My first day back home (at my parents') has been a pretty big mess. I got off the bus and hopped into the car without saying goodbye to anyone, threw up as soon as I got home (there was nothing to throw up; I hadn't eaten anything in over ten hours), took a very short and restless nap, got my parts cut out of that Passion Play that I've been mentioning, stormed out about an hour before we were supposed to present, crashed at a friend's place, cried (which I haven't been able to do in months) in front of her (I never cry in front of people), witnessed the look of horror and pity in her eyes as I summarized the mess that I have become, and binged (a real binge like I haven't had since being vegan), in that order. Now I am afraid to go to bed, as is the case more nights than not. I don't have the strength to throw up, I cannot stop coughing a deep, wheezy cough, and I'm resisting the urge to hurt myself. I haven't weighed since getting back because I am far too ashamed of how fat I've gotten, and I desperately just want to disappear. Please just make me die.