Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Concrete jungle

Hi ladies,

I'm writing (what I hope will be) a quick post for the US's own Big Apple. Let's just say that it's been a bumpy ride. I'm sharing a room with my two co-faculty advisors who are male and they don't make my insomnia any better, trust me. So I have basically been sleeping an hour or two per night. The first few days were especially rough, with me trying to let myself cry (unsuccessfully) in the darkness and texting my boyfriend and roommate just wanting to go home. New York has lost it's magic for me; I used to love this city, and now all I can think is "What a waste." A waste of everything: ressources, money, energy, people... For real, if half of what goes into New York City in the form of advertisement went into developping nations, there would be a lot less problems. If half the food that is wasted, half the calories that are exaggerated and unnecessary, went to feed the hungry, we could solve world hunger and obesity all in one. I hate the excess here, of noise, of people, of light. It's all just too much.

I'm here for a model United Nations that gathers students from around the world to simulate the work that the UN does. So maybe it's just the fact that my students are talking about erradicating poverty all day that makes me hate this city. But I think it's more that I'm just hard inside.

When I signed up to be a faculty advisor for this activity, I was already broken down. But the last time that people involved in this project saw me, I was still the great, in control, perfect person that I used to be. So I don't think that the senior advisor and the teacher in charge expected me to be like this. I know that I've let them down this year and that I haven't been as involved as they expected and wanted me to be. I just couldn't. I am not who I was. I had a good talk about it with the senior guy yesterday. I didn't go into much detail, but I did tell him that he cannot imagine how hard the last couple of years have been. Of course, I could never explain how close to self-destruction I constantly am, how I'm walking on a very thin line all the time. He, and people in general, could simply never understand. So I just kept it vague. But he still told me that, since the last time he worked with me two years ago, it's as though something inside of me has died. He said that it's as though I have experienced so much pain that everything is too much, including this city. Which is true.

But today and yesterday have been a bit better. I am responsible for my students, and this kind of activity, with its high-stress and little sleep lends itself well to nervous breakdowns. I can deal with nervous breakdowns. I can take care of people. I can pick them up when they fall. It's fantastic because, while I am doing that, I don't have to try to fix myself. I don't have to worry about whether or not I will crumble. I just have to pick up other people's pieces and make them perfect again, which I know is impossible for me. But, them, I can fix them. And I'm good at it, I always have been. It's part of the reason that my place really is in medicine; because I can take people, give them what they need, and make them better again.

New York is also taking a toll on me food-wise. I haven't been able to maintain my vegan lifestyle here, though I have remained vegetarian. And I haven't been able to count calories either. The thing is that, in this kind of high-stress activity, everyone is looking out for everyone else and making sure that no one is forgetting to eat. So food is on everyone's mind and they notice right away if you haven't eaten. They also watch what you eat a lot. I thought that I would be able to get away with it by being vegan, but no such luck; people gave me such a hard time about it, that I had no choice but to let dairy and eggs back into my life. I hate it though; I feel fat and bloated and ugly. I can't wait to go back to what I want to eat. I also miss this blogging community and my thinspo pics and all of that. And running. God how I wish that I had brought my shoes.

Anyways, I haven't had much time to read blogs and I am incredibly behind in school work. I'll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back. But, here and now, it's like time stands still for this simulation.

I hope you're all doing well, you're in my thoughts.
Lena xx


  1. Being in NYC sounds so exciting! I definitely have a love-hate relationship with big cities and concrete jungles. I used to love going to Melbourne, but now it's just all too much.
    Please try to take care of yourself while taking care of others. I worry for you running on so little sleep.
    Whenever I'd go away, I'd always end up screaming at myself for not packing my running shoes. I'd usually end up doing step aerobics in my slippers haha.

    Stay safe, and stay sane sweetheart <3 xx

    1. Yeah, exactly. It's also that I just don't quite see the point of cities like New York anymore, if that makes any sense.
      Don't worry about me, I'm quite used to it. I don't sleep very much, ever, though the meds that I take have been helping a bit.
      Hahaha, I feel like people might stare if I worked out in slippers, and I have a bit of an imagine to uphold over here :p
      Thanks for always commenting, Bella, means a lot! xx

    2. I think the beauty of the US is that certain areas differ, although we are definitely a wasteful country. We take our blessings for granted to be sure as everyone does. In the Midwest we have a different culture and viewing of the country I would say. A lot more home values and conservative for many. It's more respectful of farm and ranch life and what it actually takes to produce food. Interesting though. New York has always been this black hole, I think.
      Stay strong and a little witty bit positive dear. :P I always love your emails!
      <3 big hug