Last night was bad. Like, really bad. I just suddenly had this urge to cry. I almost never cry anymore because I can't. And I just wanted to die. I was texting my roommate across the hall, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. And I feel like I'm just pathetic. There is no reason for me to be this way. There is nothing. There is just me and my thoughts in my head. In my messages, I was telling my roommate just how much I hate myself. I really do. I don't deserve to live. No one deserves me in their life. I'm nothing. I'm stupid and lazy and a waste of air. One day like yesterday, which is supposed to be a "normal" day, and I am just finished. I didn't go to school today. I couldn't. And I won't go for a run today. I can't. I just made some sweet potato burgers and fries for my roommate, and I'm going to work later. That's all. I am not functional right now. If anyone could hear what it's like in my head, I think that I would have been institutionalized a long time ago. I have cut most of my friends out of my life because I just cannot deal with anything. I just want to hide and sleep forever. I don't want anything. I am unworthy of med school and of happiness and of food and of water and of people. I don't deserve any of it. They are all wasted on me. I just deserve to let myself drift away. I just want to disappear, without any kind of fuss, quietly. No one would have to notice. I wouldn't even want any of my stuff left behind, I would just want it to be as though I never existed. I hate myself.
I got my grade back today for Monday's midterm. Low 70's. The class average was 89. I am clearly just stupid. My roommate tried to remind me of how unable to study I was. It's true, but maybe I'm just lazy and stupid. I used to get above 90. Always. No exceptions. And now I just aim to pass all the time. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm not even scared of dying. I had never planned to live past 30 or 40 anyways, what's 10 years less? I wake up surprised that I'm still alive and I go to sleep expecting, hoping not to wake up. Always.
Just let me disappear.
Oh honey, it pains me to hear you're feeling like this. You aren't pathetic, but you are under a great deal of pressure from many sources.
ReplyDeleteYou are worthy of living life. And you're not stupid or lazy. As your roommate said you were unable to study much, and you still managed to pass. I'm in awe of anyone who can even get in to med school - obviously it's not easy.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know at times like this it's near-impossible. I just hope things get better for you soon, I really do.
xx
Sometimes my mom says things like these and I find myself anxious for you just like I do her. I want so badly to convince you of things I don't believe myself. I want you to smile and be okay even as I struggle to do the same.
ReplyDeleteI know you right to get it out amd you aren't one for pity so I won't. You are worthy. I think you did worse than you thought on your exam because you didn't believe you deserved it. I didn't think I would be good enough for genetics and I wasn't. 67%.
You can do this. I know you don't believe it but you can. You're stronger than you think love. Don't give up. Not yet.
Phone, you made my message not as good... face palm. typos... well you know I love you, even if my grammar blows. :P
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