate me, that bitch.

I feel so awful. My parents keep buying me things. I know that they mean well, but they have hurt me so much in my life that I am overwhelmed right now and don't know how to react. They say that I'm ungrateful, and maybe I am. Which in turn just fills me with more guilt and more resentment towards them. I know that it sounds insane and that I sound like a spoiled brat. I feel like a spoiled brat. I hate feeling this way. At the same time, all this stuff just can't make me feel better towards them. But I need these things. So it's all twisted inside of me and I just feel horrible. And we fight and fight and I don't know what to do anymore because I know that I'm being ungrateful. But, at the same time, I don't want to have to thank them for anything. Everything that I have ever gotten or achieved in my life was thanks to my own sheer willpower and sweat and tears. I don't like saying thank you and I especially don't like saying thank you to people who hurt me my whole life. Does this make any sense? Am I just a brat? God, I feel terrible, so torn inside. I have just never been able to say thank you to them. It feels like weakness, it feels like I'm exposing myself and being vulnerable and bending over in front of the king so that he can chop my head off. I'm definitely insane, but that's just how it feels. God.

On a calorie note, yesterday was a total disaster. I was sick at work and then got home and ate tons because I was starving and empty inside and just needed to feel like I would explode. Again, I know that I sound insane, but that's what I need sometimes. I need to feel like the gaping hole inside of me is being filled with something and all I can fill it with is food. Such a stereotype. That's all I am now, an angsty spoiled brat of a child who replaces love with food. Wow. What a cliche. I'm pathetic. Anyways, here's today's breakdown:

• 1/2 glass of orange juice (55cal)
• Banana (100cal)
• Natural peanut butter (180cal)
• Candied ginger (estimating 100cal)
• 2 smoked-meat sandwiches (estimating 460cal)
• Endive salad (ate almost none, estimating 10cal)

Total: Under 1000cal, give or take a few. I think I might go throw up now, because I'm trying to resist the urge to carve the word BITCH into my calve like I do sometimes. I know I'll regret it if I do it and I still have the shiny scars from last time.  I think puking will be less destructive long-term, though it will definitely not make me feel as good immediatly. Anyways. I'm just a fucking cliche, it's killing me.

I'm sorry. Not only do I feel guilty like hell today, I feel guilty for making whoever is reading read this. Like, you don't know me, you shouldn't have to deal with my mental crap. God. Fucking hell.

Anyways, I'm sorry.

Oh. And did I mention that I fucking miss my ex so bad right now that I think my heart just might explode out of my chest? Yeah, that's right, this is someone I was "seeing" for 5 months LAST FUCKING YEAR and I have now had a boyfriend for nearly 2 months, stopped seeing the other guy just about a year ago and I can't fucking let go. And my boyfriend is just the sweetest ever, would never hurt me or treat me like the other guy did, and yet I'm just weak and stupid and selfish and masochistic and I just can't stop thinking about the other guy. And it fucking hurts so bad. I want to cry but I am physically unable to cry anymore, haven't cried in 5 months because I just can't anymore. My shrink says that I won't let myself and maybe he's right, but I want to so bad. I wish I could cry. I wish I could get some relief. But I don't feel anything but a dull permanent ache in my heart and in my head and my mind shredding to bits. That's all I feel. That and I feel myself slowing losing my mind and dying inside. And I need to free myself somehow from it all but I just can't. So, yeah, not only am I the worst daughter in all of history, but I am also the worst fucking girlfriend. I want to tear off my skin and crawl out of it and be free of everything, but I can't. I fucking hate myself so much, which is just another cliche, I know, but I really do. I just want to tear myself away from me. I'm so tired. So tired of everything. Listening to All Too Well by Taylor Swift on repeat, thinking of my ex while my bf is texting me to say that he misses me and I just feel like the worst bitch ever. These are the times that I just want to let go of myself and disappear, disintegrate into the universe. God. Why can't I just have some peace in my mind? Is that too fucking much to ask? Just some quiet?

Again, I'm sorry.

What a fail

Ok, so, I suck. I'm pms-ing like a crazy person, my period is now 3 days late, and I can't seem to stop eating. I want to devour everything, regardless of the fact that things at work are incredibly overpriced. So much for the HSGD. Ugggh. I think I'll just try to live with as little guilt and while doing as little damage as possible until the Holidays are over and then weigh myself, found out how bad everything is and pick up from there. Because, right now, I'm getting so much anxiety thinking about the next week and a half and how I won't be able to stop myself from eating with all the parties I have and my period and everything. I will probably end up feeling sick and throwing up a lot, but that just seems to be my reality now, no matter what I eat. I can't go a day without throwing up, unless I eat like less than 500cal. Otherwise, I throw up every single day, at least once, but usually twice and sometimes more. I'm going crazy. I know how disappointing this will sound to you, I feel terribly disappointed myself, but I just don't see how I can do this. I am literally having to fight off a panic attack every time I think about food. But I want SO MUCH. And I am giving myself enough anxiety over work and school coming up and the move and the house warming party that I'm going to have to throw, I can't be giving myself anxiety about food too, I'm going to go insane. Plus I'm not seeing any shrinky people at least until school starts, so I have to try to remain somewhat sane on my own for a bit. And food helps with that. I know it's terrible, but it does. It makes me feel better. I grew up with people that always fed me to comfort me, and it worked. So that's what I'm used to. Once school starts and I'm all settled in my new home (cue the panic attack), I'll have more control over everything and I'll be able to better plan and control what and when I eat. Thank God. I'm actually seriously freaking out right now.

HSGD

I woke up and had a huge breakfast. I guess I was hungry from yesterday. I don't usually tend to binge in the morning, but that's exactly what seemed to happen. I had:

• Orange juice (110cal)
• Orange (47cal)
• Banana (100cal)
• Natural peanut butter (180cal)
• 2 slices of rye bread (160cal)

So it is now just passed 8AM and I am already sitting on nearly 600cal. Yeah. Not an excellent start to the day. 

I think I'm going to start the healthy skinny girl diet (HSGD). I've started it before and it went pretty well. I'm allowed unlimited fruits and veggies on it, so that's always good motivation to eat those instead of high-calorie flour-based foods or dairy products. The calorie limits seem pretty high to me, though, so I'll start it and maybe reduce it if I find it's too much. I just don't think that I'm ready to take on the SGD yet. I have hypoglycemia, so I was raised to fear not eating enough. Which is probably part of the reason that I have so many problems when it comes to food. Anyways. 

So, yeah, on the HSGD. I'll do the first Friday, Saturday and Sunday on the calendar this weekend, then start from the very beginning on Monday. So I'll be on the diet 33 days instead of 30. Which means that today I'm allowed 950cal, minus fruits and veggies. Which means that I have almost 700cal left for the day. Quite a bit, actually. I only brought an orange, 2 clementines and some mixed salted nuts to work. I might buy a soup, too, as I like using that as my lunchtime walk, haha. I brought tea too because I'm always freezing over here (I'm currently wearing my winter jacket).

Speaking of cold, yesterday really was the mother of all storms. It actually broke tons of records. 45cm of snow fell on the city in 24h, and over 50cm just outside of the city. Cars and buses were stalled everywhere, people abandoned their vehicles on the highway, it was total chaos. I don't mind the snow (I used to really love it, actually, and I still kind of do), but I hate chaos. And I hate people who can't drive. Snowstorms seem to call all the bad drivers out of their hiding places and make them hit the road (and each other) all at the same time. It's pretty terrible. At least I didn't have to drive and deal with them yesterday. But I did have to deal with people being stupid in transit. It's pretty amazing, really, how dumb people can get. Anyways. Done ranting now, haha.

I'll probably update later with a follow-up on my intake. I don't know how I'm going to manage once school starts up again, there's no way I'll be able to update as often. I'm going to be starting up some new blogs today, too.

Enjoy your day!

E. xx

The weather outside is frightful

Today was a pretty bad day. The kind of day where you should've just stayed in bed, you know?

I woke up to a huge snowstorm, the snowstorm of the year I think. Had to go to work though. Ended up being 45 minutes late, as is took me nearly 2 hours and a half to get there... Sigh... Anyways, once I finally got home, I was extremely ill. I ate a lot of sugar-free chocolate-covered cherries at work (so yummy), sweetened with maltose, and I have a feeling that I cannot digest maltose (looked it up, for the biologists/med people out there, it seems to be autosomal recessive, but can come in a mild form if the person is a carrier. So maybe that's what I am). Anyways. Really should have just stayed in bed. Now have a 12-hour shift to look forward to tomorrow... Sigh... All I want to do is sleep and laze around and work on my apartment, but there's no time for any of that. Sorry this is such a boring/pointless/depressing post, haha... I've been in a weird mood lately. It happens sometimes.

Anyways, in other news, got my first comments and follower today! Woohoo, so exciting! Thank you so much girlies, I am really flattered. It's also so interesting to see where my readers are from. I mean, I love how global the world is now. Also I am probably significantly below 1000cal for my intake today, never mind all of it that was flushed away, so that's good news.

Sorry, really boring post, I know, I'm tired. Guess I'll have to save the deep posts about life for tomorrow at work, haha

P.S. I've realized that I forgot to mention my HW. I was 167-168 at my highest, I think (I am absolutely mortified to be writing this... :s). This was when I lived with my Italian grandparents for 2 years and was literally being force-fed (guilt works miracles on me, for real). Since I've started med, I've lost about 15-20lbs. This wasn't really with much work, except maybe the running that I did consistently, so I don't know whether it's due to stress or a change in diet (though I didn't live with my grandparents last year and I'm pretty sure that I weighed the same). So, yeah. A lot of people have been commenting on how my face looks skinnier and stuff, which is nice. I have pretty round cheeks and dimples to begin with, so I'd really love to get some nice cheekbones eventually. Anywaaays... Bed time soon! 

And the light keeps pouring down, but all I am is dark inside

Only a bit over an hour left at work. Thank God. My eyes must be red and bloodshot from staring at this screen all day. Been reading a lot of blogs, though, so that was nice. Read Katie Elizabeth's blog entirely and am almost done Little Miss Thin's. I love the different styles, the different stories behind each blog. I love getting to know a side of people through their posts. I think that you really see what's important to people this way, it's pretty interesting. Though I have to admit that reading all this is making me want to weigh myself so badly. I know that some serious damage was done over the past few days, so I need to know where I am restarting from and where I stand. I'm at about 700cal for the day right now. I had only brought fruit to work, but caved and bought a soup and a piece of cake (terrible, I know). My period is late though so I am pms-ing like crazy, it's making me want so much food, so badly. Plus I can feel my metabolism coming to a halt as I haven't been for a run in 2 weeks and a half, ever since exams and since the ground has had a sheet of ice on it. I can't wait to be moved out and settled at my apartment near school where I can run on the indoor track. And I can't wait until soccer restarts after the Holidays. At least, when I work as a cashier, I am standing for 6 hours straight, so hopefully I burn a few calories there. And when I have school, I walk a good 40 minutes per day. But when I do 12-hour shifts at my desk job, like today, I really do nothing at all. It's terrible. I am someone who loves to move and to exercise, but I just am not doing that right now. And it's killing me. Anyways, this will be a short post I guess. I will try not to eat anything else for today. I think it's very feasible as, when I get home later, I will be exhausted and will just want to crash. Then tomorrow is a new battle. One day at a time.

So this is Christmas

So, Christmas came and went. It was exactly as great as I would have liked. I used to love Christmas, or at least the idea of Christmas, so very much. But now I am just numb to everything, including this. So it all just feels so surreal. Did gifts with the rentals, and saw two friends and their families today. It was ok. Way too much food though, threw up after breakfast and dinner. Definitely more than 2000cal anyways. I don't even want to talk or think about it, because it is just so discouraging. I also haven't been able to weigh myself in ages, which is seriously stressing me out. Tomorrow I will do a fruit and veggie fast I think to try to detox a bit from all the crazy amount of food that I have eaten in the last couple of days. That should make me feel better. I've also been a bit of an emotional wreck, cannot seem to be able to deal with my family at all. It also makes me feel incredibly guilty though because I know that I am ruining the very last Christmas that I will spend living at home. So I think that it makes my parents very sad. Part of me doesn't care because they have hurt me so much in my life, but another part of me always feels guilty. It's pretty terrible, actually, being torn between the two. Deep within me, guilt always wins. But, if I show this guilt to them, I feel like they win somehow. Like it proves something, though I'm not quite sure what. It's the same with my moving out. Part of me just can't let them win, but another part is dying inside...

Anyways, I am just so tired now, hoping to get at least a little bit of sleep before my 12-hour shift tomorrow.

Wishing you and your families all the very best in this last hour of Christmas,

E.

Once again, should be posting about Christmas, but oh well...

How can you tell the one person that thinks that you're just so incredibly wonderful just how much you hate yourself? How you walk around every single day despising what you look like, how you feel, how you think, what goes on in your head, what you do and say, the choices that you made/make/will make, your life, your family, your level of messed-up...? How do you tell him that you have to constantly resist the urge to slice the inside of your calves and the need to throw up because you are at such a level of permanent shittiness that it makes you sick? How do you explain this to someone that only sees success and beauty and happiness when he looks at you, but doesn't realize that it's all just an illusion, a pretty picture that you paint? How do you go about bursting that perfect bubble that not only you helped build, but that you also helped sustain all this time because that's what you're good at, faking it? How do you do this?

Because I have no idea.






Oh and P.S.
Don't even get me started on food. It was too much food today. That's all. Ridiculous amounts. I mean, I'm Italian. And, on Christmas Eve, we eat. A lot. I threw up a little, but my aunt was sick in the bathroom for most of the night, so I couldn't do anymore damage control than that. I don't even want to talk about it, it was a disaster. Tomorrow will be bad too. Then I have to regain some control. Anyways, Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones, and Merry Christmas to the Christians reading this. Love, E.